PIRATES OF THE COCOABEAN: CURSE OF THE BAD PARODY
Hello there! Welcome to my first attempt at fanfiction! Instead of going with something challenging and so popular it makes you nauseous, like Sparrabeth stories, time travel, or movie characters' long lost daughters (why is Jack Sparrow incapable of having a son?), I have decided to make a stupid parody that even Jack the monkey could do!
So how is my story different, you ask? One word: totally freakin' awesome commentary! Okay, so that was four words, but you get my drift. Anyway, on with the show! POEISMYHERO pulls out a huge tub of popcorn and finishes half of it during the previews.
Title scene (yay, no opening credits!)
Ext. Foggy ship. Basically the definition of creepy.
YOUNG ELIZABETH sings "A Pirate's Life for Me" totally emo like, because she can't watch Spongebob Squarepants on the telly.
MR. GIBBS
(Freaks ELIZABETH out by grabbing her)
Don't sing about pirates! Even over miles of ocean and the sounds of cannon fire, they can hear you singing about them. If they do, they'll abandon their dramatic fight scenes just to rush over here and turn you into a flaming shish kabob! And "A Pirate's Life for Me" shouldn't be sung emo like!
NORRINGTON
(Walks up all pompous and stuff)
Mr. Gibbs, stop freaking out Elizabeth.
MR. GIBBS
But it's bad luck to sing about pirates! Especially while we're sailing in the basic definition of creepy. Do you even know where we're going?
NORRINGTON
No, but I do know your pirate accent and superstitions are getting on my nerves. Go swab the deck.
MR. GIBBS
So much for luxury cruises.
(Chugs down some rum before swabbing again)
YOUNG ELIZABETH
I think it would be cool to be kidnapped by murderous drunks.
NORRINGTON
I don't! They stink and they're songs are really annoying. The next time I hear a pirate sing, I'll give him a short drop and a sudden stop.
YOUNG ELIZABETH
Say what?
MR. GIBBS
A hanging, you dimwit.
YOUNG ELIZABETH
(Thoroughly disgusted)
Oh.
GOVENOR SWANN
(Appears randomly)
Norrington, stop freaking out my daughter, although I'm not sure why a hanging would be scarier than pirates.
YOUNG ELIZABETH
I still like pirates, though.
GOVERNOR SWANN
One of the negative effects of Disney's mother killing frenzy.
YOUNG ELIZABETH looks out at sea. Creepy music plays. A parasol floats toward the boat.
YOUNG ELIZABETH
Wow, a parasol! I've always wanted one, although I would like a boy better.
YOUNG WILL, unconscious, floats toward the boat.
YOUNG ELIZABETH
(Screams like a fangirl and claps her hands)
Yay! My wish came true!
NORRINGTON overhears her girlish screams of delight and looks in her direction.
NORRINGTON
Adolescent overboard!
NORRINGTON and OTHER SAILORS haul YOUNG WILL onto deck. ELIZABETH stares at YOUNG WILL, trying to imagine him without a shirt.
NORRINGTON
He's still breathing.
MR. GIBBS
Lookie, lookie!
EVERYONE turns to see a flaming shish kabob of a ship. Which is weird, because it's on the water.
GOVERNOR SWANN
What happened?
NORRINGTON
I think it was an explosion of ammo, because I'm too stuck up and pompous to think of any other explanation.
MR. GIBBS
Hello, stupid much? It was pirates! I foreshadowed this already!
GOVERNOR SWANN
There's no proof!
MR. GIBBS motions to the burning ship in his defense.
GOVERNOR SWANN
Oh, well…let's go look for survivors!
(Turns to YOUNG ELIZABETH)
Elizabeth, go take care of the boy.
YOUNG ELIZABETH
Yay!
(Runs to YOUNG WILL and gently strokes his hair for no reason whatsoever)
YOUNG WILL, after being thrown around and dropped on the ship, is woken by this small touch. He gasps and grabs her.
YOUNG ELIZABETH
Hi, I'm Elizabeth, your future girlfriend!
YOUNG WILL
Will Turner…
(Faints because he realizes he only has one line in the whole freakin' movie)
YOUNG ELIZABETH
Hey, I'm speaking to you! Don't faint on me!
(Notices MEDALLION)
Well, because you're so rude, I'll take this shiny thing!
