Chapter 29
How to Survive

Sirius let himself into the North Tower apartment Dumbledore had arranged for him. No Auror followed him back to Hogwarts this time. No one was stationed outside the door. No one watched his comings and goings. He was alone.

The sun was setting outside the window. There was a fire crackling in the grate merrily. A tray was set on a small table next to a comfortable looking armchair. From the covered plate, Sirius could smell what he suspected was a good Beef Wellington waiting for him—he remembered that smell from his school days. A decanter of wine and two empty glasses also sat on the tray. He made his way over to it, vaguely wondering why they would give him two glasses. He was, after all, alone. It was silent in the room but for the crackle of the fire.

Strange. He had been alone for so long before. Then somehow one day of being back under lock and key, back to being escorted everywhere as a prisoner… Sirius felt his hands shaking as he unstoppered the decanter and a splash of wine escaped as he struggled to cease the trembling long enough to pour himself a glass. The drip of wine running down his hand reminded him of blood.

He could not go back. He took a gulp of the wine hoping it would cease the quivering of his hands. It didn't.

But he would not go back. Just like that. That's what they had said, wasn't it? After everything. After thirteen years. Full pardon. The words swirled around him, jumbled.

In light of recent evidence…

It has come to our attention that due process was not followed at the time of your arrest…

A great miscarriage of justice…

Exoneration entitles you to compensation for your years served in Azkaban…

Sirius knew the meaning of the individual words. But they were coming together in sentences that his mind could not make sense of. He took another sip of wine, his eyes staring unseeingly at the fire. The wine was not helping the shaking.

His hands felt cold. Numb. He moved to set the glass down on the table—vaguely, he could hear the glass jingling against the surface of the table in time to his shaking. He lifted his hands and looked at them as though he didn't recognise them. They did not feel like his hands. He touched his thumbs to fingertips to try to feel something, but he felt nothing but cold. He looked back to his glass of wine, only to find that it was lying on its side, the wine dripping from it off the edge of the table and onto the rug. He did not remember having knocked it over. His hands curled into fists and he dug his fingernails into his palms and then pressed the fists to his eyes. His fingers extended and flexed over and over in a pulse. They tried to bury themselves into his hair, but he realised his hair was shorn short. He had forgotten that he'd cut it prior to his hearing.

His body was collapsing into itself. It felt heavy. So heavy. He was sure he was sinking through the stone floor. Disappearing.

"Sirius…?"

His eyes were squeezed shut. A voice called from somewhere beyond the void, but he did not know to whom it spoke. Surely it was not to him. He was alone. He pressed his palms to his temples.

"Sirius." The voice was more insistent. Was it mocking him? He had no one. James was gone. Harry was not his. There was no one who needed him and no one he was allowed to need.

"Sirius!" A hand shook his shoulder firmly. Demandingly. "Snap out of it!"

Sirius opened his eyes. The edges of his vision were dark and blurred, but his eyes found another pair looking at him in concern. Sirius was crouched in front of the fireplace, one hand wrapped around his body gripping behind his neck, the other shielding over his head, fingers buried in his hair. He peered out from between his arms. Slowly, Remus's face came into focus. The dark corners of his vision receded as Sirius took deep gulping breaths. Gradually, the shaking stopped. He stared at Remus unblinkingly as if he would fall back into the darkness and drown if he looked away.

Rumus was crouched beside him, his hand bracingly on Sirius's shoulder. He looked at Sirius with concern, but waited patiently. Sirius felt his body beginning to relax as his breathing evened. The heaviness was giving way to light-headedness. One extreme to another, it would seem. He felt dizzy. He squeezed his eyes shut again.

"I'm going to get Madam Pomfrey," came Remus voice, still too far away.

"No!" Sirius heard his own voice say sharply. He wasn't aware of his arm shooting out to grab Remus's, but he felt his hand gripping a wrist before him. "Don't leave me," he ground out. He took a few more deep calming breaths.

At last he blinked open his eyes. It almost hurt. He was so tired. But Remus was still there, looking at him with a disquiet Sirius did not understand.

