Not Another Lemon! (Take Three)

By Galaxy1001D

Kim Possible and other Disney characters are © Disney Co.

In his evil lair, the villainous Doctor Drakken laughed manically. "Bwa-ha-ha-ha! It's time to begin the countdown! In less than ten minutes a massive tidal wave will wash across the country! The United States will be destroyed! When the flood has subsided, laser-satellites will dry out the country and this land will be mine!" With those words, the blue-skinned villain pushed a button on his control panel and a set of numbers appeared on a computer monitor.

A teenage boy's voice rang out defiantly. "Not so fast, Drakken!" Up on the catwalk overlooking the massive chamber was—

"Kim Possible?" cried Drakken in surprise and confusion.

"That's right!" Ron announced from under his red wig. "And right here is Ron Stoppable, my trusty sidekick!"

The blond boy beside him wore Ron's hockey jersey, but it was nowhere as baggy on his tall muscular frame the way it was when Ron wore it. "Ron I'm confused, who am I again?"

"Brick, we've been through this," Ron scolded. "I'm Kim Possible, teen hero, and you're Ron Stoppable, blond and athletic sidekick.

"Wait a second," Brick Flagg stammered. "If I'm you and you're Kim, does this make us boyfriend and girlfriend?"

"Ew! No! Ew!" Ron shuddered as he backed away. "You'll notice that I'm wearing Kim's old mission clothes, the ones from seasons one to three. I'm in the black sweater, not the purple outfit. It's cool."

"Didn't Kim's shirt show off her belly button?" Brick asked.

"I've got the wig, it's no big deal," Ron shrugged. "This story is a lemon anyway, the clothes will come right off soon."

"So what do I do?" the good-natured quarterback asked.

"It's simple," Ron told him. "I'll handle the martial arts, the gymnastics and the heroics. You just be blond, good looking, and act like you don't know what you're doing."

"But I don't know what I'm doing," Brick insisted.

"It's okay," Ron told him as he took his naked mole rat out of his pocket. "If you run into trouble, Rufus will talk you through it. Won't you Rufus?"

"Roger," the plucky rodent smiled and gave a snappy salute.

"Are we going to do this or what?" Drakken sneered.

"We're cool! We're cool!" Ron assured him. "Have you found somebody to be Shego yet?"

"Yeah, I did," Drakken nodded. "Black hair, martial arts expert, check."

"Okay, then let's do this!" Ron cheered. He leaned over and whispered to Brick. "The first four chapters are lesbo action! I've got it made!"

"Dude, you rock!" Brick tapped Ron's fist with his fist in congratulation.

"Okay, Brick your line!" Ron ordered.

"And don't forget Ron Stoppable!" Brick barked as Rufus perched on his shoulder.

"How did you find me?" bawled the mad doctor.

Ron pulled out what appeared to be a hair dryer with a grappling hook loaded in it. "Next time you try to blackmail the world, remember that the United Nations has Caller ID." The grappling hook discharged from his hair dryer and a rope spooled out. "Ha-ha! I'm Kim! This is so badical!" The grappling hook lodged itself in the ceiling and Ron grabbed Brick and swung down to the floor. "Whoa! You gotta lose some weight there, buddy!" Ron said as they reached the floor. "You nearly threw out my back up there!"

"Nrgrah!" groaned Drakken in frustration. "Shego!"

As cool techno music played from hidden loudspeakers, a bestial man in a green and black harlequin style outfit leaped into view. He wore no shoes, exposing his furry apelike feet that featured opposable thumbs. The backs of his powerful hands were similarly covered in a coarse black fur.

"M-monkeyfist?" Ron stammered.

"He matched the description and was the only one I could get at short notice!" Drakken called out.

"Stoppable?" Monkeyfist removed the longhaired black wig that concealed his messy coarse hair. "Drakken, you told me I would be making time with a cheerleader."

"I thought you were going to," Drakken told him. "Who knew the buffoon was going to take Kim Possible's place himself?"

"I thought this story featured lesbo action," Brick muttered to Ron. "It looks like some other kind of story to me."

"Drakken!" Ron bawled. "What's up with this, huh?"

"He's what we've got to work with!" Drakken snarled. "Take it or leave it!"

Ron shut his eyes and chanted his mantra. "Remember chapter eleven. Remember chapter eleven. Yori's counting on you, Ron-man." He opened his eyes and faced his apelike enemy. "Okay, Monkey-man, let's do this!" he challenged.

"Very well, Monkey-hater," Monkeyfist sneered in his most arrogant English accent. "Let's just bring it, shall we?"

With an aggressive growl, Monkeyfist lunged at Ron, attempting to kick him with his powerful apelike leg. Ron leaped over Monkeyfist's charge and struck the apeman with a back kick as he landed. "Ron! Stop the countdown!"

"What?" Brick asked.

"Brick! You're Ron! Not me! Remember?"

"Oh yeah!" the quarterback nodded. "I thought you were going to handle the hero stuff!"

Ron dodged, flipped, and blocked Monkeyfist's blows as he shouted to his substitute. "Brick! You're a two-hundred pound quarterback and Drakken's an egghead who is twice your age! You can take him!"

"Oh yeah! Right!" Brick nodded as he dashed towards the control panel and the criminally insane Doctor Drakken. "Naked mole-guy, what do I do if he's packin'?"

"Oh brother!" chirped the naked mole rat as it jumped off his shoulder and ran over to the control panel. As the hairless rodent jumped and climbed up to the controls, Brick tackled the mad doctor.

"Yeowch!" Drakken squealed. "Time out!"

In the meantime, Monkeyfist body slammed Ron, sending them both tumbling to the floor. As they rolled across the chamber, Ron seized Monkeyfist's wrists to keep his furry hands from seizing his neck. When they had stopped rolling, Monkeyfist was on top, his insane dark eyes were less than a foot away from Ron's. His face was feral, exited, primal. As they wrestled, the two mortal foes brought their faces closer… closer… closer… until…

"What's taking so long?" Drakken complained. "Are you two making out or what?"

Sweat dripped off of Monkeyfist's face. Ron grimaced nervously.

"I got him, Ron… I mean, Kim!" Brick called out. "Now what?"

Shuddering in revulsion, Monkeyfist closed his eyes and pursed his lips. Gagging, Ron tried to the same.

"For crying out loud, getting tackled by this kid is like being hugged by Warmonga!" Drakken growled as he elbowed Brick in the face. "Let go of me! The two monkey-freaks are supposed to be getting it on, not us!"

The struggle on the floor was certainly homoerotic. Both Ron and Monkeyfist's muscles were flexed and rippling as they each tried to gather up the courage to kiss each other.

Finally, almost by accident, their lips touched.

The two sprung apart and leaped to their feet, gagging and wiping their mouths off.

"Gah!" Ron screamed. "It tastes like monkey!"

"Ugh!" Monkeyfist choked. "It tastes like human!"

"Dude, that is just sick and wrong…" Ron scolded.

Rufus, sensing Ronald's distress left the catwalk to scurry over to Ron's side. As he bent down to pick his little friend up, he heard the chime of the Kimmunicator.

Beep beep, de-beep!

"Ron here," Ron answered as she pulled out the blue video game style Kimmunicator Kim had used in the first three seasons. "What's the sitch, Wade?" He chuckled self-consciously. "Man, I've always wanted to say that!"

"Ron?" Kim's face appeared on the little screen. "What is that on your head?"

"Oh this?" he said as he attempted to straighten his red 'Kim Possible' wig. "Just a little something that says 'the show must go on', KP."

"That's not all it says," Kim sneered.

"I notice you don't seem to be wearing much," Ron smiled knowingly. "Change your mind about doing the porn story?"

"Ron, I'm at the beach!" the redhead scolded. "I'm wearing a bathing suit! I don't even want to know what weird thing you're doing without me. I just called you up to warn you about the lemon you seem to love so much. You're in more than just chapters one and eleven."

"Really? Hold on a minute," Rufus handed the boy a sheaf of papers and the boy started flipping through them. "Wait a minute! It says here that I'm in chapter eight too! And so is Mrs. Doctor Possible! Kim in chapter eight I do it with your mother!"

"Ron, I didn't mean chapter eight…"

"Me and your mom!" gasped the boy as he brushed the wig's red hair out of his eyes. "Me and my best friend's mom! Holy smokes! I mean, what's not to like about Anne Possible? Sure there's an age difference, but that don't mean nothin' in stories like this…"

"Ron…"

"Sure I've thought about me and your mom," Ron paced nervously. "I mean, who hasn't? But it's just not right, can I really do that?"

"Ron, there's nothing right about this story…" Kim said as she tried to get a word in edgewise.

"I know she's really fine and all, but I feel like she's my mother too, you know what I'm saying?" Ron was sweating now. "I mean, I know I really want to, but can I really do it?"

"Ron, that is way too much information," Kim snapped. "Could you chill here? I'm not talking about you and my mother. I'm talking about what happens in chapter thirteen."

"What happens in chapter thirteen?" Ron nervously asked as he flipped ahead.

"See for yourself porn-man," Kim smirked. "I've got to warn you, it's not pretty."

"Like anything in that story is," Shego's sarcastic voice could be heard.

As Ron skimmed chapter thirteen, his freckled face lost all color. "Yori and I are captured by… Monkeyfist?!"

"That's right," Kim scolded, "and he spends all of his time with you and forces Yori to watch. Still think this is such a great story?"

Ron stared at Monkey fist in horror.

"Pass," the apeman shuddered. "You'll have to do that chapter without me."

"Uh… maybe we should call it quits on this one," Ron stammered weakly into the Kimmunicator. "Hope the next guy writes something else and cut our losses. See you in the next story, KP."

"Good boy," Kim smiled condescendingly. "Shego and I are in Hawaii, see you when we get back. Out."

Kim and Shego were sitting in lawn chairs at a beautiful beach wearing one-piece bathing suits. Kim deactivated the oval Kimmunicator strapped to her wrist and looked over at Shego. "See, all he needs to stay out of trouble is a little direction."

"If you say so, Princess," Shego didn't seem one hundred percent convinced. "Don't look now, but the focus is on us now."

"Oh! Right," Kim glanced up in surprise. "Hi there, I'm Kim Possible."

"And I'm Shego," the emerald enchantress said without moving.

"When we agreed to do this story, we were told that we would be in a Kigo and show off some skin," Kim explained.

"Instead we found out it was a slime fest that would disgust a nymphomaniac," Shego shuddered. "No way was I going to do that!"

"So we've decided to go ahead with what we were told, but do it our way," Kim smiled. "Kids!" she called. "Come over here will you?"

"Sheki! Kasy Ann!" Shego shouted. "Get over here right now! If you don't listen to your mother, you're going to be in big trouble young ladies!"

Joining Shego and Kim were two four-year-old children. Both of them were girls who had forest green eyes and white skin with a greenish tint.

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Kasy Ann Possible and Sheki Go, our twin daughters."

"They aren't identical," Shego said as she pointed at the two little girls' heads. One of them had orange red hair like Kim did and the other had black hair with green highlights like Shego did. "See? They were just born at the same time."

"Kasy and Sheki were invented by the talented Kigo writer NoDrogs in her classic story A Small Possibility," Kim explained.

"Since then they've been used by other writers and NoDrogs hasn't complained as long as she is acknowledged as their creator," Shego continued. "So don't use 'em without giving NoDrogs credit, capiche?" The green vixen shook a flaming green fist threateningly. "If you do there's going to be trouble!" she snarled.

"Shego, don't scare Kasy and Sheki," Kim scolded as she hugged the two four-year-olds.

"I'm sorry, sweeties," Shego said as she spread her arms to hug her children. "I wasn't angry at you. You know how mommy talks sometimes. Come here. Give your mommy some love."

"The point we're trying to make is that Kigo doesn't mean porno," Kim said as Shego hugged and comforted her daughters. "The thing that makes homosexuality so gross is the same thing that makes heterosexuality so gross. The sex. Just keep it rated 'G' and you can keep that Disney charm!"

"Yeah," Shego nodded. "If you keep it clean and it doesn't matter if it's canon or not. It will still feel like your story is on the Disney Channel. You'll notice that Kimmy and I are at the beach. That's the 'G' rated way to show off our sexy bodies. And with Sheki and Kasy here we've got a Kim/Shego love going without a trace of smut. Right now, we're as X-rated as a rerun of The Brady Bunch."

"So you see, you can have a slash pairing without pornography," Kim smiled. "Say no to porn. You'll be glad you did. See you next time!" Kim waved as Shego, Sheki and Kasy grinned and waved too.

As the beach fades out, Ron's voice can be faintly heard. "Me and Monkeyfist? Man that is just wrongsick!"

END