Okay, so I had a weird idea. I then realized that this weird idea, at least in my mind, would make a great entry in Wepdiggy's Adorable Psycho saga. So I asked if I could create a story in his Adorable Psycho universe and Wep said okay. So Wep, thank you. Hope this does justice to your high standard.
While rated "T" for teen, this story does include sexual dialogue, bad language, and inappropriate use of ordinary household items. You know, the stuff you expect in a Liam story.
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Buy More – Nerd Herd Desk
Sometime After Lunch
On a Thursday Afternoon
She was just an average girl. Seemingly nothing remarkable about her whatsoever. How was he to reasonably know she'd be nothing but trouble? It's not like They come with warning labels or anything. His current girlfriend was proof of that.
The aforementioned They, of course, referred to Adorable Psychos. Or to use the scientific moniker, Adorabulus batshitcrazius.
Okay, so perhaps Chuck needed to amend his prior statement. When he said nothing remarkable, that wasn't strictly true. She was a babe. Early twenties. Long reddish brown hair. Toned physique. And legs that seemed to go on forever. Legs that were accentuated by platform boots and an incredibly short plaid schoolgirl-esque skirt. And it really didn't help that she wore a white, frilly blouse, black tie, and dark blue blazer completing the ensemble.
Average, hell. Chuck instantly knew this girl could be trouble. Whatever her problem was, he needed to get rid of her quickly. Because She was always watching.
The girl practically skipped to the Nerd Herd desk and offered a wide smile. She leaned across the counter, arms folded beneath her breasts, to read his nametag. "Hullo, Chuck," she said in a Scottish accent. "I got a problem."
"Of course," Chuck said. "We at the Nerd Herd are always ready to help, Miss…"
"Billie. Billie Maclay."
Billie extended her hand, which Chuck took, despite a familiar feminine voice in his head screaming, "Don't fucking touch her!" Billie gave his hand one good, emphatic shake. She then slapped her iPhone to the counter.
"Phone's a bit wonky," she said. "Need a fix."
"Ah. Let me guess. You installed that new music application, didn't you?"
Billie cocked her head curiously, a little smile at her lips. "Yeah, how'd you know?"
"When it rains, it pours," Chuck said. "There's a new music app that's got a programming bug. We've had two-dozen iPhone users come in the last couple days. It should only take a few minutes to install the patch."
Only a few minutes. If he hurried, he might get Billie out of the store before She arrived. He loved Her, he really did. But She had a sixth sense which always seems to alert Her to the fact an attractive brunette was hanging around him. And She really took the age-old creed of "Shoot first, ask questions later" to a whole new level. She wasn't even asking questions anymore.
Chuck thought he might actually pull it off. But just as he finished installing the patch, he felt Her presence enter the store. His blood chilled. Not because he was scared of Her, or he because didn't love Her madly. He did. But he feared for Billie's life. Or at least her kneecaps.
Sarah completely ignored company policy by sliding behind the Nerd Herd counter. Big Mike and Emmett had long learned not to question her on this fact. Then, much as a lioness might mark her territory, she grabbed Chuck by the tie and pulled him down to lip level, laying the smack upon him. Chuck sighed, melting under her touch. When the kiss broke, it took a few moments for him to realize her eyes immediately went to the leggy brunette.
"Hi!" she said perkily. "I'm Sarah, his girl." She emphasized this by nodding in Chuck's direction. "Just came by for my mid-afternoon smooch. You understand, right?"
Billie blatantly sized Chuck up, liking what she saw. "I do."
Chuck grabbed Sarah's wrist before she could retrieve a throwing knife. "Don't," he whispered frantically in her ear. "She's just here for a fix."
"You're telling me," Sarah whispered back. "Bitch is practically licking her lips. I wonder if I can convince her to check out Orange Orange's freezer…"
"You've reached your quota for the week!" he reminded. On Sunday, Chuck had taken Sarah to a matinee showing of "Sherlock Holmes". At the time, it had seemed like a tragedy those three teenage girls had forgotten to turn off their cell phones when they entered the theater…
Sarah pouted. "Can't I have an exemption? What if I promise not to go over two kills next week? It averages out."
"No!"
Sarah continued to pout. She looped her arm around Chuck's waist and glared daggers at the other woman. "Fine."
"And don't you dare put her in a coma just so you can pull the plug on Sunday. I was very upset the last time you did that."
Sarah made various facial expressions and sounds to convey her indignation. Not because she was innocent. On the contrary, he'd sniffed out her plan. Why couldn't he allow her that loophole?
"Fine. But only because I love you and you sex me up good."
