AN: There are a lot of flaws in this only because I wrote it in an hour. This is my first attempt at the Sookieverse, and I hope I did it justice. I hope you take the time to read and review!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the Southern Vampire Mysteries. I'm just having some fun.

WARNING: This story spoils the first chapter of Dead in the Family by Charlaine Harris. If you haven't read it, you probably shouldn't read this, although, I don't think it spoils too much.

I Love You, But I've Chosen Darkness

I was awake, but for a little while longer I kept my eyes closed. I pushed aside all thoughts, all feelings and rested, relaxed for the first time in a while. I had taken to bed earlier than the average person and had woken early in the morning. I knew this. I didn't have to check my alarm clock to tell me it was only around two. That's what I get for crawling into bed for a nap at four. I groaned and threw an arm across my eyes, hating myself for choosing to give in to exhaustion and sleeping before dinner. I wasn't hungry, I wasn't anything but heavy. Although, I had lost more weight in the past couple months than I ever could have done if I tried through careful dieting and exercise. JB was helping me with my rehab into getting my limbs back into action, but it was more of a physical struggle than a vigorous workout. I was pulling at muscles I hadn't been able to use, and I would end each session in a sweat, but it was different than what one would normally do to lose weight through exercise.

I sighed and felt the odd, familiar sensation of my ear popping, as if I was ascending high in the sky on a plane. But, no, this is what my right ear did now – it often felt muffled, as if water was clogged deep inside, it would ring. I rubbed at it, attempting to push the affliction away, but to no avail. This is how I was now, broken. Nevertheless, I was finally admitting to myself that I was on the road to healing, to wanting to get better. I was in an odd crossroads in my life – Life - wanting to live empty, unfeeling and wanting to move on and continue with what time God has given me – and for whatever reason that was still completely unclear to me, God was giving me more time than Lady Luck probably ever intended.

I rolled over, slowly, avoiding my deep bruises from any pressure from my turning. I was on my other side, facing away from the window, my eyes still shut. I tried to get back to sleep, by humming to myself, counting sheep, stopping all thought, but nothing worked. The house was empty. All life force that Amelia brought to it was vacant and it was noticeable. But she had to leave, I reminded myself. She wasn't ever going to stay here forever. She had a life away from you and your pseudo-train stop on the supernatural express that was your front lawn, I announced in my mind. Thankfully, the supes were keeping their distance from me, for the most part, recently. Sam would come by and visit as often as work would allow him. He would always tell me how much they all missed me at the bar, and I always tried to think of a time frame when I might be able to return, but came up short, wordlessly staring at him, unable to give him a day, a time, anything. I couldn't give anyone, anything. Not now. Hopefully, again, someday. But not now.

Bill was near; much closer than Amelia or anyone else I loved. He was still recovering from the silver poisoning. And last week, I had trudged across the cemetery soon after the sun had set and visited my vampire saviour, my ex-vampire lover. I had no idea what Bill meant to me, but it was important. I thought I had come to a conclusion the night of the fairy war, but every time I saw him, what little emotions I could collect, always swirled in a confusing haze. I wanted to help him. I wanted him to feel completely better, to walk smoothly, to talk as minimally as he used to in his southern drawl and to see the life in his cool gaze, or as much as a life as a walking corpse could gather. He was withdrawn and weak. I knew he hated me seeing him that way, but I couldn't just leave him alone until he was one-hundred percent better. That just wasn't me to sit back when someone I cared about was suffering, even though I am too. I liked concentrating on him, it took away from the darkness that most of my thoughts had huddled into in my brain.

I grabbed the pillow under my head and turned it vertically so I could hug it. I curled around it, and begged my body to sleep, unfortunately, however, I remained conscious. I slowly opened my eyes, nearly giving up on sleep. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and decided to get a glass of water. I pulled myself up onto my bottom, with my legs on the old hard-wood floor and shuffled to the rocking chair in the corner of my room, where my house coat was waiting. I pulled it on and felt a strain at my abdomen. I winced and continued to my kitchen. It was much nicer since it had been rebuilt because of the fire, but I still missed the old, rustic feel of the previous one that had held occupancy to my Gran's homely presence. Firmly instructing myself to not think about my Gran, I opened a cupboard and grabbed a clear glass and held it under the tap, fetching for some water. I stared out of the window, my mind wandered to a welcome, blank place as I stared into the trees, lost of all emotion. I wasn't sure how long I stared, but I was woken from my gaze when I caught a flash through the trees. Immediately, I came to my senses and realized that water was overflowing from the glass and my hand was wet. I turned the tap off and felt a jolt of panic so powerful that I had forgotten what real emotions felt like.

