Author's notes: That bit about their heights is taken from the trivia section of Journey to the Rest website while the bit about the Maten Sutra guardian usually being a youkai Sanzo priest is from Saiyuki Ibun chapter 1.

Id, Ego, Superego

I think Genjo Sanzo needs to get laid.

Scratch that; I'm one hundred percent sure that this guy needs to get laid. And soon. I've gotten really good at being able to decipher Sanzo's mood swings. And let me tell you, this man goes through epic mood swings. Especially when it rains. He doesn't even bother to dry me properly when he gets all broody, ungrateful little—

Anyway.

How do I know that Sanzo needs to get laid? I'm one of the founding scriptures of Heaven and Earth, that's how I know. I'm the Maten Sutra that rides around his shoulders all day and sleeps under his pillow at night. I've been with him for more than ten years, been with him while he went through that stage called puberty. I'm the one he uses as a last resort when he finally realizes that that pathetic little gun is no match for my might (this is where I'd flex my biceps if I had them). And I'm the one that can sort of read his mind whenever he's wearing me. He doesn't know I can do that—heck, he doesn't know I'm sentient—and only a handful of my previous guardians know I can do it.

So like I said, I'm getting these vibes that Sanzo needs to get laid. He's getting bitchier as we speak and he just hit Goku with that paper fan of his. (Bah. If he wanted paper with power, he has me. But of course we all know he likes Goku too much to seriously hurt him. Physically. Sanzo's also emotionally stunted, have I told you that?) And now, Sanzo's lighting up a new cigarette! You see, in addition to a growing level of bitchiness, Sanzo's been smoking more cigs than usual. He's on his third pack, I think. Hakkai's glaring—well, as glare-y as Hakkai gets when he's not feeling particularly murderous—at him, too. I once remember him telling Sanzo and Gojyo to, "Please refrain from smoking inside Hakuryuu, seeing as both of you tend to forego the use of ashtrays and end up burning him. He really doesn't need the additional stress." Or something like that.

Being with Sanzo twenty-four-seven, I know that the last time he actually had sex with anyone was before this road trip started, and since then, it's just been him and his hand (and me, the unwilling voyeur). But I guess jacking off can only go so far; he hasn't been this edgy since … since I can't really remember. Edgy Sanzo usually means an abusive Sanzo who activates me when he's super-pissed off at either Goku or Gojyo or both. While I don't mind doing what I do—because I am good at what I do—I don't much appreciate the false starts and frivolous use of my awesome inherent power. Hakkai will clamp his hand over Sanzo's mouth.

I'd rather not go through all that again. And since I've got a soft spot for the kid, I've decided to help him out. Did I mention I can act on my own? I can't purify evil on an epic scale without someone chanting, but I can do pretty awesome things by myself, if I may say so. I'm still not quite sure how I'm going to go about with the helping, but I'm keeping my (figurative) eyes open for an opportunity.

By the time we pull into the next town, Sanzo's run out of cigarettes, and he's hit Goku again and Gojyo a couple of times, too. Hakkai's got that pinched look around his eyes even though he's smiling. From experience, I know that look means that he's thinking about doing something subtle and nasty in revenge for the crappy day the others put him through. I'm glad that I've never been the recipient of one of Hakkai's revenge attacks; I don't think I would be able to handle it, founding scripture or not.

Kougaiji peers around the corner, trying not to feel like some sort of common thief skulking around the castle with a hidden agenda. He doesn't see Yaone or Dokugakuji or Lirin, and he sighs in relief. Moving quickly, he walks down the hallway towards the warehouse where the flying dragons are kept.

He's not really planning on looking for any sutras or for the Sanzo party; he just needs to escape from stresses of everyday life—and the stresses of having Gyokumen Koushou as a stepmother—for a bit. Kougaiji can't remember the last time he had any time for himself, and talking to his mom can only do so much.

Kougaiji grabs the reins of the nearest flying dragon and leads it outside, looking around to see if there are any castle guards prowling about. When he's confident that he's alone, he mounts the dragon and flies off. He smiles at the feel of the wind whipping through his hair (it'll be a bitch to comb out later, but he doesn't really care at the moment) and tightens his grip on the dragon's reins.

