SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS MEETS DONALD RUMSFELD!
Ooo, the first SpongeBob fic...and it is TOTALLY strange and off-base, but I was really bored. Anyway, disclaimer: SpongeBob does not belong to me, he (and his show) belong to Nickelodeon. Donald Rumsfeld does not belong to me, he is the Secretary of Defense, and as far as I know, does not belong to anyone. Ok, well, here we go!
*Note- 'QC' denotes 'quick cut'...a scene change
(Scene: A beautiful morning in Bikini Bottoms. Everything is quiet and peaceful, until...there is an extraordinarily loud foghorn blast. QC inside SpongeBob's Pineapple House. Sponge's alarm is blasting. Finally, he opens his eyes)
SpongeBob: Ah! Another morning! I love mornings, because that's when I go to...WORK!
(Jumps up out of bed, throwing his arms out in an embracing gesture)
SpongeBob: (suddenly dressed) I love work!
(QC to Squidward's house. Squidward wakes up grumpily)
Squidward: I hate work.
(Back to SpongeBob. It is a few moments later, because this is my world, and I can control time. Our favorite Sponge is skipping merrily to work)
SpongeBob: I can't wait to get to the Krusty Krab! And make Krabby Patties, and serve the customers, and give half my paycheck back to Mr. Krabs so I can work longer!
(Suddenly, Patrick comes running up, waving his arms around and acting frantic.)
SpongeBob: Patrick? What is it?
Patrick: SPONGEBO-O-O-OB!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHIIIIIIIIIIING!!!
(Patrick stops beside SpongeBob, panting and sweating heavily)
SpongeBob: Patrick...what's wrong?
Patrick: I 'pant' have to 'pant, pant, pant' have to 'pant, pant, pant' have to...
SpongeBob: Patrick, breath!
(Pat gets an enlightened...or, as close to enlightened as he can get...look on his face, and takes a huge deep breath of air)
Patrick: (smiling brightly) That's better!
SpongeBob: Good...now, what did you have to tell me?
Patrick: (clueless) What did I have to tell you?
SpongeBob: Yes, what did you have to tell me?
Patrick: (drooling a bit) What did I have to tell you....?
SpongeBob: Pat, you just came running up, screaming that you had to tell me something.
(Pat suddenly gets a remembering look, and a little light bulb goes on over his head. He looks up and sees the light bulb, and his eyes get wide)
Patrick: AHHHHHHHH! (He flails around with his arms, breaking the light bulb.)
SpongeBob: (raising an eyebrow) Uhh...Pat? Are you all right?
Patrick: (suddenly smiling brightly again) Yes! So...going to work?
SpongeBob: (frowning) I thought you had something to tell me?
Patrick: I did?
SpongeBob: (glances at his watch...I know, I don't think he wears one in the show, but, again...this is my world!) Well, I have to get to work. If I'm late, I won't make employee of the month again!
Patrick: Ok.
(SpongeBob waves to Patrick, and walks down the road. Patrick stands there for a few seconds, staring blankly. Suddenly, he starts screaming and waving his arms around again, then takes off down the road)
(QC to the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob walks in and notices Squidward at the counter. Squidward rolls his eyes)
Squidward: Of course...the day wouldn't be complete without
SpongeBob ruining it.
SpongeBob: Hi Squidward! Isn't it a great day for work!
Squidward: (dryly) Yes. Lovely. Get in the kitchen, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: (clicking his heels and saluting sharply) Yes sir! (skips into the Krusty Krab's kitchen)
Squidward: Sometimes I wonder why I even bother trying to stay sane.
(Suddenly, Patrick comes rushing into the Krusty Krab, screaming and flailing about...even more then usual!)
Squidward: I would repeat my previous statement, but what's the point?
Patrick: (running around the Krusty Krab, knocking over tables and the like, generally causing havoc) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
(Mr. Krab's door flies open and he runs out)
Mr. Krabs: What in the name of the Flying Dutchman is goin' on in here!? Patrick me boy, what do you think you're doin'!?
Patrick: (stopping suddenly) Oh, hi Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: (aside to Squidward) I still say he was dropped on his head as a baby
Squidward: No, I think it was the toxic waste dump.
(Flashback to baby Patrick. He's drinking from one of those industrial waste drums with the 'toxic' sign on it. A baby-bottle nipple is stretched over the lib. Baby Patrick puts the drum down and belches little green bubbles that explode)
(Flash back to the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: (regarding Patrick) Is there somethin' you'll be wantin', Patrick? This is a serious business here...we can't have you clownin' around.
(A fish sitting at one of the tables looks up)
Fish: A clown!? Where!
(Suddenly a whole group of fish gather around Patrick)
Mr. Krabs: (flailing around) GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!
(The fish instantly disappear. SpongeBob walks out.)
SpongeBob: (looking around) What's going on? Where's the clown?
Mr. Krabs: There is no clown!!!
Squidward: (regarding SpongeBob and Patrick) I'd have to disagree with that...
Patrick: SpongeBob! I remember what I had to tell you!
SpongeBob: What, Pat?
Mr. Krabs: Hurry up and tell him, boy...he's wasting money! Er...time.
Patrick: (eyes getting all wide and glazed over) You'll never guess...
Squidward: You're moving to Afghanistan?
Patrick: No, they were all out of those at the store.
Squidward: Huh?
Mr. Krabs: (aside) Don't ask.
Patrick: Anyway...I got a new pet!!!
Mr. Krabs: Is that what all this carryin' on is about? Why couldn't you have waited to tell us!?
Squidward: Or...why did you have to tell us at ALL!?
SpongeBob: What kind of pet, Patrick?
Patrick: (frowning) I...don't...know...
