When Love Was New Contest

Title of Entry: Reach

Pen name: Kay Cannon

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Disclaimer: All copyright and trademarked items mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. The Exception is based loosely on The Only Exception, by Paramore. The remaining content is the original author's. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without express written authorization.

APOV

"My turn!" Lauren peered around the circle of girls waiting for her to curse some poor victim with the next dare.

Bella and I had dragged ourselves to yet another of Jessica's ridiculous sleepovers. Neither of us wanted to be here. These gatherings resembled a fifth grade slumber party with the only difference being that we were old enough to get into more serious trouble and wind up incredibly embarrassed come Monday morning. However, showing up to school and being the only of our group of friends who didn't attended would be worse, but only marginally.

Jessica leaned over to Lauren and whispered something in her ear. That was never a good thing. Alone, Jessica wasn't so bad. She demanded a lot of attention and could be a little shallow at times, but she had her fun moments. She was filled with spirit and optimism. Unfortunately, when she got around Laruen, her need for acceptance typically led to poor choices that made her less likeable to those caught in the aftermath.

"Oh that's great! I love it!" Lauren exclaimed. Jessica beamed as if her parents had just hung her A+ on the refrigerator. Then Laruen stared straight in my direction. "I dare Angela and Bella to kiss."

Oh, come on. What are we twelve?

"Seriously…?" Bella's face fell to her hands, propped up by her elbows against her knees, in an attempt to hide the ruby heat spreading over her cheeks.

"Oh, this is perfect. The two shiest girls at school making out..!" Of course Victoria, the fiery red head that had stolen sixty percent of our senior boys' virginities, would find a girl-on-girl make out session to be the thrill of the evening. I wouldn't be surprised if she and her best friend, Tanya – who had taken at least thirty percent of the virtue on her own – had made out a time or two, themselves.

"I think it's sort of lame," Alice protested. She was a good friend. She always tried to protect us. Unfortunately, she was beyond outnumbered.

"No. It's awesome. So are you going to do it or what? Everyone else has taken their turns like champs." Lauren smirked at me, smugly. I tried to think of something clever to retort with, but everything either felt too mean for the situation or like I'd just sound wimpy. She pressed on, "Don't be such babies. It's just a kiss. And you've been friends since you were what, three or something? This should be easy for you."

Nothing's too mean for Lauren – not even from me.

"It's fine. We'll do it." Bella started scooting to face me.

"We will?"

"Yes. Let's just get it over with so they can shut up," she whispered. I shrugged. If she was okay with it, I could be, too. When she was settled, she pushed her hair behind her ears and then returned her elbows to her knees, clasping her hands together. "Ready?"

"I guess so."

"Close your eyes." I did as she said, appearing as if I'd never been kissed before and needed instructions.

In truth, I hadn't really. When I was fourteen, Ben Cheney gave me a flower on Valentine's Day and pecked me on the lips. I was already an inch taller than him, by that time. I always thought he liked me but as the years went on, and I continued to surpass him in height, our conversations became fewer and fewer. My shyness seemed to prevent me from getting to know any of the other boys, who were also mostly shorter than me.

Almost out of nowhere, I felt Bella's lips meet mine. They were softer than I might have guessed they'd be. She wasn't one to wear makeup so there was no gloss to distract from their touch.

All on their own, my lips parted. Surprisingly, instead of pulling away, she pushed forward and filled the space. I could actually feel how her top lip was a slightly larger than her bottom as it settled between mine and she captured my pout above hers. Our mouths finally closed around each other's and the atmosphere seemed to shift.

It wasn't just that the room had gone silent, as breaths were held and shocked eyes gazed upon us. It wasn't that the two quiet girls did the unexpected and kissed on a dare or that, come Monday, this would be the buzz on campus. All of those things seemed largely irrelevant, all of the sudden.

It was that my fingers twitched of their own accord. I didn't know why or what, but they itched to cling to something. A chill caused a wave of goose bumps to spread over even covered parts of my skin. And rushing away from the contact of my best friend's mouth, alongside mine, was the farthest thing from my mind, our circumstances notwithstanding. And stranger still was that Bella didn't hurry away, either.

Why isn't this awkward? Why am I not concerned about the six people watching us? Why hasn't she shoved me or laughed, yet? When did it get so warm in here?

My internal interrogation and the unbelievably easy kiss with Bella were broken by a pillow colliding with my shoulder and an uproar of laughter. The girls broke into a full blown pillow fight and Bella hopped up to take shelter. I, however, was somehow glued to my spot on the floor.

What was that?

My natural reaction was always to talk to Bella, even now. Whether the topic was unusual or not, there was no one I felt more comfortable sharing my thoughts with. So, I'd ask her. But ask her what, exactly?

Was it strange for her? Or was it strange that it wasn't strange (my mind had resorted to be thinking in puzzles)? Even if it wasn't weird, what difference did that make? Was it really such a big deal that I wasn't grossed out by kissing my best friend – the one person that knew me better than anyone?

Yes, it was, because I knew the truth. I had no idea what it meant, but I had a pretty good feeling that kissing a girl shouldn't have felt that way for me. Even if I wasn't repulsed, shouldn't I at least have been bored or entirely unimpressed? I shouldn't have been…buzzing? That hum hadn't even subsided, yet.

Rapidly, I felt fatigued from exertion. I'd hardly noticed that I was the only one not engaged in the screaming and dodging of cotton and feathers. Well, actually, I wasn't the only one.

I looked over and caught Bella just as her head was turning away from me. She'd been hiding behind the arm of a couch and there was no way to pretend that I had not been her focus, just a moment earlier. I was directly behind her, so looking at me required a complete pivot.

Was she curious about why I'd been frozen for some number of minutes? Had she been watching me? Did she want to talk, too? Maybe she was just realizing that her best friend was a complete freak, after all.

But I knew the last one couldn't be it. No matter what, Bella loved me. That would never change.

Would it?

When did I start jumping to such large conclusions and theorizing over every little thing?

…Just calm down, Angela. Why are you freaking out over one stupid kiss?

I cringed at the thought of considering that kiss stupid. I couldn't even understand myself anymore. Who knew if I was coming or going? I needed sleep.

We'd talk, but we didn't need to do it now. Things would probably be clearer in the morning, anyway. Maybe I'd get lucky and find that the brooding had vanished completely.

*****

Unfortunately, the menacing deliberation was still prominent in the morning. In spite of my abrupt fatigue, I couldn't say I slept at all, that night. Something just felt off.

And, it very well could have been my hyperactive imagination but, I'd swear that Bella spoke to everyone except me at breakfast. This was saying a lot, coming from her. She didn't typically go out of her way to converse. It wasn't that she was exactly anti-social. She simply didn't seek out attention.

Though, to be honest, I may not have spoken to her either. I was a bit lost in my own head. Perhaps she could see that and was simply giving me some space. That was a better notion than trying to swallow her avoiding me.

*****

We never did discuss the kiss. After having the remainder of the weekend away from her, and to myself, I started to feel silly about bringing it up. What if I had simply learned that kissing was nice and that I enjoyed doing it? Perhaps I felt safe trying it out with someone I was already so close to. And maybe I was just over thinking the rest. Beyond that, even if there was something else there, the fact that Bella never brought it up either made it seem pointless to do so myself.

In the days following the sleepover, things had more or less gone back to the usual. We both were definitely razzed at school that Monday – mostly by the boys – but the excitement faded much faster than I would have guessed. Needless to say, Lauren was not thrilled with anyone besides herself being the focal point and she found a way to reel everyone back in.

Nothing obvious had changed between us. We still sat next to each other during breaks and in the couple of classes we shared. We'd call one another for questions on the homework and chat a bit about our families and the events of the day. What felt like awkwardness had more or less dwindled.

But that was just the obvious. There were subtle differences, or at least there were to me. I felt like we weren't talking the way we used to. Bella seemed busier and a little withdrawn.

I couldn't decide whether I was simply inventing nonexistent themes or being tremendously astute. The fact that I knew her so well was really the only thing that made me continue to consider it further. Otherwise, I would have just chalked it up to not wanting to be alone in my feelings, if feelings were even what I had.

"I'm so screwed," Bella whined, in a puff. I'd been mentally reliving the past chunk of days while in Bella's and my Trigonometry class. She'd interrupted my contemplating with her whispered outburst.

"What's wrong?" We had about five minutes left in the period and our teacher had given us the rest of the time to start on the homework assignment.