(Takes it, then notices the skull on it)
You're a pirate!
(Squeals in delight)
NORRINGTON
(Hears her squeal of delight and walks over)
Did he say anything yet?
YOUNG ELIZABETH
(Hides MEDALLION)
His name's Will Turner. He's also extremely cute!
NORRINGTON, a little freaked out, walks away. YOUNG ELIZABETH looks back at the medallion. She sees a ship with tattered black sails in the horizon.
BLACK PEARL
Lookie, lookie!
YOUNG ELIZABETH
Oh, a pirate ship! I'm gonna make a wish!
(Shuts eyes)
Int. Elizabeth's room
ELIZABETH
(Wakes up)
Wow, I just had a reverse dejá vu!
ELIZABETH gets up and opens drawer. She pushes a button revealing a false bottom. Inside lies WILL'SMEDALLION, dusty from lack of use.
MEDALLION
The light…I see the light! Reach for it…reach for it!
ELIZABETH
Why do I keep this thing? Oh, yeah, pirates!
(Puts MEDALLION on and models herself in front of the mirror)
GOVERNOR SWANN
(Knocks on door)
Elizabeth? Are you doing anything pirate related?
ELIZABETH
No, of course not!
(Throws robe on and hides medallion where no one will ever find it – in that canyon she calls cleavage)
Come in!
POEISMYHERO
Don't you 17th century English people have any decency?
ELIZABETH
Nope!
GOVERNOR SWANN
(Enters room)
I have a gift for you, Elizabeth!
(Pulls out iron maiden/dress)
ELIZABETH
I wanted an iPhone.
GOVERNOR SWANN
Here, put it on!
(Thrusts it into Elizabeth's hands)
I want you to wear this deadly contraption to today's ceremony, so Norrington will think you're dying and marry you before you do!
ELIZABETH
(Disgusted)
But he's, like, ten years older than me!
GOVERNOR SWANN
Yes, but he has a wig now. Like me!
(Dances around with wig on)
ELIZABETH
You're not fooling anyone.
GOVERNOR SWANN
(Depressed)
I know.
BUTLER
(Enters room)
Someone's here to see you, sir.
GOVERNOR SWANN
Yay! I can show off my wig!
(Follows BUTLER)
Int. Foyer
WILL
Oh, how pretty.
(Breaks candle thingy)
Darn! I'll hide it in this umbrella stand. No one will look in there!
POEISMYHERO
Question. If they're too stupid to look in the umbrella stand, won't they be too stupid to notice that it's gone?
WILL
Hey, I didn't write the bloody script.
TED ELLIOT AND TERRY ROSSIO
Hey!
WILL throws candle thingy at the writers, knocking them out.
POEISMYHERO
Well, that explains a lot.
(Runs to the bathroom because that popcorn she had earlier now has decided to seek out its revenge)
GOVERNOR SWANN
(Skips down the stairs like the gay, girly man he is)
Hello Will!
(Trips and falls down stairs, then gets up and brushes off wig like nothing ever happened)
WILL
I have that sword for Commodore Norrington, although I don't know why I'm giving it to you.
(Opens case and pulls out sword)
GOVERNOR SWANN
Ooo, shiny!
WILL
It's shiny, expensive…
(Flips sword around)
And it does tricks!
POEISMYHERO
(Back from bathroom)
You just caught that by the blade. How come your hands aren't seriously injured?
WILL
Do you ever stop asking questions?
POEISMYHERO
Nope!
GOVERNOR SWANN
(Totally oblivious to POEISMYHERO)
Wonderful! Give my compliments to your master!
WILL
No one appreciates me.
ELIZABETH
(Walks down stairs as sexy music plays in the background, then flips hair in slow motion. Speaks in a sultry voice)
Hello, Will. I dreamt about you last night.
WILL
(Totally oblivious)
Really?
ELIZABETH
Yes, about the day we met. Do you remember?
WILL
How could I forget, Miss Swann? Even though I was unconscious 99% of the time.
ELIZABETH
(Whining like a little girl)
Call me Elizabeth!
(She leaves with GOVERNOR SWANN in super stretch limo)
Goodbye, Mr. Turner!
WILL
Goodbye … Elizabeth.
ELIZABETH
(In carriage, speaking to herself)
Yay, dramatic pause! He totally likes me!