Question Me, a mass effect fanfic

I can't be the only one who is not dying from anticipation as I wait for Mass Effect 2 onlybecause Dragon Age is just around the corner! God, the teasers and trailers and dev diaries...I already knew I was going to be buying it! I didn't need any further convincing thankyouverymuch Bioware :P

Shepard leaned forward to check out the readings as Joker gave a quick run down of the planet.

"Nothing of real note, Commander. Dirt, rock and snow but hey, that's never stopped you before right? Bring me back a souvenir...I oughta start a collection as a reminder of all the shithole places you make me take my baby."

The first human Spectre cocked a brow in what Joker sort of thought could possibly be amusement. "Your baby?"

"Hell yeah! First of all, I am the best. And second...do you think you could find another crack pilot that you can trust to pull you out of trouble time after time? This ship is mine...and yours a bit I suppose."

Joker gave himself a mental pat on the back when the Normandy's Commander actually chuckled. "True, but I doubt your lifesaving skills will be needed for a simple mineral survey."

The flight lieutenant pinned his superior with a suspicious glare. "One of your last simple missions, as I recall, found a Prothean ruin falling down around your ears as I saved the day just in time. And the time before that-"

"Yes, thank you, Joker."

The pilot snapped his mouth closed with a wry grin as Shepard's telltale temple twitch started dancing. Getting the close-mouthed vanguard to relax or show some real emotion was a trial, to be sure. And Joker figured even irritation was a win but hey, he wasn't stupid enough to keep pressing when the temple started throbbing. Williams seemed to be the only one who had a death wish in that regard.

"Comm's open if you want to summon your shore party."

X X X X X

Ashley squirmed a little at being stuck in such a small space with the krogan. She knew he knew of her discomfort but said nothing, likely taking pleasure in her silent unease. She clamped her mouth closed as her stomach tried to escape, more than a little satisfied that Wrex wasn't coping too well with Shepard's driving skills either. Didn't they teach How Not To Make Your Passengers Spew in Spectre Training 101? To think she could be modding that new rifle she picked up from the jelly on Noveria right now instead. The chief couldn't see why the rest of the crew was exempt from suffering from their Commander's uncanny ability to find every rock, mountain and steep incline with the Mako. Ashley admitted the staff lieutenant had a good excuse; she had a friend back at training camp who had to have some frequent timeout to cope with the L2 effects as well. And having seen Alenko nearly pass out during breakfast, she wouldn't begrudge him a day off. But Liara had no such excuse, the soldier grouched. Studying some Prothean trinket or some such that they had picked up from, of all places, the Consort back on the Citadel. As if that qualifies as important! At least Garrus and Tali were studying a Geth data disk which would actually be useful in their Save The Galaxy mission.

Ashley fumed, dislike for the asari growing. Shepard gave the doctor too much freedom on the ship. It was beyond frustrating that they hadn't cut T'soni loose at the next port they stopped at. She was Benezia's daughter and sure, the matriarch was dead, but Ashley couldn't help shake the notion that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Plus Liara was close to useless groundside. She had skill with biotics, the chief could admit, but the asari panicked when things got too hot, and had accidentally shot a civilian when they were fighting the weird thorian creeper things at Feros. Ashley remembered the incident fondly; the Commander had been absolutely livid at Liara. No one had seen their CO like that before; it was always a calm, collected and cool front that led them. Shepard hadn't said anything, but the anger was visible for all to see...and the asari hadn't been on the shore party since.

Somehow, Ashley had come full turnabout in her thinking. It was likely a good thing that she and Wrex were with the Commander; Ashley always had Shepard's back, and the krogan mercenary was proving to be surprisingly trustworthy. Despite not liking him, Ashley knew she could rely on him if it came down to the nitty gritty.

The vehicle suddenly lurched and Wrex grumbled something in complaint as the Mako soared through the air, jolting the three of them hard as it landed on blessed flat.

Ashley was on the verge of offering some sarcastic remark on the Commander's brilliant driving skills, but stopped short after glancing at the Mako's map interface.

"Uh, Skipper, despite how much I just love planet bashing in the Mako for giggles," she squinted at the glowing screen to be sure, "the nav says your ore's back north a couple of clicks."

The Commander tapped the map without looking away from the trail they were blazing along, worrying Ashley more than a little when there was only one hand on the steering wheel for a few seconds.

"Sensors are picking up a strange anomaly consistent with the signal of an Alliance distress beacon."

Wrex frowned. "All the way out here? Seems suspect."

It pained Ashley somewhat to agree. "A trap, Commander?"

"Either way, we need to check it out. If it's a trap, we need to make sure no other Alliance patrols are lured in. Be on alert in any case."

