Major General Roy Mustang walked down the hallway to his office in Central with his head held high. His shirt was too long, his pants were too loose, and his boots were too big, making a strange hollow clunking noise with each footstep, but nonetheless, he walked proudly. As proudly as anyone who had recently switched genders and could barely stay on their feet for more than fifteen minutes at a time could, anyway.
The first thing to do, he knew, was to report on the explosion to his closest immediate superior, one General Kevin Yeegar. And, while normally in this situation he would strategically fail to check in until he was reminded, it was pretty clear that under the circumstances the thing to do was bite the bullet and go straight to his superior to try to talk his way through a sex-change.
This, he realized, might be tricky.
Nonetheless, Roy marched to General Yeegar's office with intent, knocking raptly on the door. "Major General Roy Mustang here to see you, General," he announced firmly.
"Thank you, Julia," a rough voice called from behind the door. "Send him in for me."
Mustang frowned, glancing behind him. The girl at the desk, presumably Julia, shrugged, waving him inside.
Roy stepped inside and saluted, and the General nodded, not looking up from a stack of paperwork on his desk.
"Welcome back, Major General. It's unusual for you to report to me on your own - this Lab 4 explosion must have been quite something. What did you find?"
Roy cleared his throat. "Not much, sir. The culprit was not in the area. We have, however, definitively confirmed the existence of an alchemist performing illegal human transmutations. There is also the remains of a transmutation circle used in human transmutations, though most of it was destroyed in the explosion."
General Yeegar nodded. "That's progress, at least. But what do you mean by 'definitive proof?'"
"Um," Roy coughed. The general finally looked up, an eyebrow raised at Mustang's noncommittal response.
Yeegar blinked, rubbed his eyes, and twitched his mouth in a manner that made his white mustache wiggle comically.
"Oh."
"Not quite the reaction I had myself upon waking up in a hospital bed like this, but yes, sir. 'Oh.'"
"And is this state... Does... Do you..." the general frowned, failing to articulate his question.
Mustang let out an almost imperceptible sigh. "My subordinates should have already filed a report while I was... recuperating yesterday," he stated. "But as it stands, I am treating this state as permanent. We do not have enough of the transmutation circle to try to reconstruct or reverse it. Moreover, even if we could undo it, it would require another illegal human transmutation, which is obviously out of the question."
General Yeegar nodded. "I see. In a circumstance such as this, I imagine you'll need to send a copy of the report to the other four generals stationed here in Central, and of course the Fuhrer."
"Yes, sir. Of course."
The general rifled through his desk for a moment, pulling out a few blank forms and handing them to Mustang.
"You'll be needing these, I suppose. Keep me updated on this manhunt - I imagine you'll get quite a bit more vicious after this occurrence. I suppose it will only be a matter of time before you're filling the jail cell. Good luck, Major General."
Mustang saluted again, tucking the papers under his arm. "Thank you, sir. You'll be the first to know when I have more information."
Roy walked out, glancing at the forms the general had given him. Order forms for a change in uniform sizes. At least that was one less thing to worry about.
--
Mustang sat down at his desk with a sigh, running a hand through his hair. General Yeegar had reminded him of something unpleasant - a rather important detail that they had forgotten. They had all been so preoccupied with getting away with the Lab 4 lie, no one had stopped to think that they would actually be expected to catch this person.
It would almost be easier if it was an imaginary culprit. Unfortunately, someone actually was performing illegal human transmutations - Edward, whom they obviously could not arrest. But if they didn't catch anyone for this, his reputation would crash, and he'd be that much further away from his goals.
He couldn't afford not to arrest someone for this. He couldn't arrest the person who was responsible. He couldn't frame someone, because even if they found a scapegoat Ed would continue performing transmutations on people who needed them and someone would catch on that the real culprit was still out there - and Roy was in no position to ask him to stop saving lives.
It was a no-win situation that he needed to find a way out of. It was also more trouble than he could currently concentrate on; there were just too many other things he needed to do.
For now, all he could do was push the problem to the back of his mind and hope Ed didn't make himself too conspicuous.
--
That night, Roy got home, ate dinner and took a shower as usual. He shampooed his hair and washed his body, running soap over unfamiliar dips and curves. And, as the water showered over him and steam fogged up the nearby mirror, he fell to his knees and cried.
--
The newspaper had the story out by the next day. A bold headline announced "MAJOR GENERAL UNDERGOES SEX CHANGE: CRAZED ALCHEMIST TO BLAME" to the world, with two pictures of Mustang; his official driver's licence photo and a candid shot of him walking down a hallway in his new body, lined up side-by side underneath.
