Title: Lab rat

Author: Enide Dear

Pairing: RenoxCloud also featuring Hojo

Rating: Slightly indecent behaviour

Summary: We were *this* close to red-headed Remnants...

Author's note: I'll be more eager to encourage 'thinking outside the box' when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.

"No."

"Excuse me?"

"No, you hear me?! You got a blood sample, a cell sample, a hair sample and had me piss in a fucking cup, yo. But there ain't no way I'm going to jack off for you!"

Hojo sighed, and adjusted his glasses. The new Turk glared at him, arms crossed and not amused.

"Every ShinRa employee has to provide a series of samples to be stored for future needs. There's no need for you to start feeling *special*. If you are to have any future here, you need to learn to obey orders…"

"Yeah, but not without questions." Reno huffed. "I ain't one of those low-brow Soldiers!"

"Right, you are a Turk, which will mean going into some seriously dangerous situations. The samples might be the one thing that will lead us to you…"

"What the Hell kind of mission would give me time to masturbate in the corners so you can follow me?!"

"You'd be surprised." Hojo had had enough. "Here –" he shoved the glass jar at the red-head "- just take this, and leave a semen sample in it, and return it to me. If you have any other questions, take them up with Tseng. Some of us have work to do!"

Reno glared after the professor who had moved over to the other end of the cluttered laboratory, lifting and checking bottles and test tubes. He had seriously suspected that the lab sample tests had been some inventive new way to trick rookies – like the 'pet Reeve's cat' had turned out to be – but now it seemed it was all too real. He shivered. This place freaked him out – the dirty jars, the odd things bubbling over Bunsen burners, the smell of chemicals and worse things that had gone into the walls….he was almost certain he'd heard the disturbing sound of insanely giggling children from one of the rooms he'd passed by, and was that a fucking *coffin* over there by the wall?

He still wasn't sure if this was some kind of rookie trick or not, but he was damned sure about one thing – there were no way he was going to leave his spunk with this old pervert.

Being a Turk was all about thinking outside the box, right? Or the lab, in this case.

"Hey, you got any magazines or something around here? I mean part from New Scientist and Mutants Weekly – something for us without a test tube fetish?"

"Go. Away." Came the muffled answer from the other side of the room.

"Right, I'll just go to my room, 'cause I got some good literature there. I'll be back in twenty minutes!" Reno dashed out of the room with the cup.

Finding a willing victim wasn't very hard; the Soldiers where all testosterone ridden explosions ready to go off anyway. Reno grabbed a rather cute but pouty blonde by the elbow as he rushed past him, pulling him along.

"Hey! What are you doing, Turk?" The guy frowned as Reno kicked open a supply room and dragged him inside.

Reno grinned and kneeled down, pulling down the guys zipper. The blonde gasped and blushed but at least he didn't whine any longer.

"Just you relax and enjoy. This is your lucky day, yo!"

Reno came out a bit later and ran around a corner to spit the spunk in the plastic cup. There. A semen sample was what was asked for, right, so here it was.

"Wait!" The blonde stumbled out after him, trying to zip his pants. "Wait, I don't even know your name."

"Don't worry, I don't know yours either!" Reno waved and ran for the lab.

He considered his first Turk mission now complete.