Project H and the Chamber of Secrets
By Panicattack
*Dursley's*
Vernon: I've got a very important dinner tonight….so we're gonna do exactly what we do every other night. We get dressed up in fancy clothes and act important while Harry hides in his room
Harry: That works for everyone
Dobby: *Jumping on the bed* Yahoo! This is way better than the bed of nails my masters makes me jump on
Harry: Who are you?
Dobby: Dobby, sir, Dobby the house elf
Harry: Why don't you sit down? The computer's over there, you don't mind a bit of light typing do you?
Dobby: Dobby isn't here to work for Harry Potter. Dobby is here to warn Harry Potter. But Dobby can't say what *starts squirming*
Harry: Oh, I get it. I love charades! Hey Dobby, how many syllables?
Dobby: *Drops cake onto Mrs Mason*
Harry: Oh, I've got it! Is it 'Pride and Prejudice'?
***
*Harry's room*
Harry: Aargh! That very quiet humming sound in the distance woke me up, better get up and take a look
Ron: Hi Harry! It's us, the Weasley's, rescuing you in a flying car
Harry: Makes sense
Vernon: NO! He's escaping!
Dudley: But Dad, why do we want to keep him here if we hate him so much and would absolutely love to get rid of him the first chance we get?
Vernon:…
Harry: Bye!
***
*The Burrow*
Harry: Wow, I've only ever been in two houses in my life, and this one is the best
Ron: That means a lot
Mrs Weasley: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN! Hello Harry, nice to see you. YOU COULD HAVE DIED! WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAVE A NOTE! WE WERE SO WORRIED! Of course, I don't blame you, Harry
Fred: The doctor said the new tablets would stop the sudden mood swings…
***
Mrs Weasley: Those silly muggles and their cars, why didn't they ever think of traveling by powder?
Harry: Powder? Isn't there any other way to get to Diagon Alley?
George: There is, but only Dad can use it
Mr Weasley: Damn straight! There's no place like Diagon Alley *taps heels together and disappears*
Mrs Weasley: Now Harry, make sure you speak VERY clearly, otherwise you'll end up in the wrong place. VERY clearly
Harry: Don't worry, I won't mess it up. *Steps into fire* Diaflogoonie!
Mrs Weasley:….say what?
***
*Dark store*
Harry: Ooh, a mysterious and evil-looking and possibly dangerous hand. Rather than think this over I'm gonna go straight over there and touch it *touches hand*
Hand: Another hand! I've always wanted a pair
Harry: *Leaves the store and goes out onto the street*
Strange woman: Hi, I work for Telstra. I was wondering if you could take a moment to fill out one of our customer service forms.
Harry: No! Please, no!
Hagrid: Harry, what are you doing down there?
Harry: I didn't mean to. Hang on, why were you down there?
Hagrid: Erm……..I was buying flesh-eating slug repellent
Harry: Tell the truth, Hagrid. Was it drugs or hookers?
Hagrid: Both. Speaking of which, here's Hermione
Hermione: Harry, what did you do to your glasses? Ochiulous explodo!
*Harry's glasses explode in his face*
Harry: OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Hermione: Oops, wrong spell. Let me try again
Harry: No no, get away!
***
*In the bookstore*
Store manager: Ladies and gentl….ah who I am kidding, there's only women here. Mr Gilderoy Lockhart
Ron: I feel very out-of-place at the moment. How embarrassing
Harry: Yeah, at least it can't get any worse
Lockhart: *Grabs Harry and poses for a photo with him*
Harry: I stand corrected. Well at least it can't get any worse
Steamroller: *Runs Harry over*
Harry:….what the hell?
Lockhart: Now I know Mr Potter is a very rich man, but I'm going to give him a very expensive set of books for free
Women: He's sooooooo good to charity
Malfoy: I bet you love all the attention, Potter. Well I could be famous too, but I don't want to
Mr Malfoy: Get out of the way Draco, I want to insult them too. MUDBLOOD! DISGRACES THE NAME WIZARD! YOU-KNOW-YOU IS LEGENDARY! OK, I'm done. Lets go *leaves with Malfoy*
Harry: Good, they've gone
Mr Malfoy: Oh wait, I need to "inspect" this girl's book. *Picks up Ginny's book* Yep, it sucks. OK, I'm off. Oh, and you might want to remember this for future reference. OK, that's it, gone now
***
*At Kings Cross station*
Harry and Ron: *Crash into platform wall*
Everyone else: *Doesn't*
Ron: If there's one thing I hate, it's walls that are solid
Harry: Maybe we should go and wait by the car
Ron: The car!
Harry: Yes, that's what I said
Ron: No, the car!
Harry: What about it?
Ron: It can fly!
Harry: So can brooms…
Ron: Shut up and get in!
***
*Flying in the car*
Harry: Woah! This flying car is the coolest. Let's go pick up chicks
Ron: I've got a better idea, let's go to school
Harry:…
Ron: We'd better look for the train
Harry: Gee, the fun never stops with you, does it?
