Yes, it's been 4 years, but I had children, marriage, and a job to focus on after my master's. Enjoy this one-shot while I can find time.

Notes: I do not own "One Piece," a most awesome creation of Oda Eiichiro

Summary: Arrested, dragged onto a gaol ship, headed for the worst place on earth, what do pirate supernovas talk about to pass the time?

After a great deal of effort and agony, the pirate managed to bring himself into an upright position. Drawing in ragged breaths, he wiggled his seastone handcuffs half-heartedly, brooding over a rather persistent thought.

"I'm pretty sure they all fuck."

He glanced at his first mate, Killer, who nodded in agreement. "Metal men included. Only a sexual deviant would run around in a pair of swim trunks and little else."

The "Dark Doctor" laughed out loud, despite the tearing pain resounding through his body. He would not have put this thought at the top of Eustass Kidd's priority list, especially while he ate the shitty splinters in the boards under his face.

"Sadly, I agree, though I find that truly disturbing, considering the doctor isn't even remotely human. Don't get me started on the necrophilia."

"Rubber boy would have to be hella good to win over that sword-carrying jackass," Jewelry Bonney snorted derisively, all while 'delicately' using her seastone cuffs to scratch her crotch "That green dipshit looks like he stabbed his last lay as a matter of foreplay. A rubber asshole would be the only thing accepting of Roronoa Zoro"

"He must be a gourmet, at the very least. Sanji Blackleg's work as a chef is quite renowned in East Blue," a short, dapperly attired man responded, managing to look refined even while encased in a seastone cage.

"Chief's got good taste in music, too. He's got a dude with serious rhythm backing him. Brooke was one of the best Rumba pirates 50 years ago, and Straw-hat's managed to resurrect him," Scratchman Apoo chimed in, his elbows lassoed in seastone rope not once, but twice.

Heavy thumping from above deck set the majority of pirates caged and chained below deck to wailing and cursing. The marines were quick to come in and 'shut up' the whole lot, but the supernovas still made them piss their navy pants enough to avoid confrontation.

"That's not a very righteous thing to say. He may just be winning them over with his 'little brother' charm, sorta like that weakling sniper fellow," rumbled the Mystery Monk. "Besides, those two women ought to be able to handle that entire crew in a night."

"...we're talking about Nico Robin here. I'm pretty sure she and that thief, Nami, spend all night busy in the ladies' quarters, no questions asked," muttered Drake, trying to work around the restraints nonchalantly.

Hawkins listlessly raised his head, looking at something distasteful engraved in the deck above. "His fortune does not speak to him using sex as a tool. His cards are quite inscrutable."

Eustass Kidd heaved up something bloody, and spat it in a general direction away from his surroundings. "At any rate, that captain is too goofy crazy to control that kinda crew. If it ain't sex, he must be blackmailing them. He ain't ruthless enough to be worth that bounty - "

They were interrupted by the marines, who came to drag them up to the deck to see their doom.

"...the fuck?" came as a collective cry from the supernovas, as their eyes adjusted to the bright sunlight. Marines around them were in a panic, and the smells of smoke and something acrid, most likely poisonous, were overpowering, even though the great Gate of Justice was closed. They were momentarily forgotten.

"What do you mean Impel Down can't take any prisoners? What do you expect me to do, let them go free? We've got nine supernovas on board, and 490 other pirates in the hold!"

The den den mushi was filled with static, but enough of the conversation broke through to convey the severity of the situation.

"...level 6 obliterated......level 4 inoperable....level 3 in ruins.....poison swamp in levels 1 and 2...guards out of action...warden took too much damage....vice-warden barely stable..."

"By Sengoku, who could cause this much damage," murmured one marine, who looked distinctly like a horse about to bolt.

"Got to be a Shichibukai gone nuts, no one else outside the World Government could be strong enough," another marine replied confidently, "Never trust a pirate, that's what I learned on Captain Smoker's ship!"

Killer glanced at Kidd. Kidd glanced at Law.

"You don't think..." Bonney started, but the den den mushi beat her to it.

"...Straw-hat.....broke into the.....looking for....brother Ace....."