As they drew nearer to the source of the signal, Ashley could clearly see an Alliance distress beacon flashing weakly in the light snow. Whether the wreckage close by it was a pod that had crashed or a terrain vehicle lured in by the bait of the signal, the chief wasn't sure.

"What do you think, Skipper?"

Shepard was silent a moment, slowing the Mako to a stop before glancing at her with a frown. "It's reminiscent of Admiral Kahoku's team isn't it. I can't say I like the situation."

"Orders?" Wrex asked, obviously impatient.

The Commander activated the Mako's comm link. "Joker, lock in on the Mako's position and do a sweep of the area."

"Aye, aye."

Ashley examined the area through the weapons scope for a closer look while they waited for the pilot's report. "Can't see any indication of which way this could go. Looks clear to me but hey, last time that thresher maw came from nowhere too."

"It's a bad spot for us," Wrex grumbled. "Ain't nothing for decent cover but the Mako if it's a trap."

Joker's voice rang in the Mako again. "Nothing down there, Commander. What's up?"

"You're not picking up an Alliance distress signal?" Shepard frowned. "We're looking at the beacon right now."

"Negative," the pilot sounded surprised. "Must be close to dead if the Normandy isn't catching it."

The Commander was silent a moment, fingers tapping restlessly on the steering wheel. "We're checking it out. Track our position in case this isn't what it seems and gets ugly."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

Ashley kept the weapons scope swiveling around the area as the Mako closed in on the beacon. And sighed with relief when they stopped metres from it and no thresher maw burst from the ground to spew acid at them.

Shepard pulled out a shotgun in the limited space and turned to glance at her and Wrex. "I'll check it out. You two stay here, just in case I need missile back up or we need to make a quick get away."

A burst of cold air blew in as the Commander kicked open the door and moved toward the wreckage, Ashley watching cautiously through the scope and Wrex by the door with his assault rifle ready.

"What do you think?" Ashley asked the krogan, their superior out of earshot.

"I'm not going to question Shepard," he said, voice rough. "It's smart to be ready for anything, but it's looking like this is exactly what it is: an old distress beacon we found too late and by accident. There's no one to save here."

"Yeah, but better safe than sorry, right?"

Ashley jumped when Shepard's voice echoed through their comms. "Nothing but rubble here. Williams, as soon as I'm out of range destroy the beacon, then we'll backtrack to the ore deposit."

"Aye, aye, Commander!" she focused the scope on the weak distress beacon, frowning when the Spectre didn't move out of her range of fire. "Commander?"

Wrex cocked his rifle and scanned the area as Shepard stiffened and looked up, shotgun at the ready. Ashley didn't need to look out the Mako's reinforced screen to see what her ears were already hearing: a Geth dropship. Shepard swore and then their communications were jammed. Wrex was trying to yell over the noise at the Commander, and Ashley swivelled the scope around to lock on to the first Geth Armature she spotted.

"What the fuck is Shepard doing?!" she screamed, firing off a missile between bursts of the Mako's machine gun. "We're dead if we don't get out of here!"

Ashley caught Wrex's eye and felt her stomach drop at the krogan's deep grimace. "Stuck using the beacon for cover, pinned by snipers. I can see four armature, a dozen or so troopers, two snipers and three rockets."

A well placed missile sent an armature crashing to the ground, twitching and sizzling.

Wrex grinned, turning back to the door, his rifle relentless. "My mistake...three armature."

A pulse of energy violently shook the Mako, and Ashley glanced at the interface to check the damage.

"Shit! We can't take another hit like that! Are communications back up? We need Joker stat!"

Wrex suddenly moved to sit behind the wheel of the Mako, slamming the door closed with a push of a button. Ashley stared at him as the vehicle started speeding away from the ambush.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?! Shepard's still back there!"

She spun the scope to lock on the Commander, who nodded minutely before turning back to face what Ashley thought was almost certain death.

"Orders," Wrex growled, his driving skills not all that much better than their CO's. "Shepard's sign language is easy enough to understand. We get out of range, contact the Normandy for back up and hope like hell Shepard is still alive when we get back."

He glared at her suddenly. "...Because, Williams, we are going back."

Joker's voice abruptly crackled through the Mako's damaged comm, his voice laced with not quite disguised concern. "-ore party, respond! I repeat, Normandy to shore party, res-"

"Joker!"

"Williams! Stat Rep! What the hell's going on down there?!"

"No time!" Ashley barked, tense and itching to take out some Geth. "Beacon was a Geth ambush! We need back up pronto!"

"Aerial support?"

Ashley slammed in to the metal wall of the vehicle as Wrex spun the Mako one eighty degrees, not even sparing the krogan mercenary a glare as she continued to yell at the pilot.

