Bright Noa, the captain of White Base was legendary for enforcing military discipline...even to the point of making kids into skilled pilots...He has heard a call from other manga and anime that need the service only he can provide!
Misato: Shinji you need to fight!
Shinji: I can't! I don't want to! You can't make me!
Bright Noa: Maam did you try slapping him?
Misato: Who are you? How'd you get into Nerv!?
Bright: Major Katsuragi, do you want him to stay a wimp?
Misato: God no.
Bright: I'm only going to need five minutes.
Kaji: Who the hell was that guy?
Misato: Bright Noa, he's in some military uniform do you know him?
Kaji: Bright Noa...hmm...oh this is going to be good!
After a five minute "talk" Shinji's decides to fight!
Ritsuko: There's a change in Shinji's biology!
Maya: Is he an Angel?
Ritsuko: No, something far less likely...He now has a spine...and testicles...He finally grew a pair!
Every single person takes a quick glance at Gendo Ikari.
8.3 seconds after launching:
Misato: NICE JOB SHINJI!
Shigeru Aoba: Wow, I blinked and missed it.
Ritsuko: Ummm, I'll take the day off...I don't think there's anything large enough left over to analyze...
Shinji: Gendou you're next!
Gendou: Fuyutsuki...I need to change my pants...where did everyone disappear too..../sees the Evas hand...oh hell...
The next morning after Shinji's acquittal:
Bright Noa: So, it looks like everything worked out.
Asuka: Yea, now I don't have to be the man in our relationship!
Bright: Errrrr, I'm not even going to adress that...where's the blue haired girl?
Shinji: At home resting from last night.
Bright: I guess this has to be my best work to date.
Shinji, Asuka and Misato: Thanks Captain Noa!
Bright: It's no problem...now one piece of advice, Gendou is dead, but he might show up in a few episodes wearing a mask and trying to crash a colony on the earth...it happens a lot.
Shinji: Really?
Bright: Have you ever seen a super robot wars game for the nes, snes or ones of that generation? You can tell it's saturday because of the "Mankind must leave the earth" speeches.
Asuka: Really? Why did he do it so often?
Bright: Lazy writers.
Misato: Hi, this is Evangelion, land of budget shots, multiple recap episodes, and an ending done using the innovative new medium...crayon.
Bright: My condolensces. I have to go, I need to visit a planet called Naruto.
Shinji: Your going to Bright Slap ninjas?
Bright: Yea, it's going to be a challenge but I have a love for hitting people, especially whiny kids.
Misato: Have you seen the anime or read the manga? Your arm will be paralyzed from all of the slaps you'll have to give!
Bright: It's my job.