Mr. Krabs: (pushing Pat out the door) You can show him your new...uh...pet later, me boy. (slams door) All right, Krusty crew! Back to work!
(QC to Patrick. He's walking out of store with a leash and one of those dog bowl things.)
Patrick: (happily to himself) I hope my new little buddy likes these! (Continues walking down the street.)
(QC to Pat's rock-house deal. I think it's a rock...anyway, that's really not important. Ok, a man is standing outside the rock house, a bowl on his head...like the one Sandy wears...but in regular clothes. He is looking around, bewildered)
Man: (panicked) What is goin on here!? Why do I have a fish bowl on my head!? WHY AM I UNDER THE SEA!
(Patrick comes skipping up with his leash and bowl)
Patrick: (seeing the frantic man) BUDDY! Buddy, it's YOU!!! I'm back! (runs over and hugs him fiercely)
Man: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Get off me! AHHHHHHHHH
Patrick: (hug him tighter) I love you Buddy!
(QC to the Surface World. Fox News is on, and Shepard Smith is reporting, 'cause I love him...heehee)
Shep: The whole country is concerned over the whereabouts of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Secretary Rumsfeld has yet to return from his boating trip, which was only supposed to last a few hours. There have been no storms reported, and his boat has been found, unattended. Hopefully, some news will come up as to his location.
(The phone rings. And yes, there IS a phone directly in front of my favorite reporter...for the third time, this is MY world!)
Shep: (picking up the phone) Hello? Fox News, Shep Smith speaking.
(QC to a girl who is * not * me...hehe...named Marlene. She is sitting at home, marking her place in The O'Reilly Factor with her hand)
Marlene: (all giggly and irritating...again, I * swear * this isn't supposed to be me!) Hi!
Shep: (rolling his eyes) Oh no, not you again.
Marlene: (smirking) Real nice way to talk to me, Shep, after that...er...issue with you and Sean Hannity I just happened to witness!
Shep: (getting all red) I TOLD you never to mention that again!
Marlene: I SO love having dirt on Fox newscasters...it gives me unlimited O'Reilly access. Anyway, I think I * might * know where Donald Rumsfeld is.
Shep: (excited) Really, where!?
Marlene: (snorting) Why should I tell you!? Then YOU get all the credit! I think I'll go find him!
Shep: (dejected) Ohhh...wait! Then why did you call me?
Marlene: (laughing) To make you mad! Well, I'm off to find Secretary Rumsfeld! See ya Shep...and tell Sean I said hi! (hangs up)
(Marlene shakes her head and takes out a fishbowl.)
Marlene: God, SpongeBob, you've done it again!
(She walks off)
(QC back to Bikini Bottoms. Patrick is walking down the road...well, struggling down the road, actually. See, he's trying to drag his new 'pet', which I'm guessing everyone has already assumed is Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld.)
Secy. Rumsfeld: (struggling...Pat has him on the leash) Stop it! What are you doing to me! Stop now! I DEMAND to LET ME GO!
Patrick: You're soooooo smart, Buddy...you can talk and everything!
Secy. Rumsfeld: My name is NOT 'Buddy'!. I AM THE DEFENSE SECRETARY FOR THE UNITED STATES!!!!
Patrick: (eyes glazed over) Wo-o-o-o-ow... SpongeBob will be so impressed...I bet he's never seen a Defense Secretary before! (gives a hard pull on Rumsfeld's leash, knocking him off his feet)
Secy. Rumsfeld: STOP!!!!! LET ME UP!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!
(Pat simply starts humming and continues dragging the struggling Secretary down the road to the Krusty Krab)
(QC to the aforementioned restaurant. Mr. Krabs is closing down, as SpongeBob is mopping up. Squidward is wiping up some tables...well, he's actually standing by a table, holding a rag...which is as close as Squidward is going to get to doing work.)
SpongeBob: I wonder what kind of pet Patrick got?
Squidward: He probably just found a mirror.
SpongeBob: (confused) What does that mean?
Squidward: (shaking his head in disgust) Never mind...why do I even try?
Mr. Krabs: (looking out the window) Well here comes the lad now...and he's draggin' somethin' behind him.
SpongeBob: What is it?
Mr. Krabs: (squinting) I don't know...never seen anythin' like that before...well, I guess we can ask him when he comes in.
Squidward: (snorting in contempt) Yeah, right, like Patrick will even know what it is. He probably found it somewhere and put a leash around it.
Mr. Krabs: Well, we'll see.
(QC to Patrick and Secy. Rumsfeld.)
Patrick: Come one Buddy! I'm taking you to the Krusty Krab to show SpongeBob and Squidward and Mr. Krabs!
Secy. Rumsfeld: NOOOOOO! LET ME GOOOOOOOO! Stop this madness NOW!!!!! I AM AN AMERICAN!
Patrick: (frowning) I thought you were a Secretary of Defense.
Secy. Rumsfeld: I AM!
Patrick: How can you be both?
Secy. Rumsfeld: (critically) Are you really THAT stupid? Wait a minute...I'm talking to a large pink starfish in Hawaiian shorts, dragging me on a leash. Do I even HAVE to ask that?
Patrick: (drooling and looking around vacantly) Ask what?
Secy. Rumsfeld: (sulkily) Nothing. Nothing at all. Anyway, what is this 'Krusty Krab' you're referring to?
Patrick: (pointing) Well, it's right there...
Secy. Rumsfeld: Oh God, could this day get ANY worse?
(Patrick proceeds to drag Secy. Rumsfeld to the Krusty Krab. He throws open the door, and SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward look up in shock as Pat forces in the struggling official)
SpongeBob: Wow, Pat, what IS that!?
Patrick: I think he's a Secretary of Defense...whatever that is.
