The SARA: Sirius Adores Remus Adorers

Chapter Two: Oooooh, Shite!

Remus awoke Thursday morning with the thought, '…Well… it appears I'll be losing my virginity Friday night.' His next thought was, 'Where's Sirius?' for his bed was cold and definitely felt empty. He glanced at the clock on his side table: 6.20 AM. The werewolf rolled onto his other side and saw a pale shoulder though a crack in the maroon curtains. Remus crawled to the foot of the bed and peaked out of the drapery.

Sirius was sat cross-legged on the floor in a white undershirt and dark blue boxers. The teen had a wrench in one hand and his wand in the other. He was working on his bike, cardboard boxes open with replacement parts scattered around in a half moon. He huffed and went back to work, wriggling the wrench between…

A smirk tugged at Remus's lips as he noticed his boyfriend's arousal. He loved knowing he had that affect on his mate. 'And I didn't even have to do anything. Just a smell,' his smirked widened to the smile. The blond leaned to the side to get a better look at Sirius's frustrated face. The black haired teen hadn't been sleeping all that well since the allure started and Remus could guess why.

The werewolf moved down on his bed; half on the mattress, half on his trunk. He crossed his arms and rested his chin on them. "How long've you been up, Padfoot?"

Sirius's shoulders tensed and he sighed, the whispered words quite affecting him. "'Up' as in 'awake' or as in 'my cock being harder than a fucking diamond'? Because I think there's a difference!" He looked back at his boyfriend with tired eyes and sighed, "Sorry, Remmie…" Sirius went back to his bike but after several seconds intoned, "The answer to those are 'five thirty' and 'since about noon on Monday'... respectively."

Remus laughed lightly. He pushed forward and pressed his lips to Sirius's as quickly as he could before rocking back into his original position. Sirius had been very… sensitive lately because of the allure so even such a quick pressing of lips had him moaning.

His eyes fluttered open and Sirius stared at Remus for a long moment.

"I'm sorry," Sirius finally said.

Remus quirked an eyebrow. "Sorry for what, Sirius?"

Sirius stared down at his hands. Twirling his wand about in his right, the young animagus finally sighed and replied, "Last month you said you wanted to take his relationship at your pace and then suddenly everything falls to shit for a week and we have until tomorrow night. I hardly doubt that's 'your pace'." When Remus didn't reply Sirius continued, "And, I mean, if you find some way to put a stay on this, then I guess I can't really—"

Interrupting, Remus asked, "Sirius, are you serious?"

Sirius whipped his head around and fixed Remus with a look that was half indignant and half hurt. "Of course I'm serious! And I don't mean that as in my name! Remus," the name came out almost as a whine, "if you don't want to do this then—"

"As sweet as that notion is, Sirius, there's no option in this: it's part of being a werewolf and part of being a werewolf's mate." An insulted look passed over Remus's features but there was an underlying taunt that Black missed. "Are you saying you don't want to be my mate?"

In seconds Sirius was kneeing in front of Remus, hands running through his hair and cupping his chin. "No, no. I do." Sirius said as he pressed his lips to his mate's. "I want to be your mate. More than anything, but I also don't want this to seem like I'm rushing you."

"You aren't," his hands fisted in Sirius's shirt and they kissed again. Remus caught Sirius's bottom lip in his mouth and dragged it between his teeth, sucking on the muscle slightly. The animagus moaned immediately, a hand tightening in the werewolf's hair as he pushed Remus into a kneeling position on the bed, crawling over the trunk and onto the mattress as he went. Sirius pushed the other teen back onto the bed and settled between his legs.

A dark figure walked in the shadowy halls of Hogwarts. Paintings barely noted him, students didn't glance a second time. He was almost invisible. Almost. Except for the fact he was humming. Loudly.

"Nuh, nuh-nuh-nuh-nuuuuuuh! Nuh-nuh! Nuh-nuh-nuh nuh! Tooduu tooduu tooduu tooduu! Buuuuuuhduuuuuuh! Uh!" He froze against the wall as a ghost moved past, obliviously.

