Chapter 24

Mai sat across from her husband, her face void of emotion. She watched her husband fidget, clearly feeling agitated but she did not feel inclined to care. Right now she wanted to feel nothing. Right now, she wanted to be in her room, in her bed, lying awake staring at nothing. She wanted to shut off her emotions and be free of this emotional rollercoaster but that simply wasn't an option. She was the Fire Lady. She had a role to play, she a position to uphold, and she had a marriage to save. Her mother had urged her to pull herself together and put on a good show for the court. She had been forced into her most regal robes and thrust from her rooms with little care for her earlier breakdown.

"Enough of your foolishness, enough! You are the Fire Lady, now assert yourself!" Masora had shouted at her as she tied Mai's obi.

Mai felt a twinge of pain in her cheek as the remembered the sharp slap her mother had delivered to snap her out of her self-pitying daze. "You won't behave like this when Zuko arrives. You will not embarrass yourself or this family further."

'But I am not embarrassing myself. He is embarrassing me. He is betraying me.' Mai thought angrily as she continued to stare across from her at Zuko.

They were sharing brunch on the balcony of Zuko's room, though neither had touched their food. With the exception of servants periodically coming in to see if there were any plates to take away, they were alone. His distraction and agitation irritated her to no end. It was clear that he was here out of obligation. The corners of her lips turned down slightly in disgust as she thought of how desperately he probably wanted to be away from her and back with his lover.

"Something wrong Mai?" Zuko finally asked, taking her expression to be a look of illness rather than disgust.

"I only wondered if you were well, my lord? You don't seem like yourself at all." She said dispassionately, her tone was almost sarcastic.

Zuko frowned at her response. He couldn't miss the look of repugnance in her eyes nor did he miss the mockery in the way she called him 'my lord.'

"I am well enough. I'm just a little distracted by some things going on at court." Zuko replied in an empty tone. He was careful to maintain a neutral expression as he said this though his heart squeezed tightly as he thought of Katara's words again.

"What events?" Mai asked, face remaining expressionless.

"Nothing for you to worry about you seem to be stressed enough and you really must try to be calm for the next couple of months." Zuko said with a forced smile.

"Oh Zuko, you can tell me what's bothering you. I am your wife therefore I should be in your council as I once was. Don't you remember when you used to tell me everything? I want to know what is worrying you. Perhaps I can help." Mai replied with a bittersweet smile.

"You ought to focus on your pregnancy Mai. You don't need to trouble yourself with senseless court affairs. My troubles will pass." Zuko mumbled staring at his plate.

"So then it is not a deep concern about the country that is distracting you?" Mai persisted, eyes narrowing.

Zuko hesitated but then answered honestly. "No, it is not."

"What then? The waterbender? I noticed she has been more withdrawn lately. Have you two had a fight?"

"No, she has been ill recently but not fight." Zuko responded, preferring the half truth to an outright lie. It was common knowledge around the court through the rumors that Zuko's councilors had started that Katara was homesick and not feeling well at all. It was easy to believe since she kept to her rooms and was often sick in the mornings from her pregnancy. Mai didn't need to know more than that. Katara leaving him wasn't her problem and revealing that they were fighting would only bring up more questions which might lead to a truth he felt Mai was in no condition to handle.

"Perhaps she ought to spend some time away then." Mai shrugged.

"Away?" Zuko frowned. He didn't need to be reminded of what it was that Katara claimed she wanted. It pained him to think about it. He was starting to feel ill and really wished this brunch was over. He had no desire to be here. He didn't want to see anyone right now. He needed to talk to Katara but she wouldn't see him. He needed time to devise a plan to calm her down and win her back. More than anything, he wanted to lie in his bed and be miserable for a while. He wanted most desperately to not be sitting with his wife while he was in agony over another woman. He shook his head silently at the cruel joke his life was rapidly becoming.

"Well, you certainly don't want to catch whatever she has and even I know that she hasn't been attending council meetings of late. We shouldn't allow her to start an epidemic." Mai sniffed, feeling the need to be cruel after the way Zuko winced when she mentioned sending Katara away. "I certainly shouldn't be around her. We wouldn't want any harm to come to the baby now would we?"

"Mai, I highly doubt she will start an epidemic. She is merely exhausted. Her position has been hard work and she is adjusting to a new climate and different foods. So many changes puts a lot of strain on the body."

"Really? Her position doesn't seem so hard to me and she's certainly been here long enough to be used to our food. Perhaps it is not her work for the court that tires her so..." Mai paused leaving the statement open to interpretation. She flashed a sarcastic smile at Zuko before stabbing into a chunk of fruit. She felt mildly satisfied watching the juices bleed out.

