A note before this starts: We didn't make up these characters, JK did, we
just put them in unusual situations, this is not to be taken seriously,
and anyone who does so should seek psychiatric help!
1 The Ultimate Harry Potter Romance
Chapter One:
Hermione searches for love.
"Let's share a Bertie Bott's bean, beautiful" Ron purred sexily.
Hermione giggled. At long last, she and Ron were alone together, in each other's arms. Ron pulled her close, passionately, placing the bean on his tongue. They kissed. It was the moment they had both been waiting for, for so long.
"EURCH!! That's GROSS!" Ron squealed.
"What? I thought it was quite nice"
"MARMITE FLAVOUR! I hate Marmite"
"To quote the Muggle ad, you either love it or you hate it"
"You like it?!?" Ron playfully threw a pillow from the near by conveniently located bed, that is, pillow cupboard.
Hermione's eyes prickled with tears. "YOU insensitive jerk!" She threw a punch at him and missed.
"I didn't mean it"
Still, Hermione sensed that their relationship was falling like the Quaffle in a Quidditch foul. She threw another punch, and hit him square on the forehead. He slumped back as she ran away in tears.
Hermione was shocked at herself she ran straight into the girls toilets. Without opening the door. Standing before her, looking incredibly sheepish, was Draco Malfoy. Surprised from her sorrow, she shrieked, "WHAT THE BLEEP ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?"
"Language Mudblood!"
"Draco, you bleeping blankety blank, what the bleep are you bleeping doing in the bleeping girls' bleeping bogs?"
"Er, detention?"
Draco shifted uncomfortably, revealing something odd under his trousers.
"And, why the bleep are you wearing fishnet tights?"
"Erm. Well you know how strict McGonagall is."
Hermione softened. It must be so painful, hiding this from everyone. She paused.
"And why have you got a couple of Bludgers chained to your chest under a… BIKINI TOP?"
"Erm…I'm on detention from Madame Hooch too"
Hermione stifled a giggle. She struggled to remain serious. She said kindly, "Would you like to talk about your transvestite tendencies?"
"Er…" he burst into tears. "Yes…I am a transvestite. But it's all for you"
"For me?"
"I thought you were a lesbian"
She tried not to hurt his feelings.
"A BLEEPING LESBIAN? ARE YOU MAD? I know Ron's quite feminine, but…"
He burst into fresh tears.
"Y…Y…You, you an…and, We-weasley?"
"Not anymore. He threw a pillow at me."
"The little BLANKETY BLANK! I'll tell my father about this…he'll get that Weasel"
"Er, yes. Quite."
Draco pulled at Hermione's cloak.
"Can I have this? Let me take it"
"No, it's OK, you don't have to" Hermione choked.
"Honestly, I want to, let me do it please!"
"Draco, I can…can't breathe…un...un-do…the...butto…"
"Butto?"
"BUTTON"
Hermione dies.
There's a bang as Harry runs into the room.
"Malfoy you bleeping blank, what are you doing here?"
Harry notices Hermione's body on the floor, kneels down beside her and starts to give her mouth to mouth. Draco stared in horror.
"You and HER? Did last night mean nothing to you?"
"Draco darling! It's not what it looks like! I have to resuscitate Hermione or Ron will get suspicious" Harry pulled Hermione's huge gold earring from her nose, "Draco, will you marry me?"
"Yes…But there's something you should know"
Harry waited with baited breath.
"Harry…You are pregnant with my child…I examined your urine samples in Potions…"
Hermione stirred.
"Draco, do you like Marmite?" she moaned.
"I love it" Draco replied absentmindedly.
"Draco…I love it too…I love you…let's share some…"
Draco ignored her.
"Harry…you mean so much to me. But there's something else you should know…"
"Yes, Draco, oh love of my life?"
Draco kissed Harry and frowned.
"Hermione's pregnant with your child…I happen to REALLY like urine"
Harry looked at Hermione shocked.
"YOU LYING LITTLE BLEEP. YOU TOLD ME IF WAS FOR A POTION!"
Harry picks up a bar of soap and runs at Hermione, Draco blocks him from her.
"No Harry. The manipulative beep isn't worth it."
Harry falls into Draco's arms and starts to weep as Hermione looks on amazed.