I backed away and into my kitchen table, my eyes intent on the forest outside my house. Maybe it was Claude? Or Dermot? Or a vampire? I begged it to be the gentle Bubba, but realized he probably would have made his presence known. I gripped the chair and looked around my kitchen, wondering what I could use as a weapon. Something very close to adrenaline was pumping through my veins, and strangely, I realized I missed it. This need, this instinct of survival. I had to live. I had a life. Maybe not much of one at the moment, but soon I knew I would. I grabbed a sturdy new frying pan and held it in my hands, ready to attack. It would do me very little if it was a supe, but I felt better with it in my grasp. I didn't know where I should go; if I should wait by the door if they planned to attack, or if I should hide, or if I should call Eric...

I let out a breath of relief when I saw a collie trot across my lawn. Oh, it was just Sam. Curious, I put down my weapon and opened the door to the outside world from my kitchen. I was down the few steps and on my grass before I could think properly. Sam seemed to realize I had caught him and froze. He turned to me, his tail wagging playfully.

"Sam," I said cautiously. "What are you doing here?" I could tell that he was considering turning into his human self, or just remaining a dog. I was grateful when he shifted in front of me, a sight I hadn't seen in a while, and was standing there naked. I had no real desire to give his body a serious look and stared at his face.

"Sookie," he breathed, looking a bit winded from the transformation. I glanced at the moon and noted it wasn't full, but a nice crescent.

"Did you just close the bar?" I asked, still unsure of the exact time. My mind was elsewhere.

"Yeah, I came to check on the house."

"Do you do that a lot?"

I saw his expression turn bashful, his eyes downward.

"You don't have to do that, really," my voice was soft and was surprised that he heard me, when his eyes turned hard and he gazed at me seriously.

"I do. I want to," he said. I frowned, shaking my head, in no mood to put up a fight. I wasn't in any mood to defend what I normally would believe was right. I just let things be, lately.

"Sam, it's late. You run a business. You need sleep. You shouldn't be pacing up and down my drive looking out for..." I hesitated, not willing to consider the amount of things that were after me.

"Sookie, you're...important to me. I worry about you a lot, and it makes me more at ease knowing that you're safe. Just...let me look out for you." I stared into his blue eyes for a long while, understanding his sincerity and desire to help me. It was so kind, that I felt another emotion that I hadn't felt in a while. Compassion, gratefulness. My eyes weld up with tears, much to my surprise, and I fought the lump that had risen in my throat.

"Sam you're too good to me. I hardly deserve it," I uttered, shaking my head, staring at my bare feet, my toes wiggling against the browning grass – I hadn't watered it in a while, and rain had been sparse so far this winter.

"Sookie, you're the best person I know. The bravest, you deserve all good things," Sam stepped closer. I blushed, realizing my eyes were directly staring at his private area. I looked up and saw his close proximity. "I know," he paused, "you're with Eric, now."

"Yes," I breathed, his eyes open, vulnerable. I couldn't stop him, even if my brain was in the right as he leaned forward and gently pressed his lips to mine. It was fleeting and he pulled back. "Thank you," I whispered. I wasn't sure if I was exactly thankful for the kiss, but the words, most definitely. I felt a cool breeze reach my body. My housecoat wasn't warm at all, it was light and breezy and a chill reached my frame. I shivered and Sam rubbed my arms, methodically. I could feel his warmth. I smiled at him and stepped back from his reach. "Thank you," I repeated. "You should go home. I'm fine now."

"Sookie..." he said.

"Eric's here," I shrugged. Sam froze and looked around the property, sniffing the air, I could tell. "He's inside," I explained.