"I can't afford to not do well on this test. I can't live with tapping into Charlie's retirement savings for college and I need to get that scholarship I applied for. This class is threatening to throw off my GPA."

"Don't worry, Bella. You'll do fine. You always do."

"Fine won't be good enough this time." She slumped over in her seat so that her elbows hit the desk, rested her face in her palms, and slipped her fingers into her hair.

"Did you want to study after class? We can go to the library. Or do you have work?"

Bella worked at the Newton's sporting goods shop. She'd gone on a few dates with their son, Mike, because he was a fairly nice guy and she had a hard time saying no. He wasn't hard to look at, with blond hair and blue eyes, but there was no fire between them. Also, Jessica was his number one groupie and it wasn't worth competing with her for him. Still, Mike liked Bella so much that he'd do anything to be around her. So, when she started looking for a job, he'd talked his parents into letting her work for them.

"No, I'm off tonight. Just let me tell Charlie to order pizza or something and then we'll head over."

There were pros and cons to having this as the last session of the day. It was nice to know that we wouldn't have to go through our other classes in a fog, after Trig practically tore our insides out, but it usually ruined the remainder of the evening.

I saved us a table in the far back so that as people trickled in and out we wouldn't be disrupted by them. Chances were that we'd be here for a while. Bella joined me with an armful of snacks from the vending machine and dumped everything onto the table.

"Ready?" I could see her answer coming before she gave it.

"No." Bella plopped into her chair, in a sulk.

"Come on. We can do this." It was going to be a long night if she was already this bummed out. "Hey, I know what'll cheer you up!"

"Good luck," she huffed out and then sighed.

"Did you hear that Tanya made out with Mike last weekend?" The blond of skanks one and two was hard at work.

"What?" She creased her brow, intrigued but not yet brightened. "He didn't mention anything at work last night."

"Well, all I know is that Jessica found out and was crying in the bathroom when I went in there this morning. I overheard her talking to Kate about it."

It was working. She already seemed distracted from her worries. "I didn't even know Kate and Jessica were close."

Kate hung out with our group of friends but didn't seem to belong to anyone in particular. She was kind and witty but not desperate to feel a part of anything. She was independent.

"I don't think they are. Maybe it was just a timing thing," I deduced.

"Hm. I don't know why but that does make me feel a little better."

I knew why it cheered me up. I'm not a spiteful person but the idea of Jessica having kissing troubles, when she'd caused me so many, just seemed like karma. "Well, good then. You want to start, now?"

"I guess so." She cracked open her book and we began working on the homework, trading answers to see if we were getting the same ones.

From needing to look over at each other's notes and different things we'd point to in the book, Bella and I had ended up sitting considerably close. At some point, the side of my leg became flush with hers. Neither of us thought to move away from the other.

I told myself that it wasn't so abnormal. We'd sat close before. Hell, we'd shared the same bed whenever either of us slept over the other's house. It was more comfortable than the couch and it wasn't as if we had any reason not to.

But, no matter how I attempted to rationalize, the truth was that my leg felt as if it had fused with hers. Even if I wanted to, I wasn't sure I'd be able to pull myself away. After all of these years, I couldn't understand this concentrated reaction to her.

She was the very same Bella that she'd always been. Nothing had changed – not over the course of a couple of weeks anyway. So, why was I feeling attached to her in ways that I hadn't before? Or better yet, why was I longing for a different form of attachment than what we currently shared?

So now you're longing for her? I chose not to pursue that thought any further.

After scrubbing her eraser over a problem she was working on, Bella dropped her pencil and we both went to grab it from the floor. On the way down, her forehead collided with the top of mine. We barked out synchronized ows and ouches and grabbed the front of our heads.

"Are you okay?" I asked, through laughter.

"Yeah. You get used to injuries when you're me."

"While I'm glad your ego is alright, I was more curious about your head. You crashed into me pretty hard."

I reached over and removed her hand, concerned that her pale complexion would easily blemish and the spot would be hard to miss. It was red but fading. I didn't think she'd bruise, or not noticeably in any case.

"Looks okay. I don't think there'll be any serious damage."

"Good to know." While pulling her hand away from the potential wound, I'd unthinkingly continued to hold it. I'd also inched close enough to feel her breath on my skin, while trying to examine her face. Once more, Bella didn't move away."And you?"

"Me?" It was difficult to think straight with her so near.

"Yeah. How's your head?" She reached up and brushed her fingers along the spot where we'd crashed.

"Fuzzy." I didn't know why I said that. I wasn't even sure where it came from. She blushed and, almost immediately following, someone on the other side of the library knocked over a load of books and ripped us from our momentary trance.

Bella eased her hand from mine, retrieving her pencil, and then scooted back in her chair. She returned her focus to the book and I sat there starring at her.

Damn it! What was that?

I was getting frustrated. I'd thought it was nothing. At most, I'd thought it was just me. But Bella was not acting like someone entirely uninterested.

Maybe I could figure it out if it weren't for all of the interruptions.

…Or if you'd just ask her, you big wuss.

Great, now you're answering yourself, Angela. Isn't that the first sign of insanity?

Bella reddened again and I realized that I was still gaping at her, and that she knew it. I shifted back in my seat and tried to concentrate on the chapter. Which chapter? I couldn't tell you. What were we studying? I had no clue.

I watched the page, aimlessly, as if the math equations held solutions to the quizzing in my mind. They both seemed equally complex and impossible for me to solve on my own.

SO TALK TO HER! You're finally alone with her. What's your excuse now?

Just as I'd gotten my courage up and was about to utter the word's I'd yet to decide on, Bella beat me to the chase. "I should go. It's getting late."

"It's only five, and I thought you told Charlie to order pizza." I sounded defensive.

It felt like she was running away from me. I could feel a gap developing between us. The blend of wanting more from her than I'd always had, even if I didn't understand what more was, coupled with feeling her slip away was almost nauseating.

"Yeah but this is useless. I'm getting nowhere and, because of work, I'm hardly ever home anymore. I should go have dinner with him."

I was, clearly, far more disappointed than someone being relieved from Trig studying should have been, but I just wasn't ready to say goodnight yet. This was the most we'd talked in days. I needed more time.

"Did you want a ride home?" she asked.

I'd completely forgotten that I needed to call my dad to come get me. We'd decided not to bother with buying me a car since the money would be better spent on school and I likely wouldn't end up needing one. I fought back the relief induced smile that threatened to break free. The only word I could find to describe my sudden mood was elated.

"Sure. Thanks." Thankfully, I'd somehow managed to control the tone of my response.

*****

I knew I was losing time – wasting a perfect opportunity – but for the majority of the ride to my house, I said nothing. We'd packed up our things, walked to her monster of a red Chevy truck, and sat silently, the entire time. There could have been a pit of fire between us. I was both repelled and drawn inward. It sweltered to the point that my instincts warned me to stay away, yet I couldn't help wanting to be closer to something so exuberant.

When she'd pulled into the drive way, I sat there for a moment feeling so incomplete but totally at a loss for words. Yes, I wanted to talk to her, but it was beginning to bother me that she didn't seem to have anything to say, either. So, after an extraordinarily long two minutes, I grabbed my bag and began to climb out of the truck. I didn't even have enough life in me to say goodnight. I was flustered, overwhelmed, and simply fed up with myself. Going to bed at six sounded like a fantastic idea.

Then she grabbed my hand.

"Wait," she pleaded. I paused, halfway in and out of the car, and looked back at her. "Thanks for today."

"Sure."

Is that all she wanted to say; 'thanks for studying with me?' She didn't need to thank me for that. I'd almost rather she said nothing at all, since that wasn't what I wanted to hear.

So, what do you want to hear, Angela? I started to sigh at myself. This was getting old.

"I really don't know what I'd do without you." Her voice was small. She seemed to be saying something other than 'thanks for being a good friend'. Unless it was wishful thinking, it sounded more like 'I'm scared to lose you'. Optimism was no friend of mine.

"Well, that's not something you'll ever have to worry about." I squeezed her hand, reassuringly. She squeezed back. Then, she brushed her thumb into a circular shape and freed me. "Bella?"

"I'll see you at school tomorrow, k?" She'd spoken at the same time I started to and I didn't have the energy to try again. So, I said goodnight and left.

*****

I was done trying to convince myself that I was only making things up. I was sick of not having the courage to say something to her. And I was even more exhausted with the fact that she kept trying to act like things were normal.

