A/N: This is going to be a 3 (possibly 4) chapter thing, light on the plot, with a possible sequel that's filled with less crack. Basically, I thought to myself, 'I want to write a fic where Bowser accidentally becomes the hero of the mushroom kingdom. How might that happen?' The rest followed from there. The background for the fic is a mish-mash of things from the original games, Legend of the Seven Stars, Paper Mario, the gameboy game, and a few others.

- - -

Bowser smiled. It was a beautiful day in the Mushroom Kingdom; the birds were singing their hearts out, the sun was shining in a clear blue sky with just a few picturesque fluffy white clouds… and the Mushroom Kingdom residents were fleeing in terror from his not-inconsiderable wrath!

Yes, it was a good day to be the King. The Koopa King, that is. The Mushroom Kingdom Chancellor was probably having a somewhat less than stellar day.

And yet, as good a day as it was… something was wrong. Missing. He just couldn't quite put his claw tips on it…

Bowser looked around and frowned. He spotted a mushroom in fine velvet robes, and snagged him with one claw, bringing him up to eye-level. "Hey, Chancellor, what gives? You guys were even more of a pushover than usual. And where's the princess's little buddy Toad? He's usually hopping around and vowing the vengeance of Mario right about now."

The Chancellor looked, if anything, even more depressed and mumbled something that sounded like 'All our troubles come at once'. "Oh, Koopa King, you've come at a bad time. The princess and Toad were kidnapped!"

Bowser looked awkward and a little embarrassed. "Oh. Well. I assume Mario is off rescuing her? I could come back. You know, take a raincheck on the invasion and everything."

"No, worse luck," the Chancellor moaned. "Mario and Luigi are off saving Sarasaland from the predations of some other villain! Oh, what shall we do!" He began to blubber.

"What!?" Bowser shouted and dropped the Chancellor, ignoring his cry of 'oh, my hip!' "Mario missing, and the princess stolen? Someone's horning in on my turf!"

He leaped back into his parked Koopa Copter and snapped, "Paratroopas, to me!" His winged Koopas left off menacing the less-than-impressive Mushroom Kingdom guards and leaped to the sky to hover around the floating Koopa Copter. "Which way did they go?"

"West," the Chancellor answered, favoring his side.

The King and his reptilian honor guard flew off into the setting sun.

It didn't take them long before they found some things that looked like big, pogoing animated weapons - swords and spears with eyes - herding Princess Peach and a few Mushroom people along. Bowser grunted, "I hope these aren't more of that poser Smithy's minions." Not worried, of course, Bowser didn't get worried. Just… maybe a little concerned that some people weren't as dead as they should be.

That jerk had taken over his castle two years ago, and Bowser certainly wasn't going to forgive him, even if the really cool equipment he'd left behind after his defeat was helping out his mechanics nowadays. He'd had to team up with the Princess and - ugh - Mario just to oust the squatter from his keep.

Buoyed by angry thoughts of Smithy, Bowser leaped out of his Copter and dropped into the midst of the sentient weapons like a mighty hammer, cracking the ground beneath his clawed feet and knocking everyone in the immediate area off their feet.

He knew that image was everything in the villain game, so even if he was thinking 'Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.' over and over, he managed a menacing sneer and a well-delivered, "And where are you guys going with my princess?"

The swords and spears bounced angrily and narrowed their eyes.

Toad groaned. "Not him again!"

Bowser grinned. "That's right, half-pint. Me again. Me always. You know what? I don't even care where you guys were going anymore. Paratroopas, attack!" His half-dozen Paratroopas had been awaiting his order, and now descended in a flurry of wings and fists.

The animated weapons put up a good fight, but Bowser's unquestioned might turned the tide. The many and varied sharp pointies of the enemies were like paper cuts to his thick hide, and his claws easily turned them into kindling and scrap metal in return. At one point, he grabbed one of the swords and went to town on the others, ignoring his shouts of vengeance and demands to be put down and using him as, well, a weapon. Not that he was a swordsman by any stretch of the imagination - Bowser was a brawler through and through - but he was strong enough to power through any guard the enemies put up, and had a grand old time flailing away at anything that wasn't dressed in pink or a stylish half-shell.

Inside of a minute or two, the Princess and her cohort were free.

Bowser turned to look at Peach and Toad, somewhat at a loss. He wasn't used to being on the rescuing side. They stared at him. He stared back. One of the paratroopas let out a cough into his fist that sounded like 'Awwwkwaaaard…' Eventually, he decided to just treat this as a kidnapping of his own. Then, just like that, he was back in his element.

"Okay, you lot, you're coming with us," he barked authoritatively. "We're taking you back to Mushroom Kingdom, and there's nothing you can do about it!"

Peach blinked. "Well, okay then," she said.

Toad looked uncomfortable, swallowing his pride, before he blurted out, "Thanks, Bowser."

Bowser waved a clawed hand, unconcerned. "Don't worry about it, half-pint. We'll let you guys slide this time, but I'll be back in a week or two to finish up that invasion thing."

His Paratroopas, kidnapping being old hat by now, grasped the Mushroom people by the arms with their clawed feet and took to the sky. He reserved the right to throw the Princess over his shoulder, hop back into his Koopa Copter, and take off. Rank hath its privileges, and all that.

Bowser flew off with a deep "Mwa-hahahaha!"

- - -

When Bowser and the Troopas blew back into town with the Princess and her retinue in tow, the Mushroom people were overjoyed. They poured out into the streets, offering effusive thanks.

His Koopas closed inwards in confusion and disarray, like the Mushrooms came packing fire flowers and armed to the teeth instead of being armed only with well-wishes and thank you's. He couldn't really blame them - things had just gotten weird.

The Chancellor pumped Bowser's hand - a hand that was as big as his head, and could turn him into Mushroom shaped confetti with ease - energetically. "Truly, Bowser, we can't thank you enough."

Bowser grinned, his discomfort fading. "Don't worry, I'll come kidnap her again sometime and we'll call it even."

"Er. Right."