Fandom: Twilight

Characters: Leah Clearwater, Sam Uley with appearances by various other recognizable characters.

Rating: ~A~ for angsty as heck.

Status: Short Story, POST BREAKING DAWN

Author's Notes: I wrote the story with a specific playlist in mind. All the songs for each part are at the bottom

Summary: The wolf pack is now united again after Jacob takes his place as the rightful Alpha. This mean Leah is once again mentally connected to her ex Sam. To make matters worse, his wedding to Emily is just days away. The buzz of the wedding is everywhere and Leah can't escape her feelings. She desperately loves Sam no matter how happy she wants him to be. It should be her standing at the altar but there's nothing she can do. Slowly Leah's facade dissolves leaving her with open wounds she must learn to live with alone.. or not.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Stephenie Meyer's wonderful creation. This is simply written out of admiration for her characters.

Part Four; The Scientist

I continued running hard aiming for no particular direction. My lungs burned with the effort but my mind was too preoccupied to take heed. The sting of it was refreshing. Finally something else to focus on that didn't resonate from that ache deep inside. Then again I was running away from tonight trying to get away from having my fate sealed for good. I was aware though how the imprinting took away my fate long before this evening. Marriage just seemed final.

My mind kept racing back to thoughts I hadn't fully let myself remember in a long time. I was already suffering might as well get everything out in the open. "You want to hear my side?" I asked myself realizing it was just me alone in the forest. "Okay then let's dredge this all up." I accelerated then my muscles stretching pleasantly to compensate for how much harder I was running now. The sound of my paws meeting the earth in a sort of rhythm echoed through the trees causing smaller animals to scatter.

Let's get it all out there. I was tired of avoiding it. I needed this moment. I need to feel something more potent than what I forced myself to forget.

The first memory ignited the ache and images of Sam and I in high school swirled around my brain. Our first date, our first kiss—our first time. His hand caressing its' way from my right temple, down my cheek, swooping over my lips before it traced the way down to my hand holding on to it tightly. I remembered it well enough the sentiment pushing harder on that soft spot I'd stirred awake. More memories, this time of how each of his kisses tasted of man, the hint wood smoke accenting the amount of time he spent outdoors helping his grandfather. An image showing the curve of every muscle in is body, so strong and rough working shirtless outdoors on those days I sat admiring the man I was so in love with. These days he was shirtless so often but it never got old. These were the things I kept from my 'brothers' or at least tried. Having them know how much I still pined for Sam, for us- again. It was a losing battle from the start. The memories took on a different feel from then on. I choked back tears recalling the way his voice cracked when he'd ended things. All of it, everything, so abrupt with no explanation. In one moment Sam had given up on me, on us, for a future with Emily whom he'd just met back then. I was devastated. So utterly broken yet watching them together made sense in a messed up sort of way as much as my body wanted to refuse it all. In my mind I saw the pained look on Sam's face before he walked out of my door. I remembered hurdling myself in his way my voice cracking with desperation hoping he would change his mind. The burning sting catching Emily and Sam in an embrace while I looked on angry, broken and destitute. Memories of nights spent soaked in tears with my mother trying unsuccessfully to comfort me. Seth didn't need to see it in my head to know what it truly felt like. Glimpses of Seth's face, helpless, staring at me as I threw another fit flashed in my head. All of it was so unfair. To know all the reasons after there was no way whatsoever to change them. If it weren't for my genetic freakiness I would still go on wondering why. The anger raging inside me brought me to a halt near a familiar stream. It seemed back then my only outlet was to make others miserable just to avoid having to remember all of that. I licked furiously at the fresh water replenishing my tiring muscles.

"I just want to know…"

A branch broke nearby cutting off my thought.

I hadn't known I wasn't alone. Everyone was sneaking up on me today. This time was completely different. I whirled around to see Sam, his black fur almost invisible among the trees. He whimpered.

I growled.

"How long have you been phased?" I questioned internally.

"I followed you after the toast." He replied weakly.

So he had been here this whole time. The. Whole. Time. I yelped quietly remembering everything I'd been thinking.

I phased before I could cause any more destruction- to him and to myself. My private moment passed and there was no taking it back. Luckily a discarded pile of clothing lay a few feet away and I jetted towards them the wind raising gooseflesh over my naked body. As fast as I could, I yanked the t-shirt over my head pulling the shorts on right after. Colin. These were his. I recognized the smell. He was more my size than the others which was good for me. Even still, I felt naked. Every single memory I'd repressed were exposed; all to the one person I meant to avoid. This feeling vulnerable deal wasn't flying with me. I needed to feel in control again. Sam had a front row seat to my misery. A misery we shared. A misery we both shoved deep down inside never confronting the other about it. Now here all my feelings were laid out a silver platter. I didn't bother wiping away the tears this time; I just continued walking so fast I may as well have been running. I was a coward.

Sam followed, human now, after me. His footsteps sounded like drums being played in my skull. Couldn't he just let me be? He was happy, that was enough for me. Let me feel this on my own.

"Leah slow down." Sam called from behind.

I kept my pace even. My speed wasn't a deterrent. He could keep up full well. What did he want that he hadn't already taken from me?

"Don't follow me Sam." I ordered my voice wavering.

"Where are you going?" He wondered, his breath even meeting my pace just fine.

"Somewhere. Anywhere." I replied, not completely aware of why I was amusing him with my response. Instead I remained focus closing in on the end of the forest.

"Lee-Lee. Please don't go anywhere."

My body froze unable to move under the weight of those words and the heat of his hand restraining my arm struck high in my chest. This was way below the belt even for Sam. Using his nickname for me to soften me up, I wouldn't let this work this time. Only once since he left me for Emily had he ever used it. That time had been to convince me to come back after I'd left to join Jacob's pack. It stung less coming from Jared but hearing Sam's voice say it caused the ache in me to explode. He could never get rid of me the way I could never completely be rid of him.

