Broken Infinity

By - Karina Galano

"We had said good-bye so many times before,
but somehow our paths always managed to cross
and we ended up in each others arms.
But now when we said this good-bye
I have this feeling that I will never see you again.
And that really hurts because I know that we are meant
to lead our own separate lives permanently this time.
And I honestly hate the way it hurts
Because I don't want all these feelings to come back
even though I understand
I'd never be the same again if they don't.
I'd be a new broken person in the deep cores
of the broad infinities of the world."

- Karina Galano[Poem belong to me]

"So," she says, sitting on the bed with her arms folded, her whole body getting tense. It's clear that she's been holding in what she's about to say all day.

He notices the change in her voice and stops halfway through fixing the wooden computer chair that had laid there in the corner broken for a few days. "You okay?"

His voice is concerned and anticipated, as if he knows what's coming. The mood in the room has changed quite suddenly. It makes her blush, but she continues. "Did you watch the news today?"

He finishes off then drops the hammer and swings onto his bed. They'd always spend time here whenever Sana would sneak out of her house from Rei and Mama to come see him. The action of his spring, incongruous with the room's sudden tension. "Yeah." He looks at her, anticipating. She leans into him and his arms naturally slide around her waist.

She sighs. She's been dreading this conversation all day. They sit in silence together for awhile, but finally, reluctantly, she says, "They say they're doing the draft again."

He says, trying to sound careless, "Yeah, well. It's a big war." He holds her a bit closer, sensing the stress in her voice.

"And... and, Akito, you're twenty years old."

Hayama doesn't respond, but Sana feels him stiffen slightly. He knows where this conversation is going now. Sana knows Hayama well enough to have felt discouraged about this conversation from the start. Soon, she is aware, he would be gone. Who knows, maybe tomorrow Hayama would be gone and she'll never be able to hold his hand or cuddle with him or...

And she abruptly turns around and kisses him.

The kiss is long, powerful, but terrifying at the same time; she tries to cherish it, fearing for some reason that she may never feel his lips on hers again. The kiss deepens and she holds him closer, wishing she never had to face tomorrow and could kiss him forever.

They break apart. Sana looks at Hayama for a long moment, and slowly raises her arm, brushing her fingertips against his face. She swiftly leans forward and kisses him again. The kiss is shorter this time, leaving her longing for more.

"I'll be fine, Sana," Akito reassures her, pulling her back against his chest, but he speaks with no conviction.

"You don't know that," she pipes up. "What if you do get, you know... drafted?" The word was almost impossible to say. Like death.

He only repeats, "I'll be fine." A lump begins to form in Sana's throat.

"Will, if you do get... you know… can you go to Canada or... or something like that, maybe...?" she murmurs somewhat painfully. She is playing with his fingers, a blush creeping up her neck.

She feels his sigh. "You know I'm not gonna do that."

Sana is quiet for awhile, and Hayama starts playing with her hair. It feels, quite simply, good, but that's exactly what infuriates her so much. Who knows, maybe this is the last time he'll ever play with her hair again.

"Well," she says. "There are... other ways."

"To do what?"

"To evade the draft." Once again, it's like saying death. Sana's voice drops to a whisper, and her pulse quickens. "Legal ways, I mean."

"What do you mean?" Hayama responds, also in a whisper. Sana's heart pounds so loudly she can scarcely hear her own voice, let alone his.

"Well, it's not one-hundred percent guaranteed, but aren't they more likely…" Her voice trails off. She idly wonders if she's having a heart attack. "...aren't they more likely to take, well, legally… single men?" She is playing with his fingers again.

"What are you saying?" he asks patiently. He doesn't sound suspicious at all, merely curious... and possibly interested? Sana stops playing with his fingers and turns to look at him. She holds his gaze for awhile, takes a few deep breaths, and then gives up – she can't bring herself to say it to his face. She turns back and takes his hand, squeezing it.

"Akito, would you… marry me?"

There is a long enough pause to cause her to look back. Hayama's shaking his head and that broke her heart in ways it was already shattering. Oh. Oh. Sana looks down quickly, ashamed.

"Sana, you know I love you," he says. The lump settles in Sana's throat again; unable to talk, she simply nods.

"But think about it…. Do you really want to look back in ten or fifteen years, if our kids were to ask us, 'Mommy, why did you marry Daddy?" Hayama adopts a high falsetto for the child voice, and she smiles in spite of herself. "Do you really want to say, 'Oh, Daddy evaded the draft. We were afraid he would die serving our country." He pauses. "And think of all the people who would die if we did that. We'd be murderers."

Sana shakes her head, still unable to speak. To be frank, she doesn't really care about the nameless, faceless people who would be dying, as long as he's okay.

