Wow, it's been a while. I'm a bit rusty, I think. Either way, Itsy's back and thinks she can make an at least semi-funny spoof of this doomed to fail plot. Now, without further ado… *cracks knuckles* …here we goooo!

ATLAS OF THE ANCIENTS

Chapter 1

Our setting: the lovely Shenkuu at dusk. Two children are running around aimlessly.

Yurble: Hey! Srow down! What's you hully?

Kacheek: …what?

Yurb: I said, srow down! What's you hully?

Kacheek: Uh…

Yurble: SROW DOWN. What are you, stupid? Can you not unnastand my ranguage? I speaking perflectly crear!

Kacheek: I only speak English!

Yurble: I speaking Engrish!

Kacheek: Look, just because we live in an Oriental-based land doesn't mean you have to adopt the stereotypical dialect of that culture.

Yurble: What you talking about? I no steleotype!

Kacheek: *sighs and shakes head* Look, It's getting late. If I'm not home before dark, I'll be in serious trouble!

Yurble: Awww, you scaled, rittle gir? You stop worry! There plenty of dayright reft!

Kacheek: I dunno…haven't you heard about the mysterious fire-breathing creatures that supposedly lurk around here after dark? I wouldn't want to run into one—

Yurble: Sirry gir, if cleature bleathing firar why you run into it?

Kacheek: Well I wouldn't do it on purpose, I'm just saying… My parents were telling me—

Yurble: You palents! Don't you see? They only terring you stolies of spooky monstels that rurk after dark to get you to do what they want! I can't berieve you so gurrible enough to far for it!

Kacheek: Okay, seriously, your talking…

Yurble: NOTHING WRONG WIV MY TALK. MY ENGRISH JUST FINE!!11!

Kacheek: Listen to yourself!

Yurble: You bling shame and dishonour upon me!

Kacheek: Shut up.

Yurble: I charrenge you to a Moltal Kombat!

Kacheek: …yeah. I'm going to go, um, walk over this way now before I'm seen with you.

Yurble: You reglet dis when you need halp on your math homework! I no be there to halp you!

(Atop a hill the wise old Gnorbu from the Lunar temple watches them longingly. He is distracted by a flower and bends down to sniff it. Old people are exciting, amirite?)

Gnorbu: *stands and looks off into the distance* Interesting…

(He returns to his temple where an apprentice is doing absolutely nothing important, because apprentices are useless. Srsly.)

Gnorbu: There's definitely something going on. I'm certain of it.

Wocky apprentice: Huhwut.

Gnorbu: It hasn't yet reached the point where the casual observer can pick up on it, but someone with a trained eye, like myself, and knowledge of such things, like myself, the signs are unmistakable.

Wocky: Huh. You're boring.

Gnorbu: I am full of knowledge. My white beard is proof of this. All wise men have beards like mine.

Wocky: You're old. And boring.

Gnorbu: I seem to vaguely recall the existence of an ancient tome…

Wocky: You smell like paper and death.

Gnorbu: The tome contained instructions for what to do in circumstances such as these.

Wocky: You're so old you don't even hear what I'm saying. Anyway, your book is right here. (holds it up)

Gnorbu: Now where did I put it…

Wocky: It's right here. In my hands. Pay attention, old man, I'm trying to advance the as of yet weak plot.

Gnorbu: Hmm. *looks through the tome* It appears as though this situation will require some travel and exploration, the likes of which my weary bones could not endure.

Wocky: You talk too much. And you're old.

Gnorbu: What did you say?

Wocky: I said you talk too much.

Gnorbu: Oh, why thank you, it is a new robe!

Wocky: FFFFFFFFF…why must an extensive exploration occur for something minor that you think is "going on"? Explain, old man!

Gnorbu: Idk! I'm just following the instructions in my 'How to Be a Learned and Wise Knower of Stuff: for Dummies'!

Wocky: Wat.

Gnorbu: It says that for all people who aspire to be that cliché Asian wise man who knows all the answers to everything ever, they must plunge a hapless explorer into harm's way for no other reason than because it will inevitably lead to a moral being learned in the end that the hapless explorer otherwise didn't know!

Wocky: Wat. Speak Engrish.

Gnorbu: In a nutshell, I have to do it for the lulz.

Wocky: Oh. Okay. Now what?

Gnorbu: I believe I know just the right person for the job…

(Scene switches to a familiar Lutari lounging on a beach chair at a resort. Beside him, a mentally incapacitated young Kougra chases around a buzz. A butler approaches the Lutari.)

Butler: Mr. Colchester, a message for you.

Kougra: Weeeeeeeee! *chases the buzz*

Roxton: Who, me?

Butler: Yes.

Roxton: Couldn't be.

Butler: Look, either take the message or leave it. Either way, I expect a tip.