The sweat-drop that formed at the back of Drake's head rolled unimpeded down to the large 'X' on his chin. Urouge's next words pretty much summed it up.

"You've got to be shitting me."

"How the hell can over 200 prisoners escape? This is Impel Down! What kind of monster is this Straw-hat Luffy?"

"....believed to be headed.......Holy Land..."

"No one could be that crazy," Capone scoffed, but his eyes looked a little wild at the edges.

Hawkins smirked, "Your fortune states that your guesses are unlucky today."

"Switch to the den den mushi at HQ!" barked the marine captain. "We'll need orders from them, execution or not!"

There was complete silence on board as the den den mushi connected.

"HQ! This is Admiral Kizaru's ship, please respond! We need orders on where to transport the criminals, as Impel Down won't open for us, sirs!"

Static filled the air.

"Admiral Kizaru's ship to HQ! Can you read?"

The den den mushi was filled with static, then a frantic voice came on the line.

"Relay to all marine ships in range! You are ordered to come to HQ immediately! We are under siege from Whitebeard's crews and...what in hell?"

A resounding splash was overheard. Yelling, the clash of weapons, the roars of giants'...all manners of war were overheard before the mysterious voice came back online.

"Sounds like a lovely little war's going on over there," Apoo remarked cheekily, while bobbing his head to the rhythm of chaotic battle.

"Summary of events: Whitebeard's second division commander, Flame Fist Portgas D. Ace, is Gol D. Rogers' son, raised by his grandfather, Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp. Also raised by Vice Admiral Garp is Ace's adopted younger brother, and son of Monkey D. Dragon, -

ACE! I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU RIGHT NOW!"

- the captain of the Straw-hat Pirates, Monkey D. Luffy, who has just arrived with over 200 dangerous prisoners he rescued after breaking into Impel Down roughly 24 hours ago. His current comrades include two former Shichibukai, Jinbei, and Crocodile, Ivankov, first commander of Dragon's revolutionary forces, and a former apprentice on Gol D. Rogers ship, Captain Buggy."

The deck was absolutely silent for exactly 6 minutes, until Eustass started to giggle uncontrollably.

"Forget fucking! He's RAPING THEM into submission! He's frigging well holding them down in their bunks all night, every night!" Eustass chortled, even as Killer tried to worm his way out of his restraints.

"He doesn't give us a fair chance, does he? I am so gonna kick his ass when I get over the line," Bonney snapped as she looked for the marine gaoler.

Hawkins stared fixedly out to sea, then closed his eyes and smiled.

"It would appear that fortune smiles on us today."

"AHOY! ARE YOU CARRYING STRAW-HAT LUFFY?"

The marine captain looked for a ship, but only saw a speck that was barely visible off in the direction of the Shabondy archipelago. Waving his hand frantically, a petty officer quickly provided a telescope for the captain, who adjusted the lenses, and looked out towards the speck. The image resolved itself to show a long-nosed individual in a crow's nest, with a large sail and a Jolly Roger flag.

"AW SHIT, IT'S A MARINE SHIP!"

"I say, should we really be able to hear a young lady's voice from this far away?" Capone muttered.

"Yo, any of you bitches seen our captain?"

Capone and Bonney jumped in surprise as three wet forms pulled themselves on board. At that exact moment, the marine captain figured out the crew sailing the approaching ship.

"Straw-hats! That ship belongs to the Straw-hat Pirates! Prepare to be board-!"

Killing aura engulfed the ship as one of the wet figures held three large swords across the captain's body. Under the black bandana, three dangling earrings and demonic eyes were all that could be seen. Bodies fell left and right around the supernovas, as blood sprayed the deck.

"Oi, marimo, try not to slice him until we get a little information," said another dripping figure, who nonchalantly kicked two squads of marines half to death before stealing a pack of cigarettes and lighting one using his knee. His one eye glared around until it fixed on Bonney, who was soon cringing in terror from a love-struck man with a ... delicious pie in hand.

"Ma cherie, how could they hold such a busty....lusty....elegant lady such as yourself with the rest of these hooligans? Enjoy this small token of appreciation for your eye-catching beauty, a freshly baked tarte aux fruits!"