Nothing was normal. We would either continually catch each other in lost gazes or hardly say two words to one other, for nearly whole days. Little touches seemed to linger. I always felt that strange tingle and pull toward her. I had no clue what she felt.

She could have pitied her poor best friend, been avoiding her own feelings, or possibly even trying to figure out how to say goodbye. I hoped beyond hope that it wasn't the latter. Though, by that point, I almost wouldn't have been surprised.

The worst part, however, was accepting that I was officially crushing on my best friend, who happened to be a girl. Bella had always been pretty to me, but in a subtle way. Her beauty wasn't obtrusive. It didn't smack you in the face and demand that you take notice. You had to be paying attention.

But certain things about her became more and more difficult to ignore. She was so fair that she nearly shimmered in the light. The handful of freckles on each of her cheeks accented her coffee brown eyes so that they were almost hypnotizing when she looked directly in yours. Her hair was thick and auburn, with red flecks that only emerged under the sun. And her lips were actually more red than pink – almost burgundy.

In the beginning, I'd tried to tell myself that it was simply the kissing I was fond of. That I'd discovered, through the safety of kissing my best friend, that it was something I'd like to do again. But as time went on, I knew it was her.

While kissing in itself was nice, I was starting to gage that who I kissed was most important. I'd actually sat down and tried to think of everyone I'd ever wanted to kiss before. There were many dreamy actors that I'd imagined doing that with, after I watched them plant one on their casted girl friend. I'd always sort of wondered what it would be like to kiss Ben, for real. But when I tried to picture kissing even a single other girl from our school, I came up empty.

The Amazonian sisters were gorgeous. They were model like with long black hair and matching russet legs. They had sultry voices and exotic features. They were the type of girls I would see in a magazine and compare myself to. But I didn't want to kiss either of them.

Alice was cute and perky. Her personality alone seemed like an attractive quality. She was petite and everything she wore looked amazing on her. But all I could ever picture doing with her were mani-petis and movie nights.

So, it was just Bella. I'd figured out that I still liked boys. I remembered when Charlie's friend Billy brought his son, Jake, over to Bella's with him to watch a game one night. Bella and I were there studying. I still stirred every time I pictured his stunning smile, reddish brown skin, and ridiculously large arms. And he was taller than me! It was only his age that threw me off. But the memory of him, and its effects, felt like enough to confirm that I wasn't a lesbian.

It wasn't as if that would have been a bad thing. I might have actually had better luck with girls than I'd had with boys and could stop wasting my time not really pursuing them. Furthermore, girls probably wouldn't have been so concerned about things like height differences. But it would have been an interesting conversation to have with my father, the minister.

Well, if you and Bella ever…

Ever what?!

Great! I'm arguing with myself, again.

I'd been sitting on my bed, staring at a book I wasn't reading, when my cell phone rang. It was Bella. She was probably calling about homework or something. That seemed to be the only basis for conversation anymore.

"Hello."

"Hey Ang."

"Hi Bella. Everything okay?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't it be?"

"I don't know." …Maybe because you haven't called me in I don't even know how many days.

"What 'cha doin'?" She sounded bored but wasn't the type to hop on the phone to pass the time.

"Trying to read Hamlet. You?"

"Trying to decide whether or not to say yes to Mike for Prom."

That made more sense. "He asked you out, again?"

"Yup."

"Boy, he's persistent." Instead of sympathizing, I'd started to think of him as a spaz. He couldn't take a hint.

"…And resilient."

"So, what's the problem? I thought you weren't even going. You hate dances."

"I do."

"Then?" I pushed. It seemed simple to me.

"I don't know. I guess I feel bad turning him down, again. He's always so nice to me."

"Well, if he's only being nice so that you'll go with him to the prom, then I think that's sort of lame anyway."

"Maybe. Are you going?"

I scoffed. "Who with? It's not like anyone's beating down my door."

"I'm surprised Ben hasn't asked you."

"Ben? Why would he ask me?" That was a strange direction for her to go. It almost sounded as if she was testing me or something.

"Oh come on, Ang. You know he's liked you since the eighth grade."

"Sure. Of course I knew that. I must have just forgotten how many times he's asked me out. He nearly rivals Mike."

"Alright then, forget about Ben. Why don't we just go?" What? Is Bella asking me to the prom?

"Together?"

"Sure. Then I can tell Mike that I promised to go with you, instead." Oh, so I'm just an excuse. Great. "Besides, friends do that all the time don't they; go stag but together?"

"I don't know."

"What? Embarrassed to go with a girl to the dance?" She chuckled.

Ha!

"No. That's not it. It's just…" Just what Angela? Just that the idea sounds kind of appealing and it's weirding you out? That you're butt hurt because she's only using you to weasel out of going with Mike. "Look, neither of us really wants to go, right? Who says we have to? Why don't we just do something else? We can go to the movies or something, instead."

"Hmm. You know, that doesn't sound like a bad idea. I actually kind of like it." I could almost hear her smiling.

I wasn't sure which was worse: almost enjoying the idea of going with Bella to prom or that what used to just be movie night with my friend gave me the butterflies of a first date.

Is that what this is? Did I just ask Bella out on a date?

No, loser! Stop trying to make something out of nothing! There's nothing date like about this. It's no different than any other time you've gone out, before.

"I'll borrow the car from my mom this weekend and we can go up to Port Angeles." There was no need to make such a long trip in her ancient treasure, as only she thought of it.

"Works for me. Well, I'll let you get back to Hamlet. I've got to go let Mike down, again."

"Good luck. See you at school."

"See ya."

*****

The rest of the week played out without a hitch. Bella seemed to be in good spirits, which was actually a change from the past couple of weeks. Things were practically comfortable, again.

But I was still very much in crush mode; more so with each passing day, in fact. It was becoming difficult to balance just being friends with her when there were so many points in the day that I'd want to reach out and touch her in some way. There were both touches that any friend would do – like removing a piece of lint from her shirt or catching her when she stumbled – as well as the ones that only someone looking far too closely would be interested in.

When her hair would fall into her face, I'd want to push it back, so that it didn't obstruct my view of her. If a little bit of sauce ended up on the corner of her mouth, I'd be tempted to clear it with a finger, just to feel her lips. But the thing that occupied my attention most was her garnet blush.

There were many things that could make Bella's face color. In fact, it took almost nothing. Any recognition or compliment would generate the reaction. However, at this point, the easily triggering events rarely occurred.

So, I'd find myself intrigued by each flush of her skin. What had she been thinking of to make that happen? If it arose during any interaction I had with her, I couldn't help but wonder if I'd caused it. And each time her skin reddened, I'd have to wrangle back the urge to graze my fingers across the scarlet area.

These things made me almost woozy whenever I thought about being alone with her on Saturday night. I had no idea what to expect and I didn't know what the hell made me want to expect anything, at all. The facts were simple.

Bella and I had kissed on a dare at a sleep over. Nothing else had happened. Sure, I'd spiraled into this frenzied fascination. But otherwise, we'd what…flirted? Were we flirting? I didn't even know what that was. And while I knew, for certain, that something between us had shifted, I couldn't begin to identify the change.

So, maybe Saturday would be a good thing. If nothing else, maybe I could get some answers in that time. It was possible that I wouldn't like the resolution I received, but that had to be better than not knowing.

"So you're really not going to prom, Bella?" Friday, at lunch, a bored Jessica decided to provoke an easy Bella. It was unsurprising that she wasn't concerned about me not going to prom. She knew that Mike had only asked her, at the very last possible minute, because Bella had shot him down.

"Nope."

"What on earth could you be doing that's more fun than Prom?"

"Anything would be more fun than going to the prom, but Angela and I are going to the movies." Bella's tone was spry, at least for her.

"You're not going to prom either, Angela?!" I just shook my head. I wasn't really in the mood to play this game. "You guys are weird. What about you, Alice?"

"I'd already scheduled a trip with Edward this weekend. So, I'll have to pass. I didn't have anyone to go with anyway. The future love of my life is in college."

Alice was in love with Jasper, Emmet's – her older brother's – best friend. He'd always been sweet to her, but she was too young to date before she'd switched schools two years ago in the move to Forks. She was a young senior, at only seventeen. Emmett and Jasper went to the University of Florida and played football for the Gators.

Edward was Alice's twin brother. He'd been accepted into a music program at the Cincinnati School for Creative and Performing Arts when they moved. He and Alice were going to spend the weekend looking at different colleges they'd been accepted into.

I looked over and saw Bella blushing. There was only one thing that could have caused that response. While they'd never met, Bella had an intense picture crush on Edward. She'd said he was the most handsome man she'd ever seen.