"Are you alright?" Remus's voice was close now. More tangible. Sirius nodded weakly. "Come on. Let's get you up." Sirius felt Remus's arms support him to his feet and lead him to the armchair. Sirius sank into it and let his head lull back against the high back. He heard Remus pull the wooden chair over from the desk in the corner and sit down next to him. He felt Remus's gaze on him, but he kept his eyes shut and focused on his breathing.

Finally, his eyes flickered open to meet Remus's. The other man was seated on a chair angled towards him. He was leaning forward, his elbows resting on his knees, staring intently into Sirius's face.

"Sorry," Sirius mumbled. "Got lost. But I'm back now, I think." Remus nodded as though this made perfect sense. Did it? Maybe it did.

After a moment, Remus straightened. He righted the toppled wine glass and filled it and the other with a generous splash of wine. He handed one to Sirius. Both men sipped in silence for a time.

Sirius's head was still spinning. There was a throbbing in his temple. Sirius reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose.

Remus's eyes went to the plate on the tray. Then back to Sirius. "When was the last time you ate something?" he asked.

Sirius thought about this. He couldn't remember. "Dunno. A couple days maybe?"

Remus contemplated him for another moment, then moved to the tray. Sirius watched him as he uncovered the plate and picked up the knife and fork. He proceeded to cut the Wellington into bite-sized pieces on the table. Then he picked up the plate and handed it with the fork to Sirius.

"Eat," he said, sternly. "I'll be right back." He headed in the direction of the washroom.

Sirius forked a bite of tender beef and buttery pastry and deposited it automatically into his mouth. He chewed slowly and swallowed. And then he realised abruptly that he was famished.

Remus came back as Sirius was shovelling his fourth bite into his mouth. "Here," he said. And he draped a cool damp cloth across the back of Sirius's neck. Instantly, he felt his headache receding.

"Thank you," Sirius managed, through a full mouth. Then he went back to his plate. Remus sat back in the other chair and watched him eating in silence.

Sirius had eaten half the Wellington before he realised his stomach was protesting the rich food. He stared at the plate, wanting more but knowing he shouldn't. Remus seemed to read his mind, for he stood and took the plate from Sirius, and moved the tray to the desk in the corner. Then he came back and sat down.

Still Remus was watching him, saying nothing. What was he doing here anyway? Didn't he know Sirius was alone? Wait… Was he alone? Sirius sighed, frustrated by the confusion in his brain.

"How do you feel?" Remus said at last.

"Better," said Sirius, and he was surprised to find that he meant it. Remus seemed to accept this answer and finally sat back in his chair and stared at the fire instead of at him.

The two men sat in companionable silence for a while, sipping their wine.

"What am I going to do?"

Sirius didn't mean to ask this question aloud. But he heard his own voice speak his thoughts as though from afar.

Remus looked at him but did not speak, waiting patiently for him to elaborate. Well, he'd started. Might as well talk things through aloud now that there was someone to listen. Even if there was no answer to be had to his questions.

"I don't know how… I don't know if I know how to be free. How to not be a convict. How to not be a prisoner." Remus nodded his head in understanding, inviting him to continue. Sirius barrelled on, building momentum with his questions.

"I mean what am I supposed to do? What am I fit to do? Where am I supposed to go? I have nowhere and no one. Everything I cared about before Azkaban is gone. Lily and James are dead. The war is over. The Order disbanded. I have no family.

"My mother died a couple years ago, I hear. I'm the last of the Blacks, so that leaves me her house. But I haven't been there since I was sixteen, and I hated it then, why would now be any better?"

"Don't go back to your mother's house," Remus surprised Sirius by stating a strong opinion rather than his usual listen and let Sirius come up with his own answers technique. He looked away from the fire and at Sirius directly, then shrugged. "I was there. Two months ago. It's a tomb. A dark and dusty wreck and basically a temple to the dark arts. Not suitable for anyone to live in, let alone someone attempting to make a new start.

"Why were you there," Sirius asked, confused.

"I was looking for you and—" Remus broke off, and swallowed hard, a look of pain on his face.

"You were looking for Harry," Sirius finished for him softly. Remus went back to contemplating the fire. The flickering light threw shadows over his face, only drawing out the agony that Remus was trying to bury.