"Knock it off, cook bro. You guys, here're the keys," boomed a large figure, dressed most peculiarly in a swimming brief and a flowered shirt. The keys flew towards a detached arm that deftly snatched them out the air, and proceeded to wriggle towards them.

"We'd thank you," growled Drake, who watched the arm warily, "expect you haven't taken out all the marines yet..."

"Cien Fleur, clutch!"

"Yohohoho, good night boys!"

Arms sprouted throughout the ship, and marines went from screaming and panicking to deathly silent in a swift moment. From the hold came the distinct sound of snoring. A female dropped on board, arms scattering like so many feathers, and sauntered toward the large, underdressed man, while a nattily dressed skeleton came up from below decks.

All of the excitement from the subjugation of the navy crew probably explained why a ship came to their broadside unnoticed. Or, Urouge noted, the large airmass behind the ship, that distinctly looked like a small tornado.

"Any news?" asked an orange haired girl, who was busy elbowing two figures cowering behind her.

"Ah! Nami-swan! We were just going to have a little discussion with this walking pile of shit that calls itself a marine captain, weren't we, marimo?"

"Shut the hell up. This captain will cooperate if only to stop your skirt-chasing for one second!"

"Watch it you roving moss ball, before I kick those swords so far up your..."

"Thunderbolt Tempo!"

Kidd didn't even flinch as the lightning strikes fell indiscriminately on the deck of the ship, grinning a little maniacally as a group of enterprising marines were virtually vaporized while trying to sneak up on the murderous swordsman. He felt his cuffs and shackles drop off, and stretched languidly as the key-carrying arm went to free Trafalgar Law. He wasn't even surprised anymore when the fluffy tanuki behind the girl jumped on board and transformed into a antler-bearing gorilla that bashed another enterprising marine squad into oblivion.

"Hey, I think I hear him on that den den mushi!" cried the long nosed one, who's teeth were chattering. Killer eyed him as he sidled closer to the edge of the ship. None of the other Straw-hats were paying attention. He was pretty sure he could take their ship and get out of there with Kidd in no time flat.

He was fairly certain that he'd been too engrossed in his thoughts, and that was why he missed the report of the gun that fired the shot whose casing had just scratched his mask. Couldn't have been the tengu that was wearing a mask of his own, and armed with a ridiculously oversized slingshot. Because even though a slingshot made very little sound, no one could aim such an impractical device accurately, and no one had an arm strong enough make a slingshot pellet as fast as a bullet.

Of course not.

A marble pinged off of the den den mushi's shell, and the volume rocketed up briefly, before the snail keeled over.

"Start the execution!'

Bonney felt not one, but many strange auras shadowing the ship. Most of the Straw-hats were hiding their eyes, but she had no doubt whatsoever that a false move would lead to an unpleasant death. She had a feeling that most of this crew could probably gum her to death, no matter how she aged them. She saw that Gang Belly had ports open, but his soldiers stayed inside, peering fearfully.

Hawkins broke the silence.

"Probability that you can arrive before the execution is complete: 10%. Probability that you can save your captain before the execution, 7%. Probability that you can get off of the Holy Land afterwards: 5%. Probability that you will get off this ship alive: 90%."

The voodoo pirate blinked slowly, then looked at the Straw-hats. He was non-plussed as a cigarette stub flew past his head. The swordsman grinned, and knocked the captain out, while the other Straw-hats returned to their ship. The elegant blonde man fluttered goodbye to Bonney as he and the swordsman departed, the green-haired man laughing loudly.

"Do you think he'll even leave anything for us to do?" wheezed the metal man, who was guzzling soda at a prodigious rate.

"This is 'the future pirate king' we're talking about here. If he hasn't brought the whole marine force down on himself by now, I'll be surprised," the orange-haired girl grumbled. "Franky, Usopp, we're going to need speed!"

The tanuki had returned, and thrown a grappling hook over the prow of the marine ship. Most of the pirates had clambered onto the deck now, trying to understand why they weren't incarcerated anymore. The tanuki made a smart knot to a foothold near the rudder, and gave the swordsman the thumbs up sign.

