Jump Then Fall

For Nicky. Happy Birthday. I love you.

Do you know what the real definition of vertigo is?

It is not the fear of falling.

It is the fear of wanting to fall.

(Vertigo, Lauren Baratz-Logsted)

I am afraid. So many times I have jumped and fallen. So many times you have pulled me down with you, sucked me into your spiral, lost me in your maze. So many times.

But I am not afraid of the falling part. Falling is easy. All of you have to do is jump, step off the edge and you're gone. It's easy. Once you jump gravity does all the work. It pulls you down to it. Down to you.

What I am afraid of is wanting to fall. I am afraid that I like the control that you have over me. I am afraid that I want you to cast your spell on me. The same spell that you have cast hundreds of times before. I am afraid that I want to jump and fall into you.

Do you know why I'm afraid? Because I have jumped before.

There are laws in place in this universe. Sure, you say. I can break the law by going out and not wearing a seatbelt in my car. Or I can steal some old lady's purse or I can drive drunk. A policeman will catch me for certain. That would count as breaking the law.

But there are laws much stronger than that. Laws that you don't break. Laws that break you.

Like gravity.

I jumped. I thought I would defy gravity. I thought that for sure you would be waiting to catch me. That we would go upwards together, going against what nature said should happen, against what everyone said should happen.

But I didn't. I fell. You didn't catch me. You didn't even know that I was jumping. I didn't break gravity. It broke me.

You broke me.

They call it falling in love. But no one ever says where you're falling to, or what's going to happen when you hit the bottom. Now I know.

I gave you a little piece of my heart.

You dropped it, crushed it, broke it, ruined it.

And then handed it back to me.

In my mind you are so much more than a picture on my wall; so much more than a teenage boy who wears too tight jeans; so much more than a superstar who has the hearts of thousands of girls lined up on a shelf in his room.

But to you all I am is the best friend. The girl that's always been there. The one who holds you when you cry after yet another girl has dumped you. The one whose heart you have broken time and time again without knowing it. The one who I want you to jump and fall into. The one who I want.

Because that's it: I want you. Plain and simple, I want you.

But you're my friend. And is it right to ruin what we have in hope of what could be?

Every time you go out with yet another girl who doesn't deserve you, it breaks me. And I'm scared to let myself fall into you because I don't think you want to fall with me.

Jump with me. Fall with me. Please.

As I am thinking all this, there is a knock on my front door. I don't want to open it. I know that it'll be you. And I know why you're here.

This morning I read on a gossip site that the wonderful Paige that you were always talking about (well at least for the past 2 weeks) has broken up with you. That's why you're here. I'm your perpetual rebound girl. Lucky me.

But I get up anyway. I open the door and try not to look at you. Because you make me want to jump again and I'm afraid. My eyes have a mind of their own though and I look at your face, streaked with tears and I sigh. I've fallen. Again.

So I pull you into the house and I wrap my arms around you and you sob and I sigh and tell you that she's not worth the tears, just like I always do. She's not worth it, she's not worth it, she's not worth it.

And when you finally stop crying you pull back and look at me. "Thank you Mitchie," you say and I try to smile, but I can't because the only thought in my mind is, Thank you doesn't quite cut it. I am letting you break me so that you can be unbroken.

But then I think, To hell with it. And as you bring your lips forward to kiss my cheek, just like you always do, I move my head out of the way.

"Don't do that Shane!"

You are confused and there is a little bit of something that can only be described as hurt on your face. Hurt? "Why?"

I am angry. You don't get it. You never do. "Because you're teasing me and I can't take it anymore."

"Teasing you?"

Now I'm wondering if you're actually trying to play dumb.

"Yes! Can't you see?"

The look on your face shows me that clearly you can't.

"That I can't stand how you flirt with me and then go out and date all those other girls. How you don't know. How you're oblivious. How you don't even care that I'm the one that's always here for you. You don't care. You don't," I'm screaming now. Tears are running down my face.

You are started to look somewhat alarmed.

Understandably.

"How you can't even see," I run out of words and break down, sobbing. It's too much. I just want the pain to stop. I can't take it anymore.

"See what Mitchie?" your voice tells me that you know, but you're going to make me say it anyway.

God, how I hate you.

"That I frickin love you Shane!"

And almost before I've stopped speaking, you have crushed me to your chest, your lips have covered my own and you are kissing me so hard it almost hurts. I'm kissing you back almost as hard. I'm releasing my anger into you.

So this is what it feels like.

When you pull back I realise that all the hurt has melted away. Has disappeared into the kiss. Into you. Your voice is harsh, like you're trying not to cry when you speak. "Why didn't you just tell me Mitchie? I would have told you that I felt the same way. I always have."

"Because – " I stop then, realising what you just said. "You, you, what?" I sputter. "You mean, what?"

You laugh at the way I'm stumbling over my words and it sounds like music, filling my ears, making me love you even more if it's possible. And I laugh too. I can't decide if I hate the fact that you make me love you or I love it. You lean forward and kiss me once more, softer this time, sweeter, gentler. Showing me that you really do love me.

And I'm falling. Again.

Maybe this time you'll fall with me.

Was that okay? I found it quite weird and confusing to write at first, but I hope it ended up alright.

And just so you know... I didn't write this and then dedicate it to you, Nicky. I wrote it for you. From start to finish. Just 'cause you're special like that. :P

I love all of you who have taken the time to read this. Love love love you. :D