Zuko stared at her and then the piece of fruit. 'Does she know?' He wondered. After all, there were spies everywhere at court. He wouldn't be all that surprised if she knew. It was however odd that she wouldn't have called him on it point blank if someone had told her. He watched her closely for a minute and then decided to play it safe until he knew more of what she was getting at.

"What are you saying Mai?" He asked slowly, suspiciously.

"Nothing, I am only suggesting that if she finds life here so strenuous she ought to return to where she came from. I could easily do her job. You have more than enough advisors and she's apparently miserable. You shouldn't have to suffer her complaints after you've been so gracious to her."

"She has done a lot of good for the country." Zuko countered, keeping his face neutral. "She's got great insights into the needs of the other nations and is a true asset to our foreign policy council. She sees things from a perspective that none of my other councils could even begin to imagine. It's a perspective that you don't have either, since you were born and raised in the Fire Nation."

"I think she has too much influence, especially for an outsider." Mai shrugged.

"An outsider?" Zuko echoed.

"Yes!"

"Mai, she is our friend and the key benefit to adding her to the council is that she's not from the fire nation. She's not biased and she's by far the most honest person in the room."

"Perhaps she is your friend and perhaps once she was mine but all I see now is a social climber. What happened to the Avatar? Did he tire of caring for such a malcontent little girl? Is that why he left her here?"

Zuko flinched at the mention of the Avatar. He could feel his temper rising as Mai continued to insult the woman he loved. A part of him was blaming Mai for Katara being so upset which was making it difficult for him to maintain his composure. After everything that had happened so far today this was definitely a conversation he shouldn't be having because there was only so long he could filter his responses.

"You are angry because she is not royalty? You can't be her friend because she's not from the fire nation? And she is certainly not a child, especially in comparison to Aang! He didn't leave her here. She stayed by choice." Zuko snapped.

"No, Zuko! No, I am angry because she is a whore!" Mai shouted.

The two sat in silence following Mai's outburst. They glared at each other angrily. Zuko was slightly shocked that she had finally brought it up but also somewhat relieved that she was bringing it up because keeping everything inside was driving him insane. He had wondered when this fight would occur between them. It was insanity that they had gone for so long without this fight in light of all the gossip swirling around the court. The timing was terrible for them to finally be having this confrontation due to his already raised emotions but at the same time it might be good for him to get this out of the way. Unfortunately, he could scarcely remember all the things he had planned to say to keep the situation under control to protect the baby when they had this show down. He had so been hoping this would happen during a less volatile trimester.

Mai was breathing harshly trying to reign in her emotions. She looked away from Zuko to get a hold of herself. She couldn't let him see her break. His defense of Katara made her feel ill. She looked back at him and could see the anger in his face. She hadn't seen such fury in quite some time, especially not directed at her. A soft gasp escaped her as she recognized that she may have pushed him too far. Without a thought she brought a hand to her belly as if to guard herself from whatever words he would attack her with.

Zuko opened his mouth prepared to snap back when he noticed Mai's unconscious protective gesture and suddenly he felt defeated. This was insanity. How could he yell at her right now? She was at her most vulnerable and he'd be in a worse state if he caused her to lose their baby because of his bad mood. They couldn't have this fight right now. He needed to calm her down. He needed to maintain his temper. He had to remember that she was highly emotional right now. He balled his hands into fists and took a deep breath and then released both slowly trying to calm down. He had to remember that Mai was actually the victim here not him. He was hurt but he was hurting her worse at the end of the day.

"She's not a whore, Mai." Zuko said quietly, after some time. He kept his eyes on the table in case there were any signs of guilt there.

"Zuko, I'm not a fool. I've seen the way the men of this court follow after her and she does nothing to dissuade them. In fact she encourages their attention. She is the ring leader for wanton behavior." Mai snorted, forgetting her decision to not push so hard as soon as he began defending Katara again.

"Don't be jealous Mai. She is young and beautiful; men will be attracted to her whether she wants their attention or not. That doesn't make her a whore. She can't control them. The women here are all jealous of her and so she keeps company with men. She has always been surrounded by more men than women that's not strange to her and it doesn't make her a whore."

"I am jealous of no one, least of all her." Mai spat, highly insulted by the suggestion that Katara might be better than her in any way.

"You have always been a jealous woman, Mai. Let's be honest about that. It is simply in your nature to want to be the most sought after woman at court and it makes sense because you are beautiful. There is no doubt about it. The fascination men have with her exotic appearance will not last forever and you will be the favorite of the court again. Katara is a passing fancy because she is different. The men of this court have had years to admire you."

"It is not the court's favor that I seek because you are right their fascination will pass." Mai grumbled.

"Then you are simply calling her a whore out of spite? You've just decided not to like her because she's not from the fire nation and because she's pretty?" Zuko burst out feeling frustrated again. He was finding it increasingly difficult to try to keep this on a path that led to a peaceful resolution. He wanted Mai to just say she hated Katara and leave it at that but he couldn't be silent as she kept on insulting the younger woman.