"Nami, give us our orders!" the green-haired brute roared, as the tanuki changed form again and gripped the rudder. The ship bustled as the crew got to their places, sails were drawn in, and hatches battened.

"Usopp, is that dial charged? Franky, you got the spare barrels on hand?"

"Aye, aye!"

"Kidd, hold onto that grappling hook. You're the only one who can hold it tight enough."

Kidd blinked and looked bemusedly at the swordsman. Killer was already twitching.

"You do know I don't take orders from anyone, far less first mates, Mr. Roronoa Zoro?"

The green-haired supernova only smirked then shrugged.

"Then you and those other devil fruit users can drink salt water. Buckle up. I ain't sure this marine ship will make it through this either way you play it."

Kidd would have argued, except the swordsman was twisting his arms around the sails' ropes. Not only him, but every crew member, other than the long-nosed man and the cyborg, were grabbing any and every handhold available. Nico Robin's arms were everywhere, pinning down loose limbs and clutching ropes.

"Attract."

The other supernovas blinked. This was Eustass Kidd, the craziest of them all, the one with the highest bounty, following an order. It was as if the planet had rewound on its axis. Killer exhaled, and stuck an arm through an iron sail hasp on the edge on the ship. Urouge began to laugh, the booming sound echoing as he waded back through the prisoners, sharing kicks and cuffs alike.

"What are you waiting for? Any of you got a devil fruit power that helps you float? You saw what they did, take in the sails! Batten the hatches! Get those marines in the cells below."

Drake took a hold of the den den mushi, listening intently. As a former marine rear admiral, he was the only one who could understanding the military codes on the line. Might as well make sure that they arrived alive and didn't sail straight into a trap.

Bonney and Capone rounded up the more unruly marines and got them below decks, while Law and Hawkins dealt with the more rebellious pirates. They had all of three minutes until they heard a countdown from the Straw-hats' ship.

"...4...3...2...1...IMPACT!"

The jolt that shuddered through the ship almost tore it in half, before the distinct feeling of being airborne settled on the unwilling guests. The hasty preparations did not stop half of the pirates from being flung into the ocean as the two ships lifted higher in the sky. As it was, the only reason there were still two ships was due to Kidd's magnetic abilities, which seemed to be holding the marine craft together. Just barely.

Two life vessels flew off the side of the marine ship, and crashed into the rapidly receding ocean below. Law noted that the long-nose had flung shuriken through the ropes holding the lifeboats, even though his right arm was hanging from his shoulder in a manner that spoke of violent dislocation. He was swinging from a rope, and drenched with seaweed, but he was smiling like an idiot as the cook and the first mate reeled him in. Law began to reevaluate his assessment of the coward. He'd been accurate, while nursing serious injuries and swinging wildly from a rope that secured him while he was submerged in the ocean. Sharpshooters like that were very rare.

"FRANKY! YOUR TURN!"

"HOLD ON! COUP DE BURST!"

The ships now flew through the air, and the wind was filled with distinct sound of whooping glee. Every member of Straw-hat Luffy's crew was laughing, like this was a long anticipated, yet completely normal event to be on a flying, ocean-going craft.

Apoo figured out what made this crew of pirates more lethal than any other afloat, even as two of his four elbows were wrenched out of place by the flight. It wasn't that the captain was crazy that was fearful. Most of the supernova captains were either certifiably insane or two steps from involuntary remand to a mental institution. It was the fact that the entire Straw-hat crew was even crazier, and completely willing to work together, that made the whole unit dangerous.

The ships sailed through the air for more than two kilometers before crashing into the ocean. Specifically, a whirlpool. This event would normally cause even hardened sailors to pray, but the Straw-hats merely took up paddles and maneuvered the ship into a rapid current. The former captives on the marine ship would probably have been able to digest events to this point, if an immense swirl of storm clouds hadn't appeared at their stern.

Drake glared, and snorted. "A hurricane if ever I've seen one. Strong too. Almost ridiculously organized, which means a very tight eye. Not something to meet on the open ocean."

The pirate monk glanced at the Straw-hats ship. "Should we tell them? They've been our...benefactors...up till now."

