Hey everyone. This is a fic that I only worked on when I was feeling depressed, so it took me about a week to fully type out. Songfics have never been a strong point of mine, and I know this is probably no good, but I really hope you like it anyway.
Song: Evil Angel by Breaking Benjamin
I do not own the song or X-Men: Evolution.
(Note: if any of you don't get what's going on at the very beginning, I'm describing what it's like being trapped in depression. What it's like to hold all of it in, and be lost in your own dark thoughts)
It was like being trapped.
Trapped in a darkness that never saw the light. Lost in shadows that never felt the sun. Caught in an icy numbness in which no warmth ever touched.
It was a place to hide, but also a place where you were hidden. Shut out from the rest of the world, but still in plain sight. You could curl up, crying your eyes out without ever shedding a tear. Scream until you lost your voice without ever breaking the silence. You could burn with no flames. You could tear yourself to pieces, bit by bit, and never have anyone see the scars.
It was like being trapped.
And in a way, it was scary.
And in a way…she welcomed it.
Hold it together
Birds of a feather
Nothing but lies and crooked wings
"Hey, Rogue?"
That was Kurt's voice. Muffled though it was through her door, she still heard it. However, she felt no desire to say anything back. She was lying on her bed, back facing the door. She heard it slowly creak open and a small beam of light crawled on the wall.
In a way, she felt bad. Kurt was her brother (or, stepbrother, but brother none the less), and she had been completely shutting him out with everyone else. He kept trying to get her to cheer up, to get out and hang with them, but to no avail. Rogue just didn't see the point anymore. She was already beginning to give up on even staying together.
But she still didn't want people to begin worrying about her, so she scraped together every once of will she still had just to answer him.
"Yeah?" she asked, wincing at her own voice. It was small and scratchy. Kurt frowned, concerned as he stood, half in the room.
"I vas vondering if you vanted to come to ze movies with us," he said, making his voice upbeat and encouraging. "All of us are going. Ze movie is supposed to be really good."
Rogue didn't answer for awhile. She noted the desperation in his voice, but could not make herself reason with it. Why would any of them want her to come? Was she honestly supposed to believe they were worried about her? Lies. Empty lies. Just like everything else.
"No thanks," she said, still fighting to keep her voice steady. "Ah think Ah'm just gonna try and get some sleep."
"Oh," Kurt said, and Rogue felt a small pang of guilt at the sadness in his voice, but it was quickly swallowed up by her depression. It didn't matter.
Nothing mattered.
"Vell…see you later…" Kurt said, turning away and closing the door, plunging the room into darkness once more.
It might have been a few minutes, or it might have been a few hours. She really didn't know. But Rogue found herself sitting up in bed, her knees pulled to her chest and arms wrapped around her legs. She shivered, but hardly because the window had been left open. She felt lonely. Not the kind that could be cured by being around the others. No, if it had been like that, she would have gladly accepted the offer to go to the movies.
No she was…alone.
Alone. What a terrible word.
Rogue didn't realize she was clenching her fists until she began to shake from the force of it. She slowly relaxed her hands, and they fell limp. She had told Kurt she was going to try and get some sleep.
Sleep…almost sounded good right now.
Rogue shivered again, and her eyes traveled to her open window. It was dark outside, a waning moon hanging in the sky. The wind that touched her face held the familiar scent of a rising storm. The steadily roughing breeze brushed the curtains, tossing them to and fro, throwing shadows around the room, dancing in the moonlight like a dark river.
She watched them for a while, ash gray eyes empty of all life, before slowly rising and walking over to the window, legs still numb from lying down. The air was heavy yet cool, and angry charcoal clouds littered the sky. She could hear the distant sounds of water wavering, and felt something she hadn't in a very long time.
Desire.
She actually wanted to do something. She felt a small spark inside her that drove her to get out.
For better of for worse was yet to be seen.
I have the answer
Spreading the cancer
Easy.
All the other kids had taken off to go see a movie, Wolvy was off playing on his tricycle somewhere, that weather witch was in Africa, and he sure as hell wasn't going to be off put by a bald man in a wheelchair.
Yup. Easy.
Taken she didn't kill him the moment she saw him.
Remy sighed, leaning against the side of the mansion, nonchalantly shuffling his deck of cards back and forth. He could tell it was going to start raining any minute, but felt no rush. He was feeling pretty confident. Ok, so he hadn't been around in awhile to see her. So? She was probably angry, but that was expected. He felt bad for being away for so long. He should have at least checked in on her, but truth be told he had been a bit wary. Not just because Wolvy was playing overprotective father.