SpongeBob: (petulantly to Squidward) See! Patrick DOES know what it is!
Squidward: (huffily) Ya, whatever.
(Secy. Rumsfeld gets to his feet)
Secy. Rumsfeld: Look, I don't know what it is with all you people...(looks around)...er, things...but I am not some kind of pet! I am an American citizen! You have NO RIGHT to drag me around on a LEASH!
(Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and SpongeBob stare up at Secy. Rumsfeld, eyes wide)
Squidward: It...it talks!?
Patrick: Yup! Isn't he smart?
SpongeBob: I'll say. What's his name, Pat?
Patrick: I call him Buddy!
Secy. Rumsfeld: MY NAME IS DONALD RUMSFELD!!! NOT BUDDY!!!!
Mr. Krabs: (to himself) H'mm...whatever that thing is...it's pretty smart. I wonder...
Squidward: Where'd you find him?
Patrick: I don't remember.
Squidward: But Patrick, it was only this morning.
Patrick: Morning...?
Squidward: Oh yeah, you're stupid. How could I forget a thing like that?
SpongeBob: Hey Pat, can I pet him?
Secy. Rumsfeld: WHAT!?!?
Patrick: Sure!
(SpongeBob walks over to the Defense Secretary, and starts patting his head. Secy. Rumsfeld struggles wildly, but Pat gives a hard jerk of his leash, and he falls to the floor, choking)
Mr. Krabs: Patrick! I didn't know you taught him tricks! Look, he's rollin' over!
Patrick: (smiling proudly) Buddy is sooooo smart!
Secy. Rumsfeld: (turning blue and coughing) ACK! CAN'T...BREATH!!!!!!!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!
(QC to Marlene...the girl who is * not * me. She's in a power boat, cruising around the ocean, looking for something. Finally she finds a little island...like the one in the opening theme of SpongeBob. Smiling, Marlene docks her boat)
Marlene: Ah, if I'm not mistaken, it should be right around here.
(Marlene...I may remind you one more time that she is * not * me...puts on her fishbowl-helmet deal and jumps into the water. And I shall note at this time...I realize there are many scientific impossibilities in this story so far...but come on, I doubt Starfishes really wear shorts, so...hehe. Anyway, Marlene swims down towards Bikini Bottoms)
(QC back to the Krusty Krab. Secy. Rumsfeld is tied up to a table, and he's trying to undo the knot, but can't, for some reason. Mr. Krabs is thinking to himself)
Mr. Krabs: (this is a thought, he's not really saying it) H'mm, I wonder if people would pay money to see that...thing. It can be pretty funny when it starts yellin' and carryin' on...(Spoken) WE COULD MAKE A FORTUNE!!
Squidward: (looking up in confusion) What are you talking about.
Mr. Krabs: Boys! I just had the most profitable idea...maybe we could...you know...'show off' Buddy here to the Krusty Krab customers!
Secy. Rumsfeld: WHAT!?!?! I am NOT some sort of circus freak here!
Patrick: (glazed-over expression) Ooo...circus freaks.
Secy. Rumsfeld: (giving Pat a scared look) I have my rights you know! You could be arrested for this!!
Mr. Krabs: (not listening to this. Talking to Pat in a very conciliatory tone ) Wouldn't it be nice if we could show Buddy to everyone! Buddy would be the most popular...er...whatever he is in Bikini Bottoms!
Secy. Rumsfeld: (sitting down heavily) I'm the Secretary of State! Get it through your head!
Patrick: You mean, Buddy could do tricks and stuff to make people happy?
SpongeBob: Wow, Mr. Krabs, that's the nicest idea you've ever had! And we could give away free food to all the people watching the show!
Mr. Krabs: (flipping out) AHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT DID YOU SAY!?
SpongeBob: (cringing) Well...maybe we could...sell the food.
Mr. Krabs: (calm) That's better.
Secy. Rumsfeld: This is totally insane. I REFUSE to perform for an audience of brainless undersea...things! Now come on, I HAVE to get back to the Surface! I can't leave President Bush alone for too long...
Mr. Krabs: (ignoring him) All right! Squidward and SpongeBob, you two set up a stage. Patrick, go spread the word! We'll have the best show in town!
Squidward: Hey Mr. Krabs! I could play for an opener!
Mr. Krabs: No Squidward, we're trying to get people to come TO the Krusty Krab...not drive them AWAY.
(Squidward sneers, then drags SpongeBob outside to start working on the stage. Patrick runs out, waving his arms in excitement. Mr. Krabs turns to Secy. Rumsfeld)
Mr. Krabs: (smirking) You are going to make me a fortune!
(QC to Marlene, who is walking along the road to Bikini Bottoms. It is the next day, for some reason. A piece of paper suddenly flies into her face. Shaking her head, Marlene looks at the paper. She gasp)
Marlene: Oh God, I didn't expect THIS!
(The paper is actually a flyer, with a crude drawing of the Secretary of Defense, doing a little dance, and the words 'Come to the Krusty Krab to See Buddy!')
Marlene: (smirking to herself) Well, maybe I'll catch the show. Might be interesting, to say the least!
(Marlene folds up the flyer and sticks in it her pocket, then continues walking down the road.)
(QC back to the Krusty Krab, later that day. Mr. Krabs is wearing a tux, on an outdoor stage. There is a large crowd of fish, milling around, and SpongeBob is selling Krabby Patties, like a hot-dog vendor. Mr. Krabs motions for silence, then speaks into a microphone)
Mr. Krabs: Welcome residents of Bikini Bottoms! First of all, I'd like to offer you this chance to buy a Krabby Patty! (smiles as the fish throw money at SpongeBob. He throws back some Patties) Thanks to you all! And now, for your enjoyment, the ONLY Secretary of Defense in Bikini Bottoms...Buddy!
