Title: Regular Guy

By: Sweetwater Gal

Summary: Harper created a list for Alex. A list of GOOD traits. Not a rap sheet. She never would have guessed who fitted for each trait… JALEX

Disclaimer: Disney owns WOWP. Bif Naked owns the song "Regular Guy." Also there's a part where I make a "Big Bang Theory" reference that was just. too. AWESOME to pass up. Sadly that line and all doesn't belong to me because I'm not that witty... kinda...

A/N: This was too LONG to be just a mere chapter in my song-fic series. A nice little one-shot. Enjoy and Review!

Let me tell ya about the kinda guys that like me:
They're in jail.
Either that, or they are slumming...
or walking on the wild side.
I guess you could say I'm just like Jody Watley,
"Looking for a new love."
I don't think I'm asking for much in a boyfriend...
Here's what I want:

Harper had warned her. Said that she was going to get her heartbroken. Again.

After all, he had slept with most girls in their Junior class.

And bragged about it to his flunkeys.

And had been kicked out of six schools -- in the past three months.

And had been seen picking a fight with a teacher -- three times this week, a personal record he claimed.

And--

Okay! Alex realized with a heavy heart. She had picked a first class loser. Again.

Harper consoled her with the fact that at least Dean treated her respectfully.

Still… Alex picked losers. This was fact.

A fact that her older brother would constantly point out in addition to the comforting words of "At least they make you look like Mother Teresa."

Great. At the rate that she's going, she might as well do her father the favor and enlist herself into a nunnery!

Let me tell ya about the kinda guy I look for:
Ticklish.
And, he likes cherry popsicles.
He likes snow-cones.
He rides BMX.
I want a boy who can lie in bed all day with me,
holding hands.
I don't think I'm asking for much in a boyfriend.
Here's what I want:

Harper creates a list. Alex knew there was another reason she kept her.

This list would consist of qualifications that Alex should look for in a guy. A list that pointed out the best qualities. A list that didn't look like a rap sheet.

Here's what Harper came out with (and a few additional things that Alex suggested with Harper's approval):

KIND/GENTLE (Alex insists on kindness, Harper suggest gentle, Alex doesn't want a bunny, Harper doesn't want another ruffian, Alex is confused…)
SMART (not annoying, arrogant, has to be right all the time smart… like Justin)
HOT (Harper wanted "handsome", but she does have to throw Alex a bone somewhere)
FUNNY (both agree that his humor cannot be like Max's. Period.)
WILLINGNESS TO HOLD HANDS (too much PDA sucks, but she's willing to hold hands)
WILL FIGHT FOR HER (Alex's translation; able to fight other guys over her, because a bloody lip is so hot!)
NOT A MAMA'S BOY (Harper reluctantly settled for this, because it IS Alex's list)
LIKES SPORTS (wrote "likes," not "loves" because she's not sharing him with her father)
GETS ALONG WITH HER BROTHERS (yet will ALWAYS be on her side of the argument)
HAS A JOB (Alex is the slacker in the relationship, she had learned that two slackers do not a successful relationship make)
HAS PATIENCE (if only because her most successful relationship was with her best friend and apparently Harper has the patience of a saint!)
OPPOSITE OF ALEX (she doesn't know what Harper means by this trait, but she trusts her friend's judgment… so far…)

Alex wonders if someone that fits this list really exists. Harper insists that he's out there.

Alex shrugged. If all else fails, she could always magically create him.

Harper shrugged. Or she could start packing and practicing her Hail Mary's.

Alex is going to stick with the list.

I'm just looking for
a four-eyes-really-square regular guy,
just like you.
Wouldn't it be cool?
Couldn't it be you?
Wouldn't it be cool?
Couldn't it be you?

~*~KIND/GENTLE~*~

Alex had stormed in from her date with the Kind/Gentle dude that Harper set her up with. As she starts banging doors and cabinets, frustrated and hungry, Justin (home for the summer from college) eyes her with slight amusement.

After a crack starts to appear on the cabinet over the stove, Justin jumps from his seat on the couch and tries to calm Alex down.