"Fuck yes aerial support! We're facing Geth Armature and a small fucking Geth army, and the Mako's reporting over seventy percent damage! Hurry your ass up and pull out some of your fancy manoeuvres, we're heading back!"

"Normandy's on it's way. ETA four minutes...what do you mean you're heading back?" Joker's voice dropped as he seemed to understand something was more wrong than usual. "You need to hang back while I shoot the shit out of the Geth! Not to mention another hit and the Mako won't exactly be healthy. Why the hell are you-"

"Shepard's still back there," Wrex interrupted, eyes focused and intense. "We'll get the Commander out. You be ready to blow those bastards in to deep space."

"Fuck," said Joker, and then the comm was dead once more as the Mako entered range of the Geth.

Even from this distance, Ashley could see blood...and everyone fucking knew that synthetics didn't bleed. She couldn't see the Commander, but there were noticeably less Geth than before they had left to contact the Normandy. Swivelling the scope to the left, the chief spotted movement by the wreckage.

"Over there!" she said, but Wrex was already moving the Mako.

Shepard's head popped up for a moment, ducking again when a red telltale sniper dot appeared much too close for comfort. Ashley breathed out a sigh of relief, focusing once more on letting the synthetics know exactly what she thought of them. Wrex kept the vehicle moving, dodging the slow but dangerous pulses the armature sent their way, but they were outnumbered and damaged.

"How do we get the Commander out of there?" Wrex growled, weaving and activating the Mako's propulsion jets to avoid hits. "It's too dangerous for us to get any closer, and running for it would be suicide."

The pair looked up as a new roar rattled the windows, the Normandy a welcome sight but coming in too fast for comfort considering the circumstances. Ashley abandoned manning the guns and slammed the Mako's door open.

"Commander!" she screamed, not sure if she could be heard over the roar of gunfire and the incoming ship. "Run! Get out of range!"

Whether the chief had been heard or not, Shepard understood the situation and was instantly running to close the few hundred metres between cover that was about to be bombed and the Mako. Ashley was horrified to see a limp and blood and an arm hanging loosely...a face paler than normal and eyes unfocused as the Commander neared. Shepard wasn't going to make it, was the startling truth of the matter as Ashley watched several missiles hurtle toward the Geth.

She shielded her eyes from the explosion, the shock waves sending the Mako backwards a few feet and the sound almost deafening. She grabbed her rifle and leapt out of the vehicle, Wrex mirroring her movements to her right as they scanned the settling debris for any synthetics that survived the attack, heading toward the sprawled and unmoving form of their Commanding Officer.

"Shit, fuck," whispered Ashley as she knelt beside the body, hesitantly searching for a pulse.

She slumped with relief and glanced up at Wrex. "Just knocked out from the blast, but if we don't get Shepard back to the Normandy..."

Wrex nodded, activating his comm. "Normandy, soldier down, requesting pick up immediately."

At hearing only static, Ashley cursed again. "The after shock must've knocked out communication, but Joker'll be back. He's not stupid."

As if to support this the Normandy roared overhead once more, dropping to land in the clearing that was only just big enough. Without speaking Wrex hoisted Shepard up, easily carrying the armored vanguard while Ashley headed back to the Mako to drive it up the ramp to the cargo hold. On her way back to the ship, the chief shot a missile at the beacon that had caused so much trouble, just in case.

X X X X X

Kaidan shifted restlessly in his seat as Wrex and Ashley gave the crew a report on what had happened groundside. His migraine was quickly gaining intensity as he discovered just how close a call it was this time. Again. Like practically every other easy assignment the Commander picked up. Shepard looked dead not half an hour earlier, and the way the doctor's expression turned thin and grave...Kaidan suspected this was likely the closest call they'd ever had. He wanted to yell at Wrex and Ashley, he wanted to hunt down some Geth for a little retribution, he wanted to stomp in to the med bay and shake Shepard awake, slap a little sense in to his superior. But Alenko's anger deflated. It was an Alliance distress signal; of course it had to be investigated. But how did Shepard always manage to turn simple things like a quick mineral survey in to a life or death situation?! It was like the Spectre was a magnet for trouble, and it certainly didn't help that the Alliance lumped all the difficult missions in to the Normandy's To Do basket. There were likely plenty of reasons the brass couldn't get anyone else to deal with biotic cults and rogue VIs and kidnapped politicians, but the reason that stood out the most was the fact that they were bloody dangerous!

"What's our next step?" Garrus punctured the lieutenant's thoughts. "We can't continue to Virmire with the Commander out of action."

"I believe it would be prudent to return to the Citadel for the time being," Tali spoke up beside Kaidan. "There Doctor Chakwas would have access to more resources, and we would be able to purchase more omni-gel to help repair the Mako."

