"You are so smitten, Carlin."

"What do you mean?"

"That brunette has all of your attention, even with me here. That's saying something."

"And that 'something' is your ego is too big."

"Aw, you love it."

"I cherish it as I do all my memories of you."

"Hey, no need to spell it out so quickly… I'm not here to woo you."

"Uh huh."

"Sex is not wooing, my dear Spencer."

"Oh I know that, Bailey."

"But it seems as if I am not to get that either, not with the way that girl is the North Star for you. You hoping to have her sail you home tonight?"

Spencer inhales and feels the air push inside her lungs. And then she exhales, deep and wide as the sea, pale piece of cloth flying free in the breeze.

"Yes."

And she can hear Bailey's grin before she sees it.

"Then why the hell are you talking to me, Spencer? Get going and stop wasting time!"

And she turns her gaze to Ashley, the curve of that neck that Spencer has known as it tilts to the side and shows it smoothness to some piece of canvas filled with too much black.

Would I have kept her at bay forever? Would I have kept her forever in the past?

Spencer moves her left foot first, keeping her eyes trained on the tumbling down of Ashley's hair – the way every light in this place seems to hang on each strand and makes each curl glow with some kind of unearthly shine.

Could I have denied this for much longer? Could I have really let her go?

And Spencer is walking, measured steps on this checkered floor beneath her feet and then… Ashley is staring right at her, brown on blue, like it's always been.

///

The conversation doesn't really matter. Spencer knows this girl must be kind of crazy and kind of bad-news… but instead of fearing it, Spencer embraces it.

The tattoo and the attitude – Spencer likes it.

And not in a way that shouts of envy.

Not in a way that speaks of anything other than… other than the fact…

Well, I like her. She's cool and I'd like to know her better.

I'd like to know Ashley Davies.

And so, when the girl shouts out to Glen and takes her hand, Spencer can't help but feel a sense of wondrous trepidation – as if everything in her little Ohio world is about to change.

Not because of L.A., though… but because of some brown-haired girl with a foul temper, who still knows how to apologize when it counts…

Ashley Davies… I think we could be friends, you and I…

///

"Hey."

"Hey you."

"I was thinking that there is this diner and it stays open all night long. A bunch of boisterous Russians own it and they are like characters from a Tarantino film… but not violent, just different… and we could go there, you know, right now. If you want. They make a great botvinya."

Ashley's smile is like being awake when the sun decides to rise, spreading out lazily and illuminating the world and Spencer has every answer in the way her body responds to the vision before her – there is no letting go and there never could be… and she could have pretended until the day she died to be over Ashley Davies, but it would have been the lie of a lifetime – and it would have been the regret to drive Spencer to an early grave anyway.

"I'd love to."

///

They eat cold soup and they drink hot tea and they murmur for a while about the film, about music, about books and politics and everything other than what they want to talk about.

But Ashley's foot stretches out and presses against Spencer's leg.

So, she keeps it there and Spencer doesn't shift away.

It is just another connection in a long line of connections between them and Ashley savors it as much as all the others.

In fact, Ashley relishes it and revels in it, like being cold for so long and then you get under the waves of hot water – you are melted and brought back to life.

You are my life. And I want you to know it, Spence… I want to say it and not hold back anymore.

Spencer dips her head down and then slides her hand against the table, the tip of each finger coming into contact first… and then it is the whole hand, the whole beautiful hand holding her own – as if it had never left.

Fingers weave and hold and merge again.

And Ashley sighs so well, so rightly… something missing finally put back in place.

And the words just fall from her lips, like they've always wanted to.

"I love you. More than anyone or anything… god, do I love you…"

///

When I saw you walking down those stairs, with the blue dress that matched your eyes, I thought of how lovely you were… and how I could never deserve you, not really.

Where you were light and forgiveness, I was dark and cruel.

Every time you held out your love for another cut…I held the knife.

And your pretty face just made me ache even more, because I felt the words well up in my throat and I knew them to be insanely true.

Everyone could see it. Even Aiden, poor gullible Aiden… the boy I string along in order to not fall further in love with you…

And I wanted to be the one who always caught your eye.

From the moment I walked along that beach and you told me your secrets, I wanted to be the one you searched for in a sea of faces.

I wanted to be your friend. I wanted to be your world.

But looking at you, that sweet smile and those shy eyes – even after kissing, even after nights spent grazing each other's skin – and I know that to be your world means giving in and letting go.

I've done that for no one. Not a single soul. No, not even Aiden.

And you are the one I could maybe… maybe break the mold for… if I can get over this overwhelming terror… if I just focus on you and the love I feel pouring out from your heart to mine… if I can just make it happen, just say the words that are so close and so real… I could have it all with you, Spencer.

Tonight, at our prom, I think I can finally give all to you.

///

"You scare me."

"I don't mean to."