He doesn't really guide the beast; it can find its way back to Houtou Castle no matter where they end up, so Kougaiji relaxes and simply enjoys the sensation of flying, watching the changing landscape below them.

Well, this is frustrating.

They've checked into an inn and everything—and they have to share one room. Again. And I still haven't found an opportunity to show Sanzo the wonderful generous side I have. I mean, I don't have to help him; I just want to. I don't have to spend my precious time trying to think of ways to get him laid, but I am. The really annoying part of this entire thing is that even if I eventually find a way to help, the kid won't even know that I did. (This is where you imagine me sighing in a long-suffering way. I'm such a martyr, I know.)

Sanzo spends ten minutes inside the room before he stomps out, saying that he's going to buy some smokes. Ha. He's actually leaving the room before he ends up doing permanent harm to the monkey and the kappa. He's such a big softie, isn't he? So we go out, he buys some Marlboros, snaps at people who ask for blessings—the usual. He's still horny, which means he's still pissy, and I think it's time that we escape from the company of other people before Sanzo actually shoots someone.

Sanzo comes to the same decision by himself—I knew my smarts would rub off on him one day—and he goes off on a path that leads towards the forest. It's getting a bit dark, and he stumbles a few times. I start complaining (not that he can hear me) that I won't be able to help him get laid if he's in the middle of the damn forest. Last time I checked, Sanzo wasn't into bestiality.

He eventually stops walking, sits down on a rock, and lights up. We're in front of a cave, which I'm itching to explore. I send the thought his way, and I feel his curiosity pique for just a moment before he brushes the thought away, muttering about how Goku's monkey self is beginning to rub off on him; who would want to explore a damn cave anyway?

Me. I'd like to explore that damn cave.

Before I can continue complaining (to myself) about completely ungrateful little shits who won't even indulge one of my few wants, something interesting catches my attention.

I can feel a powerful magical signature somewhere close.

It's very distinct, and only after a few more seconds of trying to remember where I've come across it before, I identify it as Kougaiji. I rub my figurative hands together in glee. Looks like I found my opportunity after all.

Now before you start protesting that Sanzo would rather shoot Kougaiji on sight rather than screw him all the way to India, let me tell you that that's where you'd be wrong. While Sanzo might not want to screw Kougaiji all the way to India, I know for a fact that he wouldn't mind screwing Kougaiji halfway to India. Or maybe two-thirds of the way. The point is, Sanzo wouldn't mind screwing Kougaiji. Because, let's face it, Kougaiji is one fine piece of ass. You'd have to be blind not to notice, especially since he walks around displaying himself in that open leather jacket of his.

So, now that I have my opportunity, it's time to get around to the actual helping. I wait until Sanzo finishes his first cigarette, and then I strike. Like a cobra. Have I mentioned I'm awesomely fast when I want to be? We're pretty near the cave's opening, so I snake out one end and wrap it around this really convenient stalactite I come across. I wrap my other end around Sanzo's waist and start hauling him into the cave. It all happens really quickly (because like I said, I am a fucking cobra when I want to be), and by the time Sanzo's opened his mouth to start yelling, it's full of sutra (ew, spit) and I've gotten rid of his robes. I lengthen myself a bit more and pretty soon, I've got Sanzo at my mercy, neatly tied up, gagged, and more or less pinned against the cave wall.

I sense him panicking and think about patting him on the head or something, but I don't think he'd appreciate the gesture. I do it anyway—after all, it's my fault he's about to hyperventilate to death—and I'm shocked when I pick up the thought I'm being molested by my sutra ohmyGOD from him.

For the first time in a long time, Sanzo doesn't know what to do. He usually has a some semblance of a plan no matter what happens, but being tied up by his own sutra in the middle of nowhere isn't exactly something that happens everyday.

He tries to calm down and fails spectacularly; his heart's threatening to burst out of his chest at any moment now, and his breath's escaping him in erratic bursts. Koumyou Sanzo never told him about any sort of worst-case scenario where his sutra would turn on him for no apparent reason. He feels kind of betrayed that his master had not foreseen this somehow.