*Harry falls out of car and grabs onto door*
Harry: You intentionally turned the child-lock off, didn't you?
Ron: It's alright Harry, I'll put on some tunes to ease the mood
Radio: Macarthur's Park is melting in the dark, all the sweet green icing flowing down…
Harry: I've really gotta find some new friends *** *Arriving at school*
*Car crashes into a mysterious plant*
Ron: *In an extremely squeaky voice* My wand, look at my wand!
Harry: Aargh! There's a mouse in the car!
Ron: *Still squeaky* That was me
Harry: Dude, you've got some serious problems
THUMP!
Ron: What was that?
Harry: No idea…
THUMP!
THUMP!
*Rear window breaks*
Ron: Oh no! I know what's happening…WE'VE HIT THE WHOMPING WEED!
*Tiny little weed starts hitting car*
Harry: OH MY GOD! IT'LL KILL US ALL!
Ron: Bail out! *Jumps out of car*
Harry: *Jumps out of car*
Hedwig: *Doesn't…….but gets thrown out anyway*
Car: Well, that was a hoot guys, but I've got a hot date with Herbie so I've gotta go. Later! *Leaves*
***
*In school*
Ron: Sure is lucky we didn't get caught
Filch: Hello boys
Harry: You idiot, you jinxed it!
Snape: Those tabloids sure are quick to pick up on the news, aren't they? You've only been out of that car 5 minutes and already you're in the newspaper
Ron: How did you get a copy of the paper so quickly?
Snape: I have a subscription, how else am I supposed to keep up on the Hollywood gossip? Did you know Angelina and Brad are having another baby?
Ron: No way!
Snape: Way. You totally almost gave away thousands of years of magical history by revealing us to muggles. So there should be some kind of punishment…
Dumbledore: You'd think so, wouldn't you? But with me as headmaster, that's not the case. Harry and Ron, you're free to go
Harry and Ron: *Leave*
Dumbledore: So Severus, I hear Brad and Angelina are expecting a baby
Snape: Oh my gosh, let me give you all the juicy details…
***
*Herbology*
Sprout: Well now that you're all in your second year, it's time to start playing around with killer plants. But don't worry, these ones won't kill you….yet. Earmuffs on everyone
*Everyone puts earmuffs on*
Sprout: *Pulls up freaky dirt-baby thingy*
Mandrake: Screech!
Harry: We shouldn't be able to hear that, should we?
Ron: WHAT?!
Harry: Forget it
Ron: WHAT?!
***
*Breakfast*
Ron: Cool, mail's here. What did you get Harry?
Harry: *Reading mail* Hmm, looks like it's time to renew my subscription to 'Witches gone wild' magazine
Neville: Oh no, Ron! You've been sent a howler. Better open that now, I once ignored one from my gran. It stripped off my clothes, tied me up to a pipe in the basement and whipped me senseless, just like gran used to do
HOWLER: Eggs, milk, mars bar…
Ron: Aww man, mum's sent her shopping list by mistake again
HOWLER:…strawberry jam, nappies for Ron, condoms for Arthur…
RON: MAKE IT STOP!
***
*Defence against the Dark Arts class*
Lockhart: Just because it's Defence against the Dark Arts, doesn't mean it has to be dark and miserable. That's why I've jazzed it up with some portraits and decorations
Girls in class: Wow, that is so cool. He is so good. He is the best teacher ever
Lockhart: And guess what? I've even got some pixies for the class
Girls in class: He is so cool. What a great idea
Lockhart: *Unleashes pixies*
Girls in class: Aargh! That crazy man! What was he thinking?!
Pixies: Sorry guys, but we've got a bet with Peeves that we can create more carnage then him
Hermione: IMMOBILOSE!
Pixies: Darn!
Peeves: OK guys, hand it over
Pixies: Grumble *Hand over money* Grumble
***
*Walking to Quidditch practice*
Oliver Wood: You guys are gonna love this. I've been saving for months for these front row tickets to 'Rugrats on Ice'
Marcus Flint: Gryffindors!
Wood: Slytherins! Where are you going?
Flint: 'Rugrats on Ice' of course. We've booked out the whole theatre
Wood: But I've got front row tickets. How were you able to buy out the theatre?
Flint: A very generous donation by Draco's father
Harry: Malfoy's on the team?
Malfoy: That's right, and that's not the only thing that's new this year *lifts up robes to reveal official 'Rugrats on Ice' underpants*
Ron: No way!
Draco: Way
Hermione: At least no one on the Gryffindor team had to buy their way in
Malfoy: No one asked for your opinion
Nameless Slytherin player: Actually, I did
Malfoy: Oh, I do apologise. Go ahead, Hermione
Hermione: At least no one on the Gryffindor team had to buy their way in; they got in on pure talent
Malfoy: You filthy little Mudblood!
Gryffindors: Aww, SNAP!
Ron: Eat slugs! *Wand backfires*
Hermione: Is that even a real spell?
Ron: *Eating slugs* Man, these are good
Harry: We'd better take him to Hagrid's
Hermione: Why?
Harry: The slugs taste better there
Hermione: How would you know?