There was an echo of agreement to this before Liara leaned forward. "Shouldn't we inform the Council of Commander Shepard's current condition?"

Ashley snorted, and Kaidan already knew the chief wasn't going to pull her punches with the Commander absent.

"Oh, sure, Liara...I'm sure the Council would swoop in and do what exactly, hm?" the soldier's expression turned nasty. "In case you haven't noticed, the Council has never lifted a finger to help us out; don't want to get their hands dirty but hey, they'll take the credit for it no worries. Why the hell would now be any different?"

Alenko's migraine was trying to burst out of his head, he was sure of it. In any case, he didn't want to sit here and listen to the crew bicker. He stood up stiffly, which attracted more attention than he expected.

"Now's not the time for this," he said, glancing at the chief and silently asking her to stand down. "I doubt Shepard would be happy to know what's going on when we're temporarily without a Commander."

Kaidan was relieved when Ashley leaned back in her seat, glaring at nothing in particular.

"Tali's right," the lieutenant continued, ignoring the throbbing of his head for a while longer. "Heading back to the Citadel for now is smart, but it doesn't seem necessary to involve the Council at this time. Excuse me."

Whether the meeting fell apart further or was over didn't concern Kaidan any longer; he had to get back to his pod before he fainted on his feet. The lights of the CIC deck were drilling in to his brain, and it was much too noisy on this deck for his liking at the moment. But concern led him to the med bay first, where he found Doctor Chakwas talking to-

"Shepard?" Kaidan blurted informally in surprise, coming to his senses almost immediately to snap off a salute. "Uh, Commander! Judging by Wrex and Ash's report, I wasn't expecting to see you awake."

Shepard grinned, obviously sedated with pain killers since that expression was rarely seen. That didn't stop Kaidan's stomach from doing a backwards flip before nosediving, which he expected though was also alarmed at the new intensity. Probably a good thing then, his hurting brain supplied, that the Commander doesn't smile like that every damn day. Harboring this growing attraction for someone so completely out of bounds was hard enough without things like nice smiles to add to the mix.

"At ease, lieutenant," Shepard drawled, making the doctor frown.

"Now you've seen for yourself that the Commander is going to recover, lieutenant," she said, motioning for him to leave. "Perhaps you can let the rest of the crew know as well so I'm not interrupted every ten minutes. Now let me do my job."

"Ma'am," Kaidan nodded at her before making his way to his pod, actually relieved to be out of the med bay.

He paused outside his sleeper when his comm crackled. "I bet that meeting was as fun as it sounded...To the Citadel then, lieutenant?"

Alenko sighed. "Why ask me, Joker?"

The pilot snorted. "Kidding, right? XO Pressly's so far out of the loop I'm not going to bother, and the Commander seems to view you as second in command unofficially."

Kaidan digested this with minimal surprised spluttering.

"You seriously didn't know?" Joker asked, disbelief clear in his voice. "The whole crew knows. Anyway, you can get over it later. So, to the Citadel?"

"Yes," the lieutenant answered a little faintly.

"Setting course. Oh, Alenko?" Joker added, obviously serious. "How's the Commander?"

"Drugged to the eyeballs with pain killers," Kaidan answered as he climbed in to his sleeper pod. "But conscious."

The flight lieutenant huffed slightly with relief. "...Good. Yeah, good. ...The last thing I need is a black mark on my record for taking out Humanity's first Spectre and a goddamn war hero."

It was only then that Kaidan considered Joker's part in events, and the guilt that would be saddled with that.

Cutting the comm connection, he slipped in to the controlled darkness and welcome silence of his sleeper pod, leaving his problems at the door to pick up again when he woke, pain free and able to think more clearly.

X X X X X

Shepard leaned over the edge of the med bay cot and vomited. The heavy dose of pain suppressants Chakwas administered had, in retrospect, a rather nasty side effect. At least the doctor had foreseen that, and had positioned a bucket just right. Sitting up shakily, the Commander was happy to be lucid, despite that meaning every ache, bruise and freshly healed bullet wound could be felt. Though the pain killers had certainly been welcome over the past few days, the haze that blanketed the mind was not. Shepard was certain almost everyone on the Normandy had come to visit at some point or another, and that fact wasn't particularly thrilling after the initial warmth. Doped up, half naked and useless wasn't exactly a position the Commander wanted others to see...it sort of ruined the hardass reputation that took a few years to build up. Getting out of bed slowly, the Spectre was pleased at the doctor's work; not much hurt after being shot at and almost blown away by the Normandy, and that was a fair cry better than when the shore team had returned a few days ago from the easy mineral survey.

