Disclaimer: Alas, I do not own Torchwood. Alas is one of my favorite words though.
A/N: Okay, this is crack! And hopefully funny. And I'm sorry if any of this offends people.
My friend gave this story an okay so I was able to post it for you all. And she and I came up with idea while my mom and I added to it. Whilst we were adding onto it we were drinking Kona Coffee and eating some Bit-O-Honey and Chick-O-Stick candies. If you enjoy, do please tell me as I am actually thinking of a sequel that would be written if this goes over well. Well, I'm rambling so I'm gonna just let you read this story now, okay? Good.
The Mind-Boggling Four (as they are known as) were in their Hidden Palace Under the Pavement just chilaxing. Jack Harkness, better known as the Captain was busy trying to get Ianto Jones, better known as Generally Awesome Man alone in one of the rooms so that they could "have sex and stuff". Generally Awesome Man, also called Ianto Jones, was busy Organizing some matches.
Toshiko Sato, better known as the Brain was tinkering with a new device that put books onto computers with a touch. She said it would come in handy sometime in the 21st Century. She claimed that was when it all changes.
Owen Harper, better known as the Doctah! was sharpening some of his scalpels and not bothering to put them back where he got them. Of course Ianto (Generally Awesome Man) had Organized them by size, sharpness and shininess (he was fond of alliteration) and the Doctah! wasn't too worried if he made Generally Awesome Man mad at him. It wouldn't be anything new.
That's when the alarm went off and all four glared at it.
"That fucking Gwen." the Doctah! yelled. "Honestly, who the hell needs four Super Heroes around to make sure she stays alive? That's fucking not right."
The Brain (Toshiko Sato) sighed, "Who wants to help her?"
Generally Awesome Man cleared his throat, "I did make a Rota."
"And I noticed that you put yourself down for Tuesday night." Owen Harper said angrily, "The one night she usually always stays in."
Ianto shrugged, managing to not look too smug, just smug enough, "You have a problem with it?"
The Doctah! glared at Generally Awesome Man, "You know I can't." And he couldn't, not with Ianto Jones' Power.
-----
Generally Awesome Man was making a perfect cup of Kona Coffee when he noticed them. Wrappers. For Bit-O-Honey and Chick-O-Sticks. He glared at them. They were messing up his wonderfully Organized kitchen. "Great." He said, "Now I've got to clean those up and my Kona Coffee is going to get cold."
"Well," the Brain started, looking up from her tinkering, "You can always nuke the coffee in the microwave."
Ianto Jones looked appalled at the idea, "Why," he said, "would I do that?"
Captain just shrugged, "So why don't you just drink your coffee now and clean up the wrappers later?"
Generally Awesome Man, also called Ianto Jones, looked at Jack Harkness, also called Captain (who was his sorta secret lover), "And why," he said, "would I do that?"
"So that you don't have to nuke your coffee."
"Yes but, then the wrappers would spread across our Palace Under the Pavement." He sighed, "And who had left the wrappers there in first place?" He glanced at the three others, none of them giving away signs saying it was them.
-----
It was the Captain's turn on the Rota so he put on his tight tights and flowy cape to save Gwen. He showed up an was rather displeased to find Achilles. Achilles was his Arch Nemesis. He was staring triumphantly at the building in which Gwen worked.
"Glad you are here Captain!" Achilles sneered, pulling his gloves on tighter, "I have done my evil deed that you cannot undo!"
"What'd ya do?" Captain asked, moving closer, getting ready to Smile if needed.
"I made the foundation of the building weak! It'll fall down someday sooner than it would have!" He declared, "Just like I'll do to your teeth!" He turned and stared at Captain with one of his gloved hands out towards him.
Captain just shook his head, "You always try and weaken my teeth so that they fall out but it will never work." He reminded his Arch Nemesis. "Other than being able to Blind People with the Sheer Brightness of My Perfect Teeth, I am Immortal! The weakness is healed right away!" with that he smiled his biggest smile at Achilles.