The silence stretched between them, and this time it did not feel so companionable. After a long moment, Sirius let out a sigh and buried his face in his hands.

"I'm sorry," he said from behind his fingers, his voice muffled.

"What?" said Remus, looking back at him as though startled from his own dark thoughts.

"I'm sorry," Sirius repeated. And then the floodgate opened before he could stop it. "I'm so sorry, Remus. I should never have gone there. Never have taken him from you. I get it now. I know I'm still a mess, but I am trying. And I am getting better. I swear I am. I can see now how wrong I was. It seemed to make sense then, but now I look back, I see how crazy it all was… I can't explain to you what my brain was thinking then… but I am getting better. I promise, I am. And I'm just so sorry. To you, to Harry. To everyone…"

Sirius's mouth had run ahead of his brain and he wasn't sure if the words coming out were coherent. He did not expect absolution. It was too much to expect the Ministry to have pardoned him today, much less a second and more important pardon from his former friend. But he needed Remus to hear it. All of it.

But Remus cut him off with words Sirius never expected to hear from him. "Sirius, I forgive you."

Sirius spluttered to a halt. "I… what…? Why…?"

Remus sighed. "Hating you all of these years has taken a lot of work. And I'm tired of it."

They were silent for a while as Sirius let this sink in. He stared at his entwined hands in his lap, utterly at a loss. Then, as if he wasn't confused enough, Remus said the next most shocking thing of the day. "Come stay with me." Sirius had no response but to stare at him uncomprehending. "Come live at my home in Sussex," Remus elaborated. "Until you get back on your feet. I'm leaving my position here at Hogwarts—I also have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. So let's figure it out together."

A small flame flickered on tentatively in Sirius's chest. So foreign was the feeling, it took him a moment to recognize what it was. Hope. He sat a little straighter and could not stop his face from breaking into a grateful smile.

But as fast as the candle was lit, a gust came along to blow it out. "I can't," he said, slumping down in his chair dejectedly, the smile slipping from his face.

"Why?" said Remus.

"Harry," replied Sirius. "It'll be summer hols soon. And he's a trigger for me—Merlin, why does he have to look so much like James? I don't want to revert. Hurt him again. And I'm sure he wants nothing to do with me." Abruptly, Sirius saw the look of devastation on Remus's face before he managed to wipe it blank.

"Harry won't be coming back to live with me. It'll just be me."

"I… what? I thought..."

"My guardianship has been revoked."

Sirius looked at him in horror. "Because of what happened last night?"

Remus sighed and Sirius noted the deep lines of his face and shadows under his eyes. "It's for the best. I could have killed him last night."

"But surely there are precautions that could be taken to ensure he's nowhere near you during the full moon. How did you manage it all those years while he was growing up with you?"

Remus gave Sirius a quizzical look. "Harry didn't grow up with me. I've only known him for six months. I thought you knew."

"What? But I thought you raised him. Where did he grow up then?" Sirius did not understand the look Remus was giving him at all.

"The Dursleys. Lily's sister and her family."

"The Muggles?" Sirius scoffed. "Bet they didn't know what hit them. Well, I guess they must have done something right, because he's one hell of a kid, isn't he? How'd he come to be with you this year?"

Then Sirius stopped. He had looked over at Remus with the last question, and he was shocked by the pure unadulterated fury in his face. "They did nothing right," Remus ground out through clenched teeth. "They're lower than the lowest scum of the Earth. They beat him, locked him in a cupboard, barely fed him. His uncle would lash him to within an inch of his life every time he did even the smallest bit of accidental magic. Harry doesn't talk about it, but you should see the scars on his back."

Sirius was dimly aware his jaw was hanging open.

"Harry escaped when he was ten years old. Ran away and lived on his own on the streets in London. We only just found him again last December. Dumbledore was named as his official custodian, and he allowed Harry to stay with me and for me to help mentor him and reintroduce him to the wizarding world."

Abruptly, Sirius realised he was pacing furiously back and forth before the fire. He wasn't aware he had even risen from his armchair. "Where are the Dursleys now?"