She looked to Billie. The other woman was smiling a predatory smile. She might be one to watch out for.
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Adorable Psycho Versus Adorable Psycho
Starring
Zachary Levi
Yvonne Stahovski
Adam Baldwin
Bonita Friedericy
and
Karen Gillan
as
Billie Maclay
Based upon "Adorable Psycho", created by Wepdiggy
Written by Liam
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Orange Orange Parking Lot
Around Lunchtime
Friday Afternoon
It was the best part of the workday. Lunchtime. When Sarah could close up shop and go over to Buy More and have a meal with her sweetie. She exited the shop, locked up, and walked across the parking lot with her lunchbox and humming her version of Taylor Swift.
"You be-long to me-hee! Baby can't you se-hee! You be-long to meeee! Dum-de-dum-meee-heee!"
Sarah dropped her lunchbox and screamed in horror. She fell to her knees, the sight of her beloved Porsche nearly bringing her to tears.
The tires were slashed. There were thick, deep scratches along the body. The left side mirror was hanging by a thread. And across the windshield, written in bright red paint was the word "WHORE".
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The scream even echoed inside Buy More. Everyone stopped, chilled to the bone by the terrifying sound. "Oh God," Chuck said. "Someone messed with Sarah's Porsche."
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Castle
Thirty Minutes Later
"I only have two rules in life," Sarah seethed. She ticked them off on her fingers, "You don't fuck with my man and you don't fuck with my ride. Both are punishable by death."
"What isn't punishable by death with you?" Casey retorted.
"Certainly not flippant remarks," Sarah warned.
Casey rolled his eyes, unafraid. "Ever since you started inserting Bartowski's Tab A into your Slot B…"
"And C and D," she cheekily informed.
Casey literally shuddered at that revelation. "If you were a dog, I'd have you spayed."
"If I was a dog, I'd piss on your leg. Now bring up the security feed."
At the computer station, Casey typed away, accessing Castle's security network. Finding the feed from Orange Orange's parking lot, he located the point when Sarah arrived at work and then began to fast forward.
Shortly after eleven am, a 2010 cherry red Ford Mustang pulled into the lot. A woman climbed out, a duffel bag slung over her shoulder.
"Damn," Casey grunted. "Those legs go all the way up, don't they?"
While Casey was focused on bare legs and a butt clad in skintight blue jean shorts, Sarah focused on the girl's face.
"Hey! It's the Highlander bitch!" she said.
"Who?"
"Some two-bit Scottish skank who came into the Buy More yesterday to get her phone repaired."
Casey took a moment to actually study the girl. "Oh yeah. I knew I recognized those legs."
Sarah snarled. And her anger only continued to grow as she watched the woman wreck her beloved Porsche. "Capture her image and run it through Interpol's facial recognition software. I wanna know who this bitch is."
"I could do that," Casey said, nodding solemnly. His fingers were flying over the keyboard. "Or I could just run the license number on that Mustang through the California DMV."
Sarah blinked. "Oh. That works."
"If I find this information," Casey began, "are you gonna track her down and kill her?"
After a brief hesitation, "No."
Casey looked back, smirking. "Already hit your quota for the week, eh?" The low growl Sarah emitted was answer enough. Casey turned back to the console. "If I give you this information, you're not gonna knock her into a coma and then pull the plug when the week's up, are you?"
After another brief hesitation, "No."
"Uh huh."
"I'm not," Sarah insisted. "Because Chuck sexes me up. I don't want to anger him and lose my best avenue of achieving orgasms."
Casey sighed and rubbed his brow. "Okay, last warning. You mention sex and the geek in the same sentence one more time…"
"Just gimme the Scottish slut's info, Casey."
Casey hit the 'Enter' key and brought up the info. "Billie Noel Maclay. Age 22. Born in Glasgow. In America on a student visa, a graduate student at USC. Hold on. She's got a police record."
"Fashion police or real police? Because watching the video I could believe either."
"Huh," Casey mused. "This girl is right up your alley. She has seven restraining orders placed on her by seven different individuals. Three are former boyfriends, one's a former girlfriend. Apparently she has a history of disagreeing the fact of when a relationship is over. The others were just people she became fixated on. Add to that a laundry list of stalking, intimidation, and minor assault charges. She's even had a couple mandatory stays in psych facilities for attachment disorders."
"How is she still in the country?"
"Her dad is Ronald Maclay, MP. It's a diplomatic thing."
"Well, her daddy may save her from deportation, but he can't save her from an ass whooping." Sarah drew her pistol and checked the clip, then slammed it back home. "Got an address on her?"