(The curtains pull back, showing Secy. Rumsfeld sitting on a chair. He's looking pretty angry, which is understandable. Patrick is holding on to his leash.)
Patrick: Hi everyone!
Crowd: Hi Patrick!
Patrick: I would like you to meet Buddy...my favorite pet! (hugs Rumsfeld quite hard. Rumsfeld struggles to break free)
Crowd: Awwwwww...
Secy. Rumsfeld: PLEASE! PLEASE HELP ME! Please help me get away from these lunatics! I'm a government official!
One Fish: (to SpongeBob) I thought he was a Secretary of Defense.
SpongeBob: I think a Government Official is a type of Secretary of Defense.
The Surfer Fish: Du-u-u-u-ude! How could you not have known THAT!
(QC back to Pat and Rumsfeld on stage)
Patrick: Now, roll over Buddy!
Secy. Rumsfeld: (crossing his arms, pouting) No! I refuse to!
Patrick: (jerking his leash) ROLL OVER!
(Secy. Rumsfeld falls to the ground, choking again. The audience claps. At this time, Marlene walks up into the crowd. She notices Secy. Rumsfeld convulsing on the ground)
Marlene: Darn, I should have brought a camera...Shep would have paid dearly for THAT picture.
(Secy. Rumsfeld suddenly sees Marlene)
Secy. Rumsfeld: YOU! IT'S YOU! HELP MEEEEEEE!
Marlene: (in a teasing voice) Hi Donnie! Have fun?
Secy. Rumsfeld: NO!
Patrick: Now for his next trick, Buddy will jump through a flaming hoop!
(Squidward wheels out the so-named object...and the actual hoop is pretty funny)
Secy. Rumsfeld: (flipping out) WHAT!?!?! (then he suddenly frowns) Wait a minute...we're underwater? How can there be a flaming hoop?
Squidward: You're better off not asking.
Secy. Rumsfeld: No, wait! That hoop is too small! I'll never fit!
Patrick: Oh yes you will! (starts pushing Secy. Rumsfeld to the hoop)
Secy. Rumsfeld: MARLENE! HELP ME! PLEASE!!!
Marlene: (looking at her watch with a smirk) In a moment...I want to see this!
Secy. Rumsfeld: (struggling with all his might against Patrick) MARLENE! MARLENE, PLEASE!
Marlene: (sighing theatrically) Fine, fine, fine. Jeeze, and you call yourself the Secretary of Defense. Can't even jump through a flaming hoop.
(Marlene jumps on stage, just as Pat is about to throw Rumsfeld through the hoop. She looks around for Mr. Krabs, and sees him counting his money off to the side.)
Marlene: Hey! Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: (looking up) What do you want?
Marlene: Do you know what a 'Secretary of State' actually is?
Mr. Krabs: Nooo, not really. Why?
Marlene: Well, I have three letters for you...IRS.
Mr. Krabs: (turning pale) What!?
Marlene: He works for the IRS...their undercover department. Pretends to be a pet, so he can spy on tax fraud suspects.
Mr. Krabs: (pulling at his collar uncomfortably) Er...tax fraud suspects...
Marlene: Uh-huh. Of course, you wouldn't have anything to worry about, would you? You're an honest businessman, you pay all your taxes! I'm sure you wouldn't mind an audit!
Mr. Krabs: NOOOOO! Wait...I mean, NOOOOO restaurant of mine is going to be turned into a cheap floorshow! That thing has to go! To...um...restore the dignity of the Krusty Krab!
(Mr. Krab runs onstage. Marlene smirks to herself happily. Suddenly, there is a pain-filled scream)
Marlene: (trying not to laugh) Oops...guess I was a bit too late!
(Later on. Marlene and Secy. Rumsfeld are in Marlene's boat. Secy. Rumsfeld's suit is burnt around the middle)
Secy. Rumsfeld: Great, I'm wet and suffering third-degree burns! This has just been a WONDEFUL day.
Marlene: Way to be thankful!
Secy. Rumsfeld: (snorting) Oh please!
Marlene: (petulantly) Hmph! Would you like me to throw you back down there!? I'm sure Patrick still has the leash!
Secy. Rumsfeld: (turning white) NOOOOOO!
Marlene: (smirking) Than what do you say...
Secy. Rumsfeld: Thank you Marlene.
Marlene: Well, it could have been a bit more heartfelt, but I'll accept it. Hey! Let's go annoy Peter Jennings!
Secy. Rumsfeld: Sounds fine with me!
(He starts the boat and they speed off)
(QC back to Bikini Bottoms. Patrick is holding "Buddy's" leash and sobbing uncontrollably. Squidward and Mr. Krabs are holding their ears against his cries. Suddenly, SpongeBob comes running up with a newspaper)
SpongeBob: Hey Pat! I have something that will cheer you up!
Patrick: Nothing will cheer me up! I want Buddy!!! (sobs more)
SpongeBob: But look! (holds up paper so Pat can read it)
Patrick: (stops crying, smiles) Yay! Let's go!
Mr. Krabs: ANYTHING to stop him from carryin' on like that!
Squidward: (rolling his eyes) Welcome to my life
(The four run off, leaving the Newspaper behind, so the headline can be seen. It reads:
"PRIME MINISTER TONY BLAIRE TAKING CRUISE TO SMALL AREA NAMED BIKINI BOTTOMS"
The End!
Stupid, no? But...hey! SpongeBob, Donald Rumsfeld...what else could you want? Anyway, this piece of...er...writing (if you could call it that) was not meant to offend anyone in any way. I look up to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld very much. Oh, and no offense to Shepard Smith or Sean Hannity, either! I love you guys!