"Right where Harry left them," Remus sighed and ran fingers through his greying hair. "He refuses to come forward against them and says he doesn't want any retribution. I swore to him, I wouldn't act against them."

"You may have. But I didn't." A muscle was twitching in Sirius's jaw and his fingernails were biting into his palms as he paused his pacing and stared murderously toward the door.

"Please, Sirius. You only just got acquitted of murder. Let's not go doing anything to land yourself back in Azkaban." He sighed again, slumping in his chair. "I don't even know why I told you all this. I never should have broken Harry's confidence. He would be furious if he knew I'd told you." He looked back toward the fire and Sirius had the distinct impression he really wasn't seeing it at all. "I suppose it's all a moot point now anyway."

"How's that?" Sirius flopped back down in his chair disgruntledly.

"They're sending him off to live with some Ministry employee. They'll be making sure he never comes near the likes of us ever again anyway."

"A Ministry member?!"

"I know. But Dumbledore assures me that we got very lucky. I guess they managed to get someone he trusts. Arthur Weasley. Dumbledore says he and his wife are good people."

"Uh huh. And what did he have to say when they sent Harry off to live with the Muggles?"

To this, Remus had no answer. He dropped his head miserably into his hands, elbows braced on his knees. Sirius regretted the sting.

It wasn't fair. Sirius had nothing against Dumbledore, really. He was sure he had acted as he had thought best for everyone at the time. But the man wasn't infallible. He wasn't God! He could make mistakes. He had made a mistake when he left Harry with the Dursleys. Still, that wasn't Remus's fault. But what if this too was a mistake? Could they stand aside and let it happen all over again?

Dumbledore had spoken to Sirius right before his hearing earlier that day. The conversation had left Sirius utterly confused. Sirius had asked after Harry, and Dumbledore had assured Sirius that he was not hurt after the previous night's escapades. And for some reason, Dumbledore had gone on to remind him that Lily and James had named him as Harry's godfather and guardian should anything happen to them. Why in Merlin's name he would have said this now? After thirteen years? Like Sirius could care for an emotionally scarred teenager when he couldn't even care for himself. But Remus, on the other hand…

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. But Remus… Harry's yours. I've seen you two together. Listened to him talk about you. He's as much your son as if he was your own flesh and blood. We can't just let them send him away!"

"It's done, Sirius." Remus's voice was wary and resigned.

Remus looked old. And beaten down. It was infuriating. "How can you be so calm about this?"

"Let it go, Sirius."

"We should be getting ready to storm the Ministry if that's what it takes to bring him home!"

"Sirius..."

"Do you not even care? Why are you so willing to sit back and do nothing? Why won't you fight it?"

"BECAUSE I DON'T DESERVE HIM!"

The retort came like a slap to the face. It hung in the air and echoed in the silence that followed.

Remus's face was ashen with misery. "I lost him, Sirius." He whispered the words, a stark contrast to his previous exclamation. "They're taking him away, and it's right that they do so. I had my chance, and I failed. I'm not going to fight it, because no matter where he ends up, he'll be better off than he would have been with me."

Sirius sat there stunned. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He stared into the despondent face before him, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to hug him or grab him by the shoulders and shake him. None of this made sense. Was it because his mind was still in a fog or was the world really as backwards as it seemed.

"You can't believe that," he said at last. "I don't believe it. And I can't believe Harry does either."

"He's better off without me," Remus repeated.

"Have you asked him?"

"Who?

"What do you mean, 'who'? Harry! Have you asked Harry what he thinks about all this?"

Remus's silence was answer enough.

"Well, I think you should ask him," Sirius said, stubbornly. But he stood and poured a second helping of wine into both of their glasses and sat back to contemplate the fire some more.

"I was arrested during a war against dark magic and murder and genocide. And somehow life made more sense before I went to prison than it does now that I've escaped it. Why is that?"

"It is strange, but I agree those were simpler times in their way," replied Remus. He took another sip of his wine.

After another long moment, Sirius said, "If the offer still stands, I would like to accept. Coming to live with you for a while, I mean."

Remus looked over at him, his face blank and unreadable. Then he nodded once, and turned away again.