As she rants about her date (words like "boring," "idiotic," "snooze-fest" were being thrown about), Justin gently guides her to the couch. For the next fifteen minutes, he allows her to bitch and moan while every so often getting up to refill the drink he had given her.

It took Alex nearly an hour to realize that Justin had not only hydrate and fed her, but had also given her the remote so that they could sit together in peace (no bickering word or snarky remarks present) and watch her favorite rom-com (yes she had one).

~*~SMART~*~

She was stuck on a celebrity crossword puzzle. Alex hated the boring New York Times crosswords that Justin poured himself over, but she found the one in People magazine to be a lot more entertaining.

Alex had shouted across the diner to Justin, who was busy actually working the tables, what was an eleven word for a Kate Beckinsale movie that's described as "fate with a sense of humor."

As he handed her a tray of empty plates (not to mention casually tossing her an evil eye for not helping him with the lunch rush), he answered "Serendipity."

Alex perked up with a smile, complimented that his brain was good for something after all, and proceeded to finish up her puzzle.

But not before asking him a couple more questions…

~*~HOT~*~

After Zeke and a couple of cute guys in their class, Harper had gone back to sporting the Justin-goggles. All she could see was Justin.

Justin this. Justin that. Justin looked handsome in his black shirt. Justin totally rocked the denim jeans. Justin looked sweet in that fedora.

Justin. Justin. Justin.

Alex had never felt like blowing her best friend's brains out so much…

Harper was boggled that Alex couldn't see how hot her brother was.

Alex stared at Harper before cocking her imaginary gun and aiming it just right in the middle of her friend's forehead.

Before she could pull the invisible trigger, a jogger made his way into the diner after his run across Central Park.

He had blue running shorts, dark shades, white ear pieces from his I Pod… and nothing more.

For a moment Alex's brain had buzzed "Hottie Alert!" at the sight of him. Her mouth gaped and she could feel a blush burning across her face.

She would have been stuck in that trance were Harper not to suddenly faint two seconds later!

As Alex tended to her friend (what the hell came over Harper?!), the runner automatically whipped off his shades and ran to Alex's side.

He asked his sister if Harper was okay.

Alex blinked at the sight of the runner (aka Justin), then quickly composing herself and smirked at him with the excuse of how Harper must have smelled his B.O. and that he was sweating like a pig.

Justin shoved her with his sweaty (and toned) shoulder before mumbling and heading upstairs.

Alex watched him leave, but not before swallowing the urge to throw up and cocking that imaginary gun to her own temple.

~*~FUNNY~*~

Guys sucked.

Alex was through with men. She had bemoaned to Harper that she had gone out with six guys in the past two weeks… all epic fails.

Harper told her not to give up hope. That the guy who can complete that list was out there somewhere!

Alex shook her head, saying that she might as well make some calls for the nearest nunnery.

Too upset with her love life, Alex wasn't aware of the shadow outside her doorway.

After dinner the next night with the family, Justin handed Alex a gift-wrapped box.

Her mood, which had been sullen all week, suddenly lightened. Oh presents!

She unwrapped it, saw the contents, and felt a blush fill her face.

Justin, whom had known this would go one of two ways (and he was preparing for it to involve rage and hitting), was shocked to see Alex dissolve into a fit of giggles.

Her face brightened as she placed the nun's habit and rosary beads on her.

How did she look?

Justin grinned as he informed her that sadly the world must end because Alex the she-devil looked like an angel!

~*~WILLINGNESS TO HOLD HANDS~*~

Alex was grumpy.

And cold. Unusually cold considering it was a July night.

But Alex had figured that her third date with Lucas (now dubbed as Loser Number… ah hell, she had lost count) would end with a casual walk home together, eating ice cream and enjoying the city lights.

Uh… wrong.

Lucas had taken it upon himself to end-- whatever it was they had and so here Alex was, walking home… alone.

And despite it being quite chilly, Alex still wanted her ice cream!