Shepard pulled on the standard issue wear that sat neat and folded by the med bay bed, pissed off that the crew had to even bother with crap like searching for minerals and relics. Spectre status was starting to seem like a generally thankless volunteer position; it was far from well paying, that was for sure. Documenting mineral, element and gas deposits for the Alliance was about the only income keeping the Normandy and her crew in the air and on Saren's trail. The Council failed to mention the drop in salary to the Commander, and Shepard had kept that information from the rest of the crew. No need to concern them, but likely they would've been just as pissed at the Council. Shepard imagined that being a Spectre meant being imaginative as to where funding came from, which was most certainly manageable, but it would have been bloody nice to know about the salary cut to zero beforehand. It was amusing to think how many Spectre wannabes would drop out of the game knowing how much they'd be paid, or how much they wouldn't, for being 'the Galaxy's first and last line of defense'. Expendable, was what Shepard was starting to think.

And after the whole Geth ambush business, they hadn't backtracked to actually survey the damn ore deposit. Well that would need to be rectified, Shepard thought, heading for the door. The location and size of the deposit showing up on the Mako's radar indicated it was likely iridium...that would bring in quite the pay cheque.

Glancing around quickly, the Commander wondered where the doctor was, usually she never strayed from the med bay, but didn't dwell on it long since this was an opportunity to escape. Slipping out in to the mess, Shepard was surprised at the general lack of crew. The mess was never empty, and Lieutenant Alenko was usually working on the terminals by the CO's quarters. Now, however, there was no one. Shepard certainly didn't mind, and quickly settled at the empty table with a small meal and a strong black coffee. Feeling much better from the caffeine than any pain suppressant, the Commander was prepared to head back to Xawin and do the easy survey mission.

Climbing the stairs to the CIC deck, Shepard was a little concerned to find it also bare of crew members, save for Pressly at his usual station.

"Nav," the Commander said by way of greeting, a little amused at how the man jumped. "Where the hell is everyone?"

"Oh, Commander. Glad to see you're okay," Pressly offered weakly, obviously embarrassed by his surprise. "Uh, well, it's three in the a.m and we are docked at the Citadel, so I imagine most of the crew are catching up on much needed rest while they can."

Shepard frowned. "Well I want to head back to Xawin; still have to survey that deposit."

The XO looked suitably dismayed. "With all due respect, Commander, are you sure that's wise? You've been in the med bay for almost 72 hours. I imagine you still need to rest."

The Spectre didn't do it often, but was prepared to throw around the authority that came with the position. "I appreciate the concern, Pressly, but are you questioning my judgement? The survey won't take long. Is Joker on the bridge?"

"No, of course- uh, yes, Commander, Lieutenant Moreau-"

"Relieved, XO, since I'm back on deck."

"Commander!" Pressly saluted even as Shepard strode toward the Normandy's bridge.

As expected Joker was indeed still in the cockpit, watching what appeared to be, to Shepard, asari porn. Silently the Commander leaned on the back of the pilot's chair, watching the holovid with only slight interest.

"I didn't know you were in to that sort of thing."

Even before Shepard had finished speaking, Joker had practically jumped a foot from his chair and fumbled to turn off the vid.

"Fuck, Commander!" the pilot glared, hardly contrite. "Good to see you up and about, though not so much the sneaking."

Shepard grinned suddenly, pleased. "How about you set a course back to Xawin, and I forget what I just caught you doing."

Joker scowled, not impressed he'd been so skilfully manipulated. "Yeah, yeah- wait, Xawin? Where you were nearly only a bloody smear on the ground?"

"That's the place! Still got to document that deposit."

"You're fucking insane, Commander," but the pilot leaned forward obediently.

X X X X X

Kaidan woke to an incessant tapping on his sleeper pod. Instantly awake and annoyed, he pushed open his door.

"What, goddamn, what?"

He was dismayed to stare back at his Commanding Officer, who appeared rather amused if that smile was anything to go by.

"Uh, sorry, Commander," Kaidan managed, his stomach twisting both pleasantly and not.

Shepard cocked a brow, grin still in place. "Not a morning person, lieutenant?"

"I guess not."

"Suit up, Alenko," the Commander said, walking away.

Kaidan stepped out of his pod quickly, following his CO to their lockers. "Is that really- why are we- shouldn't you be- with all due respect, Commander-"

Shepard darted a sort of annoyed glance at him, waving a hand impatiently. "I already copped that from Pressly. I'm fine. And we're just surveying anyway."

"And Doctor Chakwas is okay with this?"

Kaidan was even more unconvinced when Shepard mumbled something. He stared, pulse quickening slightly at the Commander's suitably sheepish expression.

"Alright, lieutenant!" Shepard suddenly snapped, though not with venom, clearly not happy at being caught out. "Let's just hurry up before the good doctor wakes and finds me wandering around. She has this way of making me do what she says which is really inconvenient."

