Does it matter whom I'm writing to…

Honestly..... I don't care anymore. I give up, on the world, my hopes and dreams, and myself.

I want the Earth swallow me whole so I can disappear into the nothingness.

Maybe then I can be happy... It started with a party.

Or should I say "ended" with a party because ever since that night, I have thought about nothing but the end of my existence and how I much I wanted toDIE.

I just want the pain to go away, the fight that raged inside of me made it harder for me to get air into my system.

However, I'm not the only one whose life was affected that day; many people were changed by the events that occurred during and after the party.

Every time I think back to the car ride with Jenny the night of the party, sheer agony ripples through my body and I scream once more.

It was all of our faults; we were to blame for the death that occurred. It could have all been prevented, the school would only have to grieve for one dead student instead of two…

It's always my fault; if for once I stood up for what was right, none of this would have ever happened, Jessica would be fine.

Again, I was to blame for what happened to her that night.

Wait….I wasn't the only one to blame; Justin helped me ruin her life as well.

Like sick people, we let it happen; we didn't even say a word…not one.

I remember a few days later after that night, I think it was the day of student's funeral… it was, I remember the teachers giving the class free time because majority of the school went to the boy's funeral.

What I remember the most from that day is what I thought about during the free time.

I thought about my own funeral, which brings us to why I'm righting in those old notebook I found, because more so than thinking about my funeral, I thought about my death.

I remember sitting in class imagining life without Hannah Baker and soon I began to plan the end of me…

I imagine how I could execute the perfect…suicide.

As much as I wish for death, its still pains me to say the word, let alone write it.

However, I soon began to wonder how to tell those who have affected my choice to end my life.

I couldn't just walk up to them, and writing a letter to each of them would be too cliché , plus there is no guarantee that those said people would even read them.

Then I got an idea….tapes.

There's this joke I heard a few days ago, "Why would a dead girl lie?"

The answer…"Because she can't stand up."

This brought to my attention the content of the tapes.

Hannah Baker isn't a dead girl…yet, but until then, the truth shall set me free…

I don't want to place the blame on people based on biased opinions, but on real events that all connects in the end.

These tapes will clear up everything and reveal some people's darkest secrets.

It will explain what was unknown before and potentially ruin those who have ruined me.

I have it all planned out, this is what I see: On my very last day I will go about like I usually do and I'll have one last day with the people in life, but they won't know it will be the last time they see me…breathing

- Hannah Baker