"Ah!" He turned away from the white light, "You are right this time, but next time I'll get your teeth my pretty, and your cape too!"
-----
Ianto Jones was about the leave the Palace Under the Pavement with his Kona Coffee in hand when he saw more Bit-O-Honey and Chick-O-Stick wrappers on the ground. He growled at the sight of them. Which one of his Super Buddies was doing this? It was ruining all the Organization. He needed thing Organized at all times. And wrappers were not.
-----
It was Tuesday night and the alarm went off. Generally Awesome Man was very surprised at this fact. It hardly ever went off on Tuesday night. Grudgingly he got his tights and suit that had a tie printed on the front before heading out.
Gwen was tripping over some small pebbles when Generally Awesome Man showed up. "Here, let me help you." He gave her his hand.
Pulling herself up Gwen smiled her very gap tooth smile, "Thanks Generally Awesome Man. It's Awesome that you decided to help me. Thanks for coming to my rescue." She paused, "I'm not sure what has happened, it's like everything has gone to Chaos!" She flew her arms about trying to make a point.
Generally Awesome Man (Ianto Jones) looked around and spotted his Arch Nemesis. Chaos Guy. Generally Awesome Man sighed, "Alright, Gwen, just stay here." He made his way over to Chaos Guy, which was kinda hard as everything was very Chaotic and he just wanted to Organized everything right at that moment. "Hello."
"Oh, hey Generally Awesome Man." Chaos Guy grinned, "I think it's Awesome that you decided to come. I love when I see you. You're just so Awesome!"
Generally Awesome Man nodded, "I know. One of my Powers and all."
Chaos Guy concurred, "Yes. And I am sorry that my Chaos Power is out and about. I know you like things Organized and you can't do that when I'm around. Sorry. Please still be my Friend/Arch Nemesis. Don't delete me from your Facebook Friends. You're just too Awesome to want to anger."
"Well," Generally Awesome Man started, "how about you go do Chaotic Things elsewhere?"
"Oh yeah." Chaos Guy concurred again, "Anything you want Generally Awesome Man." He started to leave and waved back, "I'll text you later, yeah?"
"Sure." Generally Awesome Man then looked around at the mess that Chaos Guy left behind. "Time to Organize this shit." And he went about using his Organization Power.
-----
Brain sighed, "Does anyone know where my Portable Biofeedback Device is?"
Doctah! sighed, "Why do you have to call it that?" He sneered now, "Just call it a mood ring for fucks sake!"
Tears sprang to Brain's eyes, like a spring of water tends to have happen (except with water and not salty tears), "I know that if I had my Portable Biofeedback Device it'd tell me I was angsty and woe-ish over that comment that Reduced Me to Tears!"
Generally Awesome Man put a hand on Brain's (Toshiko) shoulder, "I do believe I put your Portable Biofeedback Device where it lives." He paused, "In your jewelry box. Shall I go and fetch it for you? You seem busy with that." He pointed to a device that she was building.
"Only if you really want to Ianto. I mean, your just so Awesome that I don't want to make you do something you don't want to."
Ianto smiled at Tosh, "I did offer. So it's fine."
On the way to Brain's jewelry box (Kona Coffee in hand) he saw what he had been starting to dread: wrappers of Bit-O-Honey and Chick-O-Sticks.
-----
Brain was muttering to herself over Gwen and the Rota as the alarm went off on her day whilst she was busy tinkering with some technology. And who did she find at the site of where Gwen was? Her Arch Nemesis. Amish Man.
Amish Man was against those things that she, Toshiko Sato, stood for. Electricity, computers, refrigerators, electric razors. He was laughing whilst staring at a telephone pole, an evil glint in his eye.
Gwen was staring at Amish Man, trying to get him into a conversation, "Why do you have that large and manly beard?"
