A million phone calls I never made, because I couldn't find the words and… the words I knew that needed to be said were just too much, too real… and how could you ever believe me?

Me, thousands of miles away, in some room overlooking Paris and alone… how could you believe that girl, the one who left you to cry and not on her shoulder?

So, I never called you.

And I didn't write you. And I didn't forget you, but I didn't reach out to you.

And I didn't stop loving you, but I didn't give you anymore of my heart.

And there were a million times where I wanted to see you, but I didn't come home.

And there were a million dreams about you, but I didn't make myself wake up and really find you.

So I never called you.

Even at the airport terminal, Aiden's smile drilling into my eyes and I am a kid in the chair – wishing for a lollipop and getting cavities instead – even there, with his arm around my shoulders and every action of his speaking of love… I am thinking of the phone in my pocket and how badly it wants to hear from you.

I am thinking of how badly I want to talk to you, but I stay silent.

I am thinking of how badly I want to beg you to take me back, but I just keep walking.

I am thinking of only you, Spencer, but I let him take me home.

And I never call you, a million times I never call you… because if I do, if I actually climb the walls and break down the door, if I actually grasp the brass ring and if I actually make it to finish line…

I just know you won't pick up.

Because you've been counting the times I've never called you, too.