No, it was a different thing. He had been a bit afraid of coming back and having her instantly shoot him down and wanting nothing to do with him.
But he had missed her like crazy. He wanted to hear her voice again. See her eyes. Just be with her.
You are the faith inside me
Just before he was about to turn and begin climbing up to her window, he noted the figure of someone sitting alone on the edge of the hill that out looked that water beneath. Just sitting.
It took him less then a second to recognize her, and a light rain had begun to fall.
Rogue sat alone, on the edge, watching the dark waters as the cool rain hit her face. Perhaps it had been stupid to chose this spot to try and get her head together. After all, it had been here that one of the memories she longed to escape had occurred.
They never had fixed the area where the marble-like stone had broken.
Rogue looked down at her hands. Yes, she knew that she hadn't really killed Mystique, but it was just the fact that she would have. The guilt she had felt seeing Kurt's expression had almost been too much to bear. How could she have done that to him?
She once again clenched her hands into tight fists, ignoring the cold wind now whipping her face. Thunder rolled in the distance, lightning flashed, but she could not take her eyes from her shaking fists.
She was cursed. Damned to a living hell, trapped in the prison of her powers. Everything she touched…anyone she got close to…it all ended up the same. They pitied her, not liked her. How could they? They were all normal. They were happy, they had friends, they could live their lives outside of this shadow of fear that had been cast over her.
She longed for that closeness. She wanted nothing more then to get close to someone. The problem was not her powers keeping her from that closeness. It was her mind, shutting out all who came near her, remembering the pain that those bonds led to.
No
Don't
Leave me to die here
Help me survive here
Rogue felt tears begin to form in her eyes, but roughly pushed them back. She didn't care if there was no one around to see her cry. She still refused. She had to be stronger then that. That was just who she was.
Nothing gets to me anymore…
Without meaning to, those words she had said to Logan found their way back in her head. They were true. Nothing got to her. She had already began to withdraw when she said those words, and all downhill from there. It wasn't like she wanted to feel this way. She didn't want to be the scary goth girl they were all afraid to get near. She just couldn't remember how to do anything else but push others away…for her own sake and theirs…
Alone
I don't remember
Remember
Rogue again looked down. The waves were very angry now. Rain was smacking against the surface like a shower of bullets.
After lifelessly staring at the waters for a moment, a thought slowly began to work its way into her head. A thought she had been fighting back for as long as she could remember. A terrible thought that should have shocked and scared her, but by now had just broken her down to submission.
She thought about jumping.
When the thoughts of suicide had first formed in her mind, she had been angry with herself. Scared. Unsure of everything. By now, it had become a routine. Those dark thoughts were always there. Always the undertone of whatever she was trying to work on. It had numbed and broken her to the point where it was just normal. Everyone else would disagree, but they weren't in her head. They didn't get how fantasizing about a gun to her head was as routine as brushing her hair in the morning.
Rogue continued to watch the waters. So what if she jumped? It was her choice. If she was tired of going through each day feeling like she was hollowed out, feeling like her heart was being burned by acid, who was to tell her she was wrong to end it? Who was anyone to try and tell her it was wrong to just want to let go? To close her eyes and never have to face the world again?
Put me to sleep evil angel
Open your wings evil angel
Rogue found herself standing, wind threatening to throw her off her balance as she kept her eyes on the darkness below. Could she do it? Could she really have the guts to do it this time? Sure, a few cuts on the wrist, a bad hour or so standing on the roof of the mansion, she had had those. But this time felt different. She wanted to jump. All those other times, it was like she was just trying to decide which side of the border she wanted to be on. Living or dead. Trapped or freed.
Right now, she wanted to just escape. Her thoughts weren't on what would happen afterwards, which is what had stopped her so many times before. Right now, all she could think about was getting away from the feelings inside her. The pent up pain, rage, betrayal…
She couldn't take it anymore.
I'm a believer
Nothing could be worse
And who would miss her anyway? Scott? Jean? They might feel bad about it for a day or so, but they would be over it and moving on in at MOST a week.
Kitty? Sure, she and Kitty had become close friends, but it wasn't enough to make her want to stay. Kitty was a bright, happy person who could bounce back from anything. She would be better off without Rogue, anyway. Without the dark loner holding her back.
Kurt? Yes, she would miss her brother, but the same applied for him as Kitty. He would be better off without being held back by her.
No one would really miss her anyway. She barely talked to any of them. What was there to miss?
All these imaginary friends
Anyone else? Mystique? Rogue found herself smiling darkly at the thought of her 'mother's' reaction to her death. She would probably grumble about having lost such a powerful weapon, but would move on to the next poor mutant that caught her eye.
