Just A Boy, a d.gray-man fanfic

Title: Just A Boy

Summary: A Bookman's Apprentice is just a boy. Death happened in front of his eye, let him forget, he needs to forget.

Disclaimer: This applies to the whole story – I do not own D. Gray – Man, and will never assume that I do. 'Arthur's Theme' belongs to Christopher Cross.

It was a terrible mission.

Even after all this time being a Bookman's Apprentice, it still wasn't easy seeing a Finder crumble to pieces in front of his own eye, knowing that it was all his fault, he attacked a second too late, and another innocent life could have been saved. An innocent life, like Colette's, young, distrustful, so joyful and full of hope after the entry of, the entry of…

Doug.

Lavi choked and pressed his face into the crook of his elbow. Finder. Finder Finder Finder. A Finder with a smile as friendly as Doug's and eyes as wide as Colette's and enthusiasm rivaling Chomesuke's. He was just a Finder. He was just a Finder who foolishly trusted an Exorcist. The kid, not even an Exorcist, he's…replaceable, he hissed in his mind. Expendable. Komui once raged against those words when Central calmly reported that they need as many Finders as possible because it didn't matter what skill they had, they would work for the Order and would be replaced if need be, and god, wasn't Komui cold to Yuu too, that time when Yuu (in his weird, maybe good intentioned but so bastardy way) told a man to suck it up and toughen himself if he wanted to survive in the Black Order and…

This was getting to be too much, way too much. Lavi tilted his head back and drank deeply, the bitter liquid burning his throat, a wave of dizziness rushing through him when he brought his head down sharply. Doug was a bitter memory to be washed away. The Finder too, only this time he didn't even care to learn the name, perhaps he knew that the Finder would be dead eventually, so why even bother, even though it transgressed against every training that Bookman instilled in him.

He laughed. It ripped out of his throat without him even knowing it, sharp on the ear, harsh on his already burning throat. His eye burned and he laughed again, closing it from the silent crooked towers of books, knocking his head against the wall behind and not caring even a whit if people could hear him, if Allen could, if…

Ah.

Eye focused blearily on the door, he smiled drunkenly as it swung open, revealing his favourite and most hated person in this world. He giggled, a hiccup breaking the sound.

"Lavi."

The voice was sad, soft and concerned. He giggled again, curling in on himself, the bottle dropping to the ground with a dull thump. There was a pause and then Allen was walking towards him, kneeling down and grasping the bottle, pulling it out of his reach. Lavi smiled and looped his arms around Allen lazily, searching for his spot in Allen's neck. It was warm there, warm and safe.

He sighed when he found it, digging his nose into it. "Al-len. Al-len. Wha…what are you doin', here?"

He felt the boy shake his head and hair brushed against his cheek and covered eye. Then the boy carefully shifted both of them, arms gently pressing against Lavi's shoulders and coaxing him into moving so that Lavi could lie fully against him. Ah, that was nice indeed, Lavi smiled, pressing himself against the warm curve of Allen's body. He brought a hand down to toy with Allen's collar.

"Lavi," the kid sighed against his cheek. Lavi hated that sigh. It was the sigh which said that Allen was so sad and didn't know what to do. When Allen sighed like that Lavi always had to resist the urge to kiss that sigh away but –

Well, why resist?

Pulling himself up with his leverage on Allen's shoulder, Lavi pressed his lips against Allen's. Allen closed his eyes and let him, let Lavi flutter a few small kisses on him, more enthusiastic than skillful, more often than not landing on the sides of his mouth. Then he palmed Lavi's cheek, pulling away to look into his bright, glazed eye.

"Lavi," the kid said, sterner this time, but voice still laced with concern. Lavi grinned, a little numb, not sure whether his lips were working the way he wanted them to but he was pretty sure it was a grin pulling at his lips. But the beansprout only looked more concern with his lips releasing that sigh again, the sigh Lavi hated. Lavi wanted to kiss it away.

"Lavi, look at me," Allen said, other hand moving to press into his hair now and smooth it down, tucking it behind his ear. His headband was long gone, he wondered where it flew to. Allen was so serious and sad, he didn't want to look. "Lavi," he bit his lip and Lavi let his eye flicker over to it. The kid was so hesitant, he wanted him to say whatever he wanted to, stop saying his name, the 49th name, what a hateful name.

"It's not your fault, Lavi."

Lavi stopped. Stopped, well…breathing, for a while, it seemed. Then, frantic, he pushed himself out of Allen's arms, shaking his head, laughing that grating laugh again. He felt his eye burn and he laughed. It was so funny, the world was so funny.

"It's not!" He said, very brightly. He bumped into a stack of books and sat down abruptly, hearing the books produce a domino effect behind him, slamming dusty tome against dusty tome. "It's not! It never is, because they are going to die for us! Oh…that's right! Your Finders never died under you before, that's right!"

"Lavi," Allen said again, his face pained.