"It's not you, though, you know… it's me. It's like, sometimes, I see you and it is who you are now… and I am as drawn to you as ever. Maybe even more so. And then, sometimes, I see you and I see… I see Ashley Davies, that girl who abandoned me."

"…Sometimes I see her, too. I did for a long time after you and I… ended."

"But we've talked this out. It's done. I know it is. It is just me being—"

"Cautious."

"…Yea. Yea, I guess that."

"It's okay. I mean, I'd give anything to turn back time and not do what I did. I'd give anything to take back the hurt I caused… for the both of us."

Ashley's hand is solid and familiar, but still so new and so thrilling and Spencer can't stop herself from pulling it up to her lips and grazing the knuckles.

"Stop."

It is a whisper against the back of that hand and Ashley grips Spencer's hand tighter now.

"Stop apologizing. I know you'd change things, if you could. And the thing is… we have changed things. Did you think we could do this seven years ago? I didn't."

"I didn't either. I wanted to, but I was such a mess back then."

"I was, too… in my own way. I cultivated the talent of disappearing from my own life. I became someone I didn't know anymore and I thought that distant lands would hide me from the truth."

Ashley looks so gorgeous and open, holding firmly to Spencer's hand and ready to go there… if Spencer is ready…

And Spencer is ready. She is so ready.

"And my truth is… that all through the pain and all through the avoidance… I never, not once… stopped loving you, Ashley. I've been yours for so long, even when I couldn't see your face… I've been yours even when I hated you. I am yours right now, in this diner at whatever time it is… Ashley, I—"

But Spencer is moving, taking a short flight and hips pressing into the table's edge, lips finding a destination within Ashley's kiss – two hands still held fast between them.

It is no kiss of attack, built of anger.

It is no kiss made of weakness and of wanting to lie.

It is no kiss made of youth, hidden from mothers and stolen in bathrooms and taken on the run like criminals.

This is Ashley and Spencer, kissing in some diner at exactly one-fifty in the morning.

And Spencer knows that they will have many more hours to say all they need to say, have to say… but for now, this is more than enough.

Right now, this is everything that ever mattered at all.

///

They are running, feet pounding into the coal-hot sand.

And Spencer tastes sunlight and salt on her lips.

And Ashley can't breathe for laughing so hard, harder than she ever has.

The water is cold and they shove each other around within it, never letting the other leave completely… always dragging them back for more of this playfulness, this something so much more than just friendship – but still something so innocent and honest.

Ashley doesn't want it to end, not ever. And not out of a need for a lost childhood.

Not out of a need for someone to talk to.

She likes Spencer Carlin, likes the slant of her smile and the goofy way she can be and the softness to her voice.

She likes Spencer Carlin as is.

Spencer doesn't want it to end, not ever. And not out of a need for safety in this new world.

Not out of a need to fit in somewhere, with someone.

She likes Ashley Davies, likes the brash lift of her eyebrows and the silliness she can reveal and the joy read deep in her eyes.

She likes Ashley Davies as is.

So, of course, they had to ruin it.

Because perfect things just can't last… right?

But after boys and some yelling… after talking under some pier… after a mostly silent ride back home…

They were whole again, as if just being next to one another fixed everything that just went wrong.

They were masters at dismantling each other.

And they were masters at rebuilding each other.

Even then. Even on that day where all things seemed first possible and still too raw to be trusted.

They were Ashley and Spencer, falling in love for the first time.

///

They make vows to not rush and to not fall prey to basic whims.

They decide to date each other. Ashley calls it a 're-do' and Spencer grimaces – but laughs, too.

They talk as if they've never said a word to each other. Ever.

On the phone and face-to-face – once or twice as they fall asleep, one of them not leaving when they should and just spending the night… wrapped up in arms that feel like Christmas morning…

They've not had sex yet.

It was a mutual agreement.

And both of them attempt to break that agreement, on occasion.

Restraint is hard when you know the body well, know what places – when touched just so – will cause the best reaction.

And Spencer has gone home quite a few times extremely frustrated.

But they are not rushing things.

They promise to not become every lesbian joke out there.

They don't even speak of living together – though, secretly, they both want that and hope the other one doesn't catch the dopey grin that pops up at the mere thought if cohabitation.

Ashley imagines white-washed steps and the ocean and linen sheets barely covering up Spencer's naked body – that is her forever and her home and her piece of real-estate – but she keeps it quiet. For now.

And Kyla loves to gloat about it all, like she was somehow the mastermind for their reconciliation. And Aiden stays out of it, like the smart man he has grown into.

They all have Sunday dinner with each other and the animosity is gone so totally – like it never happened, like it never was.

But of course, it was. It did happen.

Every time Ashley looks over and sees Spencer grinning at something, she remembers how close she came to losing it all.

And every time Spencer catches Ashley's fingers stroking her arm as they sit close, she recalls how she almost threw this all away.

And still… it is all just fine.

As if just being next to each other fixes all that once went wrong.

They are Ashley and Spencer, falling in love for the first time.

Again.

///

END