They'd spoken over the phone for less than a minute when Alice asked her to answer it one day. From the moment Bella heard his melodic voice on the other end, all other boys she'd ever met seemed inferior in comparison to the amazingly talented and gorgeous Edward Cullen. She was his biggest secret admirer.

The sudden pang I felt in my stomach surpassed unfamiliar. I wasn't sure, but it seemed as if my feelings were hurt. Was I jealous of Edward?

I'd only ever experienced envy before and that was rare. Jealousy was new for me. And it wasn't as if I had just cause to feel that way.

Did I want Bella to only blush for me? No! I was attracted to different people.

…Apparently including her.

I was tempted to tell myself to shut up. I had to get some space. I needed to clear my head.

"I'm gonna take off – head to French."

"But there's still five minutes of lunch left," Jessica complained. I didn't even react to her. What did she care?

"Hey, I'll come with you. Do you mind?" Alice began grabbing her things before I could reply.

French was the only class she and I shared. I didn't mind her company and she must have known I wouldn't. While I felt the need to get away, being alone with my thoughts was not exactly ideal.

"Not at all."

She sprung up and we headed for class. When we were out of earshot and sight of everyone else, Alice began probing. While I hadn't quite expected it, it wasn't a complete shock either.

"Is everything okay, Angela? If it's possible, you seem even quieter than normal."

"Yeah." I attempted a nonchalant heckle. "Everything's fine. There's just been a lot to think about lately – you know, with graduation coming up and everything."

"Of course." She gave me an empathetic smile. It worried me a little. "It's just… Look, I know Bella's your best friend and, since she's become like a sister to me, I also know she's taking great care of you. But, if you ever want to talk, I'm here."

Why was I getting the impression that Alice was more aware than she should be? Had Bella said something to her? "Thanks, but really, I'm fine. Sorry if I've been quiet. I just get trapped in my head sometimes."

"Oh I know. You see, I'm fairly intuitive. I can sense things and am pretty good at calling the outcomes of things before they happen. Plus, I know you can't always talk to the people you're closest to about what you're feeling. So, I just want you to know that you're not alone – you don't have to keep it all in your own head."

What was she saying? Could she sense what I was going through? Was I that conspicuous? Maybe I'd been gaping at Bella more than I thought.

"I can't say I know exactly what you mean, but I'll try to keep that in mind. I really appreciate you caring."

"What can I say? I'm a caring person." She bounced and gleamed, proud to have offered her assistance.

I couldn't help but chuckle from her cheerfulness. It was infectious. I had to remember to spend more time with Alice, in the future. You just didn't meet many people like her in life and she was impossible to stay miserable around.

Miserable eh? I mentally rolled my eyes. When did I become so self critical?

*****

I didn't have the chance to worry myself crazy on Saturday. The twins were recovering from a cold and the house was a wreck. They were going to my grandparents' for the weekend so that my parents could get some time to themselves. I spent the day helping to clean up.

Bella texted to confirm we were still on for the night and ask if I had anything in mind to watch. I replied saying I'd be at her house around five and that I'd see anything but a horror movie. I'd likely be queasy enough without blood and guts thrown into the mix.

The uneasiness hit me when I began the drive to her house. I wasn't allowing myself to think. I'd done enough thinking to last me a few years. This was just two friends going to the movies. But even if my brain said one thing, my nervous system seemed to feel differently.

To my surprise, all angst washed away the moment Bella hopped in the car, smiling a mile wide. She was virtually glowing. It made me feel warm all over to see her so happy, even if it had nothing to do with me.

"Hi Ang! How's it going?"

"Good. What's with you?"

"I don't know. It's a nice day. And it's good to get out of the house."

"Huh. I hadn't even noticed. I guess it is nice out." I looked through the windshield, up to the sky, finally taking notice of the bright blue and white.

"How could you miss the sun when we spend every day blanketed by clouds?"

"Well, I was trapped inside cleaning all day."

"But you just drove over here."

"Guess I was sort of deep in thought." I started driving, so that my attention would appear to be more valuable elsewhere.

"Must have been thinking about something pretty interesting," she mumbled to herself. I may have blushed at that. I couldn't say for sure. "I got a package from Renee today."

"Really?"

Bella almost never saw her mother anymore. When she was eight, Renee left Charlie and took Bella from both of us. That lasted for about six months. She'd been in and out of several temp jobs and they decided that Charlie could provide Bella with more stability than Renee could.

She kept her flippant outlook about work, jumping from job to job on a whim, and eventually met a baseball player that she traveled the country with during his away games. They kept an apartment in Phoenix and Bella visited maybe every other year, for about a week, during the summer. She'd missed the past two trips and Renee didn't seem very torn up about it with her husband as a diversion.

"Yeah. She sent me a camera as a graduation gift. In the letter, she said I might want to capture all of my memories before I went off to college and that I should send her some pictures."

"Interesting. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I guess it's nice to know she still thinks of me on occasion."

"You know she does, Bella. She's your mom."

"I know. It's just rare that she shows it."

"Yeah. What kind of camera is it?" I didn't want to start down the depressing path of Renee: the absentee mother.

"Wanna see?"

"Sure." I reached out my hand, trying to focus on the road, and turned my head after a while of her not giving it to me. Then there was a bright flash. "Hey!"

"Perfect. Now I have the only memory I need."

"Whatever." I knew I was blushing that time.

Bella continued taking random pictures of any and everything, including me, for the duration of the ride. She'd show me ones she thought were interesting or artistic and we'd chat about different things that reminded us of recollections from our past. It was fun, and light.

We'd decided to see a movie called The Exception. The commercials made it seem almost like a Romantic Comedy, which wasn't preferred but it was still better than a scary movie. It turned out to be a straight Romance. In fact, it might more accurately have been labeled Dramatic Romance.

The lead girl's parents had divorced after her father cheated on her mother. Their family was torn apart over it. Her best friend, the lead guy, was her only relief until they parted for college. About a year into their successful careers, her father died and that's when they reunited. That was also the point in the movie when Bella started crying.

That same impulse to touch her hit me like a sudden storm and I didn't have the opportunity to think through my choices before my hand reached out to wipe the tear that had fallen upon her cheek. Once there, it automatically explored the texture of her skin: the heat from the flush of her upset and the softness of her unblemished flesh.

When I realized what I was doing, and that she hadn't retorted the act, I let myself enjoy the moment. Who knew if I'd get another? Then, I felt her hand along mine. I was so absorbed that I didn't notice she'd moved until the additional contact had been made.

She took my hand from her face, pulled it down to the arm rest between us, and then wove her fingers through mine. I starred at them for a while, literally in utter shock. We were holding hands.

It wasn't unheard of for girls to do this, even when the relationship was purely platonic. But this was definitely different for us. It wasn't as if we never touched each other, but we weren't the cuddly type of friends.

I turned back to the movie, altogether uninterested in it but, in need of a distraction. I was on the verge of bouncing in my seat, or at least squeezing her hand, and I was scared that any little thing might result in her taking it back. I didn't know what it meant but it was better than nothing – ten times better!

And she never did separate her hand from mine. We sat that way for the rest of the movie. Furthermore, at some point she'd gripped tighter, allowing me to finally do the same.

During this time, I realized how little initiative I'd been taking. I'd been so tormented over it all that I'd left everything between us up to chance. It seemed just one move might make the difference.

Of course, part of the problem was that I still couldn't say exactly what I wanted. It seemed my heart and mind were constantly at odds. The rational me argued that nothing good would come of this. Best case scenario would be that we parted on speaking terms. But the piece that seemed to be incessantly charged just wanted to feel something – anything.

That portion was sick of being lonely. It had found someone it wanted to hold and be held by. It sought a different type of kinship than Bella and I had upheld throughout the years and it only seemed to yearn for it from her.

When the movie ended, she gave me one last squeeze and then dropped my hand to reach for her purse. My empty palm felt preposterously cold afterward. I almost wanted to shove it in my pocket but feared she'd take that as me no longer wanting to hold her hand. If she'd give it to me, I'd enthusiastically take it.

Maybe you should be the one to offer yours, then. How about taking some of that initiative?

…Baby steps.

Yeah, right. More like excuses.

Oh whatever!

*****

The start of the trip home was quiet. The fire pit that sat between us after the last time we'd studied in the library had returned. It was difficult to focus on the road when all I wanted to do was tear my sweater over my head to cool down.