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Billie's Dormitory
USC Campus
An Hour Later
"It wasn't necessary for you to come with me," Sarah said.
"Right," Casey drawled. "I let you come alone and you won't kill her? You go psycho on this girl and I gotta hear Bartowski moan about it."
They approached Door 33. Very deftly, Sarah picked the lock. She pushed the door open and entered, Casey a step behind.
It was a standard loft assigned to USC graduate students. Nothing particularly fancy, nor especially large. The main area consisted of a living room and small kitchen. The area was clean, neat, and unremarkable.
"Hey Macleod!" Sarah bellowed. "There can be only one, bitch!"
Casey shook his head. "That boy's rubbing off on you."
Sarah smiled. "I like it when Chuck rubs off on me. Of course, I like rubbing off on him, too."
"Ugh. You had to make it sound dirty, didn't you?"
"And by rubbing off on him I mean giving him a handjob."
Casey drew his weapon and pointed at Sarah, disgusted. "Stop it. Just stop it."
Sarah chuckled evilly as she continued to scan the main room. She flopped down on the couch and picked up a book from the coffee table. An album of Robert Frank photographs.
Casey holstered his weapon with a growl. With a sharp boot, he kicked open the bedroom door. He stopped suddenly. "Wow, Walker. You may have found your spiritual sister."
Curious, Sarah walked across the room and joined Casey. She stopped upon seeing Billie's bedroom, an awed expression upon her face.
"My sister knows better than to fuck with my man," she said.
It was a Chuck shrine. Photographs plastered all over the walls. Notebooks and sketch pads filled with pencil drawings and poems dedicated to him. There was even a little altar, adorned with candles, the centerpiece a photograph of Chuck taken through a telephoto lens.
"This girl's nearly as screwed up as you, Walker."
Sarah scoffed. "She's an amateur. She doesn't even have a lock of his hair." She retrieved a small plastic baggy from her jeans pocket. Inside was a lock of curly brown hair.
Casey stared, horrified. "You keep a lock of his hair in your pocket?"
Sarah shrugged. "He's my man. I like to keep him close."
Casey mumbled something akin to "Sick bitch". He continued to examine the myriad of photographs. "You detecting a theme here?"
Indeed Sarah was. While most of the photographs were simply of Chuck, some also included Sarah's image. In every instance, her face was either blacked out with a sharpie or a photograph of Billie's face was pasted over top.
"Huh," was all Sarah said.
"You don't find this creepy?"
"Not really," Sarah admitted. "I found a stack of old photos Chuck had of he and Jill. I did the same thing to those."
Casey stared, greatly unsettled. "Ever since you started boinking the geek, you've gotten really creepy." He returned to the photos. "She's been watching him for weeks. This Billie girl could be a legitimate security threat. There's no telling what activities she's witnessed during that time."
Sarah's eyes brightened. "Oh! She could be a threat to Chuck?!"
"Well don't sound so happy about it."
"No, no! This is great! There's an exemption clause in our contract! I can eliminate any legitimate threats to his safety without incurring any conjugal penalties!" In a burst of excitement, Sarah grabbed onto Casey's hand and led him about the room in a quick, bouncy dance. Just as quickly, the dance was over, and Sarah literally skipped from the room, giggling, saying in a sing-song voice, "I get to kill her! I get to kill her! Won't lose any sex! Won't lose any sex!"
Casey sighed and followed after her. "She's gotten really creepy."
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Buy More
An Hour Later
Sarah was still skipping and humming when she entered the store to visit her man. True to form, she found him behind the Nerd Herd desk. But curiously, he was holding a vase of red roses, sniffing the delicate bouquet.
"Hey babe!" Sarah said. "What's with the flowers?"
"Like you don't know," Chuck grinned. Upon seeing Sarah's confused look, he said, "You don't know."
He handed Sarah the accompanying card. It read: "To the man I love. From the girl of your dreams."
"I didn't send you these," Sarah said. "Why would I?"
"Oh." The disappointment in Chuck's voice was unmistakable. "I send you flowers. I thought maybe you were returning the favor."
"Flowers are something you send when you need to lubricate your way into someone's pants. I can have yours off any time I want."
Chuck frowned. His attitude turned decidedly chilly. "Fine." He turned away.
"Where are you going?"
"I have computers to fix in the cage." He turned a frosty look on her. "Authorized personnel only."
It took about four more seconds to realize she had inadvertently blew sand up Chuck's vagina. Again. "Oh, goddammit."
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Castle
Evening
"This woman has been surveilling Chuck for weeks?" Beckman incredulously asked. "Is she an enemy operative?"
