A/N: Helloooooo!!!! Cat-in-the-bag's first (completed) fic!!! Yayyayyayyay!!!
I'm surprised that my first finished piece turned out to be a humor one, though… Although I love to read funny stories, I'm not that great at writing them. But this one was just one of those BAM-HALLELUJAH-GOD-HATH-GRANT-ME-INSPIRATION ones, so I just went along with the flow XD. It practically wrote itself. Strangely enough, it's also an all-dialogue fic… I'm not too sure how well I did that. The conversation also seems terribly random at times to me…
I'm also surprised that my first fic is a Zemyx one. I mean, I like the couple, but it isn't my absolute favorite (ahem, RikuxSora). My only explanation is that I suppose this stems from my absolute adoration of Dualism, who loves the pairing. Heck, reading Dualism's stories got me to actually buy a PS2 and Kingdom Hearts I and II. Anyway, she doesn't know I exist inside her swarming crowd of fans (I also think she's completely moved from to Livejournal), but nonetheless – this fic is dedicated to Dualism.
And note: The "…" indicate pauses in the conversation, and paying attention to them will make the talking seem more natural. I think.
Please enjoy, and review :)!
Rated T FOR YAOI MANxMAN PERVERTEDNESS. Yum.
Disclaimer: If I owned Kingdom Hearts, I would… um, do things to it that would make fangirls call me Kami-sama. But, unfortunately, I don't own it. Bah. Life sucks.
--Under Demyx's Bed—
It is late in the evening. The crickets chirp. The wind sighs. Demyx is hungry.
"Hello, Demyx."
"Oh, hi Zexy! Howya doing? I'm making a sandwich – peanut butter and jelly. Want one?"
"No, thank you. I just want to notify you that I took the liberty of organizing your room."
"Ohhh, really? Thanks! I thought it was getting a bit messy lately…"
"… Demyx, there was no area on the floor devoid of articles. I was tiptoeing on your underwear. I accidentally sat on your favorite extra-large-moogle-plushie because it was covered by socks and I thought it was a chair."
"Mr. Mooglykins?! Zexion, how could you?! Is he okay?"
"He is quite fine, Demyx. If you ignore the slight dent in his belly."
"Oh, good. I thought I might have to get him restuffed like that one time Lexaeus sat on him. Poor Mrs. Mooglykins was never the same…"
"… I see. In any case, I also wanted to inform you, for you own wellbeing, that the space under your bed is not an ideal area to stash items you wish to conceal from the public. I would suggest, perhaps, installing a trapdoor into your floor. I can arrange for one, if you wish."
Pregnant pause. "... Zexy?"
"Yes?"
"You… looked under my bed?"
"Yes."
"... And you… saw? What was under there?"
"Yes."
"…"
"Demyx, why do you seem to be attempting to become one with the refrigerator?"
(Muffled) "You… you find those things under my bed, and that's all you have to say?!"
"… Do you want me to say something else?"
"I mean, aren't you surprised?! Horrified?! Absolutely disgusted, and now you hate me and won't ever talk to me again and every time I get within three yards of you you'll scoot away slowly and pretend I'm not there?"
"Demyx, they were a couple of gay porn magazines. I should hardly think that they warrant a life-long cold-shoulder. And, to be honest, I wasn't very surprised. I had already assumed that you're a homosexual."
"…You're not mad? Really? Wait – and whaddya mean, you've assumed I'm a homosexual? Is there something about me that screams 'I'm gay'?!"
"Demyx… you hired Axel to stalk and take photos of me."
"… W-what? What are you talking about? I have no idea what you mean! I mean, why would I do that? If someone paid Axel to stalk you, Zexy, it wasn't me, trust me! Ahahahahahaha…"
"…Demyx, he came up to me the day before yesterday and asked me to pose for him naked because, and I quote, 'Demyx is too shy to actually ask you to fuck him silly. So, instead, he wants pictures of your hot little ass to stare at when he jerks off. Now, take off those clothes.'"
"… Oh. Fuck. I told him to be discreet."
