BELLA- Breathe Me

"Wouldn't Edward, indifferent as he might be, want me to be as happy as possible under the circumstances? Wouldn't enough friendly emotion linger for him to want that much for me? I thought he would. He wouldn't begrudge me this: giving just a small bit of love he didn't want to my friend Jacob. After all, it wasn't the same love at all.

Jake pressed his warm cheek against the top of my hair.

If I turned my head to the side, if I pressed my lips against his bare shoulder…I knew without any doubt what would follow. It would be very easy. There would be no need for explanations tonight.

But could I do it? Could I betray my absent heart to save my pathetic life?

And then, as clearly as if I were in immediate danger, Edward's velvet voice whispered in my ear.

"Be happy," he told me.

I froze.

Jacob felt me stiffen and released me automatically, reaching for the door.

Wait, I wanted to say. Just a minute. But I was still locked in place, listening to the echo of Edward's voice in my head."

"Wait," I said, finding my own voice. My throat still burned from the salt, and it came out as a whisper. "Jacob, wait."

He turned to look at me expectantly, and I was once again struck by how he stuck with me even when I rejected him again and again.

"What's wrong?" he said.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to him that I would never be able to love him, at least not as much as he deserved. He deserved so much more than what I could give him. I didn't think it was possible for me to ever be whole again and I would never be able to give him my heart completely.

But as I look up into his warm dark eyes, I knew I could try.

I took his hand and wove my fingers through his. He looked surprised by the show of affection. Then the corners of his mouth pulled up into a smile.

I had already been sitting so close to him on the drive home that it wasn't that far for me to close the remaining space between us. I hesitated when my face was just inches from his.

"Bella," he whispered, his warm breath gently brushing my face.

"Shut up, Jacob," I replied. I pressed my lips to his.

He responded immediately by crushing my body to his. I wrapped my arms around his neck, trying to pull myself closer, if that was possible.

I wasn't fair. I was selfish. I would have to tell him everything. But I needed Jacob. I depended on him now, to hold me together and to keep me going. He was my own personal sun, and he had helped me though the darkest times. But what if he needed me to? What if he needed someone to care for, and someone to care for him? I could do that much, couldn't I?

He was holding me so close, his lips moving firmly against mine. I could feel how much he wanted this—needed it. And then, as he shifted to pull into his lap, I could feel his hands trembling.

"Jake," I said breathlessly, pulling away a little. I reached for his hand and held it between both of my own. I looked up at him, worried.

"Don't worry," he said, smiling. "You're not making me angry."

I reached up for him again, to pull that smile towards me, against my own.

But he sighed and I could feel him resisting my tug, although it must not have taken much effort on his part.

"What?" I asked, worried I had done something wrong.

He shook his head, staring out the rain-streaked windshield. "I must be the dumbest…"

He glanced down at me. "Bella, are you sure you really want to do this? I mean really, really want to?"

I nodded because I didn't think that I could come up with the right words to explain, not just yet. Everything was balanced so precariously on the edge. But I had already leapt off a cliff today; why not another one?

"Because," he continued, "if you regretted it later, I just don't know if…if I could forgive myself."

"Like I said before, Jacob," I replied, closing the space between us again, "shut up."

He laughed in his throat as his lips met mine. I could feel his hunger behind the kiss, and in the way his hands held me against him.

The rain picked up and beat furiously down on the roof of the truck. After a few minutes, Jacob pulled away and shot a frustrated glance out the window.

"You should probably get inside before this gets worse," he said. "You've spent enough time in the water today."

I frowned, but not about his joke. "Aren't you coming with me?" I said, confused.

Jacob raised an eyebrow. "Do you want me to?"

I huffed, frustrated. "Jacob, really, how many times do I have to explain myself?"

He laughed. "If that was your way of explaining yourself, then as many times as possible please." He leaned down and kissed me quickly before reaching around me to snatch the sweater I had left on the seat earlier that morning. Then he opened the truck door.