"Doesn't seem that way, General," Casey said. "She's just got a hard on for him."
The General's brow wrinkled. "Excuse me?" she said.
"Yeah, I know. I don't get it either. But apparently there's some flaw in the genetic code of brunette chicks that makes Chuck seem like Romeo himself."
"Can I kill her, General?" Sarah blurted. She clutched her pistol close to her chest and bounced like an excited puppy.
Beckman blinked. "I would suggest you attempt to take her into custody first. So we may interrogate her regarding her motives."
"But can I kill her when she resists arrest?" Sarah asked, then quickly amended with, "I mean, can I kill her if she resists arrest?" That was a good save, Sarah thought.
Beckman stared at the blonde agent. "Casey, be sure you're present when Miss Maclay is taken into custody."
"Yes ma'am."
Just before Beckman disconnected she could be heard to say, "Jeez, she's gone nuts since she started fucking…"
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Chuck was sitting on the loading dock, eating a package of peanut butter crackers and drinking a Mountain Dew on his break when she appeared.
"Chuck?" a soft Scottish voice called.
Chuck startled slightly, but smiled at the sight of the lovely girl. But then he realized that was a sure way to get her killed and wiped the smile off his face. "Uh, Billie, right?"
She beamed. "You remember my name!" She sauntered up a loading ramp and delicately sat beside him.
Chuck shuffled nervously at her nearness. "What are you doing here?"
"Silly boy," she cooed. "I wanted to see if you got my flowers."
His eyes widened and he nearly spewed soda. "YOU sent those?"
"Of course." She shyly looked away. "I wanted to thank you for fixing my phone."
"No thanks are necessary. Only payment. And your debit card cleared."
Billie laughed joyously. "Chuck, you are SO funny." She placed her hand on his thigh, causing Chuck to nearly jump out of his skin.
"Hand! Hand on my knee!" With thumb and forefinger, to minimize contact, he grabbed her wrist and lifted her hand away. Billie was undeterred.
"I like you Chuck," she declared. Very shyly she said, "I was wondering…maybe you'd like to go out sometime?"
Chuck leapt to his feet, panic in his eyes. Oh God, please please please please don't let Sarah hear that…
"Oh, wow, that's nice," he rambled. "But, uh, wow, I can't. I mean, I'm flattered, really I am, because you're, wow. But I have a girlfriend and she gets a little…crazy…when I'm around other girls. So I'd suggest you see if your passport is up to date. I don't THINK she'll follow you to Scotland."
Billie nodded in understanding. "But if you didn't have a girlfriend, do you think, maybe…?"
Just because he was a nice guy and couldn't bear to wound a girl's feelings, he said, "Yeah, I would."
As Chuck quickly retreated, disappearing back inside the store, he didn't notice the smile that appeared at Billie's lips.
"That's all I needed to know."
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Parking Garage
Sarah's Hotel
An Hour Later
Sarah stepped from her rental car – a 2010 cobalt blue Chevy Camaro – and made her way to the elevator, talking to Casey on her cell phone along the way.
"Surveillance is in place right? Good. Let me know the second the bitch arrives at her dorm. I'm gonna break off a piece of Scottish ass…"
BOOM!
The burst of a shotgun startled Sarah. She dropped her iPhone and the device shattered against the asphalt. The buckshot went wide, shattering the rear window of the Camaro. Sarah bolted behind a concrete column, a second blast from the shotgun impacting the other side.
She drew her weapon and hazarded a quick glance around the column. Coming towards her, armed with a pump-action shotgun, was Billie fucking Maclay.
"Bitch!" Sarah yelled. "Stop fucking up my goddamn cars!"
Another burst slammed into the column.
"Then hold still so I can shoot you!" Billie shouted back.
A fourth blast impacted the column.
"You don't deserve him! He deserves better than some minimum wage earning, funny-toothed, bleach blonde harlot!"
"Who you calling a bleach blonde?"
A fifth blast hit.
"I looked into his soul!" Billie shouted. "And our souls are alike! We belong together! And I won't let some bimbo separate me from my soul mate."
Sarah grunted in acknowledgment. Yeah, so the bitch was trying to move in on what was hers, but she could understand the sentiment.
"And when I shoot you in face, Chuck's gonna see how ugly you actually are!"
A sixth blast was fired from practically point blank range. Sarah coolly stepped from behind her cover and flashed a bored expression.
"You know, I might actually be frightened if you weren't out of ammo."
Billie pumped the weapon, aimed, and fired. Only an empty click sounded. "Well, mother—!"
Sarah reared back and delivered a left hook across Billie's jaw. The woman collapsed in a heap.