Roxton: Bah, thieves… *grabs the message and reads it* Oooh, it's all fancy in cursive and stuff. Don't I feel special? :D

(Dramatic pulls-sunglasses-over-nose-maneuver to peruse the contents of the message)

Roxton: I say! Vacation's over, urchin. Let's get out of here.

Kougra (holding onto the buzz): I'm not an urchin. -_-

Roxton: Servant?

Kougra: Nope.

Roxton: Busboy?

Kougra: No.

Roxton: Sidekick?

Kougra: You're no superhero!

Roxton: I am God's gift to women. That's better than being a hero.

Kougra: …not that, either.

Roxton: Chicks dig the mustache.

Kougra: *cough* You mean pedostache *cough*

Roxton: Silence, urchin!

Kougra: My name is Jordie!

Buzz: LOLWUT

(TL;DR, Roxton and Urchin are in the Lunar temple where Old Gnorbu is being boring. Roxton is pimped out in his explorer gear and Urchin is wearing your stereotypical Chinese peasant hat. Because, you know, Shenkuu can totally be influenced by outside cultures from the real world. Way to make it believable, TNT.)

Gnorbu: Again, I'd like to express my great appreciation for your willingness to accept this mission.

Roxton: Yeah, I get it. Get to the point, plz?

Gnorbu: I assure you, circumstances in the weeks to come will rapidly become more and more dire.

Roxton: How dire are we talking? I won't lose my mustache, will I?

Gnorbu: Bringing someone of your caliber aboard, well… let's just say that settling for second best was an option I didn't want to consider.

Roxton: That bad, huh?

Gnorbu: Based upon my best interpretation of this tome, the journey of your party shall begin—

Roxton: Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean "based upon my best interpretation"? Are you saying you may not even be correct?

Gnorbu: That's right.

Roxton: So I could be placing myself in an extremely dangerous situation and possibly die or lose my mustache, and it would all be your fault?

Gnorbu: Yes. I can assure you that I would certainly be able to live with myself afterwards, so you need not worry about my moral regrets should you fail and die horribly.

Roxton: Pwn. Let's do it.

Gnorbu: You'll begin here—(points to an ancient map of Neopia)—in Shenkuu and proceed to the lands of Altador, Terror Mountain, and Faerieland…

Jordie: But we no fry! How we get to Faelierand?

Roxton: …the Hell? Since when do you talk like a…

Jordie: Fing pong fong dis hat make me talk rike I confuse my L's and my R's!

Roxton: You mean your R's and your L's?

Jordie: That's what I say! L and R!

Roxton: …right. Seriously, the spoof author is going to Hell for this.

Jordie: Sirence! You break fourth warr!

Roxton: Fourth war?

Jordie: No, forf warr!

Roxton: Furfwuh?

Jordie: Forfwa!

Roxton: Fuhblah blah?

Clara: Fourth wall. Idiot.

Gnorbu: Since I'm incapable of making such a voyage, my apprentice Clara will be making the journey with you and your urchin.

Jordie: NOT ULCHIN.

Roxton: With all due respect, Master, I'm not so sure that's a good idea. Clara here may be your star nerd, but this is no school field trip. There could be real danger…

Wocky (Clara): Like what.

Roxton: Like the inability to resist all this. ;D

Clara: Oh yeah. I can hardly contain myself.

Roxton: Don't try to hard to win my affections, now.

Clara: Bite me.

Roxton: You dig my 'stache. I saw you looking.

Gnorbu: Now, now, I am well aware of the risks, but I must insist… Miss Chatham is quite knowledgeable.

Clara: Yeah. Knowledgeable enough to steer clear of kooks like you.

Roxton: Don't deny the mustache. And the fluffy tail.

Clara: I'm not afraid of a little danger.

Roxton (muttering to Urchin): I have a bad feeling about this.

Jordie: Rady no rike you! You no have chance!

Gnorbu: Those are my terms, Mr. Colchester. Do we have a deal?

Roxton: Let's see. Danger, excitement and the chance to save the world…? Sounds like my kind of adventure. (shakes hands with Old Gnorbu)

(Scene changes to Clara, Roxton, and Urchin outside the temple)

Jordie (running off): Arright, I reave to pick up a few things. Be back soon!

Roxton: *tips hat to Clara* Well miss, I hope you know what you've gotten yourself into.

Clara: Funny, I was just wondering the same thing…

Roxton: You're feisty and independent. You must be a feminist and therefore not interested in men. No wonder my mustache had no effect on you!

Clara: Go die. *angry face*

Roxton: Don't deny the tension between us!

Clara: You're like, old enough to be my dad!

Roxton: Look past that! Look past that and focus only on our looooove!

Clara: GTFO.

Roxton: I'm going to keep bothering you like this until the next chapter.

Clara: *crosses arms* H8.