Just as she rounded the corner block that would lead to Waverly Place, Alex felt a familiar presence from behind her. Normally she would have rolled her eyes and cast a spell to teach Justin a lesson for sneaking up on her, but she was in no mood to play any games.

Justin had tapped her shoulder, causing her to stop and glance back with a weary look.

Bad date?

You think?

She huffed and turned to continue her way home when she felt Justin's arm wrap itself around her shoulder and slowly steer her in the opposite direction.

Alex had cast him an incredulous look, but before she could open her mouth, Justin explained how she can tell him all about her crappy date over frozen hot chocolate from Serendipity 3.

His treat.

Magic words if she ever heard of them.

And she didn't even mind having his arm draped as such, from the walk to the restaurant and back home again.

~*~WILL FIGHT FOR HER~*~

Alex was laughing her ass off.

Not because she was called a "whore."

Not because she had almost turned the bastard into a rat (with intentions to feed him to a cat).

Not because Harper was freaking out over the whole incident.

Not because Justin had overheard the jerk and had lunged at him.

Not because the jerk had side-stepped Justin, allowing her brother to fall to the ground and open himself to getting jumped by said jerk.

Not because she had watched Justin get punched in the nose and kicked in the stomach.

No… Alex was laughing her ass off because after the jerk had kicked Justin, she in turn stalked up to the bastard and proceeded to beat the snot out of him until he cried!

The big baby.

That's why Alex, bleeding fists and all, was laughing her ass off.

~*~NOT A MAMA'S BOY~*~

It was pathetic really.

Alex rolled her eyes, disgusted as she watched her brother kiss so much ass.

For the past week, Justin took every opportunity to be a mama's boy. When their mom needed an errand, Justin jumped at the chance. When their mom wanted to coddle, Justin allowed her to baby him. When their mom wanted to watch a movie, or otherwise hang out with her children, Justin freed up his entire schedule just for her!

If Alex heard the syrupy "Of course, mom," coming out of Justin's lips one. More. Time…

"Of course, mom, I'll go to the market for you!"

Alex needed, few years shy of legally drinking, a drink real bad.

Later that night, while the two siblings were rummaging the fridge and kitchen cabinets after everyone had retired for the night, Alex began taunting Justin for the umpteenth time about being such a sissy mama's boy.

Suddenly, Justin, usually never one to actually rage on her, turned around and began yelling! Accusing her of being lazy around the house, of not at all appreciative of everything their mother has ever done for them, of being such a whiny bitch that should be glad that their mom is still alive and healthy!

Wait? What?!

Justin's shoulders began to shake as he fought against an urge to sob in front of Alex.

Alex's own eyes started to water as an overwhelming dread filled in her.

Justin shook his head, suddenly drained and not wanting to get into things, and started towards the door.

Quickly, Alex had cast the infamous truth spell in which Justin had no choice but to reveal everything.

Like how their mom had gone to the doctor for her usual check-up, only to get the news that something unusual turned up in the testing… Like how the doctor had insisted they take more tests, to be sure that it wasn't just a fluke or something more… Like how Justin had found their mom, sitting on the couch, crying over a scrapbook of their younger days… Like how he and his father had a long talk about the possibilities that could go wrong in the doctor's findings… Like how they (all three; mom, dad, and Justin) didn't want to scare both her and Max until they knew for sure of what the test results were… Like how they had received a call that morning, showing that it was all a false alarm and that their mom had gotten a clean bill of health!

Justin spilled everything, including tears.

The next morning, Alex had enveloped her mom into a big, long hug and resolved to be a little bit more like a mama's girl.

~*~LIKES SPORTS~*~

Alex hated football.

Hell, she hated most sports.

But football… well, football was loathed.

Except for that one time she was trying desperately to impress a football player.

And even then the work she had to go through just to get his attention! This guy was no average dumb jock. He lived and breathed football!

So what does Alex do? She plays the "oh yeah, I live in a house full of brothers and a father that LOVES football, so duh of course I love football too!" card.