Thanks for reading!
Ooo, the first SpongeBob fic...and it is TOTALLY strange and off-base, but I was really bored. Anyway, disclaimer: SpongeBob does not belong to me, he (and his show) belong to Nickelodeon. Donald Rumsfeld does not belong to me, he is the Secretary of Defense, and as far as I know, does not belong to anyone. Ok, well, here we go!
*Note- 'QC' denotes 'quick cut'...a scene change
(Scene: A beautiful morning in Bikini Bottoms. Everything is quiet and peaceful, until...there is an extraordinarily loud foghorn blast. QC inside SpongeBob's Pineapple House. Sponge's alarm is blasting. Finally, he opens his eyes)
SpongeBob: Ah! Another morning! I love mornings, because that's when I go to...WORK!
(Jumps up out of bed, throwing his arms out in an embracing gesture)
SpongeBob: (suddenly dressed) I love work!
(QC to Squidward's house. Squidward wakes up grumpily)
Squidward: I hate work.
(Back to SpongeBob. It is a few moments later, because this is my world, and I can control time. Our favorite Sponge is skipping merrily to work)
SpongeBob: I can't wait to get to the Krusty Krab! And make Krabby Patties, and serve the customers, and give half my paycheck back to Mr. Krabs so I can work longer!
(Suddenly, Patrick comes running up, waving his arms around and acting frantic.)
SpongeBob: Patrick? What is it?
Patrick: SPONGEBO-O-O-OB!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHIIIIIIIIIIING!!!
(Patrick stops beside SpongeBob, panting and sweating heavily)
SpongeBob: Patrick...what's wrong?
Patrick: I 'pant' have to 'pant, pant, pant' have to 'pant, pant, pant' have to...
SpongeBob: Patrick, breath!
(Pat gets an enlightened...or, as close to enlightened as he can get...look on his face, and takes a huge deep breath of air)
Patrick: (smiling brightly) That's better!
SpongeBob: Good...now, what did you have to tell me?
Patrick: (clueless) What did I have to tell you?
SpongeBob: Yes, what did you have to tell me?
Patrick: (drooling a bit) What did I have to tell you....?
SpongeBob: Pat, you just came running up, screaming that you had to tell me something.
(Pat suddenly gets a remembering look, and a little light bulb goes on over his head. He looks up and sees the light bulb, and his eyes get wide)
Patrick: AHHHHHHHH! (He flails around with his arms, breaking the light bulb.)
SpongeBob: (raising an eyebrow) Uhh...Pat? Are you all right?
Patrick: (suddenly smiling brightly again) Yes! So...going to work?
SpongeBob: (frowning) I thought you had something to tell me?
Patrick: I did?
SpongeBob: (glances at his watch...I know, I don't think he wears one in the show, but, again...this is my world!) Well, I have to get to work. If I'm late, I won't make employee of the month again!
Patrick: Ok.
(SpongeBob waves to Patrick, and walks down the road. Patrick stands there for a few seconds, staring blankly. Suddenly, he starts screaming and waving his arms around again, then takes off down the road)
(QC to the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob walks in and notices Squidward at the counter. Squidward rolls his eyes)
Squidward: Of course...the day wouldn't be complete without
SpongeBob ruining it.
SpongeBob: Hi Squidward! Isn't it a great day for work!
Squidward: (dryly) Yes. Lovely. Get in the kitchen, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: (clicking his heels and saluting sharply) Yes sir! (skips into the Krusty Krab's kitchen)
Squidward: Sometimes I wonder why I even bother trying to stay sane.
(Suddenly, Patrick comes rushing into the Krusty Krab, screaming and flailing about...even more then usual!)
Squidward: I would repeat my previous statement, but what's the point?
Patrick: (running around the Krusty Krab, knocking over tables and the like, generally causing havoc) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
(Mr. Krab's door flies open and he runs out)
Mr. Krabs: What in the name of the Flying Dutchman is goin' on in here!? Patrick me boy, what do you think you're doin'!?
Patrick: (stopping suddenly) Oh, hi Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: (aside to Squidward) I still say he was dropped on his head as a baby
Squidward: No, I think it was the toxic waste dump.
(Flashback to baby Patrick. He's drinking from one of those industrial waste drums with the 'toxic' sign on it. A baby-bottle nipple is stretched over the lib. Baby Patrick puts the drum down and belches little green bubbles that explode)
(Flash back to the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: (regarding Patrick) Is there somethin' you'll be wantin', Patrick? This is a serious business here...we can't have you clownin' around.
(A fish sitting at one of the tables looks up)
Fish: A clown!? Where!
(Suddenly a whole group of fish gather around Patrick)
Mr. Krabs: (flailing around) GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!
(The fish instantly disappear. SpongeBob walks out.)
SpongeBob: (looking around) What's going on? Where's the clown?
Mr. Krabs: There is no clown!!!
Squidward: (regarding SpongeBob and Patrick) I'd have to disagree with that...
Patrick: SpongeBob! I remember what I had to tell you!
SpongeBob: What, Pat?
Mr. Krabs: Hurry up and tell him, boy...he's wasting money! Er...time.
Patrick: (eyes getting all wide and glazed over) You'll never guess...
Squidward: You're moving to Afghanistan?
Patrick: No, they were all out of those at the store.
Squidward: Huh?
Mr. Krabs: (aside) Don't ask.
Patrick: Anyway...I got a new pet!!!
Mr. Krabs: Is that what all this carryin' on is about? Why couldn't you have waited to tell us!?
Squidward: Or...why did you have to tell us at ALL!?
SpongeBob: What kind of pet, Patrick?
Patrick: (frowning) I...don't...know...