Harry:…
***
*Hagrid's hut*
Hagrid: *Hands Ron a plate of slugs* Here you go Ron, it's been ages since I've had someone else to cook for. Who was he trying to jinx anyway?
Harry: Malfoy. He called her a….well I wasn't paying any attention. I saw a cloud that looked like a pony
Hermione: *Tears in eyes* He called me a mudblood
*Silence*
Hermione: Hagrid?
Hagrid: *Looking out window with Harry* I don't know what you're on about Harry, that looks more like a fire engine
***
*Detention with Lockhart*
Lockhart: Fame is a fickle friend, Harry. Celebrity is as celebrity does, Harry. I didn't really do all the things I say I did in my books, Harry. Wait, forget that last bit!
Harry: Will do
Mysterious voice: Come to me. Let me rip, tear, destroy
Harry: Wow, your Billy Connelly impersonation is spot on
Lockhart: Really? I didn't know you'd heard it. *Puts on voice* 'Ere, I was in Dublin the other nigh'
Harry: Erm, can I go now?
Lockhart: Wait, I haven't gotten to the best bit yet. *Puts on voice* And me frien' says to me…
***
*The halls of Hogwarts*
Mysterious voice: It's really cramped and dirty in these pipes. Can you bring me a sandwich? Please. Mudbloods, no crusts
Harry: Dude, why is the floor so wet?
Ron: Don't look at me, mum sent me those nappies she had on her list
Hermione: Look, a dead cat!
Harry: Sweet! We're eating dinner tonight, guys!
Filch: Harry, you crazy kid! Get out of the halls! Nah, I'm just screwing with you. You're actually pretty cool kids. How about a round of butterbeers on me? I'd love to…OH MY GOD MY CAT IS DEAD! I'LL KILL YOU HARRY! YOU LITTLE PIECE OF GARBAGE!
Dumbledore: *In towel and shower cap* This better be good Argus, I'm in the middle of a shower
Filch: HE KILLED MY CAT!
Harry: Er, no, she's just sleeping
Dumbledore: Actually, she's petrified
Ron: Oh, I bet she was watching 'The Ring'. That film scared the hell outta me
Dumbledore: Erm, no
Filch: My cat is petrified! I wanna see some punishment!
Dumbledore: Not while I'm in charge, sister
Snape: Perhaps Potter and his friends were just in the wrong place at the wrong time….
Hermione: So we're just 'Potter's friends' now are we?
Dumbledore: Severus, are you actually standing up for Harry?
Snape……….NO! I meant to say, he's evil and should be killed and have his innards fed to Basilisks
Harry: What an odd thing to say…
Dumbledore: Well since no one actually saw Potter petrify Mrs Norris, he must be innocent
Snape: What about Weasley? He was here too
Dumbledore: Good point. Detention Ron!
Ron:…
***
*Transfiguration class*
McGonagall: Today we are going to be turning animals into water goblets
Hermione: Isn't that kinda cruel?
McGonagall: Extremely. Weasley, you can go first
Ron: *Points wand at Scabbers* Explodo!
Scabbers: *Explodes*
McGonagall: You need to get that wand fixed, Mr Weasley
Harry: Actually, he performed the spell perfectly. He's just an idiot
McGonagall: I suspected as much
Hermione: Professor, I was wondering if you could tell us about the Chamber of Secrets
McGonagall: Sure, couldn't hurt. Rumour has it that over 1000 years ago Salazar Slytherin made a secret chamber. Of course, it doesn't really exist. But if it did exist than a terrible monster could hide there. And if one day it got loose you could turn it into a water goblet to save yourself if you pay attention to today's lesson
***
*After class*
Hermione: Do you think there really is a Chamber of Secrets?
Ron: Sure, couldn't hurt
Hermione: Well, if the stories true then yes, it could hurt
Harry: I reckon Malfoy's the heir of Slytherin. Your thoughts?
Ron: I agree with Harry's point
Hermione: I don't know. I think we need more proof Harry: Sounds easy enough, I'll go ask Crabbe and Goyle Hermione: Even they aren't that thick Harry: Oh, you'd be surprised Hermione: No, what we need is a disguise Ron: I've got a fake moustache up in our dormitory
Hermione: I've got a better idea
Ron: Better than a fake moustache? I think not
Hermione: It is. But it's dangerous, very dangerous
Harry: Sounds right up our alley, I'll get the shovel
Hermione:…
***
*Quidditch*
Harry: You know what I love? Quidditch. You know what I hate? Malfoy. You know what a have indifferent feelings about? Muffins
Malfoy: All right there, Scarhead
Harry: Wow, that's creative. You stupid……blonde boy
Malfoy: Damn, that hurts
Hermione: You see? Without me around Harry always makes a total tool of himself
Bludger: *Zooms at Harry*
Harry: Whew, that was close
Bludger: *Zooms at Harry*
Harry: Whew, that was closer
Bludger: *Zooms at Harry*
Harry: Oh the hell with it, I'm outta here *flies off*
Malfoy: Training for the ballet, Potter?