I had to break the tension. It was too much. "So, did you like the movie?"

"It made me cry."

"I remember."

"Of course you do," she said, softly. For someone I knew so well, I felt like I could never understand her anymore. Perhaps it was simply that I couldn't believe my ears. Everything just sounded like it meant something else these days. "I thought it was sweet. Not unpredictable but cute. You?"

I racked my brain trying to remember what I'd just starred at for the past two hours. Beyond the point when I'd wiped her tears, all I could recall was the feel of her hand. They were so little and soft. The part below her thumb was the smoothest and it fit right into the center of mine, perfectly. She had small veins on the back of her hand and I'd reflexively swept my fingers past them a few times, memorizing the grooves they created.

You expect this to help you remember the movie?! "I liked it."

"Are you sure? You seemed a little stuck there for a minute."

"Yeah. Like you said, it was cute."

"Mhm."

"What?!" Now you've done it!

"Oh nothing." It was never nothing with Bella. But I wasn't certain I wanted to know what the something was.

She reached over to my wrist and toyed with the bracelet around it. I wore a black roped band that looked more like a hair tie than a piece of jewelry. The only differentiator was the silver rectangle it held, with the engraving "مخلوق ماته" on it. The words translated to soul mate in English. Bella wore a solid silver ring with the same print, on her thumb.

"Do you remember when we got these?" She brushed her fingers across the etched words while waiting for my reply.

"You know I do." I'd suddenly found it very difficult to speak, as if the air in the car had thinned and I didn't have enough breath to speak at a reasonable volume.

My parents had taken us back to school shopping and we'd found them in one of the small Port Angeles boutiques. It was the week before we started high school and Bella had been back from Renee's house for maybe a day. She'd just met Phil and was having a hard time with the idea of her mom loving anyone besides her dad.

Bella had always assumed that Renee only wanted to be a free spirit. She'd secretly and groundlessly hoped the thrill would eventually fade and she'd come back. Knowing that love could shift around so easily left her doubting its strength.

She told me all she ever needed was me in her life; that friends were plenty and love would more likely only leave her heartbroken. Combining Renee's new love with having watched Charlie pick up the pieces the divorce had left behind, and basically raise her alone, somewhat tarnished her opinion of relationships. She felt success like my parents' was almost luck of the draw.

When we saw the accessories, we'd immediately admired their simplistic beauty. Once we found out the meaning behind the words, Bella insisted we each have one, to remind us of what was most important in life. I'd never taken mine off and couldn't remember her doing so either.

"I'm surprised you still wear this," she mused.

"Why? You still wear yours."

"Yeah, but…"

I captured her thumb, placing my fingers around her ring. "Do you think this means any less to me?"

…Than it did then? …Than it does to you?

She intertwined her fingers through mine and continued her fiddling with my bracelet, using her other hand. "No. I know it doesn't."

We spent the rest of the ride in silence. I needed to focus on the road in order to make the drive with just one hand, which I had every intention to do since there was nearly nothing that could pry mine away from hers. Otherwise, it seemed we'd said enough for one night. There was a great deal of calm in the quiet.

I pulled up to the front of her house and we both eyed Charlie's cruiser in the drive way. It was time to say goodnight. Would everything be different on Monday, or better yet back to normal?

She slowly swept two fingers over the back of the hand she held. "I had fun, tonight."

"Me too."

"Call you tomorrow?" Was she asking me? Since when did she have to ask to call me? Or was this that thing people did after dates when they were really saying not to expect a call.

This would have to have been a date for that to happen?

Wasn't it?

Instead of waiting for a reply, she leaned over the arm rest, quickly kissed my cheek, and then hopped out of the car. She'd walked to the door and let herself into the house without looking back. It took me another two minutes to compose myself enough to drive home.

*****

The next day was quiet. Joshua and Isaac had successfully made it to my grandparents' and my mom and dad were running errands in preparation for a dinner party they'd be attending later that night. Bella did call. She'd forgotten to check the mail the day before and had received an acceptance letter from NYU.

She wasn't sure how Charlie was going to react to the news. She'd neglected to tell him that she was applying, from fear that he'd pull some over-my-dead-body card and try to prevent her from making an attempt. She wasn't even sure she wanted to go but wanted the option, at a minimum. He was not a fan of big cities in general and, naturally, New York would be a hard one for him to swallow.

After we'd talked through all of the potential directions the conversation could go, she told me she'd text or call later to let me know how everything worked out. When I received a text at ten thirty that night, I assumed things went better than expected or else she would have called needing me to calm her down. I was wrong.

She was at the door and texting instead of ringing the bell, so that she didn't wake my parents. She didn't know they weren't around to wake. How had I missed the booming of her loud truck outside?

"Oh my god, Bella, you're soaking wet. Get in here!" Apparently, the rain had drowned out her driving.

"What about your parents?"

"They're at the Crowley's. Now come inside." She sloshed in, sopping everywhere, and I made her stop at the tiled in the entry way. "Mom will kill me if you stain the rugs. You're going to have to take that stuff off."

Without another word, she slipped out of her rain coat, handed it to me, kicked off her boots, dropped her jeans and then passed them over as well. Right away, I noticed that she was shivering. I'd only had the door open for a minute and had goose bumps over every place my thin cotton shorts and tank top didn't cover. So I could only imagine how cold she was. I took her hand and led her upstairs to my room. She went straight to my bed and got under the covers, and laid down on her side facing me.

"Better?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Angela."

"Now, do you want to tell me what happened?"

"I don't even know. It all went so fast."

"How about you start at the beginning?" After placing her drenched clothes in my desk chair, I plopped onto the bed in front of her. I pulled the comforter over my bare legs and moved some of the wet hair out of her face.

"When I told Charlie I got into NYU, he started barking at me about where I couldn't go to school, what he wouldn't allow, and what he wasn't going to pay for. I told him I'd never asked him for anything and that I was an adult who could make my own choices. He told me I was obviously making poor ones and I lost it.

"I told him I'd basically raised myself, between Renee acting like a child and him working all the time. It ended with me saying I didn't need him, which isn't even a little bit true. I just hate it when he gets all bossy and controlling. He can't treat me like a child sometimes and expect me to act like an adult all of the others."

"I'm sure he understands you were just upset, Bella. It sounds like you both probably said some things you didn't mean."

"I know but I don't like fighting with him when I won't even be here soon. I know I shouldn't but I just can't help it. He's so unreasonable sometimes."

"It'll be fine. Don't worry about it. Just give him some time to get used to the idea," I reassured.

"Yeah. You mind if I stay here for a while?"

"You know you don't have to ask. Stay as long as you need to." I reclined beside her, on my back, trying to get back some of the comfort I'd had before needing to answer the door.

"Did I wake you?"

"No. I was waiting to see how this went, remember?"

"Oh, great. So I was keeping you up." Bella was throwing herself a pity party. That just wouldn't do.

"No silly. It's not even eleven. Stop worrying so much." I watched a tear slip from her lid and trail down the line of her nose. "Bella?"

"Sometimes I just wish Renee was here. It'd be nice to have some air cover, you know – another voice of reason between us? Charlie and I are so hot headed together."

I turned fully toward her and caught the tear. "Yeah. I can see how a tie breaker would be nice to have around."

She reached up and placed her hand over mine, like she'd done the night before, but this time pressed it to her still cold face. I felt her skin begin to warm under my touch and skimmed my thumb over her cheek, soothingly. Then she brought my palm to her lips and kissed the inside of my hand.

Insentience, I slid my fingers over her lips as I eased them away from her. I didn't have an inkling of what I – we – were doing, anymore. I watched her watch me, both of us frozen in silence. Then she reached up and traced my mouth.

"Do you know your lips are heart shaped?" The question had to be rhetorical.

We were so close that I could feel the coolness of her skin emitting in my direction. I'd rested close to her in order to hear her low murmurings. Now that the mood seemed to have altered, I was very aware of what the proximity allowed for.

"Should we talk?"

She shook her head no. "Not tonight?"

It seemed like she was asking me to just go with it. I wanted to. I'd wished for this for so long, but I wasn't sure we were doing things the right way.

She caressed the side of my face and then pulled me to her. Even with my doubt, I didn't hesitate. Some primitive part of me knew exactly what to do this time. I leaned forward and my hand immediately untangled her damp hair.

I don't know who kissed who. We may have simply kissed each other. But our lips met and the impact was more like a crash than a union. It seethed with desperation. There was no softness, no serenity; only requisite.