Mr. Krabs: (pushing Pat out the door) You can show him your new...uh...pet later, me boy. (slams door) All right, Krusty crew! Back to work!
(QC to Patrick. He's walking out of store with a leash and one of those dog bowl things.)
Patrick: (happily to himself) I hope my new little buddy likes these! (Continues walking down the street.)
(QC to Pat's rock-house deal. I think it's a rock...anyway, that's really not important. Ok, a man is standing outside the rock house, a bowl on his head...like the one Sandy wears...but in regular clothes. He is looking around, bewildered)
Man: (panicked) What is goin on here!? Why do I have a fish bowl on my head!? WHY AM I UNDER THE SEA!
(Patrick comes skipping up with his leash and bowl)
Patrick: (seeing the frantic man) BUDDY! Buddy, it's YOU!!! I'm back! (runs over and hugs him fiercely)
Man: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Get off me! AHHHHHHHHH
Patrick: (hug him tighter) I love you Buddy!
(QC to the Surface World. Fox News is on, and Shepard Smith is reporting, 'cause I love him...heehee)
Shep: The whole country is concerned over the whereabouts of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Secretary Rumsfeld has yet to return from his boating trip, which was only supposed to last a few hours. There have been no storms reported, and his boat has been found, unattended. Hopefully, some news will come up as to his location.
(The phone rings. And yes, there IS a phone directly in front of my favorite reporter...for the third time, this is MY world!)
Shep: (picking up the phone) Hello? Fox News, Shep Smith speaking.
(QC to a girl who is * not * me...hehe...named Marlene. She is sitting at home, marking her place in The O'Reilly Factor with her hand)
Marlene: (all giggly and irritating...again, I * swear * this isn't supposed to be me!) Hi!
Shep: (rolling his eyes) Oh no, not you again.
Marlene: (smirking) Real nice way to talk to me, Shep, after that...er...issue with you and Sean Hannity I just happened to witness!
Shep: (getting all red) I TOLD you never to mention that again!
Marlene: I SO love having dirt on Fox newscasters...it gives me unlimited O'Reilly access. Anyway, I think I * might * know where Donald Rumsfeld is.
Shep: (excited) Really, where!?
Marlene: (snorting) Why should I tell you!? Then YOU get all the credit! I think I'll go find him!
Shep: (dejected) Ohhh...wait! Then why did you call me?
Marlene: (laughing) To make you mad! Well, I'm off to find Secretary Rumsfeld! See ya Shep...and tell Sean I said hi! (hangs up)
(Marlene shakes her head and takes out a fishbowl.)
Marlene: God, SpongeBob, you've done it again!
(She walks off)
(QC back to Bikini Bottoms. Patrick is walking down the road...well, struggling down the road, actually. See, he's trying to drag his new 'pet', which I'm guessing everyone has already assumed is Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld.)
Secy. Rumsfeld: (struggling...Pat has him on the leash) Stop it! What are you doing to me! Stop now! I DEMAND to LET ME GO!
Patrick: You're soooooo smart, Buddy...you can talk and everything!
Secy. Rumsfeld: My name is NOT 'Buddy'!. I AM THE DEFENSE SECRETARY FOR THE UNITED STATES!!!!
Patrick: (eyes glazed over) Wo-o-o-o-ow... SpongeBob will be so impressed...I bet he's never seen a Defense Secretary before! (gives a hard pull on Rumsfeld's leash, knocking him off his feet)
Secy. Rumsfeld: STOP!!!!! LET ME UP!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!
(Pat simply starts humming and continues dragging the struggling Secretary down the road to the Krusty Krab)
(QC to the aforementioned restaurant. Mr. Krabs is closing down, as SpongeBob is mopping up. Squidward is wiping up some tables...well, he's actually standing by a table, holding a rag...which is as close as Squidward is going to get to doing work.)
SpongeBob: I wonder what kind of pet Patrick got?
Squidward: He probably just found a mirror.
SpongeBob: (confused) What does that mean?
Squidward: (shaking his head in disgust) Never mind...why do I even try?
Mr. Krabs: (looking out the window) Well here comes the lad now...and he's draggin' somethin' behind him.
SpongeBob: What is it?
Mr. Krabs: (squinting) I don't know...never seen anythin' like that before...well, I guess we can ask him when he comes in.
Squidward: (snorting in contempt) Yeah, right, like Patrick will even know what it is. He probably found it somewhere and put a leash around it.
Mr. Krabs: Well, we'll see.
(QC to Patrick and Secy. Rumsfeld.)
Patrick: Come one Buddy! I'm taking you to the Krusty Krab to show SpongeBob and Squidward and Mr. Krabs!
Secy. Rumsfeld: NOOOOOO! LET ME GOOOOOOOO! Stop this madness NOW!!!!! I AM AN AMERICAN!
Patrick: (frowning) I thought you were a Secretary of Defense.
Secy. Rumsfeld: I AM!
Patrick: How can you be both?
Secy. Rumsfeld: (critically) Are you really THAT stupid? Wait a minute...I'm talking to a large pink starfish in Hawaiian shorts, dragging me on a leash. Do I even HAVE to ask that?
Patrick: (drooling and looking around vacantly) Ask what?
Secy. Rumsfeld: (sulkily) Nothing. Nothing at all. Anyway, what is this 'Krusty Krab' you're referring to?
Patrick: (pointing) Well, it's right there...
Secy. Rumsfeld: Oh God, could this day get ANY worse?
(Patrick proceeds to drag Secy. Rumsfeld to the Krusty Krab. He throws open the door, and SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward look up in shock as Pat forces in the struggling official)
SpongeBob: Wow, Pat, what IS that!?
Patrick: I think he's a Secretary of Defense...whatever that is.