Harry: WHO TOLD YO….Erm, I mean NO!
Bludger: *Zooms at Harry*
Harry: Is that all you do? You really need a hobby. Stamp collecting is pretty popular, you should try it out. I'll even start you off if you'd like
Bludger: Shut up and kiss me
Harry: Woah! You can talk!
Bludger: Of course I can. What sort of cursed bludger would I be if I couldn't talk? *Zooms at Harry*
Hagrid: Blimey! Harry's got himself a rogue bludger. That's been tampered with, that has!
Ron: You know an awful lot about this for an innocent person
Hagrid: *Walks off whistling*
Ron: Don't worry, I'll stop it!
Hermione: No, let's see how this plays out
Ron: But Harry's gonna get hurt…
Hermione: Tell you what; if Harry gets hurt I owe you a chocolate frog
Ron: You're on
Harry: There's the snitch, finally my pain will be over!
Bludger: *Breaks Harry's arm*
Harry: Oh for the love of- *catches snitch* -cool, I got it!
Hermione: *Destroys Bludger*
Bludger: Hey, what did I do to you?
Ron: Harry, are you OK?
Harry: No, my arm's broken
Ron: YES! Hermione, you owe me a chocolate frog
Hermione: Nope, we didn't shake on it
Ron: Damn! I hate having a smart friend
Hermione: I have no idea how you feel
Harry: Guys, I'm like…really badly hurt here
Lockhart: Don't worry, Harry. I'll help you with a spell I read off a coaster once. It was kind of blurred but I think I got the gist of it. *Points wand at Harry's arm* Explodo!
Harry's arm: *Explodes*
Harry: I hate that spell
***
*Hospital wing*
Madam Pomfrey: No bones in your arm, huh? How's that working out for you?
Harry: Not great, anything you can do about it?
Pomfrey: Sure, but it's gonna hurt like hell
Harry: Figures
Pomfrey: *Hands Harry glass of medicine*
Harry: *Drinks it……………spits it out*
Pomfrey: Well what did you expect, pumpkin juice?
Harry: That's what it says on the label
Pomfrey: Damn! Those kids have been mixing up my labels again
Random student: Madam Pomfrey, was that flu medicine you gave me suppose to turn me into a raccoon?
Pomfrey: Erm……sure, it's gotten rid of your flu, hasn't it?
Random student: Yeah, but now I've got really bad rabbis
Pomfrey: Figures
***
*Nighttime in the hospital*
Mysterious voice: Dude, this sucks. I'm getting Tom to keep me in a condo next time. He doesn't even let me watch TV and it's too dark to read. You don't mind if I go out and kick some mudblood arse do you, Harry?
Harry: Nah, that's cool. But be back before 10:00 or Tom will kill me
Mysterious voice: You got it *leaves*
Harry: That was weird. I wonder who Tom is
Dobby: I know, but I can't tell
Harry: That's cool, what brings you to my pad?
Dobby: Well I've kinda screwed up your life this year so I've come to reason with you a bit
Harry: Cool, stand still while I strangle you
Dobby: Anything for Harry Potter *stands still*
Harry: Crap, I hear voices. We'll finish this later
Dobby: You got it. By the way, I rigged the bludger *disappears*
Harry: BASTARD! *Climbs back into bed quickly*
McGonagall: Colin Creevey's been petrified
Pomfrey: Figures
Dumbledore: OK, you're really pissing me off now
Pomfrey: Figures
Dumbledore: If I wasn't an extremely well mannered, gentle and attractive man I'd kick your arse
McGonagall: Do you think he took a picture of his attacker?
Dumbledore: Say what? Oh, Colin, right. Sure, let's take a look
Camera: *Semi-emplodes*
Dumbledore: OK, who cast the 'Explodo' charm? C'mon, someone fess up. No one? Crap
McGonagall: What does this mean, Albus!
Dumbledore: Well, I'll never get those pictures of my holiday to Acapulco developed. I borrowed Colin's camera for the trip. Oh, it also means that every student's life is in danger, but we're kinda used to that now
***
*In the girl's bathroom brewing up a potion………yeah I know it's kinda weird, just try and bear with me*
Ron: I always thought a girl's bathroom would be more interesting than this. All those wasted nights trying to sneak in
Hermione: Oh really, did you seen the loom?
Ron: For the last time, YES!
Harry: You know what this feels like?
Hermione: What?
Harry: Drug lab
Hermione: Whatever. By the way, there's a ghost in here
Ron: No biggie. There are tons around the castle
Hermione: This one's……..unique
Myrtle: Wahhhhhh!
Ron: Woah, what's up with her?
Myrtle: I have such a lonely and miserable life
Harry: A crazy ghost who lives in a toilet has a lonely life? Get out of town
***
*Dueling club*
Lockhart: Welcome to the dueling club!
Girls: He is so cool! He is so great! This totally makes up for the pixie thing!
Lockhart: Professor Snape has agreed to help me out with a little presentation. Just a little reminder Severus, the unforgivable curses are banned for this duel
Snape: Damn!