He just wants some peace and quiet. To enjoy his smokes in sullen silence in the middle of the woods. Is that too much to ask? Doesn't he deserve some peace and quiet? Does Kanzeon Bosatsu have some sort of personal vendetta against him?

Suddenly, a strip of sutra rises up in front of his eyes. Sanzo wonders if it's going to wrap around his neck and choke him to death, but then it pats him on the head instead.

Excuse me. I do not go around molesting humans, thank you very much. I'm offended, and I'm considering bonking his head against the wall to show him what I think of his thought when I sense that Kougaiji's moving away from where we are. Not good.

I save the head-bonking for another time in lieu of trying to get Sanzo's prince-charming-to-be where he's most needed right now: here, in the cave, preferably squished up against Sanzo. With that, I start sending out magic vibes of my own, willing Kougaiji to feel them. Being a youkai pretty high up in the magical order of things, I'm hoping that he'll at least get some sort of gut feeling that will lead him to where I've got Sanzo all tied up neatly for him.

Sanzo can feel me sending out my come-hither-Kougaiji waves—he doesn't know that they're come-hither vibes, but he can certainly feel the spiritual energy output—and he's momentarily confused; he stops struggling for a bit, which lets me put more effort into luring a certain youkai prince into my trap and less effort into keeping a certain bitchy monk in place. Not that struggling would do Sanzo any good, by the way. For a piece of parchment that's been around for forever, I'm pretty strong.

AHA! I can feel Kougaiji approaching, and I do more figurative gleeful hand rubbing. Just a few more minutes, and he'll be right within my grasp. I've got Sanzo pinned to the wall a few feet into the cave and a bit around a bend, so Kougaiji won't see us unless he walks right into the cave.

Which he does, hehehe. My evil plan to help Sanzo get laid is going awesomely. Just a few more steps, and—gotcha! I release my hold on one of the stalactites I'm using for support and happily wrap it around Kougaiji's waist. He squeaks in this really undignified way as I start reeling him in. It's really funny, considering how he's supposed to be the youkai prince. (Wasn't he taught decorum or poise or something as a kid?) Kougaiji yelps when he bumps into Sanzo's chest, and I'm kinda disappointed that he doesn't squeak again; that would've been funnier.

Once Kougaiji's pressed up against Sanzo—hey! They're the same height! How awesome it that?—I loop around their torsos a few more times, holding them in place, and remove Sanzo's makeshift gag. Kougaiji tries to use his fire magic on me, but I nullify it easily enough. I can purify his ass if I wanted to. But I don't. Because who'd I use to get Sanzo laid if I did? It takes Kougaiji four more attempts at burning me off before he realizes that I'm just too awesome. Then he realizes who he's squished up against.

It's really funny how they both kind of choke on their spit when they realize who's in front of them. It gets even funnier when I read Kougaiji's thoughts and find out that he's got a not-so-teensy crush on Sanzo.

It takes a few seconds, but Sanzo recovers first and immediately starts blaming Kougaiji for getting them into their current situation. Kougaiji, of course, isn't having any of that and says that it's not his sutra that's tied them up in some random cave in the middle of nowhere. Sanzo snarks back and says that it's pretty suspicious how Kougaiji just happens to be in the middle of nowhere when Sanzo's in it, and just when his sutra starts acting up.

While they're bickering, I just listen. It's not like I have anything else to do, anyway. Eventually, I get bored. A fighting couple is not a couple that has sex. Unless you count make-up sex, which is probably not going to happen in this case; usually, the only time Sanzo and Kougaiji are together is when they're fighting and Kougaiji's trying to steal me. Though I suppose that angry sex can also translate to hot sex of the scratching-and-biting variety.

Well. The fact is that they're fighting and not fucking, and that's not how things are supposed to be going right now. They're supposed to be having sex. With that in mind, I tighten around them, to the point that they're gasping for breath, before loosening again. I do that every time they start arguing until they finally get it into their heads to stop fighting. Heh. Kind of like training a dog.