"How long has he been here?" Sam looked a bit smug, and I deeply disliked that, but it was gone before a look of concern and love reached back to me.

"Since before you kissed me. Look, Sam, I appreciate your kindness and generosity, and I hope to be back at work soon. For you," I told him, truthfully. "You're the only thing that keeps me at that place."

He smiled. "I know. Get better, Sookie. I miss you."

My eyes fluttered. I felt tired, exhausted emotionally. "Goodnight, Sam." I gave him one more final look and turned back to my house and locked my back door, securely and through my kitchen. I got that glass of water I had messed up before and returned to my bedroom, my feet cold like ice.

Eric was lying on my bed, his eyes focused on me. He was fully clothed, which surprised me a bit. I took off my house coat, and stood in my nightie. I stared at him, he stared back. I took a sip of my water, relishing in the cool liquid traveling down my throat, though I shivered from being out in the night. I walked over to my bedside table and put down the water. I hesitantly laid back on my bed and rolled to my side to stare at Eric. His blond mane almost reached my fingers and I blew a little air at it, watching a small chunk fly upward. I inched closer to him, looking for warmth. I watched him reach down and pull the covers up to my elbow. He had kicked off his shoes and shimmied down the bed slightly, before turning to face me too. His hand was in my hair and he brushed it to the side. I felt safer than ever. His hand rested on my cheek and stroked it calmly.

"Have you eaten?" his voice was barely above a whisper, and I hadn't caught the beginning of the sentence, but he asked it of me so frequently that I knew what he meant. I didn't want to tell him I hadn't eaten anything, but I couldn't lie.

"Not really," I admitted. He nodded, his sapphire eyes clear and guarded. They were always guarded lately. His mouth was downward and grim, and I longed for nothing but his smile. "Eric," I pushed my face closer to his, wanting to be close. I felt a jolt of anger from him, but I brushed it aside, knowing, without a doubt, that it was not directed at me. "Do I smell?"

Eric rolled his eyes. "Of course you do," he said.

"You stayed away."

"Mmm," he kissed my forehead, his lips cool and welcome. "He can have his moment."

I wondered what had helped push aside his instinctual vampire possessiveness, but I didn't worry over it. His grace was lovely and I wanted him to kiss me. The angle that he was at, would require me to leave my head from the pillow, and I wanted to do no such thing. I tapped my lips with my index finger, indicating I wanted a kiss.

He complied, softly and hesitantly. It was all so cautious. All the time.

"I can take a shower," I offered.

"Get some sleep, my lover," he responded. Although, at the moment the warm water was inviting, I wasn't in the mood to sleep, even though I was much more ready for bed now.

"I want to take a shower." He matched my look and got out of bed. I missed his presence and reached out onto the sheets where he had just been and caressed them. I could hear the shower being turned on and he re-entered the room, looking absolutely breathtaking with the light from the bathroom behind him, giving him a soft orangey glow. His regular, vampire glow was still every-present, and I stared at him, my mouth slightly open. "Come," he said. I got out of bed, just as measured as before and made my way to him, he waited.

Once we were in the bathroom, the steam began to fill the room. He closed the door and I looked at him expectantly. Without any words he pulled my nightie over my head, and I stood naked. He yanked off his shirt, but without any urgency that one has in the heat of the moment, and stripped off his jeans. He had gone commando, and I smiled weakly. It was very Eric-like in an un-Eric-like moment. He wasn't taking advantage of our naked bodies like he normally would. Instead, he held me by the waist and lifted me into the shower, following behind.

I was bombarded with the memory of my number one favourite shower ever. Eric, void of memory, surprising me with his gracious plenty and odd innocence. I felt warmed just at the thought, as the water messaged my head, my hair completely soaked. I looked up at Eric and he was still mostly dry. I moved around so that he could put his head under the water and he did so. He put his large hands on my waist once again and looked down at my bruises and scars that had only been halfway healed by the vampire blood. His expression didn't change from the emotionless mask he had. He reached behind him and grabbed the shampoo. Soon, he was massaging my scalp, soothingly washing my hair. He did it so well. I closed my eyes and thought of nothing but his hands. Once my hair was all clean, he grabbed my loofah, scrubbing my body.

