binding wishes.
//
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it – Oscar Wilde.
//
He doesn't hate her.
No, he never hates people. But he intensely dislikes her. He dislikes every little thing about her, every little quirk and mannerism that are essential components of the girl she is.
He dislikes that she's cheerfully optimistic. Doesn't she realize that one day when dream turn to dust, she's simply going to fall harder because she cherished hope?
Of course, he's not optimistic. He's always calculated and before doing something big, he doesn't cross his fingers and hopes it sticks and then soars. Instead he expects the worse. The outcome is always better then. Because the odds of the worst thing happening are every rare. Yet, thinking it is not much of a big deal. It makes it easier that way and in a way, it's like preparing for the blow even when you know that it may not fall or when it does fall, it will fall to soft.
He dislikes that excessive adoration she feels for their band. It's overwhelming and effusive and so intense that it actually scares him. Every little detail about their life which she has memorized verbatim scares him because honestly, even he does not know that much about himself.
Her devotion is blind and she places them on pedestals so high, that even when they fall, she overlooks it just because she loves them so and they are the very air she breathes and the life that she lives.
This mentality of hers is almost sheep like and not one he looks too kindly upon. Adoring masses he enjoys but he's not sure obsessing masses he can do with.
Of course he would never do anything that would make him part of the herd. He likes thinking on his own, and laughing at the follies of other's because, 'such fools, these mortals be.'
Him with his cool logic and intelligence, he will never be like them and he most definitely will never be like her.
He dislikes how disorganized she gets in front of them. She's all over the place and her equipment placement is more often than not potentially injurious to their health and god, can she not control herself and act like a normal human being?
This graceless and breathless aspect of her is not something he likes very much. He doesn't have much respect for people who aren't in control of their facilities and who can't act like civilized adults.
Of course, he's always in control and calm and poised. He feels emotions but they do not run amok and take control of his better judgment. He's very much in control of himself and reining himself in is never a problem because he never gets that excited in the first place.
And most of all, he would never be a hazard to anyone's health and his notion of personal space is very fine tuned and something that he doesn't infringe upon.
Unlike her.
All these qualities of hers, they contrast so unfavorably with his. And sometimes he wishes she would just go away, because before she came, everything was perfect. Now everything is messy and upside down more than half the time.
He wishes, and with more intensity that he ever has before, that she would go away. Just go away from him and leave him alone to his perfect life. Everything, everything would be wonderful then.
//
And then, one day, his wish is granted.
//
She goes away from him.
//
Now he see's her optimistically cheering on his brothers in concerts and cheering Stella on at her fashion shows but there's never a word for him. She looks his way and she smiles at him but she never speaks to him, even when they are all alone.
She comforts his brothers and she gives them hope and smiles when they smile too. Smiles can be momentary, true, but after you fall, and you cry, you can still smile. She tells them that and gives them the strength to do that.
(You can be so close and yet so far and for the first time, he's learning that. And no, it's not a song lyric. It's a cold hard feeling he now experiences. And the lack of warmth in his life, it only darkens the gloom.)
//
But what does he need optimism for? Nothing at all. He can do it all by himself, just like he's been doing all this time before.
//
And he got his wish. It tastes sweet but sometimes he thinks, it's a little too artificial and not the real deal.
//
He thought her devotion was blind. But he was wrong. Her devotion is blind to the one's she loves. But she loves them enough to leave it at that and let bygones be bygones.
She doesn't like him though, let alone love him. Her devotion isn't blind to him at all. She may like Nick of Jonas, the personality he portrays on stage but she's privy to all his faults in real life. She won't call him out on them. She just turns her face and avoids him and his flaws. Maybe she doesn't want to see his flaws, and that's what he tells himself, but in his heart of hearts he knows that she just doesn't want to see him. Because he's a hypocrite of the worst kind.
And she knew that before him. And only now he realizes that about himself.
What a bitter after taste.
//
It's all the distance and he wishes that there was someone who would call him out for what he is. A presumptuous jerkass. But there's a distance and his brothers think he already knows and maybe they are too kind to tell him and she just doesn't care about him anymore to tell him. Because she only calls out the ones she loves.
And she doesn't even like him in the first place.
Realization is a hard pill to swallow; even more so when he realizes that he was the fool in the first place.
//
She's graceless and breathless in front of Kevin and for that Kevin adores her. There's something to be said for sparkling eyes and awkward legs and its love which makes her do that and Kevin doesn't mind one bit. He loves her for who she is even when he's going down with her and getting hit in the process.
And he realizes, it isn't graceless. She is graceful. She's tumbling into love and stuttering into it and each breath she takes, she breathes in love. Her cheeks pink and her eyes wide and god she looks beautiful.
There's a warm feeling that the scene before his eyes inspires—Kevin falling and Macy with him and rolling in the dead leaves on the garden—but then it's doused by cold reality.
There's so much beauty and warmth in this and this is what he spurned in favour of being civilized, no, actually heartless and ignorant and stupid. It could have been him. It could have been him experiencing mind-numbing happiness and it could have been him seeing the world through a fresh perspective and it could have been him learning how to live again. It could have been him with that wonderful girl, showered with love and affection.
But he's a fool. A fool that lives in castle and looks down on everyone else when really he's the one to be pitied.
But maybe it's not too late.
Everything can be fixed right?
And words will heal wounds and wipe away wishes right?
"Don't." Joe tells him grimly."Don't do it and spoil it for them. Stop being so selfish. You got what you wanted right? Let them enjoy what they have wanted for so long."
His hands falls by his side and the poetic words die on his lips. Macy and Kevin tumble in the grass and a moment later Joe and Stella join them, leaving him standing at the sidelines watching, so lonely and cold.
There's a distance him between him and Macy and it exists not in physical terms but in mental terms.
She's gone away.
He wished her away.
And he got what he wished for.
Ain't life wonderful?
That's one of my favourite quotes by Oscar Wilde. And yeah, sometimes I imagine Nick like this. I don't know why though. Anyhow, this would be the first post in a flurry of four posts which I plan to do this weekend. I apologize in advance for the spammage. You have been warned. :)
Also excuse my travesty of a title. For an hour I burned my brain. Then I gave up in pursuit of chocolate which was a far more successful operation.