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Finding Who We Are

Chapter 1: Riku

Riku stepped off the train and into a torrential downpour. The only sign he gave at the sudden inconvenience was a small grimace, which was quickly schooled back into the stoic mask he wore like a security blanket. Before he could complain about the weather, he reminded himself that fewer people would be out in the rain, and fewer people meant fewer fearful glances in his direction. Gritting his teeth, Riku threw the hood of his coat over his hair and began to walk, head down as he wandered aimlessly.

The time between each footfall felt like a miniature eternity as he finally released the floodgates holding back his thoughts and let himself be swept away with the tide. As he turned random corners and trudged down dark alleys, he couldn't pretend any longer that everything was just as it had always been. He wasn't ok, no matter how many times he smiled and told Sora he was fine. No matter how many times he pretended he didn't see the worried looks the people in town gave him, or the looks of fear from the people who could sense the lingering darkness inside him. He wasn't ok, and he didn't know anymore if he ever could be. He couldn't sleep anymore; his dreams would always become nightmares in which the darkness he'd sealed away inside his heart broke free and destroyed everything… everyone... At night sometimes, he would sneak out of the house and go to the island. His, and Sora's, and Kairi's island. Sometimes it was all he could do to not just keep rowing right past it, far into the ocean, where he and his dark secret couldn't hurt anyone. Sometimes, he just waded into the water and stared at the horizon, hoping that he would see an answer floating out there. One day, he'd even called out for someone to help him. But there had been no answer; there were never any answers, so he'd given up searching. Now, all he wanted was for it to end. He didn't care how. So he'd left.

That afternoon, after school, he'd dropped his books of at his house, told his mom he was going over to Sora's, and gotten on the first train he saw that he didn't recognize the destination of. He hadn't really been paying attention to where it was going. It didn't really matter, anyway, as long as it wasn't home. Somewhere far away, he hoped as it had pulled out of the station. He'd stared out of the window and ignored the two old women pointing and whispering across the aisle. He'd pretending he hadn't been hurt when they'd changed seats at the first stop. By the second stop, it had started to rain, and he didn't recognize any of the sights flying past the window. It wasn't surprising, though. This was his first time taking the train off the islands, after all.

He'd stared blankly out the window, occasionally wondering if anyone had noticed he was missing yet, and what Sora would say when he'd realized Riku wasn't coming back. Even the hurt and pain he imagined in Sora's eyes were enough to make him hate himself. But not even the guilt of abandoning his family and friends was enough to make him turn back; not when it meant putting them in danger. He refused to be the reason they were hurt again. So he stared out the window, until the conductor announced the last stop and he'd had to get off. With nowhere to go, and no intention of going back the way he'd come, he just started walking with no plans to stop. If he was so lost that not even he knew where he was, then there would be no way for Sora or anyone to find him. With him gone, they would be safe. Sad, probably, and definitely angry, but safe. That was all that mattered to him anymore anyway. He was alright with fading into the shadows, as long as it meant his friends were ok.

Ahead, he saw the entrance to another alley, dark and isolated, and he decided that that would be the place he would disappear into and leave the world behind. It wasn't until he was right in front of the entrance that he noticed its occupant.

The woman was of slight build, with short, dark brown hair cut jaggedly and tipped with blue, tanned skin, and piercing green eyes. She wore a black, spider-webbed corset and flowing black skirt under a khaki trench coat, with a spiked dog collar and a silver pocket watch glinting faintly in the dim lighting. Riku noted with mild surprise the fact that the blue blanket she was sitting on appeared completely dry, as did she. The only things that appeared wet at all in the alley were the assortments of flowers spread around the woman, and himself. Her head turned at his footsteps, and as she looked past him, he belatedly realized she was blind. He somewhat guiltily turned to leave and find somewhere else to haunt when she spoke.

"Ah! Riku! I'm glad you were able to make it." He froze, turning back slowly and fighting the instinct to summon the keyblade. The woman was smiling serenely, but her gaze was just over his left shoulder. He had yet to say anything, and he thought he could slip away quietly without her noticing. Before he could move, however, the woman shrugged. "Feel free to leave now, if you like, but it would be rather counterproductive," she said lightly, face still turned toward Riku.

His eyes narrowed, and he took an almost involuntary step forward. "…Why…?" he asked cautiously. The woman's smile widened, and he was reminded vaguely of his mother.

"Because," she answered, "You were the one who called for me."

That was when Riku decided the woman must be crazy. He almost scoffed, resisting the urge to fold his arms. "Really? And when did I do that?" he shot back defensively. The woman shook her head slightly, her smile never wavering.

"Actually, you've called me many times, even when you didn't realize it. When you called me here, though, was the night three weeks ago, when you visited your island and shouted until you were hoarse for "somebody, anybody, to come and help you fix this". It took a while to get you out here, but… here we are. Sit down, hon, and tell me what it is you want help fixing."

This time Riku really did scoff. "What makes you think you can help me fix anything?" he demanded, angry and hurt for reasons even he couldn't name by this strange woman's cheerful manner and odd confidence.

"I know I can help you, Riku, because I am not just "anyone"," came the calm response.

Riku's eyes narrowed and he wondered for what felt like the thousandth time just how safe it was to be talking to some strange, crazy woman with flowers in a dark abandoned alley. "Oh, well, that's reassuring," he muttered sarcastically. Then, "Just who are you, anyway?" She smiled silently at him for a long enough time that he didn't think she would answer.