"C'mon," he said, jumping out into the rain. I grinned and followed him. He held the sweater over my head as sprinted for the door. I fumbled with my keys and groaned as they slipped from my wet fingers. Jacob caught them before they could hit the ground and had the door open in a second. We dashed inside and slammed the door against the downpour. Jacob stood back and shook his head, showering the room with water droplets.

I winced and held up my hands to protect my face. "Ugh, wet dog," I teased.

He smiled ruefully.

"Let's get you some dry clothes," I said, heading for the stairs. "Maybe you can borrow something of Charlie's."

I didn't hear him follow me on the stairs, but when I got to the top he was right behind me.

"How do you do that?" I said, my curiosity spilling out before I could stop myself.

Jacob shrugged. "It's a werewolf thing."

I rolled my eyes and ducked into Charlie's room. I had just brought up a basket of clean laundry yesterday, and I was pretty sure there had been a pair of sweatpants in there.

There was slim chance they'd be long enough for Jake, but they were better than nothing.

I hunted out the pants from the bottom of the basket and returned to the hallway. Jacob stood in front of my door, waiting.

"Here," I said, tossing him the sweats. "The bathroom's right there, go ahead and change."

"Bella." His voice sounded different than when he'd spoke just a minute before; it was thicker now.

I felt the butterflies in my stomach again just from the way he looked at me. It was like his dark eyes could see through every one of the masks I tried to throw up in front of him. He didn't believe any of my lies.

He reached for me and I stepped towards him. He wrapped his arms around me, folding me into his warm embrace.

I had made my decision back in the truck. So why did I feel so nervous all of a sudden? I looked up into Jacob's eyes and my fears vanished. This was Jacob, my Jacob. We knew each other's secrets, and most of the time we knew what the other was thinking. And I knew exactly what he was thinking now.

He kissed me again, and I was pleasantly surprised to realize that instead of feeling empty and numb like I had expected, I felt warm and happy. There, in Jacob's arms, I felt loved. I knew Jacob could make me feel almost whole again.

We stumbled into my room and fell onto the bed. I was exhausted but when Jacob kissed me again I couldn't help but to kiss him back. I was feeling a little giddy about my revelation.

But as I lay in Jacob's arms, something tugged in the back of my mind. I tried to ignore the worried sensation it gave me, until I realized what I was forgetting.

"What about Charlie?" I said, pulling away from Jacob and sitting up.

"He's at the hospital," he replied, sitting up next to me.

The hospital. Guilt churned in my stomach as I remembered what had happened this morning. Poor Harry. I felt so bad for all the Clearwater's. I was glad Charlie was there, so he could comfort them somehow, and so they could comfort him.

I felt another wave of shame as I remember my reckless cliff dive. If I had been really hurt, like I almost was before Jacob rescued me…. I tried not to think about what might have happened.

I fell back against the pillows, completely exhausted even though I had slept some back at Jacob's. Sleep was pulling at me, like the currents that had dragged me beneath the waves, so disoriented I couldn't tell which way was up.

Jacob's warm fingers brushed a stray hair from my face. I opened my eyes to find him looking down at me.

"Bella," he said softly. "I want to tell you something."

I knew what he would say before the words came out of his mouth.

"I love you, Bella."

As I looked up at Jacob at saw how much he really meant it, I felt something stirring in my chest. For a second I thought it would be the familiar throbbing that always threatened to tear me apart. But it wasn't that; it was something else. It was like a balloon inflating in my stomach, a feeling that I hadn't felt in so long it took me a minute to recognize it for what it was. Happiness. The corners of my lips turned up into a small smile.

"I love you, Jacob."

It wasn't a lie. I did love Jacob. Even if I wasn't sure what that love meant, I did love Jacob.

He kissed me so suddenly it took my breath away. And then I realized that Jacob was feeling the same happiness that I was. The balloon in my stomach swelled.

I settled into Jacob's arms, my eyes already closed with fatigue. I felt content, more than I had in a long time, and safe. It seemed that with Jacob holding me together, I might not shatter into a million pieces.

In the back of my mind, stirring like a shadow in a brightly lit room, was a fragment of guilt that nothing to do with cliff diving and the Clearwater's but everything to do with the warm body lying next to me and the three words I had just spoken.