I gasped and clutched tighter when her tongue entered my mouth. If I had to guess what heaven tasted like, this would be the best example I could come up with. The bond was instantaneous. She set me aflame and I handed myself over to her.

I'd needed to feel her – to know that she felt something for me – so much that any ounce of validation made me hopelessly frantic. Yet, her ache felt different then mine. I could tell. She was vulnerable. In this moment, what she needed most was a distraction.

But it was too good. She was soft, and smelled nice. Her lips were plump and melded into mine like they belonged there. Her hand slipped under the hem of my shirt and the skin along my back pricked as if it was being magnetized. I wanted the sensation everywhere. I needed to be closer.

One of my legs climbed over her hip, bringing her nearer to me. She hooked her ankle over the leg that was propping me up and brought it between her thighs, so that my weight shifted to her. We were two crossed scissors.

We motioned back and forth, seesawing, each of us tugging at the other. Then I noticed the vibrations being drawn from the friction her leg created and that I'd been rubbing myself against her to produce it further. I hadn't even realized I'd been whimpering until that moment.

This was like nothing I'd ever experienced: the heat, the energy, the desire for more. Each gratification was only enough to make me impatient for the next. Bella was whimpering too and I thought I might cry from the mere concept of her enjoying being here with me.

And then my stupid, logical, overly analytical, brain started shouting at me. It demanded that I listen. It alerted that things shouldn't happen this way – that they couldn't.

We were moving too fast. We'd have regrets after we slept on it. Bella wasn't thinking. I was surrendering to primal cravings.

"Bella." I spoke against her lips. She ignored me at first, gripping my side. I had to try again before I lost my will. "Bella."

"Angela, please." She rolled me onto my back, straddled me, and kissed down the length of my jaw.

This was impossible. I had so many conflicting emotions. She felt so right, in my arms, pressed against me. Her touch was like the one thing I'd been missing all my life. And hell, I was beyond turned on. I never wanted this to stop.

But I needed her to talk to me. It'd hurt too much if she was ashamed of this later. I wanted her, but I needed to know what this meant to her.

"Bella. Please talk to me." I prayed that she'd understand. This wasn't rejection; it was nowhere near. I'd do almost anything for her – with her – but this had to be reciprocated.

I placed my hands on either side of her face and brought her to my line of site. She wouldn't look at me. Her lids were shut and she sighed in defeat.

"I should go." Her voice broke and I couldn't tell if she was embarrassed or in pain. She flew off of me, grabbing her clothes, and struggling to get them on in their still sodden and thus clingy state.

"What? Why? Don't—"

"I'm sorry." She ran for the stairs with more agility than I'd ever seen from her. I could hardly register what was happening before I jumped from the bed and ran after her; except, she'd had a head start.

"Sorry? Why are you running? Bella, don't do this!" She was already at the door by the time I reached the last of the steps. "Please!"

And then she was gone.

*****

Bella didn't show up to school on Monday. I had a pretty good feeling that whatever sickness she'd claimed to have resulted from the need to avoid the best friend she'd dry humped the night before. I was at a loss.

I couldn't bring myself to feel bad for anything. Not the kiss, the stuff during the kiss, or for stopping it. What I did feel was tired, and not just because I'd gotten no sleep the night before. The helplessness of wanting something I wasn't sure I could have and trying to figure out if it was even an option, through one sided conversations with myself, was draining. In hindsight, it wasn't all that surprising that Bella ran. Many people probably would have done the same thing.

But it was hard. I couldn't handle the strain this was placing on us. I missed her. Not just the things that I hadn't even had the chance to get used to, like holding or kissing her, but the companionship we'd had for most of my life. It was lonely trying to do this on my own. All I wanted was to talk to her, the way I use to.

"I got Bella's Chem and History homework. Will you bring it when you drop off her English and Trig assignments?" Alice placed a tiny stack of papers on my desk. I'd gone to French early, indifferent about lunch, and was waiting for the class to begin.

"Huh?" Were we having a conversation that I'd missed out on? While I had been fairly deep in thought, I would have noticed someone speaking to me, right?

"Since you and Bella have those classes together, I'm sure you were planning to give her the assignments tonight. I thought I'd grab her others for you, as well." I starred at her blankly, unsure of what to say. "Angela, just go talk to her."

"What do you mean?"

"Look. I don't know what's going on with you two, but I know there's something."

"Did Bella say something?"

"No. She didn't have to. I told you, I'm observant. And don't worry. No one else has noticed anything." I wasn't entirely relieved by that.

"Okay..."

"Bella's not here and she never misses school. You look miserable. And you saw her this weekend, right?"

"Yes." There was no way around that one.

"Well, we both know Bella can be stubborn, and more so, she takes a while to work things out. She's had a day to process whatever you guys are going through. So, go talk to her."

I've tried, I wanted to say. She wouldn't. She ran from me, I almost argued. I'm scared, I nearly admitted.

She must have been able to read it all in my face. "Trust me, Angela. I know these things. Everything will be fine if you just go over there."

"Alright." I took the pages and put them in my bag.

I was beaten. I didn't have the energy to fight with either of them but I could at least give Bella her homework. There was no need to throw everything else off balance just because she and I were in some weird space.

After dinner, I borrowed the car and drove over to Bella's. I wasn't sure whether or not to be glad when Charlie's car wasn't in the drive way. I took a deep breath, clearing my mind of any expectations, and rang the door bell.

I heard a small thud, slight clatter, and then the door swung open. "Angela. What are you doing here?"

"I brought your homework." I lifted the pages to her and waited for her to take them. She did so slowly, examining them as if they were something other than schoolwork.

"Thanks. You didn't have to."

"No worries." I started to turn and head back to the car.

"Did you want to come in?"

I pivoted back toward her. "It's fine. I should probably go."

I stalked back to the car before she could disagree. I heard footsteps patter behind me. Then felt her clasp my wrist.

"Wait." I stopped walking but didn't turn to face her. I felt myself cracking and I couldn't fall apart over this. I didn't even remember feeling hurt or sad – just frustrated and powerless. "Don't go."

"Why?" It came out in a whisper. It was a big question for such a small word. There were so many layers to it and in truth it covered more than just one inquiry. She turned me to face her.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" I wasn't trying to antagonize her. I needed her to elaborate.

"I shouldn't have left like that. I freaked."

"Okay." I still didn't understand what that meant. Should she have stayed? Should she have explained herself before taking off?

"Please come inside."

"I don't know Bella."

"I'm ready to talk, if you still want to." I nodded and let her guide me to the house, still holding my hand.

*****

I sat at her kitchen table, watching as she made me a cup of tea that I hadn't asked for. It was true that I liked the beverage and she knew I'd drink it, but she was stalling. She set the mug down and then sat in the seat across from me.

I stirred the water with the tea bag. She said she was ready to talk, so she was going to have to lead this one. I was still dreadfully low on vigor.

"So," she searched. I peered at her and raised a brow. That wasn't going to cut it. "Okay. I guess I can start, but I don't know what to say."

"And you think I do," I said, dubiously and under my breath.

"No. I guess not," she ceded. I pulled the bag from the mug, went to the trash to toss it, and sat back down. "Angela, do you like me? I mean…you know what I mean, right?" She sounded insecure. Was she kidding?

"Isn't that evident by now?"

"I don't know. I mean … It seemed like you did, but I couldn't be sure. And after last night, I just thought maybe I'd read wrong."

"Last night is what's making you question my feelings?" I was as much a participant in last night's events as she was. She shrugged. "What about you?" I queried, with a shaky voice.

"What?"

"Come on, Bella."

"Are you asking if I like you? Didn't I kiss you last night? Didn't I hold your hand on Saturday?"

"Didn't I do all of those things, too?" I defended.

"But you stopped."

I looked to my mug, exasperated. She couldn't be serious. "Yes I stopped. But, I wanted to kiss you. I have wanted to kiss you for I don't even know how long, now – since Jessica's party. But I had no way of knowing what you wanted. You wouldn't talk to me. And I can't help but feel a little convenient sometimes."

"Convenient? What would make you say that?!"

I shook my head, trying to think. I was saying this wrong. "Bella I– "

"No. What do you mean by convenient?" She knew I was going to take it back and she wasn't going to let me. I pulled at my ponytail, aggravated with myself. What in the world made me think I was up for this?