"I really love you Draco" Harry sobs as Draco kisses him softly.
TO BE CONTINUED…
1 The Ultimate Harry Potter Romance
Chapter One:
Hermione searches for love.
"Let's share a Bertie Bott's bean, beautiful" Ron purred sexily.
Hermione giggled. At long last, she and Ron were alone together, in each other's arms. Ron pulled her close, passionately, placing the bean on his tongue. They kissed. It was the moment they had both been waiting for, for so long.
"EURCH!! That's GROSS!" Ron squealed.
"What? I thought it was quite nice"
"MARMITE FLAVOUR! I hate Marmite"
"To quote the Muggle ad, you either love it or you hate it"
"You like it?!?" Ron playfully threw a pillow from the near by conveniently located bed, that is, pillow cupboard.
Hermione's eyes prickled with tears. "YOU insensitive jerk!" She threw a punch at him and missed.
"I didn't mean it"
Still, Hermione sensed that their relationship was falling like the Quaffle in a Quidditch foul. She threw another punch, and hit him square on the forehead. He slumped back as she ran away in tears.
Hermione was shocked at herself she ran straight into the girls toilets. Without opening the door. Standing before her, looking incredibly sheepish, was Draco Malfoy. Surprised from her sorrow, she shrieked, "WHAT THE BLEEP ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?"
"Language Mudblood!"
"Draco, you bleeping blankety blank, what the bleep are you bleeping doing in the bleeping girls' bleeping bogs?"
"Er, detention?"
Draco shifted uncomfortably, revealing something odd under his trousers.
"And, why the bleep are you wearing fishnet tights?"
"Erm. Well you know how strict McGonagall is."
Hermione softened. It must be so painful, hiding this from everyone. She paused.
"And why have you got a couple of Bludgers chained to your chest under a… BIKINI TOP?"
"Erm…I'm on detention from Madame Hooch too"
Hermione stifled a giggle. She struggled to remain serious. She said kindly, "Would you like to talk about your transvestite tendencies?"
"Er…" he burst into tears. "Yes…I am a transvestite. But it's all for you"
"For me?"
"I thought you were a lesbian"
She tried not to hurt his feelings.
"A BLEEPING LESBIAN? ARE YOU MAD? I know Ron's quite feminine, but…"
He burst into fresh tears.
"Y…Y…You, you an…and, We-weasley?"
"Not anymore. He threw a pillow at me."
"The little BLANKETY BLANK! I'll tell my father about this…he'll get that Weasel"
"Er, yes. Quite."
Draco pulled at Hermione's cloak.
"Can I have this? Let me take it"
"No, it's OK, you don't have to" Hermione choked.
"Honestly, I want to, let me do it please!"
"Draco, I can…can't breathe…un...un-do…the...butto…"
"Butto?"
"BUTTON"
Hermione dies.
There's a bang as Harry runs into the room.
"Malfoy you bleeping blank, what are you doing here?"
Harry notices Hermione's body on the floor, kneels down beside her and starts to give her mouth to mouth. Draco stared in horror.
"You and HER? Did last night mean nothing to you?"
"Draco darling! It's not what it looks like! I have to resuscitate Hermione or Ron will get suspicious" Harry pulled Hermione's huge gold earring from her nose, "Draco, will you marry me?"
"Yes…But there's something you should know"
Harry waited with baited breath.
"Harry…You are pregnant with my child…I examined your urine samples in Potions…"
Hermione stirred.
"Draco, do you like Marmite?" she moaned.
"I love it" Draco replied absentmindedly.
"Draco…I love it too…I love you…let's share some…"
Draco ignored her.
"Harry…you mean so much to me. But there's something else you should know…"
"Yes, Draco, oh love of my life?"
Draco kissed Harry and frowned.
"Hermione's pregnant with your child…I happen to REALLY like urine"
Harry looked at Hermione shocked.
"YOU LYING LITTLE BLEEP. YOU TOLD ME IF WAS FOR A POTION!"
Harry picks up a bar of soap and runs at Hermione, Draco blocks him from her.
"No Harry. The manipulative beep isn't worth it."
Harry falls into Draco's arms and starts to weep as Hermione looks on amazed.
"I really love you Draco" Harry sobs as Draco kisses him softly.
TO BE CONTINUED…