I will spare you the details of my time with Zevran, it is not my intention to hurt you any more than I have already. Can you forgive me love? That I let him do those things to me only moments after we parted, I certainly cannot forgive myself. I do not blame Zevran, I was using him as much as he was using me. Suffice to say, I did not forget your touch in his embrace, nor did his passion soothe my wounded soul.

I felt nothing when Riordan told us that someone had to die to kill the Archdemon. I knew would be either him or me that struck the blow, you, of course, had your precious duty to fulfil. Yes, I am still bitter and hurting. I was prepared to die for Ferelden, it would be my choice, my final one.

Then Morrigan came to me and whispered in my ear. I still did not trust her, but we had formed a grudging respect for each other's skills and formidable personalities.

"You do not have to die, you do not have to watch anyone else die," she said.

"I would gladly die if it meant ridding the world of the Blight."

"That is the Grey Warden speaking, 'tis not your heart speaking. As a woman, as a lover, would you wish your death on your friends?"

"I would not ask another to die in my place."

"You would not? Do you think Alistair would be content to watch you die? Do you think he would allow you to strike the last blow, feeling as he does for you?"

"He has other duties to preoccupy him."

"Bah, you and he are too alike, both wrapped up in infuriating sensibilities and foolish notions of honour. He loves you, he would not see you die, not while there was breath left in his body."

"So what would you suggest, what is your plan? Some foul dark magic, no doubt?"

"Convince Alistair to lie with me, this union will in time produce a child and that child will absorb the soul of the Archdemon. It will be a child with the soul of an old god, free of the taint."

"You want me to convince him to lie with you..."

"You have not limited your affections to one man, you cannot object to him seeking pleasure elsewhere surely? Do you think Zevran would rejoice at your death either?"

"I... it's complicated."

"I say it is simple, one small act and you can be free of this. You can choose to rid yourself of that cursed responsibility, you can free Alistair of pain. It is entirely up to you."

I thought it a deal with a demon and privately I hated Morrigan for offering me the choice, but I went to you, as you know. You were in the library, brooding over the coming battle, just laying my eyes upon you made my heart squeeze painfully in my chest. I love you yet, so much that I couldn't believe I was willing to ask you what I had come to do.

"Alistair..." You looked up and the pain we had caused each other was plain upon your face.

"What is it? More battle plans?" You asked, trying to avoid my gaze.

I couldn't help myself: "I... I still love you" I saw your expression soften for a moment, "despite everything I've said and done... I love you."

"Don't say these things," you muttered, "it only makes it harder to let go."

"What if I told you we didn't have to let go? What if there was a way for the demon to die without taking anyone with it?"

"What are you saying?" You were suspicious and I couldn't blame you for that.

"You can save my life... all you have to do is..." I couldn't say it, I almost gave up.

"What? Do what, for the love of all, spit it out!"

"Lie with Morrigan tonight," I managed, eventually.

"If this is your idea of a joke it really stinks."

"Please... don't turn me down now," I said, feeling the tears beginning to start. I didn't have to tell you everything, I could have lied, but I didn't want anything hidden between us, not anymore. I told you how Morrigan would have a child and that she would disappear from our lives once the battle was over with.

"I really don't like this idea," you said, "I despise Morrigan and everything she stands for."

"In the future, you will have to lie with someone to get an heir. Think of it as... practice."

"That's not funny, if I had it my way you'd have been the only woman I ever... was with."

"We are all the victims of our choices, Alistair, none more so that you and I. Please, I don't want to see you die anymore than you want to see me dead."

"It is a strange world when the woman you love is begging you sleep with someone you hate," you said. You pulled me into your arms and held me, gently and silently. We stayed like that for a long time, my tears soaking your shirt.

"Alright, let's get this over with," you muttered.

"Come back to me when your are... finished. Whatever little time we have left before the battle, I want to spend it with you."

You left and did the deed. Afterwards we never spoke of it, we just sat silently side by side in the window seat. Watching the night go by, our hands close together but not touching. I was afraid to touch you now, you were blocked off from me. We were yet friends, but no longer lovers, though restraining myself from throwing my arms about you and forging our lips together in desperate passion was so difficult as to be painful. How could I stay and watch you marry another, if just being around you was so painful? How could I endure you fathering children and watching them grow up?

The night passed too quickly and then we were in the full throes of battle. It was with some trepidation that I delivered the final blow to the dragon that was the Archdemon. What if Morrigan's ritual did not work? Not only would I die, but I would have begged you to lie with her to no end. I almost wished for oblivion as I struck the blow, it would have spared me the pain of living without you.

But it worked and we all still lived, well apart from Riordin, but he had died a hero, which was enough for any Grey Warden. You were crowned King and I was proud of you. You asked me to stay and become the new leader of the Alienage, but I asked that you gave the position to my ever faithful cousin Shianni instead. You looked at me curiously, but there was no place for private talks in the palace.

"What will you do now?" You asked me quietly.

"I will be leaving with Zevran and Leilana, we are going to look for Morrigan." Maker help me, but this was a lie. It was the first and only time I had lied to you, Zevran and Leilana knew the truth, but they had sworn secrecy, they knew that even as King you would not allow me to do what I intended to do.

By the time you read this, it will be too late to stop me. Shianni is under strict instruction not to give you this letter until I am long gone. I thought I would be happy to live, thought I could escape the burden that all the Grey Wardens share, but I chose poorly. You see, my love for you is strong and will not die, if I could I would tear my heart from my breast and it would burn yet still. I almost hate you for igniting this feeling within me, this overwhelming obsession that can never be extinguished or fulfilled.

I am not looking for Morrigan, though if I saw her again I would gladly slit her throat and cut out her heart. She should not have interfered, she should not have offered us that choice. I was too weak not to accept her offer and you were too enamoured of me to refuse my pleading for my useless wasted life. I hope she is happy, alone and pregnant in the wilds, I only wish I had not killed Flemeth for her, I only wish she could feel some extent of the misery I feel.

We chose poorly, you and I. I cannot fault you for casting me aside, I should never had pushed you into being King. I am the victim of my own choices and unlike you, my love, I cannot live with them. I have no duty to tie me to life, so I shall do what all Grey Wardens do when their time grows near, I will take myself to the Deep Roads and lose myself in the shadows there.

I leave you the wedding ring my Nelaros never had the chance to give to me, my love. Keep it as a reminder of all the things we shared and of all the things we cannot have. Give it to your eldest child when your time comes, for the only place we can be together again is in the grave. I look forward to that day.

I love you, and I'm sorry.