Sanzo's the first one to propose working together to try and escape my clutches (as if they could). Of course, he says it in a way that makes it seem more like, "You, there! Slave! Find a way to get us out of this mess at once!" instead of, "Why don't we set aside our differences and work together towards a mutual goal? I'm sure we can do it if we put our minds to it!" Despite the bitchy tone, Kougaiji readily agrees, and they start brainstorming.

Hm. At least they're not fighting anymore. But they're also not really doing anything remotely sexy. Brainstorming about how to escape my not-evil-but-admittedly-devious clutches isn't really conducive to sexy times, and I try to think of a way to get things rolling. I don't rush since I know there's really no way they can escape, and after ten minutes, I finally come up with something.

I poke around Sanzo's mind, looking for his not-so-innocent thoughts about Kougaiji and discover that Sanzo's actually in the process of repressing them. What's this, what's this? Resistance is futile! With that, I deliver a metaphorical kick to the part of Sanzo's mind that's currently screaming at him to not think about licking Kougaiji's exposed chest, effectively knocking it out and shutting it up.

Successfully ruining any chance Sanzo has of keeping his Kougaiji-related thoughts in check, I try to see if there's any similar repression going on in Kougaiji's mind. Aaah, it's good to be back in a youkai's head. I mean, Koumyou and Genjo are both really okay guys and they're awesome Sanzo priests, but I'm used to having a youkai guardian, and I can't really deny that I missed the familiarity that comes with poking around Kougaiji's thoughts.

I quickly silence Kougaiji's protesting common-sense head-voice pretty much the same way that I got rid of Sanzo's. Now that the opposition is gone, I go about setting the stage for the second part of my brilliant plan to get them to stop brainstorming. Actually, it's more like part two, chapter two of my 'get Sanzo laid' plan. Part one's getting them in the same cave and part two's setting the atmosphere for sexy time and part two, chapter one was getting rid of the common-sense voices.

So. I've got Sanzo and Kougaiji tied up together. The next step is to get rid of their clothes. It's a little tricky, but I manage to strip them with relative ease. Just as I'm about to get rid of Sanzo's top, I pick up this sort of anguished wail from Kougaiji's mind that sounds a lot like, "Nooooooooo!" amidst the panic caused by suddenly being naked. Ohoho, looks like someone has a little leather kink.

I don't see anything wrong with conceding to Kougaiji's little fetish; after all, I'm more or less traumatizing him for the rest of his life just so I can get my guardian some relief from his major case of blue balls. I leave Sanzo's top on and get to work rearranging the two of them. When I'm done, one of Sanzo's legs is between Kougaiji's, and their arms are more or less free to do what they want.

Sanzo can feel the press of Kougaiji's slowly-hardening cock against his own awakening dick and it's all he can do to keep from blushing. He tries to think of something else and ends up thinking about the hard muscles of Kougaiji's legs and abdomen. It feels like Kougaiji's made of muscle.

Sanzo bites back a groan; the sutra is rocking them together, creating friction, the feel of skin against skin turning him on much more than it should. Desperately, Sanzo tries again to remember if there's some spell or chant or command that'll set them free. He can't shoot himself free; his gun's in his robes, which are on the floor and out of his reach (and he wouldn't dream of trying to destroy his sutra anyway), and he highly doubts he can rip the sutra apart.

He can think of only one possible way he and Kougaiji can escape the situation—which is steadily growing more and more embarrassing by the minute—and he forces himself to say, "Can't you burn the damn thing?" Sanzo can't quite meet Kougaiji's eyes (even though they're just a few inches away) when he asks.

"Don't you think I've been trying?" Kougaiji snaps in reply. From the sound of his voice, he's probably turning red, too. Sanzo resists the urge to see if Kougaiji's blush clashes with the youkai's hair. He tries not to notice how hot Kougaiji feels. His body temperature's much higher than a human's.

Suddenly, there's a sickening lurch, and the world starts spinning. When it stops, they're suspended horizontally, gravity settling Kougaiji's hips even more firmly against his. Sanzo's a bit dizzy from the shift in position and he closes his eyes, trying to reorient himself. The sutra's still rocking them together, and that's definitely not helping in any way.

"I give up," is the only warning he gets before he feels Kougaiji's mouth against his.

It's his first time kissing a human, and he's surprised at how different they taste.