Harry and Ron: Damn!
Snape: There goes my whole game plan
Lockhart: 1…2…3…GO!
Snape: *Wins*
Harry: That was quick
Lockhart: OK then, change of plan, we'll show the kids how to defend themselves. Potter, Weasley, how about a demonstration?
Snape: No way! Weasley's wand causes chaos and could really badly hurt Harry……on second thought, maybe Weasley would be a good choice
Hermione: Sir, there's nothing wrong with Ron's wand, he's just an idiot
Snape: Figures
Harry: Can everyone please stop saying that?
Snape: Ooh, hold on a sec, I've just had a great idea. Potter vs Malfoy, this'll be the biggest fight since Hogan/Andre!
Crowd: Oh my, what a battle. I bet this'll be the most climatic thing to happen in Harry's life this year
Lockhart: Remember, disarm only
Harry and Malfoy: Oh, sure. Just disarm *wink wink*
Lockhart: 1…2…3…GO!
Harry and Malfoy: *Start slapping each other*
Snape: This isn't how I imagined a Harry/Draco fight
Lockhart: I said disarm only!
Malfoy: Serpensortia!
Snake: *Appears*
Harry: *Tells snake not to attack Justin…..at least that's what Harry claims to have said. We have no proof of this since no one else in the room was able to translate Harry's conversation with the snake to us. Naturally I guess we are suppose to believe in the good-guy's story no matter what so for the time being let's just say that Harry did indeed tell that snake not to attack Justin*
***
*Back in the common room*
Ron: Gee, another undiscovered gift, do you think it will somehow help you in the future just like every other surprising gift you've discovered in your past year and a half in the wizarding world?
Harry: Wow, that's the smartest thing you've ever said
Ron: Yeah, I screwed up a charm in Charms class and as a result me and Hermione has swapped IQ's for 24 hours
Hermione: Cool, you guys talk about that and I'm gonna put this pencil in my ear *puts pencil in ear*
Ron: Anyway, Salazar Slytherin was famous for being a parselmouth. Now everyone will think you're his great-great-grandson or something
Harry: But I'm not! I can't be… *flashes back*
"Salazar Slytherin: *Hands Harry a present* Here you go, Sonny. Happy birthday!
Young Harry: Thanks, Grandpa Salazar"
*End flashback*
Harry: Not a good sign…
***
*In a hall…I can't be any more specific than that*
Harry: Nothing like a nice long walk through the school to get your mind off the fact everyone thinks you're a killer
*Finds Justin and Nearly-Headless Nick petrified*
Harry: Fiddlesticks!
Filch: Caught you! You're it *runs off giggling*
McGonagall: Two more attacks? That puts you one ahead of me. You'd better go and tell Dumbledore so he can update the scoreboard
***
*Dumbledore's office*
Fawkes: *Explodes*
Harry: Oh, is Ron here?
Dumbledore: No, my bird is just an idiot
Harry: That's what lead me to thinking Ron was here
Dumbledore: Speaking of which, why are you here?
Harry: Something about a scoreboard
Dumbledore: Oh, you mean you petrified someone else?
Harry: Apparently so
Dumbledore: I see you're not even denying it anymore
Harry: Why bother?
Dumbledore: Yeah, I know what you mean
*Awkward silence*
Dumbledore: How 'bout those Gunners?
Hagrid: Professor Dumbledore! Harry didn't do it!
Dumbledore: Oh great, you spoiled the surprise for the rest of us
Harry: Can I go now?
Dumbledore: Unless you have anything else you'd like to tell me *wink wink*?
Harry:….Erm, look Professor, I'm flattered and all, but I don't go that way. I'm not saying you're unappealing or anything, I'm just not interested. I hope you understand
Dumbledore: Sure, off you go then
Harry: *Quickly leaves*
Dumbledore…………………NO WAIT! Harry, I think you misunderstood me
***
*Girl's bathroom*
Hermione: OK guys, the polyjuice potion is ready
Ron: Really? The time really flew by didn't it?
Hermione: All we need know is a part of the person we want to change into
Harry: I call The Pope
Ron: Damn, I wanted to be him
Hermione: No, you have to turn into Crabbe and Goyle
Ron: What fun is that?
Hermione: It will help uncover the heir of Slytherin
Ron: Leave it to Knight Rider. He can solve any crime
Hermione: Just take these cupcakes and make sure Crabbe and Goyle eat them. They've got a sleeping potion in them
***
Ron: So, how are we gonna get Crabbe and Goyle to eat these?
Harry: Easy. CRABBE! GOYLE! Want some cupcakes?