SpongeBob: (petulantly to Squidward) See! Patrick DOES know what it is!
Squidward: (huffily) Ya, whatever.
(Secy. Rumsfeld gets to his feet)
Secy. Rumsfeld: Look, I don't know what it is with all you people...(looks around)...er, things...but I am not some kind of pet! I am an American citizen! You have NO RIGHT to drag me around on a LEASH!
(Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and SpongeBob stare up at Secy. Rumsfeld, eyes wide)
Squidward: It...it talks!?
Patrick: Yup! Isn't he smart?
SpongeBob: I'll say. What's his name, Pat?
Patrick: I call him Buddy!
Secy. Rumsfeld: MY NAME IS DONALD RUMSFELD!!! NOT BUDDY!!!!
Mr. Krabs: (to himself) H'mm...whatever that thing is...it's pretty smart. I wonder...
Squidward: Where'd you find him?
Patrick: I don't remember.
Squidward: But Patrick, it was only this morning.
Patrick: Morning...?
Squidward: Oh yeah, you're stupid. How could I forget a thing like that?
SpongeBob: Hey Pat, can I pet him?
Secy. Rumsfeld: WHAT!?!?
Patrick: Sure!
(SpongeBob walks over to the Defense Secretary, and starts patting his head. Secy. Rumsfeld struggles wildly, but Pat gives a hard jerk of his leash, and he falls to the floor, choking)
Mr. Krabs: Patrick! I didn't know you taught him tricks! Look, he's rollin' over!
Patrick: (smiling proudly) Buddy is sooooo smart!
Secy. Rumsfeld: (turning blue and coughing) ACK! CAN'T...BREATH!!!!!!!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!
(QC to Marlene...the girl who is * not * me. She's in a power boat, cruising around the ocean, looking for something. Finally she finds a little island...like the one in the opening theme of SpongeBob. Smiling, Marlene docks her boat)
Marlene: Ah, if I'm not mistaken, it should be right around here.
(Marlene...I may remind you one more time that she is * not * me...puts on her fishbowl-helmet deal and jumps into the water. And I shall note at this time...I realize there are many scientific impossibilities in this story so far...but come on, I doubt Starfishes really wear shorts, so...hehe. Anyway, Marlene swims down towards Bikini Bottoms)
(QC back to the Krusty Krab. Secy. Rumsfeld is tied up to a table, and he's trying to undo the knot, but can't, for some reason. Mr. Krabs is thinking to himself)
Mr. Krabs: (this is a thought, he's not really saying it) H'mm, I wonder if people would pay money to see that...thing. It can be pretty funny when it starts yellin' and carryin' on...(Spoken) WE COULD MAKE A FORTUNE!!
Squidward: (looking up in confusion) What are you talking about.
Mr. Krabs: Boys! I just had the most profitable idea...maybe we could...you know...'show off' Buddy here to the Krusty Krab customers!
Secy. Rumsfeld: WHAT!?!?! I am NOT some sort of circus freak here!
Patrick: (glazed-over expression) Ooo...circus freaks.
Secy. Rumsfeld: (giving Pat a scared look) I have my rights you know! You could be arrested for this!!
Mr. Krabs: (not listening to this. Talking to Pat in a very conciliatory tone ) Wouldn't it be nice if we could show Buddy to everyone! Buddy would be the most popular...er...whatever he is in Bikini Bottoms!
Secy. Rumsfeld: (sitting down heavily) I'm the Secretary of State! Get it through your head!
Patrick: You mean, Buddy could do tricks and stuff to make people happy?
SpongeBob: Wow, Mr. Krabs, that's the nicest idea you've ever had! And we could give away free food to all the people watching the show!
Mr. Krabs: (flipping out) AHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT DID YOU SAY!?
SpongeBob: (cringing) Well...maybe we could...sell the food.
Mr. Krabs: (calm) That's better.
Secy. Rumsfeld: This is totally insane. I REFUSE to perform for an audience of brainless undersea...things! Now come on, I HAVE to get back to the Surface! I can't leave President Bush alone for too long...
Mr. Krabs: (ignoring him) All right! Squidward and SpongeBob, you two set up a stage. Patrick, go spread the word! We'll have the best show in town!
Squidward: Hey Mr. Krabs! I could play for an opener!
Mr. Krabs: No Squidward, we're trying to get people to come TO the Krusty Krab...not drive them AWAY.
(Squidward sneers, then drags SpongeBob outside to start working on the stage. Patrick runs out, waving his arms in excitement. Mr. Krabs turns to Secy. Rumsfeld)
Mr. Krabs: (smirking) You are going to make me a fortune!
(QC to Marlene, who is walking along the road to Bikini Bottoms. It is the next day, for some reason. A piece of paper suddenly flies into her face. Shaking her head, Marlene looks at the paper. She gasp)
Marlene: Oh God, I didn't expect THIS!
(The paper is actually a flyer, with a crude drawing of the Secretary of Defense, doing a little dance, and the words 'Come to the Krusty Krab to See Buddy!')
Marlene: (smirking to herself) Well, maybe I'll catch the show. Might be interesting, to say the least!
(Marlene folds up the flyer and sticks in it her pocket, then continues walking down the road.)
(QC back to the Krusty Krab, later that day. Mr. Krabs is wearing a tux, on an outdoor stage. There is a large crowd of fish, milling around, and SpongeBob is selling Krabby Patties, like a hot-dog vendor. Mr. Krabs motions for silence, then speaks into a microphone)
Mr. Krabs: Welcome residents of Bikini Bottoms! First of all, I'd like to offer you this chance to buy a Krabby Patty! (smiles as the fish throw money at SpongeBob. He throws back some Patties) Thanks to you all! And now, for your enjoyment, the ONLY Secretary of Defense in Bikini Bottoms...Buddy!
