If I owned Death Note, it would have turned into porn a long time ago.

Please excuse this if you find it awkward and disturbing. If you don't, well, remember to clean up after yourself…

"Ryuzaki, I'd like a word with you," Light said as he waltzed into the room. He carried a bundle of fabric.

L turned in his chair, regarding the boy curiously. "Yes?"

"I think you may want this to be private," Light added, as the other members of the Task Force regarded the two of them curiously.

"Of course," L muttered, standing. He slouched lazily as he followed Light out of the room, and down the hall a ways.

"Can you answer me something, Ryuzaki?" Light asked.

"I'll try," L replied, looking mildly interested.

Light dropped the fabric he held open. It was the blanket off of his bed, wrinkled, and possessing a crusted-looking stain in the center.

"How did this get here?" Light asked.

L stared unblinking at the blanket for a moment, looking thoughtful. "Some sort of stain-"

"It's cum, Ryuzaki," Light hissed, "Semen. On my blanket."

L looked mildly curious. "Well, it certainly should be no business of mine why Light-kun has a large stain of semen on his blanket," he replied, "But I believe I'm safe in assuming that it resulted as some sort of sexual act."

"Obviously," Light muttered, frowning, "An act which I did not commit."

"Are you expecting me to believe that you did not leave this mess yourself, while either making love to Misa-Misa, or masturbating?" L asked.

"Of course not!" Light exclaimed angrily, "I wouldn't do such a thing!"

L raised an eyebrow. "You do not masturbate, Light-kun?"

Light looked slightly uneasy as he bunched up the blanket again to avoid eye contact. "Not on my bedspread, at least," he muttered.

L nodded. "I'm sure. You prefer the sanctuary of the shower."

Light rolled his eyes, color hinting in his cheeks. "Regardless of my preference in location for such- actions- I'm still left unanswered about the origin of the particular stain on my blanket."

"I may be able to offer you an answer," L replied, looking bored. Light frowned at his lack of enthusiasm toward the matter.

"Well?" he asked.

"It was I, Light, who left the semen stain on your blanket," L said casually. Light made a sound of disgust, and dropped the blanket to the floor. L continued, "I found myself quite aroused while inspecting your room recently. So instead of wasting time returning to my own quarters, I satisfied myself on your bed. I must admit, having your smell so close to me as I did so made the process much more enjoyable."

Light groaned. "That's disgusting, Ryuzaki."

"I'd say I just paid you a compliment," L replied, shrugging, "It's not often that you learn someone masturbates to your smell- your image-"

Light's eyes widened. L blinked, breaking his own reverie, and regarded him unenthusiastically.

"I'd rather not think about that," Light muttered, looking uneasy once again.

"Wouldn't you?" L asked, frowning, "Because I detect a 73% chance that you are lying, and in fact, find it attractive that I picture you while pleasuring myself. And a 54% chance that you do the same for me."

Light gaped. "I do no such thing!"

"Who, then?" L asked, smirking, "Clearly not Misa-Misa, it's obvious to all but her that you possess no romantic feelings toward the girl. You haven't had contact with other women beside your mother and sister in the past months, and it's highly unlikely that you imagine either of them in such a way. Since this leads me to deduce that you're actually homosexual, I can then make the assumption that it is I who you imagine touching you as you masturbate."

Light opened his mouth to protest, but was unable to find the words. He closed it again, looking defeated.

"What about the stain on my blanket?" he asked.

"I will have Watari wash your blanket if you so choose," L replied, toeing at the heap on the floor.

"Thank you," Light muttered.

"But don't think you've completely avoided the discussion of your sexual habits," L said, "Since you brought about the topic in the first place, I plan on making you see it through."

Light groaned, regretting having not just taken the blanket to the cleaners himself, and forgetting whatever mystery lie behind the stain.

"Although I've observed you on camera on multiple occasions, it seems that you've outwitted me in a certain sense," L said casually, leaning back against the wall, "I have not seen you masturbate on camera."

"So?" Light asked, face slightly pink, "Is that a problem?"

"It is, actually," L said, meeting his eye seriously, "Because I want to."

Light's mouth opened without emitting any sound. He gaped at L for a long moment. L stared back, with an expression of no particular interest.

"I believe this is the part when you offer to come to bed with me, no?" the detective asked. When Light didn't respond but to widen his eyes, L sighed. "Unless, of course, I need to lead you-"

And with that, he grasped Light's hand, and began to tug him toward the stairs with a surprising amount of force.

"Woah!" Light cried, mind instantly cleared by the sudden presence of cold, thin fingers laced between his own. "Not so fast!"

"You wish to protest?" L asked, raising an eyebrow, "I thought if you'd actual had any divergences, you'd have spoken up already."

"Well I'm sorry I'm not following your plan," Light hissed.

"Do you not wish to be made love to by me?" L asked, cocking his head.

Light gaped once more. "As if you'd top me!" he exclaimed.

"Well there's really only one way to find out for sure, isn't there?" L asked with a very uncharacteristically smug expression.

"I- we- and everyone else-" Light stammered.

"I assure you, Light-kun, the rest of the Task Force will hardly miss us while we're gone," L replied. He tugged on the boy's hand impatiently. "Now shall we go?"

Light stiffened for a second, looking between the doorway back to the office, and the greedy black eyes of his potential lover.

"Fine," he sighed, allowing himself to be pulled up the stairs, and down the hall toward L's bedroom…

Besides the half-ass ending, that's, like, the closest I've come to posting a legit lemon- AND I'M STILL NOT DOING IT. Not that I haven't written them (I've done plenty) I just don't like how they turn out. I prefer to read someone else's. Which reminds me to ask you… if you'd be interested in writing a nice, sexy scene to follow this, I'd be much obliged. Just lemme know in a review, so that I can look out for it with eager eyes… Alright, that's all I've got to say. Peace-out, girl scouts.