Kaidan chuckled. "Kind of like you, huh?"

The Commander looked at him sideways, expression unreadable. "Hmm. Be at the Mako in twenty."

X X X X X

Ashley arrived at the Mako, happy she wasn't the only one the Commander had kicked out of sleep.

"Hey, LT," she greeted, still adjusting the pistol at her hip. "Commander wake you up for shore party service too, huh?"

Alenko's lips tilted with a slight smile but faded quickly, obviously concerned. Before he could say anything, however, Shepard was by their side and climbing in to the vehicle, urging them to hurry up. Within moments Joker was dropping them almost in the exact place he had the first time, and Ashley braced herself for the the landing that was always unpleasant. As the Commander checked the map and sped the Mako toward their destination, the chief couldn't help but share the lieutenant's concern. Shepard had nearly died, she knew that because she had bloody well seen it, and now less than a week later they were back on the same planet and the CO was acting like nothing had happened. She supposed a quick chat with Near Death was part of the job, but to just jump right back in to it... Ashley shook her head, confused, worried and a touch angry. Hadn't it sunk in to the Commander's brain that they were pretty much the only obstacle between the Galaxy and absolute annihilation? What the hell was the Galaxy going to do if they were killed surveying a pile of rocks for the Alliance? Why the hell, thought Ashley with sudden clarity, were they even doing something so pointless? Something a bunch of scientists ought to be doing? They needed to be investigating what happened on Virmire and tracking down Saren, not jumping from system to system looking at ore.

"There it is," the Commander said suddenly, apparently not bothered by the unusual quiet of the squad.

Pulling the Mako to a stop quickly, Shepard leapt out of the vehicle. "Won't take long."

Ashley watched through the window as Shepard carefully chipped off a piece of the deposit, sealing it in a small container.

"I can't believe the doctor is fine with this," she grumbled, turning to the lieutenant.

Alenko huffed, darting a quick glance back at her. "Doctor Chakwas doesn't know."

Ashley inhaled sharply, thinking of how the medic was going to react. "She's going to be royally pissed."

"Do you think we'll get lectured for coming with?" she added, gaze settling back on their CO busy documenting the deposit.

"Hardly. If anyone does it'll be Joker. Why the hell he agreed to come back here is beyond me."

Ashley frowned, that was puzzling considering.

"Why the fuck are we out here doing this survey crap anyway?" she griped instead. "This is shit a group of scientists should be doing, not soldiers and a Spectre!"

Alenko sighed. "I hear you."

They both fell quiet as Shepard climbed back in to the Mako, looking at the two of them curiously. Any questions the Commander may have had about their out of the ordinary silence was forgotten when the Mako's comm flashed.

"Hey, Commander?"

"Go ahead Joker," Shepard replied, directing the vehicle back to the drop point.

"Don't want to hurry you or anything, but you ready for pick up?"

"That's a yes. Pick up at the drop point."

"Sure thing, Commander. Head's up, though," Joker's voice dropped lower conspiratorially. "Doctor's waiting for you and she ain't pleased."

"Huh, imagine that," Ashley grumbled, not quite under her breath.

X X X X X

Shepard sat at the mess table, arms crossed and expression undeniably a little petulant. Kaidan laughed, pulling up a chair beside his CO.

"Don't tell me the doctor has finally finished with you, Commander?" the lieutenant couldn't stop the grin that leaked out. "Ashley says she could hear Doctor Chakwas from below deck."

Shepard's brow creased, mouth curving slightly. "I should have her court-martialled for- for- something. Disrespect to a superior officer! Insubordination!"

"Ah, she's just doing her job," Kaidan was mostly certain the Commander wasn't serious. "And with all due respect-"

Shepard's slight smile evapourated, and Alenko wasn't entirely sure he wanted to finish what he was saying. So he didn't. Instead the lieutenant shrugged and looked away, irritated at himself and somewhat annoyed at the Commander. Didn't Shepard know that everyone was just concerned? Nearly dying at every corner tended to do that.

Shepard sighed, leaning forward over the mess table and pinning Kaidan with an intense stare. "Speak frankly Alenko, off the record and all that, but none of this 'with all due respect' crap. Don't you think I get enough of that?"

Kaidan glanced at his CO, but began speaking before he could change his mind.

"Commander, I'm just concerned- we all are," he quickly amended, before continuing. "We need to find Saren and the Conduit, but we keep stopping at nearly every system along the way, doing the hard work for the brass and, well, don't you think we're wasting time? As well, this last time you were seriously injured."

Kaidan's heart thumped in his ears as Shepard just stared at him. Had he stepped over the line? Eventually the Commander stood slowly, still looking at him with that unreadable expression.