He takes her face in his hands. "I love you." She can't help smiling a bit. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But I don't wanna marry you because of this."

Sana murmurs, "I love you too, Hayama."

"Now, try to sleep."

"Fine." She was so exhausted all of a sudden. She lies down, not even bothering to get under the covers, and drifts off quickly without wondering if it was time to get back home before Rei and Mama would notice her gone.

She was nineteen but she didn't want her family thinking she was some kind of slut who stayed over some guys house even if they have known each other since they were kids in elementary school. It still seemed wrong to them since her and Hayama weren't married. At least it was to Rei.

--

Sana is stretched on the couch in the living room of her main room. The song Dreaming of you by Selena playing on the iTunes on her computer. It was part of the play-list her and Hayama had made three years ago.

She feels as though she hasn't been able to relax in months. Not since she'd talked to Hayama about… that thing… she still can't think the word, even after several months of getting used to the idea.

Sana hasn't watched the news, or any TV for that matter, fearing an emergency broadcast about the war. It's unsettling being isolated from these sorts of things, but Hayama thinks it's worse to know.

She thinks she hates the death toll numbers the most. The media casually tallies up the amount of bodies and pastes it on the screen like it's a scoreboard: La di da, sixteen of us are dead, twenty-two of them… Yay, we're winning!

Sana convulses at the thought of him as just a number, just another tally mark, a useless statistic.

She tries to take a deep breath, but she can't help thinking about it. What would she do with herself if he were…?

She takes another deep breath. She is so sick and horrified of the way this stupid war has suddenly become the focus of the whole world.

There was a knock on the front door as she gets up patiently. Still practicing her breathing so she wouldn't seem sad in front of Rei or Mama or Shimura, she opens the door. The person in the front door wasn't the three people she had first thought about, it was the person she had been worrying about for months.

Sana's heart pounds. She's barely aware of the way her senses act up. She doesn't register Dreaming of you ending, or the way the room tilts kind of funny. She doesn't realize the name of the Michael Buble song that plays now. The piano playing before the words of the artist. Her breathing quickens, and she thinks about running away– just running and never coming back.

A few more second pass and he was still staring at the floor, gripping on a letter he had on his right hand. Sana debates in her head whether this is a good or a bad thing. She can't decide.

Can't believe it over,
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I'd only knew the day's were slipping past,
That the good things would never last,
That you were crying,
Ooh, oh...

She wants to leave now, leave forever. She would never have to know whether he lived or died. She'd never have to face it. Maybe she'd even find someone else.

Before she can make her decision, Hayama looks up at her eyes, a look of defeat on his face, the letter clutched in his hand.

He guides her back to the main room and sits her on the leather sofa, simply looking at her hopelessly. Sana's heart and throat seem to be filled with lead. They both just sit and listen to the music, feeling the weight of the world on their shoulders.

Summer turned to winter,
And the snow it had turned to rain,
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognize the girl you are today
and god I hope that it's not too late.
Mmm, it's not too late...

Sana takes his face in her hands, stroking his cheek. She stares deeply into Hayama's eyes, trying to remember their exact shape and color, and she hates her vision for being blurred with tears. She gives up and buries her head in his chest.

"Before anything else happens I want you to do something for me." He looked at her again and nodded once, feeling unable to find the words to speak. She sighed once, a shaky and hurtful sigh. It was hurting her throat, her throat was protesting too. "I want you... I want you to..."

And with that, he knew exactly what she was mouthing. Hayama had never touched her because Sana had always been waiting for the right moment. Sana had always took it as a joke even if she knew she loved him more than anything after all these years of friendship and trouble they had faced together to be here.

Hayama doesn't speak, he just embraces her. Sana doesn't know how she's going to live without knowing the feel of this embrace. She tries not to imagine him there fighting, but she can't help thinking about it. Sana shudders.

He tilts his head to face her and pulls her to him in a lip-locking kiss that would stay intact until they knew they were completely spent. He parted her lips with his and soon their kissing was deepening, moving their tongues together in ways they had never worked together before.

Cause' you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
till the light comes pouring through

Couse' when you feel like your done
and the darkness has won,
I said, "Babe your not lost.."

He removed her shirt as she helped with unbuttoning his long-sleeve one, running her hands through his chest when if was, then around his shoulders and finally resting them on his neck. She tried desperately to unbuckle his beat, feeling her hands tremble with the tears of happiness of the moment and fear of what was waiting for them in the future.

Once her chest was bare he began kissing at it, starting with her neck and shoulders and going down to her breasts and to her chest. she wrapped her legs around his waist once she was free of bottoms and continued to hiss on his neck as if it would be the last time she would ever get to do so.

