Title: It's That Time

Characters: Unnamed Marine Captain and new recruit. Reference to gender reversed Straw Hats (Luffyko, Zora, Sanjiko, Namizou, Ussope, Frankie, Chopper, Robin and Brooke...generic names are nice XD)

Prompt: Nightmare

Rating: PG

Warning: some cursing...and this pretty much revolves around a feminine condition that makes people uncomfortable and is uncomfortable

Summary: It's that time of the month for the Straw Hats and a new Marine recruit learns why they should stay far, far away.

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece...

A/N: This crack is based on the Gender bending fun pics bevinbaka posted last September in the LJ comm, One_Piece

"Sir! The Thousand Sunny appears to have ceased all movement!"

"All right. Men prepare for-wait! How long has this chase been?"

"Um, around three weeks-"

"TURN THE SHIP AROUND! GET US OUT OF HERE NOW, MEN!"

"Sir?"

"FULL SPEED! Oh, that's right. You're new. Okay, let's make this quick so we can get outta this with our balls intact. How much do you know about women?

"Well, I-"

"Female pirates are even worse. No, I'm not shitting you. In general and especially when it's that time of the month. Bad enough when one of 'em's got it but –you know how that sort of thing syncs when a bunch of women are around each other a lot? Well the Straw Hats have seven women and they've been together a long time. That's a boatload of PMS out there and-"

"Sir, the Sunny's reversing! They'll be on us in a minute!"

"Aww crap… Somebody, go tell the Doc he's got his work cut out for him… and men! Remember: every man for himself!"

"What?"

"It's the second rule. Here're the rest of them. Probably won't do you much good now but least you'll have something to read during recuperation right?"

"Wait, sir! What is this?"

How to Evade Lynching by Pirates

Congratulations on managing to corner the Straw Hat Pirates. Even if they did trick you, it was an accomplishment nonetheless. Unfortunately you have no time to rest on your laurels as you must immediately employ that same tenacity that got you in your situation in the first place should you wish to get out of there alive. Your situation is FUBAR.

PMS does not debilitate these pirates. In fact they will hit harder, shoot faster and hit more accurately than they normally would. Honestly it just puts them in a really, really bad mood. However, make no mistake; there is nothing personal about this. The Straw Hat crew does not see you as enemies, just stress relief dummies.

These rules, or rather guidelines as there is no solid set of regulations governing how to deal with pirates let alone with this particular band of outlaws, have been compiled for your benefit by those who have been where you are now, survived and wish to pass on what they've learned that others may have a better chance of getting out of that jam marginally intact or at the very least of not repeating old mistakes (and getting the chance to make new ones).

- Do. Not. Touch. The. Hat. EVER.

- Every man for himself.

-The Tabasco Stars' intensity is directly proportional to the sniper's temper.

-Addendum: this goes for Pepper Stars too.

-Addendum: Just keep your mouth shut.

-The shipwright's pants do not make her look fat, OKAY?

-Addendum: In fact, she looks SUPER!

-If the swordswoman is asleep, leave her alone.

-Addendum: If she wakes,run away.

-Addendum: If her swords are drawn, strike a cool pose so you look good when she cuts you down.

-Do NOT ask how a skeleton can have it. She'll show you her undergarments.

-Do not damage the ship. She will not like it.

-Addendum: Neither will the shipwright.

-Addendum: Actually none of them will.

-If a pirate invokes "no uterus, no opinion", shut up.

-Addendum: Don't point out that the skeleton technically doesn't have one either.

-Addendum: Even if you do have a uterus, it is still better to keep your mouth shut.

-Say nothing about the doctor's roundish figure.

-Addendum: Even if you think she looks cute.

-Addendum: It's the fur.

-Addendum: Especially on her weight gain when she switches to her larger forms.

-If the cook and the swordswoman get into a fight, do not interfere.

-Addendum: Run away before they think of settling it via their "the one who kills the most marines wins" game.

-Addendum: Do not scream "Girl Fight!"

-Addendum: Do not hang around to watch.

-Addendum: Do not start betting pools (at least not without the pirate navigator's permission)

-Addendum: Do not use the official camera to take pictures.

-Don't forget to be polite to the pirate men or they will helpfully point out your location to their crewmates.

-Addendum: remember, they don't actually need help to kick ass; we're told 'it's just more fun this way.'

-Do not ogle the cook's…

"Hey, you with the marines?"

"AHHH! Uh, I mean, yeah, I- wow, you're legs are long! And smooth! Gorgeous really-"

*TWITCH*

"Man, look what they did to this place. How are we going to find - what happened to this guy?"

"I do believe he broke one of the rules, Namizou."

"Rookie."*sigh* "Which one?"

"Judging by the footprints, I'd say this one:"

-Do not ogle the cook's legs. They end in steel heels.

-Addendum: Also worthy of note is her Nutcracker Kick.

A/N: Please do let me know what you think of this :)

FUBAR = Fucked Up Beyond All Reason

full list will be posted soon...