Crabbe and Goyle: Sure *eat cupcakes………..…faint*
***
*Back in the bathroom…hey, that's not a bad name for a film*
Hermione: OK, everyone add hairs to the potion
Harry: You see what I mean, exactly like a drug lab
Hermione: Just drink the damn gunk
Everyone: *Drinks the damn gunk*
Ron: I'm gonna be sick *runs into cubicle*
Hermione: Me too *runs into another cubicle*
Harry: I'll stay here so I have more vomit room than both of you
Ron: *Looking like Crabbe* Harry, it worked perfectly
Harry: *Looking like Goyle* It sure did. Where's Hermione
Hermione: *Steps out of cubicle looking like a smoking hot supermodel* Bye guys, I'm off to the boys dormitory to have some fun *leaves*
Ron: Aww man, she wouldn't let us use it for our own enjoyment
Harry: Yeah, er, maybe we should follow her. To, er, make sure she doesn't screw up
Ron: Nah, we'd better go find Malfoy
Harry: What is it you hate about having fun?
***
*Slytherin common room*
Malfoy: You know who I hate? The Weasleys
Ron/Crabbe: *Gets angry*
Malfoy: What's your problem?
Harry/Goyle: He's, er, a bad actor
Malfoy: Fair enough. You know, I'm surprised the ministry hasn't reported all these attacks. I expect Dumbledore's trying to hush it all up. Dad always said he's the worst thing to ever happen to Hogwarts
Harry/Goyle: YOU'RE WRONG!
Malfoy: What?!
Harry/Goyle: I mean, er, carry on
Ron/Crabbe: You can't act your way out of a paper bag, Harry
Malfoy: I sure hope Granger dies
Ron/Crabbe: YOU BASTARD!
Malfoy: WHAT?!
Harry/Goyle: It's his bad acting *runs*
Ron/Crabbe: *Runs*
***
*Back in the girl's bathroom yet again. I'm sensing a theme here*
Ron: Damn, it's hard to run in these massive Crabbe shoes *trips and smashed head on bathroom sink*
Harry: Hermione, are you in here we've got loads to tell you?
Myrtle: Ooh wait until you see, it's horrible *giggles and floats off*
Harry: *Walks up to cubicle door* Hermione, are you in there?
Hermione: *Makes belching sounds*
Ron: Hermione, are you alright?
Hermione: You know that supermodel I stole hairs from, it turns out she was bulimic. Now I can't stop throwing up
Ron: More importantly, are you still hot?
Hermione: No, that part of the potion has worn off
Harry: We just can't catch a lucky break tonight
***
*Back in the girl's bathroom….again. I mean seriously, why didn't we just call it Harry Potter: The Bathroom year*
Myrtle: Waaaaaah, someone threw a book at me
Harry: Someone was throwing free books to you, you should have held out longer until they threw something good
Diary: Hey, I heard that
Harry: Oh, sorry Diary
Diary: You can make it up to me by taking you up to your dormitory and writing in me
Harry: You got it
***
*Dormitory*
Harry: *Writing* My name is Harry Potter
Diary: Come on, you can do better than that
Harry: Alright, I'll try again. *Writing* Do you know anything about the Chamber of Secrets?
Tom: Yes
Harry: Woah! Diary, you never told me there was someone else in there with you
Diary: Yeah, we've been sharing a place for a little while. Tom's a nice guy but he drinks from the carton and always leaves the seat up
Harry: Tom, can you tell me?
Tom: No
Harry: YOU STUPID SON OF A BI-
Tom: But I can show you…
Harry: Aww, you're such a sweet guy *gets sucked into diary*
***
*Inside the diary*
Harry: This is not what I imagined the inside of a diary would look like
Tom: Professor Dumbledore, is it true a girl died?
Dumbledore: Yes Tom, it is
Tom: Is it true they are going to close the school?
Dumbledore: Yes Tom, it is
Tom: Will they leave the school open if the culprit is captured?
Dumbledore: Yes Tom, they will
Tom: If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around, does it make a sound?
Dumbledore: Yes Tom, it does
Tom: Do you touch yourself at night?
Dumbledore: Yes Tom, I….oh, you nearly had me *laughs*
Tom: Yeah, I thought I had you for a minute there
Dumbledore: Run along now
Tom: *Runs along now*
Harry: Where are we going, Tom?
Tom:…
Harry: Can you hear me?
Tom:…
Harry: If you touch yourself at night, say nothing
Tom: Oh no, I'm not falling for that
Hagrid: *Singing* My little pony, my little pony…
Tom: Hagrid!
Hagrid: Tom!
Harry: Hagrid!
Hagrid: Harry!
Tom: You shouldn't be able to see him. In fact, you shouldn't even know him in this time period
Hagrid: Ssh, you'll wake up my giant, terrifying spider
Tom: Just what I wanted to hear. You'll be expelled Hagrid, you're responsible for the girl's death
Harry: *Starts disappearing from diary* NO! HAGRID! HE'S GONNA TRICK YOU INTO SAYING YOU TOUCH YOURSELF AT NIGHT! *Gets blown out of diary*
Harry: Wow, that was cool. I wonder if it was all a dream…
Tom: No dream! Hagrid opened the chamber!
***
*Quidditch*
Oliver: Yeah so I said to the guy, gimme a beer! You know what he did? He gave me a beer, so I snapped him!
Team:…
Oliver: So, um, let's go out and beat Hufflepuff!