"You didn't want to go to prom with Mike so you spent the night with me, instead. You were upset about Charlie so I was a distraction—"

"You think I used you?" Her voice was so low I wasn't sure I'd heard her right, and she'd spoken over me which made it harder to tell. I saw that her leg was shaking as she anxiously bounced it with the ball of her foot. And I could tell that she was trying not to cry.

"No Bella. That's not…I mean... What was I supposed to think? That you liked me, too?"

"It's easier to think that I'd use you, Angela?" Her voice took on a lifeless tone. I'd disappointed her.

"No! I just… I don't know."

"Stop saying that. You do know. They're your thoughts."

"I'm sorry. It's not you. I know you're not the type to do something like that. I just have trouble believing anyone would like me – especially my best friend who also happens to be a girl."

She looked up at me then, curious. "Why didn't you just say something?"

I could see the sympathy rolling over her. She didn't want to be upset with me and she knew I didn't mean to think so little of her. My doubts were self imposed.

"You didn't either." I looked away now, nervous and self-conscious. She leaned forward and put her hand over mine.

"First, I didn't need an excuse for Mike. If anything, Mike was more of an excuse for you. And yes, I was upset yesterday, but you're solace for me, Angela – not a distraction.

"You've wanted to kiss me since Jessica's party."She almost said it as though she was just now realizing. "I knew something was different for you that night but I couldn't say what. It took me a while to guess. When I thought I understood, the idea of you wanting me that way made me feel…warm? It wasn't until the night in the Library that it really hit me – that I recognized what that warmth was. I wanted you to want me because I wanted you too, if that makes any sense." So this was newer for her but not as new as I'd thought.

"It does." I started to smile but stopped. "How did you figure it out?"

"I know you pretty well, Ang. Once I stopped trying on every other explanation for size, it was sort of undeniable."

"Am I that obvious?" I hid my face in my hand and she pulled it away, holding both of mine in hers.

"Only to me." I smirked, knowingly. If anyone could figure me out, it was Bella.

*****

It had been nearly a week since Bella's and my second kiss. I'd considered it as much a cataclysm as it was a pinnacle for us. The first one had set things in motion but that one forced us forward.

However, we'd decided to ease into things after that. There'd been no kissing since. She'd hugged me before I left her house on Monday night. All was released in the embrace: the fret, the hurt, and most of the doubt.

Initially, it just felt nice to have my friend back. But then, I really let myself sink into it. I felt her curves aligned with mine and how, even in our differences, we fit well together. I inhaled her floral sent, soaked up her warmth, and relaxed against her hold. In turn, she seized me firmer. It was the longest and deepest hug I'd ever been a part of and the message rang loud and clear. We were home.

At school, we'd finally gotten our rhythm back. Even with our confirmed, newfound feelings, things flowed naturally between us. Nonetheless, nothing was the same.

Every glance displayed a twinkle. We fought back countless grins. And furthermore, we both felt each and every touch with more intensity, as charges shot between us.

At first, we'd simply let the small points of contact loiter. Then, eventually, we'd seek them out. No excuse was too small for one of us to reach out and feel the other. By the end of the week, we'd conceded and were discretely claiming each other in one way or another.

She'd trace circles into my knee or tickle my thigh if I sat close enough. I'd outline the arcs of her hand and play with her fingers under the table. Sooner or later our fingers would interlace.

Two completely different worlds were coexisting, side by side. To the best of our ability, we behaved casually on the surface. We only seemed as interested in each other as we ever were. Though, beneath it, we were bubbling over with excitement and need for each other.

Even more, that need seemed to be growing by the minute. My crush had grown into full blown desire. Ever since I'd had her so close and barely clad, it was all I could do to not picture her back in my bed, rolling around with me. I felt like a horny teenage boy. Bella was downright hot and I wanted her.

On the second to the last Friday of our high school careers, Bella and I sat in the back of our Trig class, as always, waiting for it to end. I peeked over at her and caught her blushing as she jotted something onto a sheet of paper. Then she folded it into a tight square and passed it to me.

It read: You look pretty today. I like it when you wear your hair down. I'd woken up early, from sunlight bursting through my window, and had time to blow dry my hair out after my shower. I bit back a smile and wrote, in reply: Thank you. You don't look so bad yourself. Blue is beautiful on you. I was rewarded with reddened cheeks that would put roses to shame, and only complimented her sapphire quarter length blouse more.

The bell rang and we collected our belongings. "What time to you want me to pick you up tonight?"

Jake had invited Bella to an end of year party at La Push beach. She'd asked me to come with her and I didn't see any reason to say no. We still hadn't established which outings were dates and which were not, but I was sure it wouldn't make much of a difference.

"Anytime is fine with me."

"Six?"

"Sure."

We wandered toward the parking lot, in preparation to part ways. This was always one of the thornier times of the day. We felt empty simply verbalizing our goodbye but weren't sure how to show any form of affection that wouldn't be noticeable. It wasn't as if anyone paid all that much attention to us. However, being the non-cuddly people that we'd been before, it seemed any touch might be telling.

It wasn't as if either of us was ashamed. It was only that involving people complicated things. This was new to us in so many ways that we didn't want to risk any form of interference. We thought it better to keep things veiled, for a while at least. We could figure the rest out later.

We walked closely, but only enough to appear vested in hearing each other speak at any audible volume. Our arms would brush with each sashay. And when we got to Bella's truck, she fastened our pinkies and said she'd see me later. My chest ached a little from having to settle for the unfulfilling gesture but any hint of tenderness from her still sent a jolt through me.

When Bella came to my door, at five fifty five, I let her inside and we finally collected the embrace we'd denied ourselves at school. I was euphoric to discover I'd had to wait five minutes less to see her. An onlooker might have perceived it as a reunion after many years instead of just hours, if we'd been outside.

She pulled away and slid the back of her fingers over my cheek. I rested my head against hers and closed my eyes, savoring the moment. Part of me need it to reign myself in. Taking things slowly was going to be a challenge. I was finding it harder and harder to remember our reasons for doing so in the first place.

Because neither of you have been in a relationship before, especially with a girl. Because she's your best friend and you don't want to ruin everything by rushing into things. Because conventional relationships are hard enough and you don't need to add to it by jumping into bed together on a whim. Because you wouldn't even know what the hell to do once you got there.

Okay, so I did remember the reasons. They were all very rational. But logic had gotten me nowhere with Bella in the past and I wasn't sure how much to bank on it anymore. The only thing I was certain of was how alive I felt when I was near her and that part of me was missing when I wasn't.

How was it possible to miss her so much in such a short time? How could I miss someone I'd known all my life and had seen almost every day of it; someone I'd been with a just few hours earlier? It was almost sad, but I couldn't bring myself to feel bad about it.

"Where are your parents?"

"Out of town. They're not coming back tonight," I disclosed. She blushed and I could only guess what thoughts were going though her mind. I warred with myself over leaving an empty house when I'd rather just be alone with her.

"You ready?" She was probably trying to save us from ourselves. I only partially wanted her to.

"Guess so," I yielded. She released me, turned for the door, and marched onward. I followed, just about dragging my feet.

The beach was beautiful at sunset. There was a bonfire and the waves were flowing in at a higher tide as night fell upon us. It was chilly, as always along the coast, but considerably comfortable for Washington.

We hadn't discussed it but I knew tonight would be another milestone for us. Date or not, we were together, in an unstructured environment, and in public. We hadn't formally agreed on any boundaries or even really conveyed how we felt about behaviors outside of school. So, the only thing I had to go on was that and our agreement to take our time.

We went to the pit and Jake spotted us at once. "Bella! Hey! You brought Angela. How's it going?"

"Things are good, Jake." They hugged and then Jake bent to hug me, as well.

"And how are you, Angela." His long arms engulfed my slight frame. It caught me off guard but I went with it.

"I'm good." He was such a cheerful kid. I imagined moods were usually light when he was around.

"Bella, Embry and Quil are over by the rocks if you want to go say hi to them. They're really looking forward to seeing you."

"Sure." She looked over at me, curious if I wanted to go to with her. Where else would I want to be? But apparently Jake had other ideas. He tapped my arm to get my attention.

"So, have you decided on a college, yet?" Jake asked. Bella turned away abruptly and then started off toward the other boys. That was strange. "You staying local or going away?"

"Huh? Oh, I think I'm going to UW."

"Nice. So you'll probably be home often, then."

"Yeah. I'd like being able to visit and not miss out on the boys growing up."

"Very cool. We should hang out when you come down. I fixed up my Rabbit and I'm always looking for an excuse to drive it further than the boarders of La Push." Was Jake asking me out?

