Summary: Six years on, Zim has grown considerably taller. Irkan mating season (every 30 Earth years) rolls around and the all-mighty tallest are impressed enough to send Zim a mate. One human, in particular isn't too happy about it....

Rating: M (for later chapters). This story will eventually include graphic heterosexual/homosexual material and bad language. YOU. HAVE. BEEN. WARNED! So don't come a-cryin' to me if this isn't your cup of tea...

Pairings: This is a ZADR, but includes Z+OC Het as part of the set-up storyline.

Disclaimer: I own nothing...NOTHING! Except this sandwich *om nom nom...sandwich!*

'Mating Season'

Prologue: 'Spoof Cola!'

Ms. Bitters' class was assembled before her as usual. The children were sitting silently and watching the clock eagerly, half-listening to what the teacher was saying. The blackboard had 'Spring Holidays' scrawled across it in Ms. Bitters' spidery handwriting.

"Despite my suggestion to have you all erased to save you the crippling emotional and spiritual pain that comes with adulthood..." Ms. Bitters drawled "the school has allowed you all to continue on to higher education. After this two-week break you will be returning to this class for the last term of education. After that, you will report to 'Middle Skool' by orders of the principle."

The bell rang, Ms. Bitters twitched and spat "That's it. GO HOME!"

The children hurried out all at once, some laughing and shouting. Two students in the front row were that last to leave. The green-skinned figure nearest the door moved first, turning out into the hallway. He was intercepted almost immediately by the other, who appeared before him forcing the boy to stop in his tracks. His black trench coat gave a tiny flap around his hips as he stood his ground.

"Don't think that I'm giving up on you just because we're moving to Middle Skool, Zim!" He said. "I checked, we're still in the same class."

"Pffft!" The green boy replied, rolling his eyes. "Why check, Dib human?" A smirk spread across Zim's face. "You'll be just as useless in Middle Skool as you were in Elementary Skool"

Dib paused, and pulled a face that mirrored his rival's.

"And so shall you, Zim."

-------

The base was almost silent, bathed in it's usual greenish glow. The only sound was the tinny whining of the TV. The little robot watching it jumped as the door was unexpectedly and loudly kicked open.

"Welcome home, son!" The two badly made, sparking droids emerged from the walls to run on a semi-circular rail that led to the door, then retreated back along it into their hiding places.

"STUPID DIRT MONKEY!!!" The Irkan shouted as he slammed the door shut, discarding his wig and eye lenses as quickly as possible. The robot looked on at the television with wide turquoise eyes, seemingly oblivious.

"To think that he has the right to oppose me, ME! The almighty ZIM! That...that...." The Irken snarled and spat out his next words as a human would an offensive curse word "That, lower life form!!!"

The lack of response to his ravings made Zim meet with an awkward silence. The robot began to bop his head to himself, singing a little silent tune.

"Gir! Switch that ninnybox off, I'm in no mood!"

"Awwwwwwww", Gir protested. "But it's my favourite shooooooow!"

"It's not even a show, Gir, it's a commercial."

The robot took no notice, and continued to watch. Zim reluctantly sat down next to it and began to watch as well.

On screen, a blonde woman with impossibly white teeth was grinning in a way that Zim found disturbing. "Drink Spoof Colaaaaaaaa!" She breathed, drawing out the last syllable while an impossibly clean beach scene rolled behind her. Zim settled back, becoming bored already. Then a catalogue of children were shown with the words "REAL DRINKERS" blinking below them in bright white subtitles.

The first boy was bouncing around on the spot screaming "I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THIS!!!" He was followed by a second simply standing there. "This. Cola. Has. Changed. My. Life" He said, right eye twitching.

Finally there was a girl chugging a can of 'Spoof Cola', her pupils growing narrower and narrower as she reached the end of the can. Then placing it down gently on a small table she stated, quietly, "I can see through time and space."

Zim sat up suddenly, antennae springing forward. "Interesting... this substance seems to have a... strange effect on the humans." Gir's smile widened, eyes still glued to the screen.

"I want to study this substance further. GIR!" He commanded the robot, who's eyes turned red and immediately saluted.

"Yes, my master"

"Bring me some of this 'Spoof Cola', so I may study it."

"Yessir!" The robot zipped on his green puppy suit and took off.

Gir returned an hour later with a couple of cans of 'Spoof Cola', and a burrito. He unzipped the suit and sat down in front of the TV in one leaping motion, stuffing the sloppy food into his mouth happily. Zim picked up a can of the cola as it rolled across the floor and scrutinized it closely.

"I will take this down to the lab for analysis! Gir, watch the upper floor of the base"

"Oooookay!" the robot chimed, not taking his eyes off the TV.

Below the house, in the eerie pink and purple bowels of the alien's secret base, Zim tapped away at a black and red computer screen. He had decanted a drop of brownish-green 'Spoof Cola' onto a Petri dish underneath a powerful microscope.

"This can't be right" Zim exclaimed. "This is not a human food substance! It isn't compatible with human nutritional requirements." Zim's screen gave him a list of ingredients:

Additives

Flavourings

Coke syrup

Taurine

Sugar

Other stimulants

Trace amounts of growth hormones

"Computer!" Zim shouted in exasperation. "Give me all the additional information you have on 'Spoof Cola'."