McGonagall: Not on my watch
Oliver: Nope, on the quidditch pitch
McGonagall: No I mean the game has been cancelled. There's been a double attack, but only one of them matters. Potter, follow me
***
*Hospital Wing*
Harry: Oh no, Hermione's been killed!
McGonagall: Don't worry, she's just been petrified
Ron: Yeah right. That's the same thing we told Ginny when her hamster died
Harry: That wasn't a hamster; it was your newborn baby brother
Ron:….should we not have flushed it, then?
***
*Going to Hagrid's hut*
Ron: Is this wise, Harry? We really shouldn't go bursting in on him this time of night. Also, if he really has opened the chamber, he's probably gonna kill us as soon as we ask him
Harry: Look, if he opened the chamber last time he'll know where it is. Besides, Hagrid isn't dangerous *knocks on Hagrid's door*
Hagrid: *Wielding a crossbow* WHO'S THERE! I KILL YER! I KILL ALL OF YER!
Harry: Relax Hagrid, it's us
Hagrid: *Shoots Harry in chest*
Harry: OH GOD! *Collapses on ground*
Hagrid: Sorry, nervous twitch
***
*In Hagrid's hut*
Hagrid: So, why are you here this time of night?
Harry: Hagrid, what do you about the Chamber of Secrets?
Hagrid: Well the thing about that is…
Door: Knock Knock
Hagrid: Who's there?
Dumbledore: Professor Dumbledore
Hagrid: Professor Dumbledore who?
Dumbledore: Albus Dumbledore you nimrod. Open the door!
*Harry and Ron go under invisibility cloak*
*Dumbledore and Fudge enter*
Fudge: Bad business, Hagrid. There have been far too many attacks and the ministry has to act. Therefore we have to lock up all our top suspects. So far we have Judge Judy, Gordon from Sesame Street and that talking paperclip thingy from Microsoft Word. Unfortunately we have to take you away as well
Hagrid: Take me where, not Azkaban prison?
Fudge: I'm afraid so
Hagrid: DEAR GOD NO!
Lucius Malfoy: On top of that great news, I'm here to tell you that Dumbledore has been fired
Dumbledore: Sweet! Acapulco here I come! *Runs out happily*
Lucius: Yes, good news for all *leaves happily*
Hagrid: OK, well, if anyone was looking for Waldo, all they'd have to do would be to look at the back of the book for the answers *walks outside*
Fudge: Of course! I never thought of that! *leaves happily*
Hagrid: Oh, and if you wanna find something else, follow the spiders *wink wink*
Harry: Sounds like an adventure. Wanna follow the spiders, Ron?
Ron: No, let's hide here and hope that somehow everything will fix itself
Harry: If not for Hagrid, then do it for Hermione…
Ron: Hermione! Of course! Let's go!
Harry: Cool, let's go follow the spiders
Ron: Follow the spiders? Why couldn't it be follow the butterflies?
Harry: Now, it's lines like that that make people thing you're a wuss
***
*The forbidden forest*
Harry: So, are you or are you not the monster in the chamber of secrets?
Aragog: Look, I'm sick of people bringing this up. I'm sick of people comparing me to the monster and then mocking my un-scariness. I can be scary, I can be vicious. I'm just nothing special compared to him. But that's not to say I'm not scary, I can be extremely scary when I want to be. Hagrid was one off, you be nice to one human in your life and your reputation as a killer is scarred forever. I'm just as blood-thirsty as the next guy. I'll even prove it now, I'll get my children to rip you two limb from limb. Would that prove it?
Harry: Yes, that would prove without a shadow of a doubt that you are a ferocious killer
Aragog: Well good, because that's the feeling I've been going for. No one fears me anymore. Even my parents doubted me but I said to them "Look, maybe being a gruesome murderer isn't for me. I mean, is not wanting to drink the blood and tear the flesh of humans that bad a thing? Maybe I'd be better off getting into telemarketing". But did they listen? No, I had to be like them, vicious and brutal. Well look at me now mum and dad, I'm doing what you do! Is this what you want? Is this want you wanted me to become? IS IT? IS IT REALLY? DID YOU WANT TO TURN YOUR SON INTO A HEARTLESS CREATURE LIKE YOU? IS THAT ALL YOU EVER WANTED ME TO BE? *Breaks into tears* WHY DID YOU NEVER COME TO MY SCHOOL RECITALS? WHY DIDN'T YOU COME TO MY JUNIOR SOCCER GAMES! DID I MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?
Car: You guys wanna get going? He's gonna be like this for a while
Harry: Sure, we've got what we came for- his booze. Let's go!
Aragog: WHY DIDN'T YOU HUG ME IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE?
***
*Hospital wing*
Ron: We really need you now, Hermione. Even though you are here, but at the same time not here. It is an enigma. I wish Hermione were here to help us with this enigma. Even though she is here, but not here at the same time. It is an enigma. I wish…
Harry: That's really not helping
Ron: Oh, well what about this note I found in Hermione's hand? Will that help?