Her debate was wearing thin. She just wanted to jump. This insecurity…this fear…all of it could be gone in a moment if she would just take that step forward…
Hiding betrayal
Driving the nail
She watched the illumination from a flash of lightning flare up the sky before it was caught again in darkness. She wondered how long it would take. She wondered if she would break, just like Mystique's statue had. The fall itself would be quick, but hitting the surface from this high up would kill her in an instant unless she got really unlucky. Rogue let out a harsh laugh. That would be just her luck. Jump off a cliff and only get a broken ankle. She wouldn't let that happen. She would make sure to hit her neck somehow.
Her mind was nearly made up. She kept going through a long list of people who might care even a little if she jumped. None of them were bringing up any motivation for her to just turn around and walk back inside, forgetting the whole thing.
Then one person flashed in her mind, and she felt her blood run cold.
Remy?
Remy watched her, a strong sense of forbidding rising in him as he observed her actions. She seemed like she wanted to be alone right now. He respected that. But he didn't like the way she just stood there, staring at the ground. Whatever it was she was thinking about, he was sure he didn't like it.
But, she had clearly come out here to be alone, and he didn't want to offend her by interrupting. He hadn't seen her in so long, and it was hard to just watch from a safe distance. Something was defiantly off. His chere was a bit of a deviant, but something was just wrong about the way she was acting.
Give it a few more minutes…he thought. Let her try and clear her head before you step in…
Hoping to find a savior
Rogue tried to shake away the thought, but that was just not going to happen. The brief moment it took for his name to touch her thoughts was all it took to freeze her to the spot.
She hadn't seen the Cajun in a long time. He kidnapped her, used her, and then left. Just like that.
Just like everyone else.
But…what would happen? If she did jump, what would happen? She had been hoping to see him again someday, but all hope had been torn from her in the past few weeks. She still had that stupid card her gave her. That Queen of Hearts. When she felt like she was going to die from loneliness, it sometimes was enough to make her feel better.
If she jumped…she would never see him again.
No, not where she was most likely going to end up. Despite all he had done, Rogue knew that under it all Remy was a good person. He would have to be for her not to have ripped up that damn card in an instant and forgotten him. He wasn't all bad, really. He would get into Heaven when the time came.
She was going straight to Hell, she was sure of it.
Maybe there was something left in the world she still cared about. He was cocky, annoying, stubborn, and downright stupid, but she had stopped trying to deny to herself that she liked him.
No
Don't
Leave me to die here
Help me survive here
Alone
But her heart had nothing left to give. He didn't like her, anyway. He was way too good for her. He deserved someone who was happy. Someone who wasn't broken beyond repair. Damn it, he deserved someone he could touch without being put in a coma!
There was no use waiting around for something that never was and never will be.
Don't surrender
Surrender
Rogue wanted to jump, then and there, but suddenly found herself getting cold feet. She was not afraid at all, so what was stopping her? She found herself quickly being overwhelmed by her own emotions, finding it getting harder to breathe.
Put me to sleep evil angel
Open your wings evil angel
Fly over me evil angel
Why can't I breathe?
Evil angel
She couldn't take it. Why did she have to chose now to me indecisive? Now of all times? Her thoughts and emotions swirled in a fury of panic, half trying to jump and half wanting to run away and never stop, never turn back. Rogue gritted her teeth and tightened her fist, ignoring the stinging pain the action brought with it. Those pent up emotions were burning inside her chest, ripping away in an attempt to get out.
Jump. All she had to do was jump, damn it! Why couldn't her feet move? What could possibly be stopping her?
The burning in her chest reached her throat, and it took her a moment to realize she was screaming. Even then, she didn't stop. If this is what it took to somehow release all that suppressed anger and hurt, then let it. The roar of wind and claps of thunder covered up some of it, and she was convinced she was too far from anyone that would hear her.
So she screamed. Screamed until her throat burned and her chest ached, and then some. Around her, the rain continued to fall and the storm continued to rage. She kept screaming, throwing her distress at the angry sky and letting everything come down around her. Not the kind of scream she would make in battle after being hit, or what one would utter in a state of fear or surprise. No, it was a broken, desperate shriek that had been dying to be let out for God knows how long.
Rogue felt her throat scratch and begin to break, and her lungs demanded air, but she was not silence until the lack of oxygen had her on her knees, roughly gasping for breath.
She no longer felt that pent up anger. Now, she just felt hollow. Her chest felt empty, and her blood had run cold. Shivering, she wrapped her arms around herself and tried to get a grasp on what little sanity she had left.