"I...see. You're worried about...the mission. I suppose I should have realised," Shepard looked away. "Dying is rather counter-productive to saving life as we know it, right?"

"Well, yes, Commander..." the lieutenant couldn't quite put his finger on why this conversation was going downhill so fast. "But-"

And then the Commanding Officer was walking away. "Don't worry, lieutenant, I'll try not to die until after the Galaxy is safe."

Fuck, Kaidan thought, and he was suddenly on his feet hurrying to set the record straight. He reached out and spun the Commander to face him again, idly wondering if he'd ever touched Shepard before.

"That's not what I'm worried about. I mean yes, the mission is important and who the hell on the Normandy isn't worried about whether we will succeed, but I'm..." here Kaidan lost his momentum and couldn't quite say what he wanted. "W-well do you really need to be risking your life unnecessarily, Commander?"

Shepard was looking at him differently. "Unnecessarily?"

Alenko blinked, unsure of the change in topic. "Xawin, for example. Did we really need to stop here?"

"I needed to survey the-"

"Why though, Commander?" the lieutenant interrupted, forgetting protocol for a moment as he tried to understand. "The Alliance can send out a team of geologists-"

"Oh sure, lieutenant," the Commander's eyes narrowed. "And what would have happened when a team of scientists picked up the distress signal after landing and walked right in to the Geth ambush? A squad of soldiers had enough trouble!"

Kaidan snapped, his faces inches from his CO's. "You know damn well the brass doesn't send out survey teams without a marine escort!"

"And you, lieutenant, know damn well that a few unprepared marines wouldn't have been enough either!"

Kaidan heard the emphasis on his rank, a clear warning that he heeded somewhat. He backed away a step, taking a breath before speaking much more calmly.

"That's...not the issue, Commander," he said, eyes not quite meeting his superior's glare. "Why, is what I'm asking."

Shepard sighed, anger obviously dissipating as well. "Look, I hear you. It's- surveying minerals all over the place- it's not something I was expecting to need to do."

"Need?" Kaidan echoed, confused.

Shepard glanced around the mess. The lieutenant followed suit, a little embarrassed that their yelling had likely cleared the room and kept anyone from venturing in.

The Commander's voice dropped low. "No need to repeat what I'm about to tell you to anyone else."

Alenko nodded fast, heart beats too close together once more as he realised he was about to be trusted with classified information.

"Being a Spectre, well," Shepard hesitated slightly. "It doesn't pay as well as one might think."

Kaidan's brows shot up. "What?"

His CO chuckled shortly at his reaction. "It's apparently volunteer work, if you catch my meaning."

"Are you serious?"

Shepard laughed outright, making Kaidan grin. "What, you don't remember the Council's speech?" Here the Commander turned exaggeratedly serious. "Spectres are an ideal, a symbol. The embodiment of courage, determination and...self-reliance."

"My god, that sneaky goddamn Council," the lieutenant shook his head in disbelief, sobering quickly. "So...all the mineral surveying..?"

"Best way to make legit and fast credits; safest way too...well, usually."

Kaidan had to look away from the Commander's self-depreciating grin; it was doing terrible things to his insides.

"So now you know I'm horrendously poor after I fuel up the Normandy and outfit the shore party," Shepard shrugged lightly. "Maybe I shouldn't have kept it quiet, but I didn't want to concern the crew, and it's a little embarrassing."

The lieutenant thought of the HMWP pistol upgraded with the best mods around and top of the line Collosus armour that were safely stored in his locker, and not for the first time wondered exactly how much they had dented the Commander's pocket. It hadn't bothered him so much when he had thought it was purchased with an obscenely monstrous salary, but now he knew that wasn't the case. Kaidan began to wonder what else he might be taking for granted about the Commander, what else was he assuming? He was shamed that he had questioned Shepard's actions; he should have known there would be a reason. Shepard didn't just do things for the hell of it. Kaidan was annoyed at himself. He should've trusted.

"Sorry, Commander," the lieutenant offered sincerely. "I should have known that you weren't planet-hopping for no reason. It wasn't my place to question you."

He wasn't expecting Shepard to frown at that. "Kidding, right? I don't want people following me around blindly. By all means, Kaidan, question my every move. It might piss me off sometimes, but at least I know you've got the brains and balls to do it. And I want to know that my crew is behind me."

Kaidan flushed slightly at the use of his first name, hoping like hell the heat in his face wasn't noticeable.

"The crew's behind you one hundred percent, Commander!" he said with a salute, unable to hide his grin even through his discomfort.

"That means a lot to me, lieutenant," Shepard smiled again, and wasn't that happening an awful lot Kaidan thought as his stomach responded. "Could you tell Joker to head for Virmire? I'm going to go rest before the doctor rips in to me again."