And the two men sat staring into the fire for quite some time after. No more words were spoken. What was there to say, after all?

"Mischief managed," Harry said softly, and the map went blank. Slightly out of breath from climbing the spiral staircase up, Harry stepped out into the brisk night air on the top of North Tower, shoving the map back into his pocket. He had never been up here before. He looked around curiously. It offered a magnificent view of the surrounding mountains and lake all lit by the light of the waning gibbous moon.

Standing by the ramparts was Sirius, just as the Map had told him he would be. Sirius was gazing up into the sky, entranced. Harry followed his gaze. The stars did look glorious. There was so little light pollution here. How had Harry never noticed that? You would never see stars like that in London. There were more stars out here than Harry had even known existed.

Sirius turned as he heard Harry's foot steps behind him.

"Harry! What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you." Still Harry couldn't take his eyes away from the bright shine of the stars. "They really are beautiful, aren't they?"

"All the more beautiful today," Sirius replied. "I've been out of Azkaban for some time, now, but this is the first night I get to look up and really appreciate them as a free man."

Harry lowered his gaze to look at the man before him. He was painfully thin, the bones of his face casting sharp shadows on his cheeks. But he was clean shaven now and someone had cut his hair short, albeit quite badly.

"You've been exonerated then?"

"Yup. It's official. I'm a free man. Whatever the hell that means…"

"What are you going to do now?" asked Harry.

"Who knows. Figure out how to survive. Isn't that what we're all doing?" He finally looked away from the night sky to meet Harry's gaze. "Remus has offered to have me to stay for a while. While I get back on my feet."

Harry wasn't quite sure why those words stung so much. So Remus had time to go and be all chummy with Sirius and he couldn't even stop by the Hospital Wing to see that Harry wasn't hurt?

"Pretty sure he wishes it was you coming home with him, mind," said Sirius, as though reading Harry's mind.

"No," said Harry bitterly. "I've destroyed his life quite enough."

"Destroyed his life? Harry, you gave him a life!" At Harry's dubious look, Sirius rushed to continue. "Harry, I spoke to him just a little bit ago. You were all he could talk about. He told me all about you. About how much it has meant to him to have you staying with him these past few months. About how strong you are. How much you've overcome. About how much he regrets not being there for you when you were little. Believe me, every decision he has made over the past six months has been with you in mind."

"Fat lot of good they did him," Harry said. He felt a prickling at his eyes, but refused to let the tears drop. He went back to contemplating the stars, resting his elbows on the ramparts and his chin on his fists. They were silent for a few moments, both gazing into the heavens, wishing the world was different.

"I regret it too, you know," said Sirius softly after some time.

"Regret what?"

"Not being there for you when you were little." Sirius looked at Harry dolefully. "I should have been, you know. Your parents named me your guardian in their will. You should never have been left with those horrible Muggles. If I hadn't gone after Peter… If I had just looked after you like I should have…"

Harry stared at him. Sirius, had been his intended guardian. In an alternate reality, Harry could have grown up with this man. He could have woken to the smell of birthday breakfast being made just for him. Had Christmas presents under a tree every year. Learned to ride a broomstick with Sirius running along beside him. He could have been loved.

Harry couldn't picture it. It didn't fit.

The two were silent for a while, contemplating the night sky. "How did you find me up here, anyway," asked Sirius after a time.

Well, I suppose there's no reason to keep it secret from Sirius. Harry pulled out the Marauder's Map from his pocket. "It's an enchanted map of Hogwarts," Harry explained, passing it to Sirius.

"Merlin's beard," whispered Sirius, as he took the old piece of parchment. Harry was just reaching for his wand to show Sirius how it worked, but Sirius beat him to it. "I solemnly swear I am up to no good," Sirius whispered barely audibly.

Harry stared at him. "How did you know how to do that?" he asked, stunned.

"How? Why I helped design it. I'm Padfoot!" Harry felt his mouth drop open. "How did you find this? Filch confiscated it when we were just kids. I thought it was destroyed a long time ago."

"The Weasley Twins gave it to me. Not sure where they got it." Harry looked down at the Map, the cogs of his brain turning. "Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and…" he began to read aloud but then trailed off.