Yeah… apparently she needs to know some stats… and rules… and perhaps that the actual football does not go through a hoop, but a goal post.

She could have her father teach her the ins-and-outs of the game, but that would arouse his suspicion and eventually go one of two ways; her dad wanting to meet and bond with the boy (which automatically loses all appeal he ever had over Alex) or her dad wanting to meet and put out a hit on the boy (which, being her dad is part Italian, it is possible).

Max… yeah, no way will she ever let Max teach her anything!

That left… Ah man... oh well, it would have been him eventually...

No.

Please?

No.

Please?

What's in it for me?

Alex had a thousand and one smartass responses to this, but she decides to bite the bullet and be nice. She offers Justin anything. Whatever form of payment, she will give.

Just teach her about football.

Justin smirks and automatically knows that whoever this guy is that his sister wanted to impress, damn he must be hot enough for her to swallow her pride.

So Justin complies.

By the week's end, Alex knows the different team names (and colors, which oddly enough helped her learning process), the difference between a QB and a FB, and that there are no hoops and hockey pucks in football!

Unfortunately, by week's end, the hot football played started dating one of the cheerleaders at school that Alex had publicly called a cow.

All that work for nothing! Alex was pissed!

And Justin? Well, he was satisfied with his payment… who knew going to a season's worth of football games with your sister could be so much fun? Especially when you have her fetching the drinks and snacks?

Added bonus that he actually enjoyed fighting with her over whether or not the referee had called a fair play.

~*~GETS ALONG WITH HER BROTHERS~*~

Max had just pwned Justin at Halo when Alex, whom had been watching her brothers go at the game for nearly an hour, decided that she wanted to play.

Violence and the chance to blow up her brother to pieces? Hell yes she wanted in!

At first Max had gone easy on her while she learned the controls. He also figured that he might let her win a battle or two, just to be fair. Heck! He'll even allow Justin to coach her from the sidelines!

She's going to need all the help she can get once the "Maxinator" was through!

Ready, Alex?

I'm ready, Max.

Two hours later…

Justin, sitting on Alex's side of the couch, was taunting his little brother for having his butt handed to him on a platter… by a girl!

Who'd have thought that Alex would be a natural at shooter games? It was a disturbing thought to grace both brothers's minds.

Max, already frustrated at losing for the past hour and a half, suddenly got up and threw his controller on the couch.

He started to storm off in a huff when Alex called his name.

What?

You forgot something, bro.

He started back towards her, asking what it was.

Glint in her eye, smirk on her lips, she pressed a button and BOOM.

An umbrella! Because it's raining you!

Justin high-fived Alex as he complimented her pwning their little brother.

~*~HAS A JOB~*~

Alex was broke.

Surprise, surprise.

So, she did was she does best in a situation like this…

Oh. Wait. Bank of Dad was closed today because of Mother's Day (Jerry had to save extra money because he had forgotten a gift last Mother's Day).

Okay… Oh! Harper!

Oh. Wait. She still had a negative withdrawal with Harper that spanned to… one, two, divide over six percent interest… well, let's just say that she'll probably name her first and second child after her best friend at this rate!

Money. Who had money-- Oh! Mom!

Oh. Mom. Yeah, if Bank of Dad was closed, Mom's Savings and Loans was out of the question. She'd be denied for the loan before she even had the chance to apply for said loan.

Alright… hey, now… Max! Max was sure to-- oh, no. Max still owed her money! And his debt was even deeper than her own to Harper!

Alex hated being broke! Because when it all came down to it, there was only one "ATM" she could go to… but damn if the interest won't kill her!

For the teal Roxy bag that was on sale downtown?… $15.99

For the cost of lunch she had to pick up for her and her brother?… $16

For the amount she still owes her brother, but he can wait for it to be paid?… $165.99

For the pure joy of having to torture his sister with a lecture on why it does pay to have a job after all?… PRICELESS

~*~HAS PATIENCE~*~

Alex thought it was sad.

Oh Justin… poor, pathetic Justin.