"Of course," but the lieutenant was confused when the Commander only stood and stared at him. "Uh, Commander, anything else?"

"Well, yes, actually," Shepard leaned forward slightly, sending Kaidan's heart on a mission to burst from his chest. "While I certainly don't mind, I really do need you to let go now."

Alenko was puzzled by the statement, until he felt his CO squeeze his forearm, and he looked down between them. He was quickly filled with a lot of emotions but dread and embarrassment were most definitely top of the list. It took perhaps a few moments longer than it ought to have for Kaidan to release the firm grip he'd apparently had on the other's forearm throughout almost their entire conversation.

"Uhm-"

"We'll talk more later, lieutenant."

X X X X X

It wasn't until that evening that Alenko let Shepard's words run through his embarrassed mind once more.

"While I certainly don't mind..."

Kaidan's eyes jerked open from his feigned sleep. Did Shepard mean..? Of course not. There was no way.

"While I certainly don't mind..."

He shook his head before the hope could settle, though it was a little late for that in all honesty.

"While I certainly don't mind..."

No, no, no. Kaidan had been dealing with the unacceptable attraction well enough. Shepard was his Commanding Officer. Completely out of bounds. Not...touchable.

"By all means, Kaidan, question my every move."

It...wouldn't hurt to question this, the lieutenant thought. If he was out of line, Shepard would say so. The Commander didn't do things by halves or for no reason. This line of thought found Kaidan outside the captain's quarters close to midnight. On the verge of knocking, he lost his courage completely. This was a bad idea. He could lose his rank, his place on the ship, his job, his career. Was this worth that? Though he didn't have time for any further internal dialogue as the door to the Commander's private quarters whooshed open.

"Kaidan?" Shepard paused, obviously taken off guard at the lieutenant's presence.

Kaidan tried to ignore the use of his first name for the second time, but was still unable to think up a good excuse for loitering around the captain's office at this hour. But the Commander leaned against the door frame and smirked.

"You know, when I said we'd talk later, I didn't really mean this late."

"I'm not-" Alenko cut himself off; he didn't know what the hell he was thinking.

He wasn't there to talk, but yes he was. He didn't think he should be there, but here he was. He didn't know why he was there, but yes he did. Something must have shown on his face.

"Something you need to talk about, lieutenant?"

"Yes. I..."

Kaidan couldn't say it. Where to start? What to say? So I'm interested in you, Commander. More interested than I ought to be. I know that's completely against regulations but whatever. Yeah right, he told himself morosely. This was pointless.

"Sorry, Commander," he said instead, taking a step back. "Just passing by. Didn't mean to-"

Shepard stepped forward and was suddenly in his personal space. Much too close for comfort. Or not close enough, depending which way Kaidan looked at it. Either way, he wouldn't have been surprised if the crew down in Engineering could hear the rhythm his heart was beating against his ribs.

"I'm a Spectre," Shepard hesitated, not quite looking him in the eye. "Alliance regs don't apply to me, I say."

"You say?" Kaidan managed, still thrown by the other's proximity.

"Well...what do you say?"

Alenko tried to think properly. What was Shepard trying to ask? A bubble of hope was back, and damn if Kaidan couldn't ignore it.

"I...can see your point of view," he replied carefully; he needed a way out, just in case.

"I'm not on their payroll any more."

"No."

Shepard was silent a moment, and the lieutenant was beginning to get the feeling that perhaps he wasn't the only one who was unsure; wasn't the only one who couldn't quite get something certain to go on and wasn't quite willing to put it out there, just in case it was all hope and not real.

Shepard stepped closer again and sighed, a burst of warm air against Kaidan's mouth that was a pleasurable torture.

"Am I reading this wrong, Alenko? I thought-"

The lieutenant closed the small gap. He didn't need to hear any more. One of Shepard's hands was immediately at his jaw, guiding him closer still, and the other at his hip, just resting there. The kiss was softer than Kaidan was expecting, sending his heart pounding more than he was expecting and was just...more than he expected from the Commander. Far from being a bad thing, of course, he easily decided as their lips parted.

"Shepard, I-"

The Commander chuckled softly, interrupting, "You...don't know my name, do you, Kaidan?"

The lieutenant ducked his head slightly as he laughed as well. "I'm afraid you've got me there."

"...It's Kel."

How...normal, Kaidan thought as he leaned forward and kissed Kel again. So normal for such an extraordinary man.

I have always wanted to try writing a fic where the question of whether the PC was male or female wasn't answered immediately. I have never been able to achieve it with Revan, so I gave Shepard a go. I feel like there could be more to this, ie after Virmire and the destruction of Sovereign, but I'm actually lucky I even finished what I've got here :P