The figure moved on to a different section of wall and leaned against the space between two paintings. These paintings were of Marie de Fredonne, the Hummer, and Juliusi L'Oratore, the Speaker. These were the two greatest gossips in all of Hogwarts.

Growing serious, the Shadow Man hummed with a smirk and brushed his straight fringe off of his brow.

"I have some information that you two lovely ladies might find interesting, but first I need something in return," his smooth voice issued.

The two paintings took notice of him now and both smiled. "And what is this information of which you speak? Hmmm?" Marie de Fredonne inquired.

Shadow Man's smirk widened to a smile, his teeth seeming to glow. "It is of the highest quality, my lady; concerning the pure blood family Black."

"Oooh," They both chorused, intrigued.

"But I need some," the man paused, "information gathered by you two sirens first."

"About?" Juliusi L'Oratore leaned forward in the painting. The motion was disconcerting because she didn't move any closer to the shadowy figure; she just got larger in the frame.

The Shadow Man smiled, arms now crossed as he leaned against the wall. "Everything you can gather about Remus Lupin."

"Oh, we can do that. Hmmm."

"But there's a clause."

"Yes? Hmmm?" Marie pressed.

"Everything you find about Remus Lupin will be told to my ears only. If I hear that you have told another soul, living, dead, or painted, I will burn your frames."

Both painting paled considerably. "You have our word."

"Hmmm," Marie agreed.

The dark figure smirked, "Good. Thank you. I'll be back on the twentieth of February."

"Hmmm," Marie de Fredonne nodded. "This had best the highest quality."

"Don't question me!" The figure growled with a snap and stormed away, back into a shadow.

The two paintings squeaked and hurried away; frightened of the dark figure, but willing to do his bidding, for fear of their frames being destroyed. The frames held their spirits and burning would destroy them, unlike slashing or other forms of maiming.

"Buh-duh! Duh-duh-duh-duh! Duh-DUH!!!!!"

James awoke to moaning …again. It was the third morning in row when his alarm clock turned out not to be his clock at all, but Remus and Sirius rutting against each other in a desperate need to get off.

The young teen Potter gave a groan of his own but this one was thoroughly annoyed, not one lost in ecstasy.

"Didn't we learn Silencing Charms in, ooooh, second year?" he asked the air.

A mumble from the next bed over answered. Peter stuck his head out his curtains and said, "Yeah, first term, at that."

James gave another self-pitying groan and rolled out of bed onto the floor. "Oi!" he yelled. "Lovebirds! Get a room!"

Said lovebirds gave several giggles (which they would latter claim to be manly chuckles) and one found a wand and cast the spell of which the two loveless spoke.

James rolled his eyes and said to Peter, "I'm going to shower… and pretend I woke up to the buzzing of that thing." He jabbed a finger toward his Alarm Clock of Unholy Doom and Damnation before heading off to the bathroom. The Alarm Clock of Unholy Doom and Damnation was given to him by Lily Evens herself. So, even though it scared the pants off James every time it shrilled, to get rid of it was sacrilege.

By the time James finish with his shower three others were going. 'Good,' he thought, 'that means I can dress without Pads and Moony practicing their opera. I should brush my teeth first… Oh, Lily, if you knew how deep my love for you—OH GOD! IT'S CHOKING ME! MY TOOTHBRUSH IS TRYING TO ASSINATE ME!!!' James tried not to throw up in the sink.

"I don't know, Alice. I mean, what if he gets the wrong idea? I mean, I wanna sit with Remus 'cause Remus got hurt over break and whatnot, but James will think it's 'cause I wanna sit next to him. I mean," Lily sighed, "what if he does get the wrong idea and just starts going after me stronger! That would be terrible! I mean—"

"Lily!" Alice finally yelled, grabbing her friend by her shoulders and shaking her. "Since when did you suddenly start caring about what Potter thought?! And why have you been calling him 'James' since break ended? And if you care so much then maybe you want him to chase after you more."