No. You're being silly. "Sure."

"JAKE! Come here!" One of the other tall La Push boys Bella was talking to – I didn't know the difference between the two – called him over. He sighed. "Be right back."

He ran over to them and I turned to the fire, warming my hands by it. The sun had set and the air was brisk without the light to warm it. The conversation I'd just partaken in replayed itself while I let the red and orange flickers entrance me.

Bella and I hadn't talked about colleges since her fight with Charlie about NYU and then the conversation had nothing to do with us. Even outside of how I felt about her now, I'd spent a lot of time this year wondering what would happen to us if we didn't live so close. Then, I'd hoped something like physical distance wouldn't come between us. Currently, I didn't know if the space would be harder on us or if it would have less of an effect due to the added layer to our bond.

"Hey." Bella had come up behind me. I felt my worries wash away just from being back in her presence.

"Hey." My mellow tone was insulting to my internal enthusiasm. I turned to face her and saw that she hadn't maintained the serene demeanor she'd arrived with. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." The reply was too quick. She was covering. "Jake seems impressed by you."

"Oh yeah?" I couldn't tell where she was headed. Was she jealous? If she was, I remembered how I felt when Edward Cullen caused her blush and could relate.

"Yeah. He wouldn't shut up about you over there; said you guys might see each other when you come down from UW this fall."

"Bella—"

"No. I think it's great. You totally should."

"What do you mean? He wasn't asking me out or anything. He just said we should hang."

"Well it sounded like he was asking you out. So, why not?"

"Why not what? Go out with him?" This had to be a joke. I was tempted to look around for a hidden camera.

"Well yeah. Jake's a good guy."

"What? What are you talking about? You think I should go out with Jake?"

I knew I was basically repeating myself. I thought if I said it again, she'd correct me and tell me I'd misunderstood. No matter how many different ways I put it, the words didn't make any sense to me.

"It's just, you'll be so close, and he likes you…" She was actually defending this ridiculous suggestion of hers.

"Is that what you want?" I gawked at her, astonished, and waiting for her to say something like, just testing, or haha wanted to see how you'd react. Instead, her eyes fell to the sand and she frowned, guilt-ridden.

"I – "

"I don't believe this." I didn't want to hear anymore. I couldn't. She bit her lip, shamefaced. "Okay Bella. If that's really how you feel…"

I turned and walked toward Jake, not looking back to see if she'd watched me or attempted to argue. I was enraged and flabbergasted. Perhaps it was the last bit of adolescent rebellion coursing through me but giving Bella what she asked for was all I could think of in the heat of the moment.

"Jake."

"Hey Angela."

"Want to take a walk with me?"

"Sure!" He didn't skip a beat in his reply and walked away from his friend without another word.

I didn't want him. I only wanted Bella. But I was being stubborn and spiteful in my fury.

We walked along the water for a while. I'd hardly noticed that neither of us was saying anything. The longer we strolled, the more my anger dissipated and became replaced by hurt.

What was she thinking? Could she just throw me away like it was nothing? Pass me along to the first available guy who showed any interest? Was this just something for her to do while she was here but she'd free herself for true love when the time came?

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I was anything but fine and my voice betrayed me immensely.

"I don't mean to pry but did something just happen with you and Bella?" I only shook my head no. I couldn't talk about this with him. I couldn't talk about it with anyone, really. "Are you sure? It looked like… I don't know… like you had a fight or something."

I stopped walking and faced him. This was wrong. If he really did like me, I didn't want to lead him on. Without the anger to fuel me, I realized how awful I was being to both of them. Even if what Bella had said was hard for me to swallow, I knew better than to harm anyone else in turn.

"Jake, I'm sorry. If what I said earlier made it seem like—"

"Oh. I see."

"You're great and everything. Don't get me wrong."

"I get it. You like someone else, right?"

I wasn't sure if I should, but I decided to be honest. "Right."

He looked in the direction of the bon fire, meaningfully. Then he turned back to me. He was still smiling, almost compassionately.

"It's okay. I think you're great, too. But I guess you know that," he volunteered. I smiled back at him. He was incredibly sweet, even after I'd just shot him down. "We should head back."

"Mind giving me a minute? Not sure I'm ready just yet."

"Okay, but I wouldn't go too far if I was you. You never know what's out there in the dark." He snickered at his own joke and attempt to lighten the mood.

"I won't. And thanks."

I walked alone until I came to a large broken piece of drift wood near the water. I found a smooth surface and rested upon it. Then, I watched the tide sweep in and out for a while, lost in my thoughts but thinking of nothing.

"Ang?"Her voice was tiny and unsure. A part of me wanted to comfort her but I couldn't even face her. I didn't understand and didn't want to explode. So, I just sat. "Do you want me to take you home?"

I took a deep breath, then stood and began walking in the direction of the truck. Bella trailed behind me. The quiet was deafening but I simply had no words in that moment.

The ride was silent. I had time to think but, since I didn't know what was real and what wasn't, I decided not to. It was also difficult to do so when each thought painted the excruciating image of not having her in my life.

I'd done it before. I could survive not having her in the way I wanted, if she didn't want that for herself. But I knew I needed at least some piece of her. So, I tried coming to terms with the possibilities.

"Coming?" I offered. She had pulled into my drive way and was waiting for me to make the next move. I got out of the truck without waiting for an answer or checking to see if she'd followed.

Perhaps I was overreacting, but I couldn't seem to help myself. Every emotion related to her felt so acute. I had trouble compartmentalizing and had simply allowed numbness to take over. Bella's efforts lead me to believe that, tonight, we'd be breaking up before anyone even knew we'd become a couple, including me.

Once in my room, I laid on my bed facing outward. Bella followed suite and laid behind me, resting her arm around my waist. Feeling her there inevitably alleviated some of my disquiet.

"I'm sorry." I still didn't move or speak. "Angela? Will you talk to me?"

"Are we… breaking up?" I didn't know if those were the right words but they were the ones burdening my mind. So I set them free.

"I hope not. I don't want to." I rolled over to her then.

"If not, then why were you so set on pushing me into someone else's arms?"

"It wasn't like that. It's hard to explain."

"Try." She said nothing. Her eyes closed and she sealed her lips. "Bella, maybe this is just an in-the-meantime thing for you but it's real for me. And if it is, I get that. But please just say so now, before…"

She opened her eyes and placed her hands on either side of my face. "…Before what, Ang?"

I couldn't fight it anymore. This was too much. The tears had begun flowing and I was out on display. Her thumbs brushed the pools from beneath my eyes and her voice cracked when she spoke next.

"Tell me," she implored.

"You're all I can think about. I don't want anyone else. And it scares me to think that you can just give me away like it's nothing. Because, damn it, I love you."

"I love you, too."

"No, Bella. I mean I really love you. You are my everything. You always have been. And you're all I need," I rambled, uncontrollably. She clasped my face firmer, demanding my attention.

"Please hear me! When I imagined you alone in the fall, I couldn't bear the thought of it. I don't want you with anyone except me but I want you happy even more than that." She removed a hand from my face and captured my decorated wrist. Then she pressed the bracelet, in the center of her chest. "I love you, Angela. You're my soul mate."

She brought my wrist to her mouth and slid her lips over it. Then, with both hands, I reached up and dug my fingers into her hair. She pulled me to her with the palm still against my cheek. And like so many other first times in my life, I shared my first expression of true love with my best friend.

Best friends, lovers, and soul mates.

In support of THE FANDOM GIVES BACK (a virtual lemonade stand to raise awareness for childhood cancer driven by ninapolitan, lolashoes & tby789), I'moffering up to seven 1k word chapters from my short story, Deserts À la Beloveds in the Fan Fic Author Auction. Here's my page: http://thefandomgivesback(dot)proboards(dot)com/index(dot)cgi?board=fic&action=display&thread=27 (replace "(dot)" with "."). To learn more and support the effort, you can visit http://thefandomgivesback(dot)blogspot(dot)com/

I honestly hate that this always sounds like an acceptance speech, but I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I didn't say these things. Thanks to my little sis, dahliablack, for encouraging me to write this. Besides me, no one wanted it to come to light more than she did and it might not have without her. I lie at the feet of my twindred, Jellan Baxley, for pre-reading everything I write a million times over. I'm ever so grateful to my PISP, SummerBell, for keeping my positive and optimistic. And to twillyshine, what would a girl do without her best friend and fic buddy? And lastly, thanks to Jakeward, beta extraordinaire.