Still she held back her tears. She could yell and scream forever, but she would not cry. No matter that she was alone, or that the rain would cover up any tears she might shed. Still Rogue held them in. It was just what had to be done. She didn't cry.
Through the fury of the storm, she was completely oblivious to the slight sound of footsteps behind her and the soft sound of her name being spoken. However, she did feel the arms that slowly wrapped around her shaking frame, willing her away from the edge of the cliff.
At first, Rogue figured it was Logan or maybe Kurt, anyone besides who it actually was.
The storm had darkened everything, and through her blurring vision she could not make out the person at first. However, something about the two bright, glowing dots of red gave it away.
"W-What are you doing here?" Rogue asked, meaning to sound harsh but was unable to draw forth any strength to do so. Shock still managed to flare through her. She hadn't seen him in so long, and he randomly shows up now of all times?
He would have seen me jump…
"Could ask y' th' same t'ing, chere," he said calmly. It was a bit hard to hear over the storm.
Rogue bit her lip. She was hardly one to question him right now considering he had just watched her nearly jump off the side of a cliff. She did, however, decide to play it casual.
He couldn't know.
"Ah live here," she retorted, forcing her voice to stop shaking. She saw him roll his eyes.
"Y' know what I mean," he said. They were both on their knees, his hands on her shoulders, both ignoring the rain pouring around them. However, Rogue was becoming more and more aware of it as her clothes were now completely soaked and the cold was seeping into her skin.
"Ah was just…" She found herself unable to come up with an excuse for her actions. What was she supposed to say? 'Sorry, I was just out here trying to kill myself, and then I got freaked and starting screaming like I'm insane. My bad.'?
"Nothing," she finished feebly, keeping her eyes firmly on the ground, refusing to meet his. She knew Remy wouldn't settle with that answer, but it was all she could say. The fact that her voice was broken and weak from her screaming didn't make it any more convincing.
"Did'n' look like not'ing," he said. "Chere, y' scaring me. What d'ya t'ink y' were doin'? I t'ought y' was goin' t' jump…"
When Rogue didn't say anything, he began to panic.
"Oh mon Dieu," he said, cupping her face with his hands, forcing her to look up at him. "Chere, why would y' do dat?"
"Ah don't know what you're talkin about," she said, heat rising in her voice. Over the initial shock, she began to feel angry. He had no place to try and stop her. It was her decision and he was getting in the way. "Besides, why do you even care? What are you even doing here?"
"I wanted t' see y'," Remy said, eyes still filled with worry. "Chere, please don' change th' subject. I saw y' standin' there…y' looked like y' were…y' were goin' t' jump."
Put me to sleep evil angel
Rogue's breath caught. So he did know what was going on. She fought back her panic. She needed to get him off her case, at least for a moment. When he left she could hurry and grab a knife…
"You're crazy," she said, her forced teasing tone burning her tongue like acid. "Ah was just tryin' to get mah head together. Ah'm fine. Really."
Remy's expression didn't change, and she began to worry it'd be harder to get him away then she thought. Part of her didn't want to push him away. Part of her wanted him to hug her and let her cry about everything that had gone wrong, about how she had been about to kill herself and wanted help. But she wouldn't give in to that. She needed to keep the strong act up.
Open your wings evil angel
"Tell me what's wrong," he said, slight pleading in his voice. Rogue shivered as the icy wind seeped through her clothes and bit at her skin.
"Nothing's wrong," she said weakly, almost inaudible. He heard her.
"I don' believe dat."
"Why do you even care?!" Rogue demanded, feeling those damn tears burning in her eyes. "Why would ya care if Ah had jumped, huh?! Why would it even matter?!"
Remy stared at her in shock. "Y' t'ink I wouldn' care if y' had jumped?" He waited for her to respond, and when she said nothing, he went on. "Chere, of course I would care. It would kill me if y' had jumped. Y' have no idea how devastated I would be"
"You're lying," she said, closing her eyes to hold back the tears. "You wouldn't care if Ah died. No one would…"
Remy looked horrified. "D' y' really t'ink dat?"
She said nothing.
"D' y' honestly feel dat way?"
She grit her teeth, feeling the moisture in her eyes threatening to spill over.