At first Sanzo's not doing anything and Kougaiji wonders if that's because he pretty much broke Sanzo's brain when he kissed him, but then hands snake into his hair and hold him in place, and Sanzo's tongue is in his mouth. They kiss—teeth nipping at lips and tongue, hands wandering—until Sanzo pulls back for air, eyes over-bright and mouth open.

"Fuck me," Sanzo growls, and Kougaiji's all for that. Definitely. He wonders if there's anything remotely resembling lube in the cave and how he's supposed to prep Sanzo even if there were; human skin is just way too delicate for him to attempt anything.

As if in answer to his dilemma, one end of the sutra snakes into Sanzo's robes and comes out holding a small bottle, which it drops into Sanzo's outstretched hand. Kougaiji looks at it curiously, then blinks in comprehension when Sanzo opens it. Gun oil. Okay.

Sanzo tips a generous amount into Kougaiji's hand before he lubes up his own fingers. Kougaiji's blood is pounding in his ears as he reaches between them, fisting his aching cock and slicking it with the oil. His knuckles bump against the back of Sanzo's arm as Sanzo preps himself.

Kougaiji kind of wishes that they weren't tied up so tight; he wants to see.

Then he's sliding into tight heat, and he has to bite his lip to keep from coming too soon. He grips Sanzo's biceps so tightly that it's a wonder he isn't breaking Sanzo's arms. Kougaiji tries not to move at first, but it's so hard, especially when the smell of leather and sweat and sex reaches his nose. It becomes especially harder when he registers the feel of Sanzo's top as the material catches against the hardened nubs of his nipples.

"Move, dammit!" Sanzo growls. That's all Kougaiji needs before he starts fucking Sanzo in earnest.

Kougaiji inside him is hot and hard and perfect, hitting all the right spots on almost every stroke and wringing an almost-steady stream of bitten-off groans from him. Sanzo holds onto Kougaiji's shoulders, nails digging into the skin.

They're suspended in midair and Sanzo growls in frustration; there's no leverage for him to move against Kougaiji as much as he wants to. Then even more loops of the Maten Sutra wrap around their legs, providing support—providing leverage—and Sanzo moves, thrusting up with every downward motion of Kougaiji's hips. He arches his back, grinding his dick against the muscles of Kougaiji's stomach.

That damn stomach that Kougaiji kept flaunting with that stupid leather ja—

All thoughts of stupid leather jackets fly out of Sanzo's head when Kougaiji bites his neck, fangs almost breaking the skin. And then Sanzo's coming, a wordless shout escaping him as he does. A few more erratic thrusts and he feels wet heat inside him, Kougaiji going still and biting down on the juncture of neck and shoulder.

I ignore how dirty I feel both physically (I'm covered in nasty unmentionable stuff, eurgh) and emotionally (I feel like a dirty old man), and I release Sanzo and Kougaiji and shorten until I'm my regular length and lying innocently on the cave floor.

They get dressed in this really oppressive and awkward silence, and I suppose that I should feel kinda bad for putting them in such an embarrassing situation in the first place, but I'm not. I got Sanzo laid, and that was what he needed so I'm actually feeling pretty smug right now.

Heh. Kougaiji doesn't make any sort of attempt to steal me. I'll file that away for future reference. But maybe he doesn't want to touch me because I'm currently covered with various body fluids and makeshift lube. Still. If he really wanted me (and who wouldn't want me? Seriously) he'd have grabbed me, sticky sutra or not.

When they're done, Sanzo picks me up like he'd rather throw me into a fire and walks out of the cave, followed by Kougaiji. Now that I'm in contact with his skin again, I can tell that he wants to say something to Kougaiji, but he's not sure what.

"This doesn't mean anything," Sanzo says shortly. Well, at least he didn't say, "I think it's best if we try to forget that this ever happened." I roll my figurative eyes in exasperation. Emotionally. Stunted.

"Of course," Kougaiji answers. What a polite little youkai prince.

As they start going off in different directions, Sanzo going back to the village and Kougaiji going off to who knows where, I can't help but look forward to the next time we'll meet. Something tells me it's going to be interesting.