Mai ground her teeth, tired of this lengthy, pointless dialogue. She raised her eyes to his and held his gaze steadily. She challenged him with her hard stare. It made her even angrier that he held her gaze so steadily and she could find no remorse in his eyes. She saw nothing but irritation sparking in his golden gaze.

"What reason do I truly have to be jealous, as you have accused me? I couldn't care less about the desires of the men at court. I am a married woman so what cause do I have for jealousy when my beloved husband is so loyal and loving towards me?" She demanded.

Zuko frowned. He was caught off guard by the question for it was less of a question, more of an accusation. It was a spot on and well deserved accusation but there was no way this was going to end as he hoped with them agreeing to disagree over Katara's presences at court. Mai was digging for the truth. Zuko's eyes dropped to her belly as he contemplated how to answer her.

"What cause do I have?" Mai yelled, angry that he didn't respond right away.

Taking a deep breath, Zuko chose his answer carefully knowing what it was she was really after. In his mind he kept reminding himself that he had to protect their baby which meant he couldn't get Mai overly riled up by whatever response he gave. "Well, you will have heard some talk about her and me. The court is abuzz with these rumors and has been for some time."

"Naturally, the whole court if not the entire country has heard the talk Zuko." Mai snarled.

"That would make you jealous. It would make any woman jealous and it's only been reinforced by the way the men of the court look at her."

"Only because you look at her too and do not deny it Zuko because that would just be an insult to my intelligence." Mai said holding up a hand when Zuko opened his mouth to speak. "Still, if you can assure me that there is no other basis for these rumors then I have no reason to be jealous and we can be in agreement that it would be ridiculous for me to be jealous of that woman."

"You don't really think it has gone beyond that." Zuko scoffed, avoiding answering.

"I won't contemplate it, if you will tell me that it is not true." Mai deadpanned.

"Mai, you can't possibly believe the court rumor mill. It's always buzzing with some sort of embellished story. It'll do you no good in your state to be listening to gossip."

"If you can assure me that the rumors haven't a grain of truth to them, no matter the extravagance, then I will not listen." Mai intoned, refusing to back down. "I have heard plenty of gossip in the time that we have been married but none so bad as this and it is so frequently repeated. I have to wonder why the story has not passed on to something more interesting. Why is everyone so stuck on this if it isn't true?"

"I think it is a very poor choice for you to listen to such base talk." Zuko said looking away from her. He wondered how long he could avoid answering her question.

"I'm not listening to them; I am listening to you, right here, right now. I am listening very carefully at this very moment and you haven't answered my question, Zuko. Tell me right now, can you swear to me, on your honor, that you are not in love with Katara and that you have not and are having an affair with her nor thinking of leaving me for her?"

"Why would you even ask me that?" Zuko spluttered after a long pause. 'Why do you want so desperately to hurt yourself? To hurt our baby? She must know this conversation can lead nowhere good by now since she's so set on it and can see how desperately I'm trying not to answer.'

"Because I need to know, Zuko; I need you to say it. Do you or do you not want to replace me with Katara as everyone is saying?" Mai demanded.

"Mai, I'm sure you would never consent to stepping aside even if it had crossed my mind." Zuko said, exasperated by the entire conversation. He was devastated over Katara's desire to leave him. He didn't need this right now. In light of the current situation it didn't seem that it would make much difference what he wanted either way.

Mai's entire body was frozen. She stared at his face taking deep breaths and holding back the urge to vomit. Her hands curled into tiny fists and then she released them. She felt angry tears pricking the backs of her eyes. She grasped the edges of the table trying to hold on to her composure.

"Mai…" Zuko said quietly suddenly noticing how rigid her body had gone. 'Oh gods.' Zuko thought, glancing around for a lingering servant. They had vacated the area quietly towards the beginning of the fight but now he was contemplating shouting for them. 'If I have caused a miscarriage…' He panicked, watching his wife closely, waiting for any indication that she needed assistance. "Mai, I'm so so-"

She could hear the apologetic tone of his voice so she cut him off before he could sooth her into ignoring what he had just said. "Enough, Zuko, enough of this. I just want the truth. I am sick and unhappy. I can't keep doing this, living with the lies and the rumors that seem so very true. Just tell me the truth; do you want to be rid of me? Do you plan to replace me? You owe me at least that."

"Mai, what are you thinking? Why do you keep asking me this? What does it matter? You are my wife. We have been together all of these years, why now?"