"Demyx, it's Axel we're talking about. I don't think 'discreet' is in his vocabulary."
"Wait… then… then those pictures I got weren't taken from the inside your closet while you were sleeping, like I thought they were?"
"If you are referring to the photos stashed at the bottom of your underwear drawer – no, they weren't. Axel took me by surprise and knocked me out. I can only assume that he… ahem, had his way with me while I was unconscious. I don't sleep naked. Or in those types of… suggestive positions."
"… Zexion?"
"Yes, Demyx?"
"Kill me now. Please."
"I don't think the Superior would be pleased if we were to lose a member of the organization so early in the game (A/N: Unintended stupid pun XD!)."
"Screw the Superior. Zexion, when your best friend asks you for death, you deliver. Now, kill me. Preferably quickly and painlessly. Oh, but could you do it messily, and then have Axel clean up my remains? And tell him that my death was all his fault. I hope he's happy."
"… Demyx, I do believe you are overreacting again. Now stop fingering that kitchen knife. Yes, good boy. Put it down. Maybe you should finish making that peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It might make you feel better."
"I don't think anything is going to make me feel better but you telling me that you actually hired Roxas to take secret pictures of me, or that you keep gay porn magazines under your bed, or that every time you see me all you think about is fucking me into the nearest horizontal surface."
"I didn't hire Roxas."
"… What?"
"I didn't hire Roxas. I took the pictures myself. And the gay porn magazines are in a secret compartment behind the bookshelf. So are the photos of you. Oh, and I'm not picky – horizontal surfaces work well, but vertical surfaces are manageable, too."
"… You're kidding me."
"No, I'm not."
"Wait wait wait. Let me get this straight. You stalk me. You have perverted pictures of me. You have gay porn magazines as references for the hot, kinky mansex that you imagine having with me. You want to fuck me into a wall."
"Well, I suppose you could put it that way, yes. And I surmise the fridge right next to you would work just as well as a wall."
"… Zexy?"
"Yes?"
"Do you… love me?"
"Yes."
"… Really?"
"Yes."
"… Zexy?"
"Yes?"
"… Iloveyoutoo."
"… Good."
"… Zexy?! What're you doing?! Mmmmph… mmm… ah… hey – stop that – not in the kitchen! Someone will come in! And the fridge door is cooold! Zexy, are you listening to me?! Hey! Your hand – ah…"
Thump.
"Zexy, wait! What was that sound? Dammit, move, Ze… oh. Uh. Hi, Axel, Roxas…?"
"Haha! So you two lovebirds finally got together! Congrats, both of you! Took you long enough. Zexion, stop glaring at me. I'm sorry for interrupting your happy moment. Really. Me and Roxas will just shimmy away that-a-way, and you can continue your long-awaited lovemaking. Oh, I know… hey, Roxas, why'd you drop the bag? Anyways, here's a couple cans of whipped cream. I think we might've gotten too many, and hey! Sharing is caring, right? Am I forgiven now, Zexion?"
"… Yes."
"Oh, goody. Wouldn't want to be on your bad side, although I'm not sure what more you could come up with that would be worse than that one time you rigged my TV to play videos of Marluxia and Larxene going at it like bunnies…"
"… Axel, perhaps you should leave now. Roxas is looking decidedly disturbed, and I'd like to pick up where I left off."
"Ah. Good point. Okay, let's go, Roxas! To your room! Bye, Zexion, Demyx! Have fun!"
"… Oh my god. That has got to be the most embarrassing moment of my life. Even worse than you telling me you found my gay porn."
"It wasn't that bad. We got whipped cream."
"Zexy, your beepin' hand was down my pants! You were molesting me! And why are you so happy about whipped cream?!"
"…"
"… Uh, Zexy, you have your creepy grin on, the scary one that means that you're planning somethi- mmph."
Owari
And it's done XD! If you like it: REVIEW? Constructive criticism is welcome. Did I do that all-dialogue style okay or could you not follow anything that was going on? Did the lack of descriptions of physical actions or facial expressions throw off the mood? Did no one understand that the "thump" was Roxas dropping the bag of whipped cream?