When I looked back, he was thankfully clothed but wearing the pained expression I could likely call the 'Leah-face' for how many times Sam wore it around me. He was also closer than I anticipated. I had to stop myself before I bowled him over. Sam caught me before I fell backward over a broken branch keeping me at arm's length. The tears were drying now but I felt my face looked a mess even in the dim light of the moon. I shied away from looking directly at him and Sam took it as a sign to let me go. Like so much between us, it seemed one or the other were letting go. Instinctively my arms wrapped themselves around my chest looking to protect whatever shroud of dignity I possessed.

A silent moment passed between us my back still facing Sam. The silence was heavy with history weighing like a smoky fog surrounding our still forms. So badly I wanted to move but my feet remained rooted to the ground. A brush of wind ran up my spine sending violent shivers through my torso. I rubbed my hands along my arms trying to calm the chill that surely didn't have everything to do with a slight breeze. Hands joined mine and the extra heat helped immediately. I was no longer shaking. The contact would hurt in the morning though. It would hurt like any other day. My first move should be to break the contact and save myself from this heartache. Now that Sam was solid against my flesh instead of the intangible figure from my nightmares the pain seemed much too real. It hurt less when it was just me battling against the memories. This was wrong.

"Stop." I whispered firmly. His hands fell to his sides. Sam walked around to face me.

"I'm sorry." He apologized. There was a new sadness in Sam's eyes now. One that didn't match his 'Leah face'.

I lowered my gaze to look to the floor.

"This won't end will it." My question was more a statement.

Sam drew a quick breath in startling me. When I looked up I saw the tears.

"Sam…" I let my voice trail off realizing I had no idea what to say.

"You don't know how hard this all has been on me. To put you through all that. To not be able to explain any of it when you needed it most. Of course, you never let yourself see that when we're phased." Sam explained shaking his head letting the tension in the moment get to him a little. "If you had you would know I was suffering along with you."

The intensity in his voice, in his body, surprised me and I started chewing my lower lip to distribute some of the pain somewhere other than my chest.

"Do you know what it's like to have your world come together, to be whole finally knowing how utterly destroyed I left you in the wake of it all? I cared Leah. I still care. More than I think I'm allowed too. But it's different now. The imprinting changed things. They're not the same feelings anymore. And I'm sorry for that." He went on.

I'd bitten my lip so hard I could taste the iron in the the tiny lick of blood from the wound. My eyes closed and I furrowed my brow in raw understanding.

"If I could change things. If I could make it better for you, for everyone I would. But I can't, and I'm too content in my life with Emily now to want that anymore. Can you understand that?"

The words hesitated before I finally spoke breathless, "Yes."

"I'll forever suffer knowing what I caused you. As long as you're unhappy part of me will be too. You'll always have a place in my heart Lee-Lee, even if it's not the place you want." Sam finished.

"It's unfair Sam. The universe up and stole you from me." I started to say when he palmed my cheek with his hand cradling my face. The gesture felt much as it had when it was strictly meant for me but different. The way he'd just described.

"I want you Sam. I won't deny that. I won't let go of that. It's all I have." I told him, my voice uneasy. "It's all I want."

I heard Sam sigh then brushing a wisp of my hair behind my ear. His eyes were focused on mine. He looked at me intently waiting for me to finish.

"I miss you." Was all I said.

Fresh tears started down my face and I sobbed quietly trying not to make more of a scene of my emotions than I already had. I angled my body away from him but Sam caught my chin in his hand directing me back to face him.

In the next movement his lips were urgent against mine. There was no hesitation in me as I responded to him inching myself more solidly against him. His hand met the small of my back pressing me impatiently closer. Our lips moved together urging the other past the point of no return. There was an invisible force drawing us together neither coming up for air just yet. I let my hands loose and tangled them into the short crop of his hair. My lip throbbed where I bit it earlier but I ignored it too engrossed in the present moment. His hands roved over as much of me as they could find. This definitely wouldn't be good in the morning. I let the kiss continue a few seconds longer too greedy to give this up too soon. Eventually we would need to take a deep breath.

A few heartbeats later I hauled myself from his lips enjoying the fresh oxygen.

"Sam…" I breathed.

"I miss you too." Sam chuckled just as breathless. "I miss that more than I should." This made me giggle too. I felt lightheaded from the exchange searching for a place to catch my breath before spotting a decent spot. We sat at the same time still flushed from the kiss.

"How much trouble do you think we'll get in for that?" I wondered considering how hard it would be to avoid thinking about.

"We'll probably get a few jabs from the guys. I think I'll be in the dog house for a bit with Emily- no pun intended, but nothing serious."

I understood why he sounded so light hearted about the situation. Most guys refrain from kissing their ex-girlfriends before their weddings if they still want one to happen. This particular kiss was long overdue. In a way it was the break-up I needed. It didn't make me want Sam any more than I already did. It certainly didn't make me feel as though I had any shot in the world of getting him back. It wasn't the bad kind of kiss because everything about the way he kissed me was different. I wouldn't totally be over him, not with what I put myself through. Somehow this exchange made it easier to accept his loss. The kiss answered what I needed to know; that there was no chance of us being what we were.

I leaned in to rest my head on Sam's shoulder his arm snaking around mine. He would always be my Sam I knew that. I just had to learn how to live with this new version of him.

***

The Scientist – Coldplay

Your Fractured Life – Air Traffic

Gardenia – Mandy Moore

Easy – Bon Iver

A Constant Knot – City and Colour