Harry: It may, it may not. It is an enigma. I wish Hermione were here to help us with this enigma. But since she isn't, we'll read this note she left us. *Reads note* Hmm, it seems to be in some kind of numerical code
Ron: No, you're reading the phone numbers out of her address book. The real note says the creature in the school is a Basilisk and it's getting around in the school's pipes
Harry: Damn, no wonder he kept beating me at hide-and-seek
***
*Spontaneous staff meeting*
McGonagall: OK, time for a wrap-up of the days events
*Harry and Ron are listening in*
Harry: Let's find out if anything else about the chamber of secrets has occurred
McGonagall: Firstly, Ron's sister Ginny has been taking into the chamber itself
Ron: Next
McGonagall: Secondly, we've forced Lockhart to go into the chamber to get her
Ron: No biggie
McGonagall: Finally, due to the chaos going on at the school, we've cancelled tonight's 'Hey Dad..!' marathon
Ron: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
***
*Lockhart's office*
Ron: I don't know about this Harry, is it safe to go into the chamber with Lockhart?
Harry: C'mon Ron, do it for 'Hey Dad..!'
Ron: You're right; they would have wanted us to stay strong
Harry: Hey Lockhart! Wanna come into the chamber with us?
Lockhart: I'll pass
Harry: If you don't come. We'll tell everyone that you're a fake
Lockhart: *Points wand at Harry and Ron*
Harry and Ron: *Point wands at Lockhart*
Harry: We've got you outnumbered, put down your wand
Lockhart: Make me! STUPEFY! STUPEFY!
Harry and Ron: *Collapse on ground*
Lockhart: Idiots!
***
*In the chamber*
Harry: OK, if you see anything, close your eyes and get on the ground
Lockhart: Good news, I've decided to come anyway
Ron: That's handy
Lockhart: *Grabs Ron's wand* Not for you it isn't. OBLIVIATE!
*Spell backfires and chamber roof partly collapses*
Harry: Are you OK, Ron?
Ron: Yeah, but Lockhart isn't *hits Lockhart in head with rock*
Lockhart: Ouch! What the hell are you doing?
Ron: *Continuously hitting Lockhart* Trying to knock you out!
Lockhart: Well it's not working. Can you stop, please?
***
*The heart of the chamber*
Harry: Tom, what brings you here?
Tom: Well it was getting pretty cramped in the diary so I've been looking for a place to myself
Harry: What do you do for fun in a dark, dank place like this?
Tom: Well several months ago I awoke the monster within the chamber
Harry: Oh, that sounds interesting. What's the monster like?
Tom: Yeah he's a nice guy. Kills on demand
Harry: Yes, I've found that to be a good quality in a friend
Tom: Would you like me to show you how he kills?
Harry: If it isn't any trouble
Tom: Not at all. All I need is someone for him to kill…
Harry: Say, what about me? Since I'm already here and all
Tom: Good idea. *In parseltongue* Bruce, get you arse out here, we've got company
Basilisk: Hi Harry. We met, remember? In the hospital wing we talked for a bit
Harry: Yeah, those were some good times
Tom: Bruce, kill Harry
Basilisk: Sure thing *attacks*
Harry: Hey Tom, is it cool if I defend myself? It's just, you know, I've got other stuff to do today and I can't risk any gruesome deaths
Tom: Yeah, that's fine. Do you want me to get you a weapon or something?
Harry: Nah, that's cool. I've got this bird I take to all my fights and he helps me out
Tom: OK, I'll leave you to it
Fawkes: Hey Harry, I brought you a hat to help you with the fight
Harry: What does the hat do?
Fawkes: Nothing, but there's a sword in the hat
Harry: Why didn't you just bring the sword?
Fawkes: Hey, I don't tell you how to do your job
Basilisk: Hey guys, can we get started? I've got to be at the hairdressers by four
Harry: OK, let's start *stabs Basilisk in mouth*
Basilisk: Damn, third time this week *falls to floor*
Tom: Well, that's me done. I'll see you guys later
Harry: Bye Tom, thanks for the battle
Tom: By the way Harry, did I tell you I'm really Lord Voldemort?
Harry: No you didn't. How's that working out for you?
Tom: You know, can't complain. It sucks not having a body though
Harry: I can imagine. So what were my parents like?
Tom: Yeah, they were pretty cool. You have your mother's eyes, you know?
Harry: Yeah, I get told that a lot
Tom: Alrightly, I'd better be off. Mudbloods to kill, episodes of 'Hey Dad..!' to watch *leaves*
Harry: Nice guy. Well come on Ginny, if we're not back by 9 all the dessert will be gone
***
*At the chamber entrance*
Ron: *Still hitting Lockhart with rock*
Lockhart: You're a jerk, you know that? A total jerk! Why don't you stop hitting me and work out how we're gonna get out! You're just being stupid and immature!
Harry: We're back, and we brought pizza
Ron: Cool, all we need now is some chicks and booze
Hermione: *Holding several bottles of beer* You called? The mandrakes were a success and now I'm feeling great again. Let's party!
*'Everybody dance now' starts playing and Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Lockhart, Tom, the Basilisk and the cast from 'Hey Dad..!' dance along with the music*
THE END