"Prongs," Sirius finished after a moment, nodding and running his fingers over the names on the map. Then he barked a laugh. "Remember that time in sixth year when we were late to Professor Slughorn's class because we—" He cut off abruptly. He looked at Harry then, the map held laxly in his hands. Harry met his eyes and saw in them a profound sadness.

Sirius was silent for a long moment, looking at Harry. Then, "You look just like him, you know? Your Dad. Prongs. I still get… confused sometimes… I'm trying to… but everything gets jumbled."

Harry found he couldn't meet Sirius's eye. He felt strangely cowardly for turning away from him. "It'll get better. I'm sure it will. And Remus will help you. He's good at that sort of thing." No. He couldn't imagine growing up with this man. But maybe it was because the man who was before him was not the man he would have been, had things been different. He had been broken, just as Harry had been broken. And just like Harry, he was struggling to put the pieces back together. Struggling to 'figure out how to survive,' wasn't that how Sirius had put it?

"Yes," said Sirius. Harry still felt his eyes on him, but he refused to look around. "Remus is good at that sort of thing."

The silence stretched longer this time.

"I should go," said Harry at last into the silence.

"Yeah," said Sirius. "Wouldn't want you getting into trouble for being out past curfew."

Harry looked at him. "Right," he replied. He didn't correct him. That wasn't really what he had meant.

"Listen, can you give this to him?" Harry pulled out a letter from his pocket and held it out to Sirius. He didn't have to say to whom he meant. They both knew. "He's leaving tomorrow. I don't know if he means to come say goodbye or not… He's probably pretty angry at me. I'm not much good at goodbyes anyway. This seemed easier for both of us. Anyway. Can you give it to him?"

Sirius slowly reached out and took the letter from Harry. He stared down on it with a sorrowful expression.

When Sirius didn't say anything, Harry simply said, "Well. See you around."

He turned to go, but he only made if a few steps before Sirius called him back. He turned to look back.

Sirius gestured with the Map in his hand and moved to pass it back to Harry. "Don't forget this."

"Oh, right. Thanks." Harry reached out for the Map.

"You're wrong, you know," Sirius went on. Harry paused, both of them holding one half of the Map between them. "Remus isn't staying away because he's angry. Well, not angry at you, anyway," he clarified. "He's plenty angry at himself. But mostly he's just staying away because he thinks it's what's best for you. He's trying to protect you. He loves you, you know?"

Harry stared back at him for a long moment. He thought of the patronus he had cast down by the lake last night.

"I know," he said at last. "Goodbye, Sirius. I hope you find it." He turned to go.

"Find what?" Sirius called after him.

"How to survive."

And with that Harry made his way down the stone steps to the base of the tower.

A strange quiet filed his mind as he moved through the dark and empty corridors. When the barest tickle of doubt scratched for entry into his mind, he pushed it aside. This was the right thing to do.

He turned the corner to find the alcove where he had first met the Weasley Twins. He reached under the bench and pulled out the rucksack he had hidden there earlier and slung it over his shoulder.

A quick glance down the hall in both directions assured him he was alone and he pulled out the Map. Sirius had not wiped it before handing it back to him. Harry could not help his eyes from straying to Remus's office where he saw a small dot pacing back and forth. He shoved the feeling of doubt and guilt aside harder, and studied instead the route he needed to take.

And then he was purposefully pushing the tapestry aside to duck into the secret passage behind and heading determinedly in the direction of a statue of a one-eyed witch on the third floor.

A/N: Hope you're all safe and healthy and staying inside reading fanfiction like good introverts rather than out socializing. I give you, for your appreciation: Sirius giving himself a COVID-cut, just so you don't feel so alone.

One hole that I have in my story outline is that I don't have good closure for the Dursleys. I feel certain that Harry would not want to be pulled into any kind of legal battle with them or want to take direct retribution. But I'm not above Sirius finding a way to get his vengeance. Anyone got any good ideas of how you would like to see the Dursleys get their comeuppance? Leave me a review or PM with your ideas. I would love to hear them, and some might find their retaliation worked into the ending if it tickles my fancy.