"Of course," he resumed, seeming not to have heard his friend and lover's plea. "Of course," he hummed, smiling at the mess of books around him. "I don't care. I don't. It's a, a number, see? 'On the 20th of November, 1893, five Finders died during two separate missions, one working in a mission undertaken by the Apprentice of Bookman, and four during a scouting mission.' So simple, it's so simple. I've written it down here, Allen, wanna see?"

Lavi grabbed his notebook and thrust it into Allen's face. Allen shook his head, gently pushing the book down. It made Lavi frown, his face falling.

"Thought you would've wanted to…" He muttered, looking confused. "You always wanted me to tell you what Bookmen do, you said…"

Allen smiled, weakly. "Not like this, Lavi," he said. His hand reached for Lavi's, loosening its hold on the book and grasping it gently in his own. "Not like this. Don't do this, Lavi."

Lavi stilled, staring at the hand holding his, eye unfocused, dazed. He blinked slowly, feeling Allen move a little closer, settling in front of him, waiting for him.

He breathed, feeling the cool air burn his throat, everything was burning, that day.

He choked again.

Immediately, Allen was there, holding him, making shushing noises while Lavi choked and giggled and choked and giggled. He wanted water. He wanted to sleep. He wanted to let the day rewind again so that in that one second where he hesitated he would have snapped that time frame out of existence and the akuma's bullets would meet his hammer instead of a human head. He wanted Allen. He wanted to forget.

He wanted to forget.

Lavi brought his head up, crushing his lips to Allen's, hearing the boy gasp in surprise. He felt his hands shaking, he brought it up to clench at Allen's coat so that they would still. Allen was softening the kiss, sliding his tongue slowly against his. Lavi's shoulders slumped and his hands shook again, the grip not helping any.

"Help me," he said after pulling away. His eye shone in the dim light thrown out by the candle. Allen looked so young and uncertain, gloved hand reaching up to stroke Lavi's cheek like he was a child. "Help me," he said again, voice cracking. "Let me forget. Let this brain of mine forget everything. Make me forget everything."

He reached up when Allen hesitated, pulling him down by pressing against the back of his neck, lips brushing Allen's as he spoke. "You. Your hands. Your words. Your cock." He felt Allen jerk then shudder against him, his eyes clouding over, still half shrouded in concern. Lavi wanted to wipe away that concern. Make Allen break him. "I want nothing but you. Make me forget. I don't care anymore. I need, I need to–"

Allen pressed forward, stealing his words away into another kiss, this one still gentle. When Allen pulled back Lavi grinned, fierce and manic. It made Allen pause, his concern surge again. Lavi needed this, he could tell, but it was not enough.

"Do you…" Allen paused, searching for words. "Do you promise we'll talk, after this?"

A little of the deranged light left Lavi's eye and he hesitated, looking lost, almost sober. Allen rubbed his shoulder slowly, in a comforting rhythm. Lavi bit his lip. In the space of a beat, one-two, in the dim light of the dusty too-many-books room, in a space too long for his frayed nerves, he stretched his lips into a small smile. A smile he reserved only for –

This stupid boy who came in and messed up his life.

This stupid boy who read through his smile in an instant and built up walls against him until Lavi proved his worth.

This stupid boy who made Lavi retch back everything he had eaten because he saw the world the boy saw.

This stupid, stupid boy who died and left a card for Lavi to pick up and made Lavi waste his tears and his anger and made him nearly die at the hands of a Noah.

This stupid, stupid, stupid boy who was stubborn to a fault and made him see that life was messed up and flawed and cracked and so worth living for.

He wanted to hate him so much. He wanted to hate him for showing that hate and death must have its foil in love and life. He wanted to hate the boy who made him cry over the death of a Finder.

Smiling again, a bit more easily now, he said, "yes." And he smiled again when Allen took in the promise in his eye, visibly relaxed and leaned forward to press his lips against Lavi's, hard now, no-nonsense.

Lavi shuddered, surrendering himself to the force of forgetting.

Notes:

Deep down inside

He's just, he's just a boy

Living his life one day at a time

And showing himself a really good time

Laughing about the way

They want him to be

I hope you enjoyed this version of Lavi breaking down (: Title and interpretation comes from above quoted lyrics.

To tell the truth, this was prompted by the Kink Meme. I feel a little bad, cause I think Evanescent Silence claimed it/is doing it, so, well…this is just a version? :D

I'm not sure how this chapter happened. Well, the kink is in a second part which I'm still hesitant over putting up and which to me has glaring flaws, but it does fulfill the wall sex, bondage, denied pleasure and, uh…Lavi hasn't cried yet. Well. *squints at the sex*

For readers who are waiting for Carnival Days…I'm, I'm so sorry! I seriously shouldn't even have written this, it's exam period, for heaven's sake, but after sitting down with my friend and slaving over European Literature for seven whole hours I could not stand studying anymore. This was produced as a stress reliever. Anyway, I'm still thinking of Carnival Days, more will be produced after the exams, yessiree.

Anyway, I do hope you enjoyed this, if you guys like it I might put up the sex…it depends on how well the sex can be written, really.

Reviews and comments are much loved (: