How Not to Write a Percy Jackson and the Olympians Fan Fiction
By the "wonderful, wonderful" Clara Fonteyn
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I'm like an ostrich sometimes, really I am. For example, I had stopped reading Percy Jackson and the Olympians fanfictions for a long time, in the wild hopes that they were getting better. I buried my head in the sand.
Today, I looked at Thea [space here] 47's community.
I flamed a few stories.
And then I laid my head on my well worn and beloved keyboard and cried.
That's right. I cried. You can even ask my mom. I also said many, many four letter words that you better not ask my mom about.
Then, I talked to myself for a while. My conversation went like this:
"Clara, come on. Get up and stop crying. So there's a bunch of brain-dead eleven-year-olds on this community. You've guessed that. Come on. Stop crying and do something about it."
After swearing (and crying) at myself, I sniffed a few times and got to work.
And that is how, lucky reader, you got this chapter.
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Today we are looking at a prime example of failure in this community: romance.
Please gasp now. You will probably not have a chance to later on.
Done? All right, let's continue.
Romance; love…what is it? Floating on air? Dancing on water? Kissing in the moonlight? Making out in random places?
All this, according to the Percy Jackson and the Olympians Fanfiction Community, and one more:
Bullshit.
Yes, that is what you've made it.
*With your "Seaweed Brain" and your "Wisegirl."
*With your Athena/Poseidon rivalry standing in the way of Shakespearean 'true love'.
*With your random, awkward lemons in random, awkward places.
*With your two young lovers making out after an intense fight (with each other or with monsters).
*With your girl getting jealous of Rachel Elizabeth Dare.
*With your Daughter of Poseidon (Mary Sue) falling in love with Nico.
*With your Rachel Dare falling in love with Nico.
*With your Thalia Grace falling in love with Nico.
Shall I go on, or are you satisfied? Are you convinced? Are you persuaded that this is not love, this is not romance?
Do you get it now?
Let me break it down further:
1.) Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase—at least, not the Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase Rick Riordan created—do not call themselves "Seaweed Brain" and "Wisegirl" on a minutely basis. In fact, Percy said in The Demigod Files that "Wisegirl is kind of a lame name…"
Um, yeah. Just…no. Don't do it.
2.) Athena is not a power-hungry, maniacal, Hitler-like woman hell bent on destroying Percy Jackson's romance with Annabeth Chase. Do not portray her as such. In fact, in The Last Olympian, she said that she would give Percy a chance.
3. ) We'll go over this one in greater detail in another chapter, but the Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase Rick Riordan created do not randomly fall into bed and make mad love after a rather mysterious party at Camp Half-Blood.
4.) After Percy Jackson kills a monster that was going to kill Annabeth Chase:
"Oh Percy, I love you."
"I love you too, Annabeth!"
*Smooch*
Or after Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase have had a BIG fight:
"Percy, I'm so sorry. I can't live without you."
"Annabeth, I'm sorry, too. I love you."
*Smooch*
I hope you are able to see what is wrong. If not, then please hit your head with a hammer until you lose consciousness.
5.) "I made cookies for my dearest darling Perseus Jackson, but that mortal (w)(b)itch Rachel Elizabeth Dare made blue cookies. Now I am incredibly sad because Percy loves her more than he loves me. No, wait, he hates me!"
Just…no.
6.) After my horrible past life that involved an insane/sexually abusive stepfather and dead mother, I have arrived at Camp Half-Blood, where I meet my half-brother Percy Jackson. I am gorgeous and extremely talented. I make Annabeth Chase jealous. Heck, I make Silena Beauregard jealous, despite the fact that she died in the last book.
But nobody really knows me: I love Nico DiAngelo, despite the fact I have seen him all of three times. He is so mysterious and heartbroken and something…
7.) Despite the fact that Rick Riordan portrayed me as somewhat of a rich spoiled brat, I have had a horrible childhood, and Nico DiAngelo promises to make it all better.
8.) Because Nico and I both have black hair, people have apparently decided that we like the same music and have THE EXACT SAME personality, so now I pant after Nico DiAngelo madly.
And just for kicks, Nico's thoughts during the last three: "I wonder what's for lunch? AHHH! Save me! Fangirls, whose name can be abbreviated as FANGS!!!"
Aww…poor Nico…
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Did you get the message?
Okay, you're asking me the bottom line. And the bottom line is this: PJatO is a series written for teens and preteens. It has romance, but light romance. It is hard to take these characters, and keep them in character in a heavy romance.
Seriously, if you want to write romance, by all means, go ahead and write it. Please do.
But for God's sake, if you want to write romance romance, instead of light romance, consider Twilight. It'll be a lot better for you. It's not that bad, really. You might like it. But hey, you have a brain. I assume you are able to make your own decisions. I can't tell you what to do.
So, the basic, bottom line, take home message is: In the case of PJO, write light, in character romance. If you write it at all, which is not necessary for a good one-shot or story.
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So anyway, I will see you next time on How Not to Write a Percy Jackson and the Olympians Fan Fiction!
The "wonderful, wonderful" Clara Fonteyn is on her way out! Save flames/rotten tomatoes/stones for reviews, please!
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Today's vintage song: Stupid Cupid by Connie Francis. I thought it was kind of fitting, considering.
Today's useless fact: It is two days after April Fools' Day, 2010.