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When she awoke thirty minutes later, Billie found herself bound and gagged, tied to a chair in Sarah's hotel room. When Sarah noticed her foe had regained consciousness, she gripped the corner of the masking tape covering Billie's mouth and yanked. The girl screamed.
"Don't need to worry about waxing your lip for a while, huh?" Sarah taunted.
"Bitch!" Billie spat. "I'll kill you!"
"Nah," Sarah said. "You won't. But I like your spirit." Sarah poured herself a glass of Scotch and sat down across from her bound companion. "Well, Billie Jean. I hate to break it to you, but you're not his girl."
"I looked into his eyes! He loves me! He just doesn't know how to express it!"
Sarah took a long sip. "Well, he does have problems with articulation at times. But this time I think you misread."
"But--!"
"Oh, hush," Sarah admonished. Shockingly enough, Billie did. Sarah sighed, took another pull from her drink, and considered the situation. "You know, a dozen girls like you have come along, trying to steal Chuck from me. In the beginning, I let them, because I was so damn unsure. But then a point came when I realized he was the most wonderful man in the world and I only had myself to blame if I didn't fight for him. And since then I have. There are a dozen broken bodies of brunette bimbos laying in the bottom of the nearest ravine that can attest to that."
"You--!"
"Hey," Sarah admonished. "Still talking here." Billie fell silent again as Sarah took another drink. "Now usually you'd be dead by now. Hell, you're a legit security threat to Chuck, so I'm wholly justified in killing you, both by my CIA bosses and with Chuck."
"CIA?"
"Am I not still talking? Thank you. As I was saying, I'm totally justified. But yet…I actually respect you in a really twisted, perverted way. Believe me, I know what it's like to be crazy obsessive about that boy. By the way, the photos? Gold. Been there, done that. Oh, and see this?" Sarah flashed the little baggie with a lock of Chuck's hair.
"Is that…?" Billie asked. Sarah nodded. "It's so wavy and soft."
"I know."
Both women thus considered Chuck's soft and wavy locks. They sighed happy little pathetic sighs. "Yeah," they murmured simultaneously.
"Anywho," Sarah said, moving on. "Because I feel something akin to empathy for you, I'm actually gonna give you a choice."
"What choice?"
"Back away from Chuck and hop on the next flight to Glasgow. Do that and you won't suffer the consequences."
Billie considered for a moment. Then, she spat, "Fuck you. He's mine."
Sarah nodded, expecting this answer. "Figured as much. Guess I gotta take action. But, just because I'm feeling nice, I'm still gonna send you home to Glasgow."
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Los Angeles International Airport
Baggage Terminal
Around 3 AM
Two worker bees loaded baggage onto Glasgow flight 830. As they attempted to hoist one particular bag onto the loading ramp, their knees nearly gave out.
"Goddamn!" one worker exclaimed. "What'd they load this suitcase with? A dead body?"
"Sure feels like it," the other worker responded.
"Shit. Bend with your knees, man, or else you'll fuck up your back."
"Screw it. I got workman's comp."
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Shortly after noon the next day, Sarah Walker strode into the Buy More, wearing a white floral prints sundress and matching sandals and carrying a dozen red roses. Her shoes clicked loudly against the tile floor, drawing the attention of those who didn't immediately notice the devastatingly beautiful blonde's entrance.
Chuck Bartowski noticed her immediately. "Sarah…what's up?"
Sarah presented him with the roses and cupped his cheeks, drawing him in for a slow, scintillating kiss. When it ended – and after giving him a few moments to recover – Sarah said, "What? Can't a girl show her man how much she appreciates him?"
She took his hand in her own. With a glare at Emmett, she declared, "I'm taking my man out for a romantic picnic. Hold all his calls." Like a good boy, Emmett knew not to argue.
Arm in arm they walked towards the exit. "Casey told me about Billie," Chuck said. "What happened to her?"
"I sent her home," Sarah nonchalantly replied.
Chuck analyzed this statement. "You killed her, stuffed her in a suitcase, and put her on an outbound flight to Glasgow, didn't you?"
"Yes. Are you angry?"
"You didn't breach our contract, did you?"
"Nope. Even had Casey double-check the contract. We're all good."
Chuck squeezed her hand and placed a kiss on her bare shoulder. "Good. But then again, how could I ever be mad at you?"
With absolute adoration, Sarah said, "I love you, Chuck."
With equal adoration, Chuck replied, "I love you, too, Sarah."
And together, arm in arm, Chuck and Sarah walked into the sunset, intent on enjoying their picnic.
THE END