(The curtains pull back, showing Secy. Rumsfeld sitting on a chair. He's looking pretty angry, which is understandable. Patrick is holding on to his leash.)
Patrick: Hi everyone!
Crowd: Hi Patrick!
Patrick: I would like you to meet Buddy...my favorite pet! (hugs Rumsfeld quite hard. Rumsfeld struggles to break free)
Crowd: Awwwwww...
Secy. Rumsfeld: PLEASE! PLEASE HELP ME! Please help me get away from these lunatics! I'm a government official!
One Fish: (to SpongeBob) I thought he was a Secretary of Defense.
SpongeBob: I think a Government Official is a type of Secretary of Defense.
The Surfer Fish: Du-u-u-u-ude! How could you not have known THAT!
(QC back to Pat and Rumsfeld on stage)
Patrick: Now, roll over Buddy!
Secy. Rumsfeld: (crossing his arms, pouting) No! I refuse to!
Patrick: (jerking his leash) ROLL OVER!
(Secy. Rumsfeld falls to the ground, choking again. The audience claps. At this time, Marlene walks up into the crowd. She notices Secy. Rumsfeld convulsing on the ground)
Marlene: Darn, I should have brought a camera...Shep would have paid dearly for THAT picture.
(Secy. Rumsfeld suddenly sees Marlene)
Secy. Rumsfeld: YOU! IT'S YOU! HELP MEEEEEEE!
Marlene: (in a teasing voice) Hi Donnie! Have fun?
Secy. Rumsfeld: NO!
Patrick: Now for his next trick, Buddy will jump through a flaming hoop!
(Squidward wheels out the so-named object...and the actual hoop is pretty funny)
Secy. Rumsfeld: (flipping out) WHAT!?!?! (then he suddenly frowns) Wait a minute...we're underwater? How can there be a flaming hoop?
Squidward: You're better off not asking.
Secy. Rumsfeld: No, wait! That hoop is too small! I'll never fit!
Patrick: Oh yes you will! (starts pushing Secy. Rumsfeld to the hoop)
Secy. Rumsfeld: MARLENE! HELP ME! PLEASE!!!
Marlene: (looking at her watch with a smirk) In a moment...I want to see this!
Secy. Rumsfeld: (struggling with all his might against Patrick) MARLENE! MARLENE, PLEASE!
Marlene: (sighing theatrically) Fine, fine, fine. Jeeze, and you call yourself the Secretary of Defense. Can't even jump through a flaming hoop.
(Marlene jumps on stage, just as Pat is about to throw Rumsfeld through the hoop. She looks around for Mr. Krabs, and sees him counting his money off to the side.)
Marlene: Hey! Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: (looking up) What do you want?
Marlene: Do you know what a 'Secretary of State' actually is?
Mr. Krabs: Nooo, not really. Why?
Marlene: Well, I have three letters for you...IRS.
Mr. Krabs: (turning pale) What!?
Marlene: He works for the IRS...their undercover department. Pretends to be a pet, so he can spy on tax fraud suspects.
Mr. Krabs: (pulling at his collar uncomfortably) Er...tax fraud suspects...
Marlene: Uh-huh. Of course, you wouldn't have anything to worry about, would you? You're an honest businessman, you pay all your taxes! I'm sure you wouldn't mind an audit!
Mr. Krabs: NOOOOO! Wait...I mean, NOOOOO restaurant of mine is going to be turned into a cheap floorshow! That thing has to go! To...um...restore the dignity of the Krusty Krab!
(Mr. Krab runs onstage. Marlene smirks to herself happily. Suddenly, there is a pain-filled scream)
Marlene: (trying not to laugh) Oops...guess I was a bit too late!
(Later on. Marlene and Secy. Rumsfeld are in Marlene's boat. Secy. Rumsfeld's suit is burnt around the middle)
Secy. Rumsfeld: Great, I'm wet and suffering third-degree burns! This has just been a WONDEFUL day.
Marlene: Way to be thankful!
Secy. Rumsfeld: (snorting) Oh please!
Marlene: (petulantly) Hmph! Would you like me to throw you back down there!? I'm sure Patrick still has the leash!
Secy. Rumsfeld: (turning white) NOOOOOO!
Marlene: (smirking) Than what do you say...
Secy. Rumsfeld: Thank you Marlene.
Marlene: Well, it could have been a bit more heartfelt, but I'll accept it. Hey! Let's go annoy Peter Jennings!
Secy. Rumsfeld: Sounds fine with me!
(He starts the boat and they speed off)
(QC back to Bikini Bottoms. Patrick is holding "Buddy's" leash and sobbing uncontrollably. Squidward and Mr. Krabs are holding their ears against his cries. Suddenly, SpongeBob comes running up with a newspaper)
SpongeBob: Hey Pat! I have something that will cheer you up!
Patrick: Nothing will cheer me up! I want Buddy!!! (sobs more)
SpongeBob: But look! (holds up paper so Pat can read it)
Patrick: (stops crying, smiles) Yay! Let's go!
Mr. Krabs: ANYTHING to stop him from carryin' on like that!
Squidward: (rolling his eyes) Welcome to my life
(The four run off, leaving the Newspaper behind, so the headline can be seen. It reads:
"PRIME MINISTER TONY BLAIRE TAKING CRUISE TO SMALL AREA NAMED BIKINI BOTTOMS"
The End!
Stupid, no? But...hey! SpongeBob, Donald Rumsfeld...what else could you want? Anyway, this piece of...er...writing (if you could call it that) was not meant to offend anyone in any way. I look up to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld very much. Oh, and no offense to Shepard Smith or Sean Hannity, either! I love you guys!
Thanks for reading!