Havoc asked if he could frame the newspaper and hang it on the office wall. Roy's reaction to this was to set it on fire. Everyone but Havoc, who had still been holding the paper at the time, thought this was hilarious.
Sometime in between setting every newspaper in the office on fire and getting bored enough to start blowing up Havoc's cigarettes whenever he tried to smoke (an old favorite game for when Hawkeye had her back turned), the phone rang.
"I think I might have forgotten to tell you something."
Roy paused. "Did this something involve spontaneous human combustion? Because I really don't want to explode, Ed."
"You're not going to spontaneously combust (probably). No, did I remember to tell you that I need to see you twice a week for check-ups, or was that in my head?"
"In your head. Why twice a week?"
"Because I don't know the effects a sudden change in sex will result in. I want to monitor you, and especially your hormone levels, to make sure nothing goes... awry." A pause. Then, quickly, "Also-there's-a-slight-chance-of-cellular-breakdown-or-contamination-but-that's-terribly-unlikely-so-there's-no-need-to-worry so how about Wednesdays and Saturdays at three?"
"Wait, what? Cellular contamination? And breakdown- You're supposed to know what you're doing, Edward! What did I just say about exploding?!"
"It'll be FINE! None of my patients have ever experienced either, it's just a precautionary measure! And you're certainly not going to explode."
Mustang sighed. "Oh, whatever. 3:00 is no good on Wednesdays, how about one?"
"Fine. Tomorrow, then?"
"Yeah. And Edward?"
"What?"
"If I spontaneously combust, I'm going to haunt you so badly your ancestors will have nightmares."
"Noted."
--
On Wednesday, Roy, as usual, saw fit to simply let himself in to Ed's house. His presence was wholly ignored in favor of the telephone.
"And what did her doctor say? That far already? But she's only... So she's due within the month, huh? Shit. Well, I can't get over there right now, Al; I've got a lot of patients, and I just performed an operation that I need to monitor the effects of! Besides, I always go up there- why can't you two just come to me? Look, if it wasn't a matter of someone's health and well being, I would, but- Alphonse Elric, if you let another doctor deliver my nephew, I will shove that baby back in her vagina just so I can deliver it myself. You think I'm kidding? Oh for god's sake, she shouldn't be working in her condition anyway, and I'm sure they'll let you take a few weeks off for the birth of your first child! I'm not saying you have to hide the wrenches, but she still shouldn't be working with dangerous machinery while she's almost eight months pregnant! Besides, don't you wanna see everyone here in Central and show off your big pregnant wife? Al, we both already know you're going to end up coming here, why are we still arguing? I love making things difficult for you, too, but I've had a patient standing in the doorway for about five minutes now and I should probably actually do my job. Love you too, Al. Give Winry my love, and I'll see you in a week or two. I'm not making assumptions, I'm making extremely accurate predictions because I know you and I know Winry and I really and actually can not leave right now. Bye, Al."
Mustang blinked. "I don't mean to eavesdrop unless it will actually benefit me but... Why is she eight months pregnant if the wedding was only six months ago?"
Ed quirked an eyebrow. Roy rolled his eyes. "Okay, obviously I know how, but considering this is your brother of all people a shotgun wedding seems a little... unlikely."
Ed shrugged. "Can't argue with that, actually. We're pretty sure it was conceived the night Al proposed, so... yeah, you're not wrong."
Mustang nodded. "Anyway, I'm actually on my lunchbreak right now, so it would be nice if this checkup didn't take too long."
"Sure," Ed agreed, "I just need to check your vitals, then do some testing on a blood and saliva sample I'll need to take."
Forty-five minutes into Mustang's hour-long lunch, or alternately, about twenty minutes after Ed had wandered off to do the necessary testing, the doctor came back.
"Good news and bad news," he said. "You're not going to explode."
"That is good news."
"That was the bad news. It would have been fun to watch. The good news is that I get to further torment you, because your hormone levels are absolutely absurd and need to be dealt with."
"I'm overjoyed, Ed. Really."
He was rewarded with a grin. "I thought you might be. Anyway, your hormones still haven't adjusted to your new body, meaning your testosterone is too high, and your estrogen levels are too low. You might have already noticed the effects, like mood swings and hot flashes. You body will eventually even itself out, but I want to regulate things as quickly as possible."
Roy nodded. "Right. I understand. So, hormone supplements, then?"
Ed pulled a pad of prescription paper out of the top drawer of his desk, scribbling on it. "Yep. Just some basic estrogen pills, no big deal. Come back on Saturday and we'll see if they do any good," he said, handing over the note.
"Estrogen, huh?" Roy mused quietly. He didn't like the thought.
--