The answer that came was far from the one he had been expecting, but it was the one he'd been waiting to hear for years. "I am God."

The air rushed out of his lungs and his vision narrowed as his mind clamored that it was impossible, a lie. But his heart knew the truth, and his knees buckled as the impact of the situation slammed into him. He half-sat, half-collapsed on the blanket, his mouth dry and his hands shaking more than any battle, any threat of death had ever caused. He drew a shaky breath and tried to find his voice. "Hwaa…?" was all that came out. God just smiled and patted his arm.

"I know, dear. It can be a bit much to take in all at once. Perhaps it would be easier for you to call me by another name," she suggested, and Riku could only blink. There was a pause as she thought. "I know, why not one of the old names. How about El Elyon? El, for short, I think. Now, why don't you tell me what's wrong?"

Suddenly, a myriad of conflicting emotions bombarded Riku through his confusion; hope and betrayal, relief and pain, anger and love and desperation. Nowhere near sure where to begin or what to process first, he grabbed at the first and most familiar emotion and held on for dear life. "If you're really God, then don't you know what's wrong already?" he snapped angrily, flinching back from the petite woman before him that couldn't possibly be God.

God or not, the woman wasn't fazed at all by his bitter questions. "Of course I do. But do you?" At that, Riku paused. "Deep down, do you even really know what it is you're truly running from?" There was a long silence as Riku realized he couldn't answer that.

The answer he almost said instinctively was "the darkness hiding inside me", but while that might be what he'd told himself when he left home, he knew it wasn't the truth. He'd never feared the darkness. It was one of the reasons it had never been able to fully claim him; he'd always willingly accepted and used it. His second answer, by shear nature of being contrary, was "the light", but, again, he knew that was another lie. While he had used, accepted, and embraced the darkness, he had never fully let go of the light. It, too, was a part of him, and going from living in darkness to living in light wasn't enough of a change to terrify him to the point of running away. For a moment, he'd entertained the idea of answering "the way people look at me now", but it was discounted even faster than the other answers. While the looks of fear and disgust that a few people had given him since his return had hurt, yes, he didn't really care past fleetingly what anyone other than his friends and family thought about him. Another dozen answers came and were just as quickly dismissed. Finally, there were no other falsehoods to hide behind, and he had to admit the truth.

"Myself…"

God smiled. "Why?"

Again, Riku was stumped, and thought back to everything that had happened, everything he had felt, everything that made him wake up screaming in the middle of the night. "Be… Because I don't think I'm strong enough to protect everyone anymore… If something bad happens again, I don't know if I could protect them… I don't know if I 'd be strong enough to say no to the darkness again, and I'm scared that if I say yes, I'll be really lost to it this time… I feel like it's rising up inside me, just waiting for me to slip up and then it will just come rushing out and devour everything… I'm scared that I'm going to end up hurting the people I love again…" He didn't realize he was shaking until El reached over and took his hand.

"It's alright, son. I promise, you are strong enough to protect the ones you love. Trust the light inside you, and know that every time you feel it waver, I am with you, and I will not let it go out." Riku's grip on God's hand tightened as his eyes got mistier than he ever wanted to admit. Though nothing was said, Riku felt a tingling spreading from his hands that warmed him to his soul. After a moment, he sniffed, and God asked finally, "Now, what do you think you need to do?"

This time, there was only a brief pause before he answered. "Go home… and make sure the people I care about know I won't let anything happen to them again." This time Riku felt the smile before he saw it, and as he looked up into God's eyes, they looked back into his. He stared for a minute before he blurted "What-? How-?"

God smiled mischievously and winked. "I appear to you as you need to see me. When you arrived, you were blinded to your own heart, but now you can see clearly inside yourself. By seeing yourself clearly, you can see me clearly. And when you hide your heart away from the world, you blind me as well. Now that you have opened your eyes and your heart, you can see my love for you. So, look forward and fear nothing, my dear, dear child." God reached up and patted his cheek tenderly, and he smiled back at her. "Take this, and whenever you feel your doubts creeping back, look at it and know that I am with you," she added, handing him a white, perfect lily. He took it reverently.

That was when a familiar voice broke through the storm outside. "Ri—ku…!" Surprised, Riku stood and dashed to the street, almost running into Sora as he darted by. "Riku! There you are! I was looking everywhere for you! We were worried you ran away or something; you've been acting so weird lately and all… I'm so glad you're ok!" his best friend gushed, hugging him tightly.

Riku smiled and hugged him back. "Sorry to worry you. I was just… catching up with an old friend…" Sora glanced at the alley he'd run out of, then looked back at him curiously.

"There's no one there…" Riku turned to look, and laughed as he saw the patch of flowers sprouting through the pavement where the eccentric woman on the blue blanket had saved a part of him he'd thought was dead and called herself El.

"That's alright," he said with a smile. "She'll be back whenever you need her…" Because she hasn't really left at all… Before Sora could ask any more questions, Riku slung an arm over his shoulder and steered him back towards home. "Come on; we have a train to catch."

"Race ya!" Sora challenged, and slipped out from under his arm and took off down the street before Riku could say anything. Laughing, Riku ran after him, determined not to lose.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed it! Reviews are very much appreciated! Have an excellent day! :)