"I am Amish Man of course!" He replied, "And I am going to cut this telephone pole down with my chainsaw!" he grabbed his chainsaw and revved it up before pausing, "I mean, handsaw!" and with a 'poof' and a cloud of smoke, his chainsaw became a handsaw. "For I am Amish Man and I don't use chainsaws. Even if it would make my life a lot easier!"
"Yes." Brain agreed, pulling Gwen aside, "It would make your life easier. Why not join me in technology?"
"Never!" Amish Man replied, trying to saw through the telephone pole. He was making slow start.
Taking out one of her contraptions, Brain (Tosh) pointed it at the saw, making it disappear.
"Hey! I was using that!" Amish Man glared at Brain.
"Yes, well, with the use of my far more impressive technology I sent it to the moon."
"That's rude." Amish Man said. "Now I've gotta go back home and get a new handsaw. Do you have any idea how long it takes me to get home in a horse drawn buggy?"
"No. But it doesn't take me long to get to the Palace Under the Pavement." Brain replied, brandishing a small device, "Teleportation."
------
Generally Awesome Man and Captain were busy in one of the other rooms in the Palace Under the Pavement doing something slightly kinky with Kona Coffee and naked bits when Ianto narrowed his eyes to the floor. Bit-O-Honey and Chick-O-Stick wrappers.
-----
"A Rota is the bloody worst idea." Doctah! growled when it was his turn to go, "Only a fucking fool would love that idea."
"What?" Generally Awesome Man asked, frown on his face and Tears in His Eyes. "You really think so?"
Doctah! (Owen) realized who he had Reduced to Tears this time. He felt so Not Awesome at making Ianto Jones cry, "No. I don't mean that. I'm sorry Generally Awesome Man. I didn't mean it, I promise. You're very good at Organizing my scalpels."
Generally Awesome man smiled, wiping the tears away. He couldn't help but cry when Doctah! said hurtful things. It was one of his powers, Reducing People to Tears. Luckily his Generally Awesomeness power makes him apologize.
So, Doctah! went out to save Gwen. She was sitting on a park bench talking to a woman who Owen knew very well. It was his Arch Nemesis. Nurss!. And it looked like Gwen was really starting to get Nurss! mad at her.
"Gwen, stop being an idiot. Get away from her." Doctah! growled out.
Eyes Tearing Up, Gwen did as she was told.
"Y'know, Doctah!, I was about to euthanize her." Nurss! held out a needle full of morphine. "I just wanted to shut her up."
"You and everyone else." He replied.
"And I am sad that I wasn't able to euthanize her." Nurss! continued. Guess I'll just have to euthanize you!" She came at him with her needle.
Doctah! grabbed one of his many scalpels brandishing it out in front of him. "Come on Nurss!. You know you don't have any strength and that's why you need to use a fucking needle. You're a disgrace to your mum."
Nurss! dropped her needle. "My mum?" Her bottom lip quivered, "You think she isn't proud of me?"
"Nope."
Full on Tears Were Flowing From the Spring of Her Eyes, "You're such a bully."
"I know." Doctah! sounded smug.
With that Nurss! ran away, needing to find her mum and find out if she really was disappointed.
-----
Generally Awesome Man (Ianto) couldn't take it anymore. He rounded his Super Buddies up and asked who was leaving the Bit-O-Honey and Chick-O-Stick wrappers everywhere. And if they told the truth, they'd all get a cup of the Kona Coffee.
Doctah! (Owen) stated that it wasn't him. He much preferred biscuits.
Brain (Toshiko) stated that it wasn't her. She much preferred chocolate bars (they were good for her serotonin levels).
Captain (Jack) hung his head low, "I'm sorry Generally Awesome Man. I'm afraid it was I who did it."
"You know I don't like it. Why do you keep doing it?" Generally Awesome Man asked his lover.
"Well, I'm about to throw them away when you walk into the room. And you're just so Awesome that I forget about them." Captain replied. "Forgive me?"
Generally Awesome Man sighed, "Yes, I suppose I do. Though you may want to slow down on eating those sweets. They can rot your teeth out you know."
Captain gasped, "What?!"