Lily gaped. "I do not!" she said slowly and with an affronted manner. She wrenched herself from Alice's grasp and continued on her way to lunch. "That's riDICulous!"

Alice laughed from the stairs and hurried down to catch up with her friend. "How about this?" she suggested as they neared the Great Hall, "We both go sit with them, so you have backup (should anything happen) and James"—she said the name mockingly—"will know not to try anything."

Lily pursed her lips and gave Alice a hard stare before nodding. "Okay," she said with a nod, "okay."

When they finally entered the Hall and spotted the unruly mop of black hair that meant 'JAMES POTTER!', Lily decided that maybe sitting with the Marauders was a Bad Idea. The first clue was their still unusual seating arrangement (Remus across from James, James next to Sirius, and Sirius across from Peter. It was very unsettling the first day she saw it and she immediately asked, 'Did you two get divorced or something? You two never sit apart.' to which James said, 'Remus's rabid rabbit is out of hannnnnduh and….. mauling …a person….?'). The second clue was that Sirius was bent over his plate, hair pooling on the surface, his right hand on the table… which usually meant planning, which usually led to pranks, which usually led to HELL ON EARTH! The third clue wasn't really needed but was nice to note, James was doing homework, which meant he'd be distracted, which meant Lily could talk to Remus without his really noticing at first.

"Good, that's good," she mumbled as she nodded to herself.

Alice grabbed her elbow and led her down the aisle between tables. "We need Confident!Lily right now, please. We can't have Potter guessing insecurity!" The shorter girl hissed.

Lily nodded again and straightened her shoulders. The red head walked up behind Remus and Peter and rapped Peter on the shoulder a couple times. "Scoot," she ordered when Peter turned to her.

"Uhm… okay." Peter moved over and Lily sat next to Remus as Alice waited for Peter to edge over even more so she could sit as well.

"How are you doing today, Remus?" Lily asked after a new plate appeared before her.

Remus glanced at her sideways, a small smirk forming. "I should be all better"—the werewolf reached for his goblet—"by Saturday morning."

Sirius made a strangled sound in the back of his throat and Remus snorted into his pumpkin juice.

"Sorry, Padfoot," Remus giggled, "I couldn't resist."

"You're so mean to me," the animagus whined, head still on the table.

Alice knocked her hand against Lily's shoulder, "Maybe you should be more worried about Black's wellbeing, not Remus's."

"HA!" Sirius yelled loudly, "I'm fiiiiine! Louis and I are just peachy! Je! Voudrais! Une bibliothèque!"

Half the Great Hall was now staring at Sirius's hunched form… except James, because he had a thirty-seven centametre essay due in the next hour, into which he was only seven words.

"Whoa," Alice broke the silence first, "you needa calm down."

Somehow, Sirius managed to hunch his shoulders, the fight pouring out of him. "I know, it's just…" he sighed and finally straightened his back. He pushed his hair out of his face and huffed, exposing a reddish-purple bruise on the left side of his lower lip.

"Whoa," it was Alice again, "what happened to your face?"

Sirius frowned at the table in contemplation. "I got mauled by a shark this morning," he finally said. He looked up and saw Lily opening her mouth so he raised a hand to stop her. "Don't ask."

The red head frowned.

"What's that in your hand?" Alice asked, pulling the who group's attention to Sirius's right hand. He held it lightly over what appeared to be a glowing, red, translucent blob.

"Uhhh…" Sirius raised his hand and stared at the blob (now in his palm) with Alice, Lily, Remus, and Peter. He scrutinized the glob with narrowed eyes. "I don't know…" he said slowly, "I pinched it from the potions room."

Remus's response was to inhale sharply and close his eyes, telling himself that Sirius did not deserve to be forced into celibacy until his brain returned (at this moment). It would have just been too cruel.

Peter's was to stare in awe and wonder at how cool Sirius was.

Alice and Lily's eyes widened and both immediately started talking about how dangerous it was to just steal random things from classrooms and, actually, how he just shouldn't pinch things AT ALL.

