As of the 12th of March 2018, this story has been checked for spelling errors and grammar mistakes.

Scenes have been improved and lines have been added or removed to make the story more compelling and more enjoyable to read.

Feel free to check out this rebooted version of My Self-Destructive Mind! =)

Chapter 1: The pirates of Sacred Heart

Note: This story takes place during the later half of season 4. Turk and Carla are married. Cox has a son. JD is not dating anyone and is friends with Elliott, and Doug is still the worst doctor of the hospital rather than the best pathologist...
Italics = JD's thoughts.

A light breeze brushed by JD's face, making him shudder from the cold.

"...Who opened the window?" JD mumbled blearily. He looked around, but for some reason he had trouble focusing his eyes. The young doctor blinked a couple of times, finding it strangely difficult to read his environment.

"Where am I...?" JD said and looked down at his feet. The sight caused him to stumble backwards in terror and stare at the parking lot 60 feet below him. There was no open window. He wasn't even inside the hospital. He was on the roof of it.

"What the- How the hell did I get here?" JD said and looked around the empty place in a mix of bewilderment and horror. "I don't remember going up any stairs, when did I-"

JD turned quietand spun around on the spot, feeling the panic growing and spreading inside of him. Like a tiny, green monster feeding on fear. I don't remember how I got here, how can I not remember how I...

He stopped and took a deep breath. Okay, calm down, JD. You're just having a blackout. You're fine, just try to remember the last place you were, and-

JD stared blankly into the thin air.

… And what time it was.

He instinctively pulled up his arm to check his wrist watch. Alright, it's 2 pm now. The last thing I remember was when I… No, I think I was- Nope, that's wrong. I was in the… Uh...

JD dragged both his hands through his hair. His fingers were getting sticky with hair products, but he ignored it. He was desperately trying to glue together pieces of memories, but they seemed to be flying further and further away from him every time he tried to grab one.

Okay, I know was talking to Turk at the nurse station- No! At the cafeteria! That's it! But that must have been at lunch. I can't have lost 2 hours! Wait, hang on... I remember talking to… somebody in the hallway... That was after lunch, so it must have been around 1 a clock. I don't remember who it was, but I think that we were discussing the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

JD smiled a little at the memory. Jack Sparrow is so awesome. We have so much in common. He's goofy, I'm goofy. He's a pirate, I would be an amazing pirate. I wonder what Sacred Heart would be like if all of us were pirates instead of doctors?

JD zoned out and started daydreaming about a ship called "The Sacred Heart" with a wooden figure of Bob Kelso in the front, instead of a beautiful maiden. JD was standing on a plank in a simple pirate clothing with his hands tied behind his back. He sported the determined expression of a man who did not fear his own death.

Cox, dressed as a pirate captain with a complimentary eye patch, was standing on the deck. His buckler was drawn and he was pointing it in JD's direction. "Prepare to meet Davy Jones, you dirty she-rat. You are ne-hever getting out of this alive," Cox exclaimed. "I'm gonna watch these sharks fight over you like overstimulated kids fighting over the toy in a Happy Meal, and then I'll laugh all the way to Tortuga where I shall retell this hilarious tale to every hooker and captain Hook that still has ears to listen with."

"Don't I get a last wish?" JD asked curiously.

A roar was heard and a furious looking Carla swung down to the deck from a rope and landed between Cox and JD. "Walk the plank, ya dog!" Carla said in a mix of street slang and pirate talk. "Ya'll pay for your crime with your dear life!"

"My crime? Hold on a sec, aren't we supposed to be pirates?" JD said and raised an eyebrow. "We are literally the criminals of the sea! That's, like, our thing!"

"Well…" Carla looked like normal and shrugged. "Someone took the last pineapple, so..."

"Are you making me walk the plank for stealing fruit!?" JD asked upset.

"Don't be daft, Newbie. Of course not!" Cox said in annoyance. "We're making you walk the plank because you were lying about stealing fruit."

"I haven't been stealing any fruit!" JD said furiously!

"See, that's why you're standing there," Cox simply explained. "Liars don't belong on the sea."

"But we are pirates! We're supposed to steal, drink and lie!"

"That's only in song lyrics, ya idiot," Cox said and waved the buckler in irritation. "For god's sake, Anne Bonnie… You never lie to the captain. If you lie to the captain you'll never make it as a doct- I mean pirate. It will however get you killed."

"But I've never stolen a pineapple! Or any other fruit for that matter!" JD desperately tried to explain. "I'm not lying!"

"Can you prove it?" Cox asked suspiciously.

"Look at Turk! He's eating one right now!" JD said angrily and nodded in Turk's direction.

Turk was sitting a few feet away and suddenly looked up from a half-eaten pineapple. Cox studied him for a moment but then made a dismissive gesture. "That doesn't prove anything."

"What?!"

"Sorry JD…" Turk apologized with a shrug.

"Oh yeah? Well, I would savor that pineapple for as long as I could if I were you," JD yelled and turned his back to Turk, looking extremely offended. "Let's hope it can comfort you next time you're having nightmares about the Kraken, 'cause you won't have a friend anymore to do that!"

"Go on, Newbie. I don't have all day," Cox said and poked the pointy weapon at JD's back. "I can't let the ship wait just because you're gonna act like a stubborn five year old. Jump in."