The larger screen accessible to the Irken lit up and started to display a flickering image of the same blond, toothy female he had seen earlier. She was still grinning but this time she said very, very quickly: "Spoof Cola makes up part of your recommended daily requirement of energy drinks. Not suitable for the elderly, those with heart conditions or nervous disorders. Should not be administered to children under fourteen. May cause side effects when mixed with oxygen."

"Gyaaaa! That's no use!" Zim balled his fists in frustration. Gir had made his way down to the lab some time ago and was bouncing around in the background humming "Do di do do do do di do do doooooooo!"

Zim poured a little more cola onto the dish and prodded at it with a thin glass stick.

"According to my data, humans shouldn't even be able to digest this slop." He said to himself. It wasn't even liquid, really. More of a thin syrup. At least there wasn't any water in it, Zim thought.

"Hmmmmmmm....." he looked at the can of cola, then picked it up and went to drop a small amount on his outstretched tongue.

"Master! You shoudn't outa do that!" Gir warned, in a rare moment of clarity.

"Silence, Gir. As long as we don't mix it with this 'ox-ey-gen' stuff, we'll be fine."

Gir opened his mouth to speak, then produced a rubber pig toy from his head and began squeezing it contentedly. Zim squeezed his eyes shut and poured a drop of cola onto his tongue, letting it dissolve before smacking his lips curiously.

It was....it was....it tasted......DELICIOUS! It wasn't unlike the mass produced flavoured snack drinks found on planet Irk only sweeter, more concentrated.

Irkans, like most of the universe's dominant species, had reached the peak of their evolution in most ways. Irkans had the ability to evolve quickly which, in the past, had given them the upper hand on other species. The only way they could develop further was to become larger or, in their words, taller. The Irkans saw tallness as a sign of strong genes, this was why those who could become taller in their own lifetime were held in the highest regard. The Irkans quick evolution, however, had come at a price. Not only did their height suffer, but also certain sections of their brain. Even the most advanced Irkan mind tended to be cold and logical, only able to focus of the task at hand.

They simply had no interest in anything else and didn't see any problem with that. This was why the concept of psychology, as well as most forms of entertainment, were virtually non existent on Irk. Even the all-mighty tallest only found amusement in beating on their subordinates during probing day. They were known to enjoy puppet shows, pranks and gambling also, but that was mostly out of boredom. And even then they usually finished off their activities by beating one of their subordinates.

Irkans didn't need to eat, but snack foods were widely enjoyed by most of the empire. In addition to having no nutritional value (nutrients may have messed with the delicate Irkan digestive system), they contained stimulants. These tapped into a long forgotten part of the Irkan brain, and the effects were highly enjoyable. Basically, anything that would give a human being a 'high' would work tenfold on an Irkan.

"Master.....what you lookin' at!?"Gir had crept close to his master and stood inches from his face, waving one metallic hand in front of it.

Zim had a completely vacant expression, his ruby eyes staring off into the distance, antennae totally limp, a tiny amount of greenish foam in the corner of his mouth.

The empty can of 'Spoof Cola' rolled across the lab floor.

"I can see through time and space...." he whispered.

"Whut?"

"THIS STUFF IS AMAZING!!!" Zim screamed suddenly, grinning like a Cheshire cat. If he had had pupils, they would have been as tiny as pin-pricks. This sudden outburst sent Gir flying backwards, landing upside down on his head.

"GET ME MORE OF THIS! GIIIIIIR! FIVE CRETES, NO...TWELVE, NO...AS MANY AS THEY HAVE! NOW!" Zim yelled, jerking on his antennae in excitement.

"I don't wanna!" Gir said, petulantly. Zim calmed down momentarily, shooting his defective SIR unit a loaded stare.

"Get it for me, and you may have as many tacos as you can carry." He said.

"WHOOOOOOOOO!!!" That got him moving, the robot steamed off down one of the lab's waste tubes.

-------

Ms. Bitters' class filed back into the classroom reluctantly. The spring break was over, and Ms. Bitters looked as unhappy to be back as the children. "What I did over the holidays" was scribbled on the blackboard behind her in writing that somehow seemed sarcastic.

Dib sat at his desk, fiddling with one of his hand-held paranormal investigation devices. He jerked his head up to look at anyone who entered the room. He was uneasy, truth be told he hadn't got much spying on Zim done over the holidays. The alien had been strangely quiet over the last two weeks, and this unsettled Dib greatly. It always got Dib's attention when he knew the invader was up to something, but it disturbed him even more when it appeared that Zim wasn't up to anything.

When Zim entered the room, heads turned. Ms. Bitters lowered her glasses and peered at the green boy. Dib looked up from his device and his jaw fell to the surface of his desk.

Zim stood in the doorway, tall. Very, very tall. He height was now approximately 5ft 7 inches. His old clothes stretched to the limit, barley covering the now massive Irkan.

"What!?"

PROLOGUE:END

A/N: Yay! This was my first (ever) stab at writing fan-fiction. This chapter was really just a 'flex' of my creative writing muscle. I thought I'd start with the characters as they were in the cartoon and give (what I hope is) a humorous explanation for Zim's increased height for the later chapters. I have an entire ZADR story mapped out in my head, and I plan to continue with it unless I get some really cruel reviews ='(

Another warning – this story (if continued) will contain a lot of explanation as to how the Irkan race acts. It's just my own personal take, please bear that in mind when reading.

This is a slow-starting romance story so bear with me, (the smut is coming, I assure you!) So, leave a comment/review if you want. But remember, first try! Also, I'm not Jhonen. If the characters seem 'off' to you then apologies, but it's fan-fiction!