"But look at this!" Sirius exclaimed and he gently poked his finger into the side of the blob. The blob shivered and let out a small musical sound like chimes. "I've named him," the teen smiled cheerfully, "Louis! And, yes, you have to pronounce the 's'!"

"Oh, wow! That's so cool! Can I hold it?"

"Psssh! No! Louis is mine, Damiani! Get your own!"

Alice glared. "You pinched it, Black! So Louis isn't yours!"

"Is too!" Sirius snuggled Louis the Blob closer to his shoulder, away from Alice's grabby hand.

"Is not!"

"Is so too!"

Meanwhile, Lily had turned back to Remus and had started up a conversation about their long lost vampire buddy.

"So, basically, it all boils down to Richard is still out looking for Vite and last you heard they were in Bulgaria somewhere?"

Remus thought a moment, placing his elbow on the table and supporting his head on his hand. "Basically." He thought again, "And Rachel's busy with school again. And apparently one of her guy friends at Uni has been really sweet on her recently."

"WHAT?" Lily's eyes widened as she gaped. "Really?"

Remus nodded, "Yeah, I don't know his name, but she really likes him. In her last letter I could barely read her writing she was so excited to be talking about him."

"Wow… she hasn't mentioned him to me… yet. I haven't gotten a reply from my last letter yet."

"Hey," a distracted voice called, "what's it called when the star is inside the circle and all the words are written in Old Celtic?"

Remus stared at James like he was an idiot. "A rune?" he said in the same manner.

"OH, MY GOD! NO! DON'T TOUCH LOUIS!!!"

Attention was drawn to where Alice was standing. She was trying to reach the blob, but Sirius had stood as well and was take steps away from the table.

"Look, I just want too—"

"FLY! LOUIS! FLY!!" And Sirius chucked the blob as far across the Great Hall as he could. Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on your perspective), Louis nailed poor little Snivellus right in the back of the head. "YES!" Sirius pumped his fists in the air. "Did you see that?!" he whapped James with the back of his hand, still staring at the blob.

"See what?" James finally looked up and peered at the general direction that Sirius was pointing. His eyes found the red blob as it slowly melting into Snape's hair. There appeared to be smoke rising from his scalp and the man himself seemed to be hissing in pain. James's eyes widened behind his spectacles, "Is it supposed to be doing that?"

"Erm…" Sirius crossed his arms and tipped his head to the side. "I don't actually know. I knicked it during potions."

James looked up the aisle at the head table. "Oh, shite! McGonagall, Sirius! McGonagall! Run!"

Sirius's head snapped the way James was pointing. His face paled and he was about to take James's advice but a harsh shout stopped him.

"Mister Black!"

Sirius froze, fear gripping his heart like a vice. "Wh-why, hello Minnie. Might I say you are looking lovely today?"

"No you may not!" She glared, her lips tightening. However, as she grabbed Sirius by the shoulder, you could hear her mutter, "Leastways, not now." And so Sirius was dragged from the Great Hall to the Headmaster's Office.

Remus glanced sideways at Lily, then over at Snape, where his hair seemed to be burning off. "Oops," he muttered.

Sirius paced the length of Dumbledore's office for what must have been the six hundredth time. His heart was pounding and he really didn't know what would happen to him now. He'd seen what that thing was doing to Snape's head and if it did that to hair, what if it did the same to skin? What if he'd just killed the man?

"Shite," Sirius ran hand through his hair as he turned yet again. He sighed and finally decided, "Well, at least I'm not nursing a hard on just by sitting next to Remus. UHG!"

Sirius scrubbed at his scalp and stopped his pacing. Standing in the middle of the room he saw the past headmasters of Hogwarts' portraits peering down at him, as well as two women he'd never seen before. He squinted at them. "What do you want?" he snapped and they backed off. It probably also helped that the door to the office swung open at that moment.

Standing still, Sirius watched as Dumbledore walked solemnly to the chair behind his desk and sat down silently. He appeared to be thinking about something, eyebrows drawn together.