"Do I smell better?" I wanted to. For him.

"Yes, my lover." Pointedly, he inhaled deeply and then kissed my neck. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my cheek against his wet chest. I just wanted to feel close to him. There was no sexual rush, it was just...intimacy. He hardly spent a night away from me. There were times when it was unavoidable, but he was here every night since Amelia left. I had told him several times that I could be alone for a night or two, but he always ignored my insistence. Stubborn vampire. I rubbed my face into his cool chest, the water drummed around us. I sighed, with as much contentment as I could muster and Eric reached around and turned off the shower. He helped me out and wrapped a large fluffy towel around my body. I held it in place and he grabbed another towel and placed it on my head. He hadn't any for himself as he ushered me out of the bathroom, almost as if I might have forgotten the way to my bedroom.

When I turned around he had a towel wrapped around his waist, his magnificent body half on display. I felt so old and so broken in front of him. He must have felt my feelings of inadequacy because he paid full attention to me, drying my hair, rubbing the towel against my body, his hands moving all over me, trying to reassure me through feelings of assurance he pushed at me through our bond. His multitasking reminded me how good he was at it in the act of sex. I wondered if I was up for it tonight. Sex was far from his mind, his focus was on getting me dry. I felt a bit frustrated for many things: he didn't want me sexually, I didn't want him sexually and I was still miserable as a whole. I wanted it to all get better. Right here, right now. But this was something I felt often recently, whenever I was ready to have sex with Eric, it was determination: seeking comfort in a cold dead man, who was doing the best he could.

The towel fell away and he quickly went to my dresser for a fresh nightie. "Wait," I said. He turned to me and looked sad for a brief instant before he stood to his full height and the knowledge of what was going to happen next sunk in. "Make love to me."

He knew my look, it was familiar. And yet he always said, "Sookie, my lover, we don't have to."

"Eric, please, I want to." It was true, I did want to. But there was no indescribable need that made sex exciting. There was no hum in my lower regions, begging for it. There was no heat radiating off my body in waves of anticipation. There was just me: distant, disconnected, desperate, deformed Sookie Stackhouse.

I yanked the towel from my head and shivered as my drenched locks hit my back. He walked toward me, the towel hitting the ground along the way. His gracious plenty was at full display, but not erect. I reached forward and wrapped my hands around it. He froze and watched me carefully. Slowly, it was coming to life, twitching, in my grasp. I let go of it with one hand and played with his balls as I stroked him, my small hand barely wrapped around him fully. He closed his eyes and stared up at the ceiling for a moment before his eyes met mine. He loved to look at me when we had sex. I loved it too. I loved.

I let out a small whimper and he looked at me concerned. I tugged at him, and he gritted his teeth. His hands resting on my shoulders, he held them, as I played with his length. I began to back toward the bed and sat down. He stood in front of me, waiting for me to put my mouth on him. I did and he let out a groan of pure lust. I felt it through the bond. He needed me in the sexual way. I wanted to need him. I needed to need him. I tried. I could feel his confusion just as plainly. He didn't know what to do with me, because he couldn't tell what I wanted. Before the incident, Eric could read me sexually better than anyone. He knew what I wanted and needed before I did and he delivered it to me in the most ground-breaking way. But now, he wasn't sure how to proceed. I was hard to read. The telepath was a mystery. I gripped his fabulous bottom and I was pleased that I felt a jolt of passion when I had it in my hands. I looked up at Eric and he looked back, a spark in his eye I hadn't seen in a while. I pulled his length out of my mouth and smiled.