Does he not know the odds of retaining a long-distance relationship is slim to none? For mortals and non-mortal alike? Even the most patient of saints have their breaking point, and Alex predicts that Justin's will shatter soon enough.

It also doesn't help that his odds suck even more considering that he's dating not just an "older woman," but also one who has-- what is that? Oh yes, FOREVER. And what does he have? Well, if Alex had to calculate based on how old their own grandfather is… oh look! Justin has about eighty more years left!

Alex didn't know whether to laugh or cry for her older brother.

Oh wait, she does know what to do.

Alex laughed.

Because, you know, it's funny. And sad. And pathetic. But mostly funny.

A week goes by. It's still sad and funny.

A month goes by. It's still sad and funny, but now it's becoming sickening.

Three months go by. Sad, funny, sickening, pathetic… confusing (at least to Alex, and what's worst is that she doesn't know why it confuses her!)

Okay… it's now six months, and Alex no longer finds it sad. Nor funny. Nor sickening. Nor pathetic. Nor even confusing.

No. Alex is actually annoyed.

What in heaven's name did they think to accomplish?! A world record for letter writing?!

And what's bad is that even Harper is starting to think it's kind of romantic.

Romantic? Justin? Please! He thinks Wall-E is the equivalent of Romeo and Juliet!

Alex prays that this ends before Christmas, lest she has to control her gag reflexes while opening presents!

… and it doesn't end before Christmas.

… Nor does it end before Valentine's Day.

What… the… They actually made a year of being apart!

That's it! Alex wasn't annoyed anymore…

Alex was pissed.

Why?

Because it's sad! And pathetic! And ridiculous! And… and…

Her eyes suddenly found Justin sitting alone in the corner booth of their family sub station. He has a content smile on his face as he's reading Juliet's latest letter. His face is glowing with a sort of awe and love that she's never seen before.

And oh crap does the sight cause something in her heart to just flop in pain.

And Alex is no longer angry… but depressed.

Because when it came to Juliet, Justin apparently would wait an eternity for her.

~*~OPPOSITE OF ALEX~*~

Harper had insisted to Alex that if all else fails, go after someone that is your complete and total opposite!

Why else would there be a famous saying that "Opposites Attract"?

Okay, Alex thought, this meant she needed someone that wasn't anything like her.

That should be easy to figure out! And Alex approved taking the easy road.

She needed a nice guy. She needed a smart guy (not street smart like her, but more or less book smart). She needed someone that obeys the rules. She needed someone that wasn't as quick to the sarcasm like she was. She needed someone that thought of others, because goodness knows she was selfish. She needed someone kind of dorky, because duh she's awesome! She needed--

Alex's thoughts halted like a train that suddenly got derailed and spiraled into a fiery mess 'a la Final Destination like.

Why?

Because her eyes spotted Justin in one of the corner booths, pouring into a book while absently twirling a pen in his hand.

And suddenly Alex, heart in her throat, felt like throwing up. BIG TIME.

I'm just looking for
a four-eyes-really-square regular guy,
just like you.
Wouldn't it be cool?
Couldn't it be you?
Wouldn't it be cool?
Couldn't it be you?

A year after Harper made her that list, Alex ceremoniously set it aflame and tossed it into a garbage can outside of their terrace.

Harper fretted that Alex was going to go back to her "Bad Guy" chasing ways.

No. No she wasn't.

To which Harper wondered if she had found Alex's "Perfect Guy" (one that fit all the qualifications on that list) and that was why she was destroying it.

No… No she hadn't.

Then why? Why did Alex destroy the list?

Alex cast a quick glance behind her. Especially at the sight of Justin laughing at whatever was going on inside. Knowing his eyes were as bright as his smile, his laugh infectious… and her heart twisted just a little.

Before Harper could catch her, Alex turned to her best friend and shrugged.

Because maybe she'll find a "Regular Guy" instead.

A/N: Hoped you guys enjoyed! R&R and let me know what you think. Oh and if you've never heard of this song before... I highly suggest listening to it because it IS that awesome and the feel of the song just screamed for a "list" scenerio.