"JD! Jump in!" Elliott called cheerfully and waved to him from the water. She was dressed as a mermaid with a top made of sea shells and flowers in her hair. "It's the frickin' Caribbean! The water is awesome!"

JD suddenly looked much more interested in the water and took a few steps on the plank towards Elliott the mermaid.

"Dude! What the hell are you doing?!" Turk screamed in horror.

"I'm not even talking to you, Turk!" JD yelled back and took another step. "I hope you and that stupid fruit will live happily ever af-"

Suddenly, the crystal blue water was gone. Instead, JD was staring down at the rock hard pavement of the hospital's parking lot. His left foot just about to take a final step into nothingness.

The doctor swayed dangerously on the edge of the roof until two pairs of strong arms quickly wrapped around him and violently pulled him backwards. In the next moment, JD was lying in a sweaty pile of limbs and bodies belonging to two surgeons.

Turk sat up and stared at JD. He looked furious and scared to death over what just had transpired. Todd got up too, but JD remained on the ground. His body was trembling and he couldn't seem to make it stop.

"Dude! What the hell!?" Turk said. "Why were you just about to step down from the god damn roof!? What were you thinking?"

"He- Help…" JD stuttered between shattering teeth. Turk and Todd immediately grabbed one arm each and helped JD to his feet.

"What the hell, man," Turk said again, still looking angry. "If Todd and I hadn't followed you up here, you would have been a puddle of blood and broken bones on the sidewalk right now!"

"Yeah! Rescue five!" Todd exclaimed proudly.

"Todd! There's nothing here to high five!" Turk told him off.

"Inappropriate five-five…?" Todd asked carefully.

Turk ignored him and turned back to JD. "What were you doing up here anyway?"

"Idunnowhywereyoufollowingme?" JD rambled with a suspicious look at the two men.

What are you doing? He was worried about you, and he just saved your life! Don't be so rude!

"JD, I was looking for you because no one has seen you since lunch," Turk explained with a serious look. "Laverne said that she thought she saw you heading to the roof and that you didn't look so good, so I followed you to make sure you were alright. And that's when I found you standing on the edge ready to become mash!"

"What about the Todd? Why did he come?" JD asked with wary look at the other surgeon.

"He's..." Turk began, but trailed of with a frown. "Actually, I have no idea why he tagged along. He just sorta showed up and I didn't think twice about it..."

Turk and JD both turned their eyes to the second surgeon. Todd answered them with an accommodating smile, but didn't seem to feel that the situation required him to explain anything.

"...Anyway," Turk said, and returned to JD. "I just saved your sorry white butt, so I think you owe me an explanation."

"It's nothing, don't worry about it," JD said. "I'm fine now, so let's head back-"

"No, no, no! Nuh uh! We're not going anywhere until you tell me what you were doing up here in the first place," Turk stated. JD glanced at his friend. Wow... He looks like he really means it. Could I win against Turk in wrestling match? Who am I kidding, my bones are cracking just thinking about it... Those big, brown muscles could stop a horse!

JD shifted uncomfortably where he stood. "I… I was just- I thought that I needed some fresh air. And then I come to think of that soda commercial, you know? Where a guy is standing on top of a mountain and catches a falling can from the sky?"

"I am familiar with it," Turk nodded seriously.

"And then he screams his lungs out in ecstasy while the winds is blowing in his face and his hair?"

"Go on," Turk said, with the straight face of someone on a business meeting.

"Well… I thought that looked kinda cool, so I..." JD scratched his neck. "So... I kinda wanted to try it. You know, for fun."

See! Now you did it again! You're lying! You're lying to your best friend! What's wrong with you? Is that a way to thank him? You dirty, pathetic, little-

JD closed his eyes in aggravation.

What am I doing? Stop thinking like that. Whatever it is that's making me think that, just SHUT THE HELL UP!

"Dude, don't do it again," Turk said with a stern pat on his shoulder. "No offense bro, but your balance isn't trustworthy. And by the way, that commercial is filmed in a studio. That guy isn't actually standing on a mountain, and he's definitely wearing safety ropes."

"Really?" JD said honestly surprised. "But it looks so real!"

"I know, right!" Turk said in excitement. "It's so realistic, it's hard to-" Turk's beeper suddenly went off and he took a quick look at it. "Crap...! I forgot that I have another surgery... Gotta run!"

Turk grabbed a spaced out Todd and started running to the exit. He turned his head to JD one last time. "Just promise me that you take it cool, buddy! And don't go and test your balance again! Not without some decent protective gear and a strong friend who can catch you. You've got that?"

"Promise, C-bear!" JD happily answered as Todd and Turk quickly disappeared down the stairs.

JD was frozen to the ground. He looked down at his left hand. It was trembling again.

I'm a bit worried over my behavior today… I mean, not to make a big deal out of it, but it almost feels like my thoughts and daydreams are getting weirder for some reason... Unpredictable.

JD's whole body started shivering again, but he tried to ignore it.

Well, I should probably try to find out where I've been these last few hours. I still can't explain this strange blackout, or whatever it is… I should probably tell someone about this.

No.

I probably shouldn't tell someone about this. I mean, I'm feeling just fine now. Maybe it's nothing. There's no point in worrying people. They might get mad at me.

"...What?" JD said, and looked around. As if the words had not originated from his own mind, but from someone standing next him. He stared blankly in front of himself for almost a minute before shaking it off and headed for the stairs.

I'm not sure what's going on, but whatever this is, it's starting to creep me out...