"No one would care," she repeated, starting to shake again. "They'd all be better off without me. A-Ah'm better off dead…"
"Don' say dat!" he practically yelled. Then his voice softened. "S'il vous plaît, chere. Please don' t'ink dat way…"
Fly over me evil angel
Rogue was about to say something when she was cut off by his arms wrapping around her again and her face being placed on his chest. She hadn't realized how cold she was until then, and his warmth was very comforting. After a few tense moments, she relaxed and let him hold her, burying her face in his chest. His hands caressed her back soothingly, and he softly ran his fingers through her hair. She felt her mask crumbling, tears slowly leaking from the corners of her eyes.
And he just held her. Even when her soft whimpers turned to heartbreaking sobs, he just held her, saying nothing as the storm raged around them. Both were soaked to their skin from the rain, but Rogue felt safe. His arms around her felt like shields. Not only from the harsh weather, but from everything. From the terrible feelings that haunted her, from those dark thoughts of jumping from that cliff…
She felt safe.
When she finally began to calm down, she took a few deep breaths, contemplating what to say. She had just cried her heart out, and now Remy knew her secret. That she had tried to kill herself. What happened now?
She pulled back to look at him, opening her mouth to speak though she was at a loss for what to say, and he silenced her by holding up his hand.
"Y' don' need t' say anyt'ing," he said softly. "I promise I won' tell nobody about dis. But y' have t' promise me somet'ing, d'accord?"
Rogue nodded weakly. Anything for him not to tell.
"Just…" he began, and put his forehead against hers before continuing. "Promise dat y' won' ever try an'…an' kill y'self."
Rogue didn't know what to say. She hadn't been expecting that. His voice was so pleading when he said that…it was almost like he really cared…
"Ok," she choked out eventually. "Ok."
Why can't I breathe?
Even in the noise of the storm, she could hear his sigh of relief as he again pulled her into his arms.
"Merci chere…" he murmured, kissing the top of her head. Usually, Rogue would have instantly pulled back and demanded what he was doing, but right now she just let herself be comforted. She knew they had a lot to talk about later. Why she had almost taken her life, why he had decided to come back and why he cared so much, and what they were going to do now.
But for now, she was perfectly content being held by him.
She didn't know how long they stayed like that, but Remy eventually spoke up.
"I t'ink maybe we should get out of th' rain before we freeze t' death."
Rogue smiled slightly. "Yeah."
He helped her stand, and her knees instantly buckled under her. He caught her before she hit the ground, and she thanked him quietly. She felt more tired then she ever had before.
He wrapped his arm around her waist, and she put hers around his shoulders, leaning against him for support. They slowly made their way back to the mansion. The others were still out at their movie, so they had no trouble making it up the stairs and back to her room.
Rogue sat down on her bed, shivering as the cold caught up with her. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to sit out in the rain that long.
"Y' shouldn' stay in those clothes," Remy advised. "Y' goin' t' catch y' death o' cold like dat."
"No kidding," she said, teeth chattering. She got up and went to her dresser, turning to glare at him. He looked back blankly.
"What?"
"Ah'm not gettin changed with ya standin right there!"
Remy just smiled back innocently. "Why not chere? Remy would get changed in front of y' if y' asked him to."
Rogue groaned, walking back over to her bed, grabbing a pillow and throwing it at his face.
"You're such a pervert."
They both laughed for a few moments before Rogue's face became solemn once more.
"So…now what?" she asked, internally wincing at how stupid the question sounded. Remy shrugged slightly, leaning against the wall.
"Remy can leave if y' want him t', chere."
"No," she said instantly. "No…please don't go…"
Rogue knew she was being selfish. She had no right to ask him to say. No right to expect him to. He had already done more then she was justified in taking. He had been there to save her and let her vent all those terrible feeling.
A cold chill fell over her when she thought of where she might be right now if he hadn't stopped her from jumping. The same thing seemed to pass through his mind at that moment, because his expression softened instantly and he walked over to her, hugging her closely to him.
"I'll stay, chere," he said quietly, and Rogue noted the lack of his usual third person speech. "As long as y' want me t'."
Rogue smiled slightly, wrapping her arms around him. "Thank you…for everything."
"N'importe quoi pour vous, mon amour," he said, resting his cheek against the top of her head. It was a few minutes before he spoke again.
"Now, about y' changin out o' those clothes…"
Rogue growled good-naturedly and pushed against his chest.
"Way to ruin the mood."
Evil angel
I wanted to end on a light note because of how angst it was. That's what I get for writing while I'm depressed!
I know it probably sucked, but I put a lot of effort into this so I hope you guys liked it.
French Translations:
Chere: Dear or Beloved
Oh mon Dieu: Oh my God
S'il vous plaît: Please
N'importe quoi pour vous, mon amour: Anything for you, my love
I really hope I did ok and please review!