Kidd snickered ominously, and pointed at the Strawhats' navigator. "Watch that witch, and tell me how beneficial these brats are."

The pirates' gaze rested on the female navigator, who was busy juggling three sticks. Her face was furrowed in concentration, and she was completely oblivious to everything around her. The paddles were currently being manned by the cook and the skeleton, while the ship's pet reset the sharp-shooter's shoulder and bandaged it into place. The metal man was busy dragging barrels of cola on board the ship, with the aid of many female arms, which were also securing the crew to the ship. The supernova Zoro was snoring loudly below the ship's mast.

"Bubbles? What the hell, there's a hurricane behind us and she's blowing bubbles, while the crew lazes around?" Bonney screeched.

Capone snorted. "That's all that can be expected of children, no matter how strong."

"You idiotic bitches. Watch where those bubbles are going," muttered Law.

The bubbles floated, almost idly, far behind the ships, streaming towards the dark storm clouds.

"Probability of being caught in a hurricane while fighting marines? 42%. And rising." Hawkins chanted dourly. "Chances that this crew is actually comprised of humans? 10%. And falling."

They all stopped talking when the marine den den mushi picked up on chatter. Drake carefully handled the device as codes filled the air. It was impressive to see his face pale.

"Oi, one of you call Roronoa Zoro."

Apoo grudgingly obliged, and Zoro was awakened by an unholy wailing emitting from the Scratchman. Apoo tried not to grin as most every other being around him held their ears as well, with some being reduced to gibberish and frothing.

He did, however, feel the need to stop when a sword stopped humming an inch from his throat.

"Why. Am. I. Awake?" Zoro growled, his eyes not even visible. Was it normal for a person to be intelligible with a sword clenched in their teeth?

"Pacifistas," Drake barked, ear still to the den den mushi.

"The World Government has the marine headquarters surrounded by Pacifistas. Two of the admirals are out of position. They're getting ready for something."

Zoro took three seconds to comprehend this, while Scratchman wondered how his funeral march would sound. He took a shifty glance to the right, and noticed Capone staring fixedly at the swordsman's shadow...did that shit have three heads? Too late to notice now, the green-haired one was already moving away, with a completely normal shadow attached.

"Franky! Gear up the Gaon Cannon. We've got a mass of that big bear Shichibukai's clones to deal with. Your idea better work!"

Before he could jump off the ship, Law intervened.

"Do you even have a plan? This is marine headquarters you're talking about. Drake's basically telling you that you're walking into a trap."

"Plus those Pacifistas are a right royal bitch to make inoperable," Kidd interjected.

"Can't be as hard as the real one was those last two times. Bitch really makes it a habit of sneaking up on us when we're beat. Besides, he broke our deal. I've got to settle with him."

That caused a lot of blinking.

"Probability that Roronoa Zoro should have lived through the first encounter with Bartholomew Kuma: 0.5%. Very small room for error," Hawkins murmured, sliding cards back into his deck.

Cocking his head over his shoulder, Zoro sneered and asked them a final question.

"Are you coming to fight, or coming to watch?"

Eustass answered before anyone else could. "You crazy animals aren't sucking us in this time. We're passers-by on this one."

"Until I kill this guy for ordering me around again," Law groused.

"But I've got one last question for you? Who tops?"

Zoro shrugged, and stepped on the taut rope between the ships. He cut the rope and walked back to the ship, leaving many lesser pirates to blubber as they watched the rope not dare to fall until Zoro was back on the other ship.

"Oi, who topped last night?"

"You did, jackass! And you're goddamn heavy!" was the snarky reply from at least half of the crew. The others sighed wearily.

"I completely understand now. He made a contract with that demon Roronoa. He's the one whose keeping the others in line. Probably holding their souls captive," Capone muttered, wiping a nervous sheen of sweat off of his top lip.

"For once, I'd agree with you," Bonney chimed in, shaking her head wearily.

The ship with the flowery lion sped away, leaving the supernovas in the distance.

Hrm. I think I've lost my touch. It was supposed to be a one-shot, but I'm not sure if I want to go AU with this given how the manga is shaping up. Meh, you, the critics, can let me know.