I began to crawl back on the bed, waiting for him to come to me. He crawled across, looming over my body, searching my feelings. I felt excitement. And the most beautiful thing happened, Eric smiled. My heart jutted in a way it hadn't in a long time. I laughed and he laughed too before kissing me, lovingly. He pressed his body to mine, and I relished in the weight. His hardness pressed into my thigh and I rubbed up against it. I hated to admit to myself that I wasn't completely into it, but I felt closer to being so than I had in a while. It felt better. He pulled away from my lips and stared into my eyes as he pushed inside me. I gasped, at his size, adjusting. It had been nearly a week since we had last made love, and the look Eric gave was evident. He shuddered and his eyes closed briefly before he began to move in and out of me. I wondered if he was going to bite me. I caressed his cheek and kissed his nose and he moved above me, perfectly. It was perfect. I could feel his tension, but none of my own. I wasn't upset like I normally was at the lacklustre event that had become sex. I had felt something tonight and that was progress. I felt tears fall down my face before I could realize I was crying. So much had happened. Eric and I just couldn't catch a break. I hoped one day we would.

His arm reached under my leg and pushed it closer to my body, this movement got my pelvis into a different angle and he reached me deeper. I gasped, it felt good. His eyes flashed, with passion, and pleasure. He was getting a reaction out of me. Emotionless Sookie, was crying from the sex. It didn't hurt, it just felt nice. It was a comfortable connection, and I relished in it. I could feel our bond buzzing from our close proximity and it felt right. I remembered what Eric had uttered when we had sex for the first time in a year, just before the fairy attack. He said that it felt right and I agreed. I shivered at the memory, and felt a sharp feeling of pleasure deep inside. Eric was above me, glowing, beautiful. I loved this man. I had told Amelia so, and I believed it truly. Why was it so hard to admit?

Because, I reminded myself, there was an end for me. Not for him. He would live on. I would turn to ash and be buried six feet under. Did I avoid Eric for so long because I knew what we could have together and the thought of losing that was too devastating? It wouldn't last. It couldn't last. I cried harder, a sob breaking from my lips.

"Sookie?" he paused.

"Keep going," I cried. "Please, I need it." I need it. He kissed my lips, tenderly, and continued. He began to whisper in my ear, a language so foreign to me, my head spun. It was different, it was a promise. I could only guess what he was saying. His voice was dedicated to calming me. His tone was soft. His presence was overwhelming, my tears falling more. How long would he and I be together before it ended? I wasn't as astonished as Eric when an orgasm hit me suddenly. Eric followed, roaring, biting into my neck. I gasped and came a second time, writhing beneath him, my eyes blinking, unfocused on Eric's blurry face. He only drank for a second before bringing his lips back to mine, bloody. He kissed every inch of my face, over and over, in a mantra along with a stream of foreign words. He finally relaxed and his weight was on me for only a momentarily before he rolled over. My body ached in a pleasant way. I wasn't sure if my injuries would bother me tomorrow, but for now, I was glad for the soreness.

"Take my blood," he said. I looked at his bleeding wrist and he waited for me to nod before placing it to my mouth. I only licked it twice before turning my head. The cut began to close before my eyes and Eric rested an arm just under my breasts. He kissed them, and licked them. I smiled slightly. "Are you hurt?"

"Eric," my voice was heavy. He licked my cheeks, ridding me of my tears. I didn't want to tell him that we had an expiration date. I wasn't sure he knew about it or not, but now was not the time. Someday. Selfishly, I wasn't ready to say goodbye to him yet. I wanted to hold onto him for as long as I could. But, I knew I could never allow him to see me get old. I cried fresh tears and he cleared them away for me.

"My lover, what can I do?" he turned my face to his, his fingers light under my chin.

I didn't think and said, "Love me." I would regret saying that tomorrow, I just knew it. Eric's expression didn't change. It was similar to the one that was present when I first entered the room tonight to find him on my bed. Hard, strong and withholding.

He hesitated, in such a human way that my heart beat clumsily. "All I think about is you, Sookie." I wasn't so sure what that meant in terms of him loving me. But I could tell, that his sincerity was driving him and I felt the love through the bond. It was familiar and I knew I had felt it so many times before, but I just couldn't admit to myself that that's what it meant. Maybe Eric didn't see it as love, being a vampire and all, maybe it wasn't. But I felt something similar to it and I saw something similar to it in his eyes.

I fell asleep faster than I had in a long time. It was restful and dreamless. And the love was present even when I woke up, but it still hadn't broken through my darkness. I had a long way to go, and I was ready and willing to finish what I started: life.

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