Seconds ticked by and Sirius began to wonder if Dumbledore even knew he was there. Sirius had opened his mouth to speak when the Headmaster beat him to it.

Raising a hand, the old man motioned to the chair. "Do sit down, Sirius, no need for you to stand there awkwardly."

Sirius thunk-ed down harshly, eyes wide, hair falling over his face.

"Now," Dumbledore started, "I understand that you and Mr. Lupin are…"

If Sirius had been in his right mind (and with proper company) he would have finished that sentence for Dumbledore with an 'Illustrious love affair?' But he wasn't in his right mind and he was with company that saying that might be a little awkward… considering Dumbledore was nearing one thousand… as far as Sirius was concerned.

"…engaging in a relationship of a romantic nature."

Sirius started to get scared. Wasn't he here to get a lecture and six years of detention? Wasn't Dumbledore going to start telling him he was two seconds from being expelled for stealing and searing off Snivellus's hair? What was going on?

The teen nodded anyway, slowly and stiffly. "Yeeeeess…"

"Hmm," Dumbledore nodded and, placing his elbows on the table, steepling his hands. "I see."

You ever get that feeling that you should run or hide under a rock before something really bad happens? Sirius was experience that tenfold. And then some. With a dash of More flavored sprinkles on top.

"And you have been aware of his lycanthropy since second year, correct?"

Sirius shifted and cleared his throat. "…Yeah."

Dumbledore nodded again, "Then am I also correct in assuming that since he is not ill at the moment that you are his mate?"

There was a red neither dark nor bright enough to describe Sirius's cheeks the moment after that question was posed. Sirius cleared his throat and nodded, rearranging himself in the plush chair.

"Good," Dumbledore smiled brightly. "There are a few things I want to explain to you."

'Oh, dear God…'

"Being the mate of a magical creature is a very big responsibility, Sirius." Dumbledore reached down and grabbed at something behind his desk. He drew up a giant tome, hand shaking at the weight, and held it out for Sirius to take. "Now, I want you to read this front to back."

Sirius blinked several times in rapid succession. It was Werewolves: Everything You'll Soon Learn You Didn't Really Need to Know about the Species.

"There are a few points I wanted to highlight, given your reputation."

The blood drained from Sirius's face to his toes. 'No, please God. I'll start praying. I'll be religious. Anything!'

"Now, this is a condom."

Sirius realized, then, that the laces of his right shoe were entirely too interesting. But obviously not interesting enough, given that a phrase or a sentence would still run into his head and refuse to more until a new came in a took its place.

"…they even come in flavors!..."

"…first full moon, Remus won't change fully give the allure and subsequent bonding. That would be weird…"

"…all werewolves can bear young, but most are infertile. Even so, protection first, baby second…"

"…and then you take the turkey baster and the bowls…"

"…which is why you shouldn't wear yellow on Tuesdays…"

"…when I was a little girl…"

"…now, there aren't any birth control pills for males, let alone male werewolves, so it's best to use protection! Every time…"

"…and that's why people in Australia are upside-down…"

"…which is why you want to use three fingers instead of two…"

"…Oh! How terribly rude of me! Lemon drop?..."

"…don't forget the lube!..."

"…take these condoms!..."

"…and that's how you make a pesto!..."

"And that's all Sirius. Class seems to be over, so you can go back to your Common Room."

Sirius suddenly found himself standing in front of Mrs. McGonagall. "Are you sure it's wise not to give him a detention, Professor?"

"Oh," Dumbledore hmm-ed, "I'm sure with the little talk we just had, it was punishment enough. Wasn't it, Mr. Black?"

Sirius jumped at being addressed, "YES! I'll never steal again! Promise!"

"Good, Good." Dumbledore patted his shoulder and Sirius practically ran off when he was able.

James ripped off his book bag and threw it angrily onto his bed.

By the door, Remus heaved a sigh and rolled his eyes. "James, seriously?"