She felt the tears again as the wet the skin on his shoulders, while they ran down his back. "I-I need y-you... now..." She could barely speak as she mouthed the words she knew she meant. She knew she would always need him.

Even if he wouldn't always be there to satisfy that need. She wanted to take as much of him as possible to satisfy the emptiness he would leave her once he was gone even though she knew if wouldn't work out in the end once he wasn't there anymore. She knew she would always want more the one she loved the most.

He placed his hands under her thighs and blew one last kiss on her shoulder before he whispered, "I love you." into her ear as he graced his check against her hair and began to thrust in and out of her. "I love you, too." She moaned as the tears were running down like a faucet now, without an end because this felt so right. It felt so good and now she knew she would never be able to live without him.

He thought the same as her, he'd never felt so right with anyone. And now he discovered how hard it would truly be to be away from her and how she would somehow die if something would occur to him.

Life can show no mercy, it can tear your soul apart,
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy but your not.
Though things have seemed to change, there's one things that's still the same,
In my heart you have remained and we can fly, fly, fly away.

Right before the song reached it's climax they had reached our theirs as well when Hayama gave out the last thrust that sealed their soul's in a package without return. How could the things that were right from the start end? They had always been right. He laid on her, placing all his weight over her because he knew it wouldn't hurt her. She wanted it.

He began to think back to them; the day he first saw her in elementary school, the day's he thought he hated her and how she would ruin things for him, the day she was the first girl to confront him, the day she made his father change his ways with her show, the first kiss he gave her in that field-trip, the way she looked that Christmas night she gave him a dinosaur, the way he felt when he saw her leaving with Naozumi for six months, the way he thought about her when he was with Fuka, the way's she would never realize he liked her when they were kids, the day's they didn't have much to worry about but their love rectangle, the way he had gotten her back when her face was scarred with no emotion, how he had missed her when he was in America recovering, how she had saved his life all-in-all. And today...

He thought for a moment that fate was out to get him because when it had been his turn to die, she helped get him back on his two feet. And now, fate was back and attacking them both. Fate had never liked him and always opposed him and now it was seeking his permanent destruction, he was sure. But he wouldn't let this moment be in vein so he pulled her as close to him as possible, retaining the memories as her own flooded in her mind as well.

She began to think back to them as well; the day she first saw his hate-filled eyes, the time she thought she hated him, the way her heart broke when she realized how his family treated him, how hard she worked the days' she was filming that show for his family to see, how he looked when his father carried him on his back, the first night she stayed over at his house because of the book her mother wrote about them, how wonderful she felt the first time she saw his true smile, the way he hugged her before she left to film her movie, the time she would cry her heart out after she realized she loved him when he was with Fuka, how she would think about him constantly though out those six months, the way his lips felt when he kissed her when he came back from America, how much it hurt when he had been gone and when he'd told her he would leave, their first date. And today...

She returned the embrace, clutching at the little happiness the memories gave her and at the moment as she let her ears fill with the last of the words of the song. Of her favorite song now. The song she listened to the day she lost her virginity to Hayama.

Cause' you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lest together until the light comes pouring through.

Sana had always known how to smile just so that they thought she wasn't crying on the inside. She was ready to drown in the tears she had hid, hanging on to a thread of hope so foreign to her that she sometimes doubted it even existed. The damage had been done too far this time, so far she's sick of faking her reality. She's giving up now but still... She loved him. She let the truth of how she felt befall on her face.

And he knew this... he thought the same but differently. He had always know how to control his indifferent face so that people thought he wasn't hurting or pained in the inside but now it seemed to him so hard to keep all that in because he would die soon and he knew Sana knew this.

They were both in an equal ammount of pain.

"I'm sorry, Sana," He says, clutching at her waist. She knew he meant it, she knew he wanted her as much as she wanted him. She knew they wanted each other equally but couldn't fight what was so close to their horizon. Something so powerful.

Cause when you feel like your done
And the darkness has won
I said, "babe your not lost.."

His words didn't matter, for soon he would be gone.

And when your worlds crashing down....
And you can't bear the thought...

Soon, he would just be another tally mark.

I said, "Your not lost..."

I have no intentions of continuing this but if I do get enough reviews I might change my mind. I'll even place a limit; ten reviews. If you want me to continue I will but I need the inspiration. This was made as a one-shot but prove to me it can be more than that. I'll be watching over this while anyone starts reviewing. [working at ten reviews] Completed for the moment unless I receive ten reviews.

- Thank you! Karina Galano

You want to hear Lost by Michael Buble? Go here:

.com/watch?v=QMCu6YgRLeM

I would appreciate it if you did. You would like the song a whole lot better if you heard it. It matches the scene with Hayama and Sana here. Go cheack it out real quick!