"I just want to know if you want to be released from our marriage vows. Do you feel that I am no longer the wife you want, the wife you need, after so many years? We have no children, save the child within me now, and perhaps that is why your feelings have changed if that is the case. I want you to tell me now, if you had the chance to do it all over again, would you still choose me or is there someone else? And if the answer is someone else, please tell me honestly, do you want to separate? Do you want to be with her now? I can't keep hearing these things and worrying that they are true. These rumors are more poisonous to our child than hearing the truth because they make me crazy. They make me pace and worry and feel wretched, all the time now I feel wretched and I want it to end so tell me what you want. Tell me the truth now."

Zuko was silent. He was no fool. It was clear to him that she was not backing down from this and he could no longer avoid it. He should feel guilty. He should feel lower than low. He had been caught outright and he couldn't lie any more. He should feel truly relieved to finally get the burden off of his chest and then beg her forgiveness but instead all he could feel was anger; anger at himself, anger at Mai, anger at Katara, and anger at Aang. Everyone who had been in love had gotten hurt and all of it for no reason because it was over now.

This was not how he wanted to do this. He had planned to ease her into the separation. He had planned to be calm, cool, and collected when they had this conversation. He had wanted to care about her feelings and place her comfort above all others when this time came but he couldn't do that now. She was demanding the truth and he was in no mood to be gentle. He was in no position to care when she pressed him so hard for the truth. He wanted to protect his child but he couldn't continue to lie or evade the truth because they would be out here all day and the only thing he wanted was to be left the hell alone.

"It doesn't matter what I want now!" Zuko shouted.

"What do you mean?" Mai frowned. She was angry that he wasn't answering her question. She was angry that he continued to evade the truth.

"She ended it, Mai! She's going back to Aang. She loves me and she knows it even if she won't say it but she is going to him. She would rather continue to live a lie and for what? Everyone is still going to be hurt! No one is going to feel better because of this. And I can't protect you. I can't protect our child because you are so insistent on hurting yourself. I'm done protecting you if you won't protect yourself." Zuko exploded.

"Is that why you have been so agitated? Because she's given you up?" Mai growled.

"Yes." Zuko admitted, shoulders drooping. He sank down into his seat with a sigh. He clenched his fist, fighting off the need to cry. She was leaving him for Aang. The harsh reality made him ill. He loved her and she was leaving him because she couldn't deal with the guilt of hurting two innocent people so she was settling for hurting one and breaking his heart forever.

"It is over between Katara and me. She wants to mend things with Aang. So regardless of whether or not you are the woman I truly want to be with for the rest of my life, we are together. We are man and wife, whether we have children or not, whether we mend things and live the rest of our lives tolerating each other, or whether we die hating each other." Zuko surmised gloomily.

He dropped his head into his hands and continued to breathe deeply, trying to hold in his emotions.

"You are very upset about Katara ending things." Mai observed.

"I have never felt worse in my life. I'm absolutely heartbroken." He choked out.

She didn't respond. She just watched him as he attempted to reign in his emotions. She watched the rise and fall of his back and how he flinched whenever his breath hitched in an attempt to keep in the tears. She stared at him until he swallowed his grief and raised his head to look at her with pained eyes. Once upon a time her heart would have ached to see him in so much pain but her face was hard as stone as she stared at him.

"Were you lovers or did you just have feelings for her?" She whispered after a moment of staring at him.

"Does it really matter now?"

"Were you? You might as well tell me the truth now. I have guessed as much but I want you to be honest with me and say it."

"Yes, Mai, yes we were lovers." He sighed, dropping his head back into his hands. "I'm sorry. I didn't want… I wasn't going to tell you this way."

Mai's jaw clenched as Zuko apologized. Her chair fell over and clattered loudly against the ground as she stood sharply. Zuko looked up at the woman glaring down on him. Her whole body shook as she drew in deep breaths. He could not tell what she was thinking as she seemed to tower over him with her emotions building her up. When she spoke, he was surprised by how calm her voice was.

"Sorry is hardly good enough, Zuko. You have made a very grave mistake. Perhaps you have forgotten the true nature of the woman you married over the years that we have been together because it is clear that you have forgotten what insults I will and will not tolerate. I am a noble woman by birth and I am to be shown a certain level of respect that even the Fire Lord cannot ignore. You have mistaken yourself and how you ought to live with honor and dignity. You must be out of your mind if you think saying sorry will fix this and if you think I will sympathize with your heartbreak. Me, your wife who you have betrayed! Me who is hurt most by this, me who has tried again and again to give you a worthy heir, me who has been constant in her love and never looked to another man, no matter the divide that has grown between us. Me, who has clearly wasted her life, loving you! You are a fool Zuko and she is whore! I nearly lost everything because I love you. I risked my life to save you because I love you. I have always loved you and never wavered in that." Mai snarled. With that she turned sharply and left his room.

Credit to Philippa Gregory's The Virgin's Lover for a great dialogue to base this fight on. Please Review :)