James whipped around and threw his friend a wide-eyed shocked look. "YES! Seriously! Remus! If you'd been chasing Sirius for years and he decided to sit with us one day at lunch I'd tell you about it!"

Remus rolled his eyes again. "You were working on an assignment and I doubt, if she liked you at all, she'd want your grades to suffer on her account."

"I don't care about my grades! It's Lily! I care about her! And you weren't being a good friend and telling me she was there!"

After mumbling something about children, Remus said, "Alright, I'm sorry. Next time I'll be a better friend and tell you when ever she's in sight."

"Thank you!" James set his jaw and grabbed his bag off his bed. "I'm going to go study in the common room." He pulled out several books, scrolls of parchment, quills and an ink well. He marched out of the room defiantly, slamming the door as he left.

Remus sighed yet again, placing one hand at his hip and the other to pinch at the bridge of his nose as he tipped his head back, muttering, "So childish." After several seconds he relaxed and shook his head. Remus, who'd never had time to take his book bag off, followed James into the common room.

The werewolf stopped at the bottom of the stairs and looked around. "James!" he yelled.

A whirlwind of hair black picked up to reveal James's face. "What?" he snapped.

Remus smirked. He lifted his arm and pointed to a corner of the room that Lily frequented. "Lily's sitting at the desk in the corner."

The red head across the room looked up at the mention of her name.

James's eyes narrowed in annoyance and he hissed out, "Thanks!" before returning to his course work.

Lily, realizing this was clearly the conversation they'd been having since lunch ended, rolled her eyes and returned to her work.

Remus gave a half hearted sneer. He was more than a little annoyed that not telling James Lily joined them for lunch got the other boy's knickers in such a twist. The feeling of aggravation was just compounded by the fact that he also had not seen Sirius since lunch and a very animalistic part of him wanted his mate. Now. Remus was so annoyed that he took up a whole table and glared at anyone brave enough to ask for a seat. Of course, this lead to people whispering about how he was acting a lot like he did closer to the moon (though, without them really saying the cause was the moon. His secret was still safe).

With two hours before supper, the door to the Common Room opened and James, sitting in a way so he could see whomever entered (he was serving as watch), gapped at the new comer.

"Oh, my God," he whispered as he stood. This drew the attention of almost the whole room. Onto the form of a very, very, very ashen Sirius. A very, very, very ashen Sirius who was carrying a very, very, very large book under one arm. …Which begged the question, in James's mind, if Sirius got lost in the library and was attacked by books until they brainwashed him into joining their cause to take over all young, vibrant minds and turn them into brainless book worms? Like they had Remus. …Only it didn't take to Sirius as well as it had to Remus and he was suffering 'Brain Washed by Books' Rejection Syndrome.

Sirius began walking into the room as mindlessly as he had walked back from the Headmaster's office. He was drawn out of his funk when a hand grabbed his elbow. He was turned and he blinked at the worried face.

"Sirius, are you okay?"

The boy blinked again. "Remus?"

"Sirius? Are you okay?"

Sirius's right bottom eyelid spasmed, "No," he shook his head softy. "I… I think…"

James grabbed his shoulder. "Sirius," he started, "what, happened?"

Eyebrows knotting together tightly, Sirius tipped his head to the side. After several false starts he finally managed, "I think… Dumbledore just gave me the talk."

James's face said "I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!" and Remus's said "Uuuuh… really?"

James spoke first, "Like… as in, The Talk? Like, the"—his voice lowered—"sex talk?"

Sirius nodded. Awareness returning, he cleared his throat and whispered, "And a recipe for chicken pesto, I think."

TBC!!! (Updates won't always come this fast…)

Hmmm… Peter in that tutu will come later, 'kay? And who can guess the identity of our merry mystery Shadow Man?

Also, …do you guys think this is getting too random/crazy/spastic? Would you like it to return to a more serious level? Or are you fine with this? Hahaha, Dumbledore. I wrote that with his Puppet Pal voice in my head.

Anyway… our clubs should return soon, okay? Once Sirius gets over his slight trauma. :)