The Road to Rehabilitation

DAY ONE:

"And, yes, I can freakin' do that, as you so elegantly put it, Fullmetal," Roy Mustang continued, eyes half closed as if in utter disinterest, ignoring the sputtering and flush-faced teenager in front of him. "I'm afraid you've managed to cross yet another line that you shouldn't have."

The boy's eyes widened in fury at the insinuation, his fists curled hard, as he growled angrily, "I'm not one of your loyal little puppies, Mustang. I'm not going to roll over and fetch and go along with all your games--find someone else to play God with!"

The colonel only sighed at that, and Ed ground his teeth. "If only it was as under my control as you think it is. Unfortunately, this is hardly as much a punishment as it is a consequence. And you still have no idea why I've called you here at all, I see." He glanced over at the boy and the boy glared back, but Roy could see the dawning anxiety underneath. He smirked. He wasn't feeling particularly generous toward the brat, especially after this latest incident, so he'd let him squirm for a bit. "Amazing how such a so-called genius can be so magnificently stupid, isn't it?"

"You're the one who dubbed me a genius," Fullmetal muttered, just on the verge of losing his temper. "At least I don't pretend you're ever anything other than an idiot. And in case you haven't noticed, it's also your fault that I don't know why I'm here, or why you're being particularly moronic today, or why you just randomly decided to cut my funds off entirely!"

Mustang closed his eyes and sighed again. "Great mysteries of our time indeed," he mused, the slightest tone of mocking in his voice, almost-not-quite implying that if Ed was worth his weight in beans he would know these things.

Ed snarled. "Well, would you care to enlighten me, All-Knowing One?"

It was time to bring this little game to a close. "Library fines, Fullmetal."

Fullmetal looked surprised, maybe by the Colonel letting up so quickly. "What about them?"

"Your affinity to them. In ridiculous quantities."

"Darn it, Mustang!" Fullmetal yelled, at last losing his patience. "Spit it out!"

"It's hardly a riddle," Mustang murmured calmly, internally marveling at the boy's denseness regarding any matter that wasn't alchemy. "You racked up a small fortune in overdue fees. And I simply can't afford to reimburse you. Therefore, that same amount is being taken directly out of your paycheck, and because of the magnificent debt you have, that means having no military funds for a week." Ed opened his mouth, furious rant at the ready, but Mustang cut him off, steepling his fingers and leaning forward, "What I want to know, Fullmetal, is how on earth you managed to collect such a monstrous fine!"

"I used the library, what on earth were you expecting?" Fullmetal retorted. "Besides, how monstrous can it be?"

"One thousand, eight hundred forty-seven marks," the colonel said flatly, as an answer to both questions. Ed stared.

The teenager's mouth worked for a moment, opening and closing stupidly until finally he managed a, "We are talking library fines, right?"

"My reaction precisely," Roy sighed. "However, we are indeed talking library fines, though how you managed to unintentionally set a national overdue fine record is beyond me…." His voice trailed off in a half-question, prompting Edward to fill in the blank.

"Well…." Ed said reluctantly. "I have had a few books out for a while…."

"'A few' meaning what?" said Roy.

"…Maybe a dozen."

"…'A while' meaning what?" said Roy, lifting one hand to rub the bridge of his nose.

"…About two years."

Another sigh. A pause.

"Dare I ask why you would consider it normal to keep a library book for years on end?" the Colonel muttered, close to losing his own patience.

"Well, if I returned the books and came back for them later, somebody might have taken them out!" Ed said defensively. "Or worse, got their grimy paws on them! There were ketchup stains all over one of the ancient texts I found. Ketchup stains, Mustang!"

"I understand your alarm, Fullmetal," Mustang deadpanned, deciding that this was not going to be an enjoyable week. "But that is entirely beside the point. If you hold on to library books beyond the span of time policy allows, you will be fined. That's all there is to it."

"I thought that my overdue fees were shuffled off to you," Ed mused. "That's why I never worried about them."

"Then it's past time to learn a lesson in consequences," said Roy, looking pointedly at Ed, who in turn glowered childishly at his shoes. "Equivalent exchange, Fullmetal--you of all people should know there's no such thing as a free lunch." He paused. "And if you don't find a way to get money elsewhere, there won't be any lunch. Or breakfast. Or dinner."

That, at least, seemed to drive the point home. Ed's head snapped up, horrified. "No money at all for a week?" he cried. "How am I supposed to eat?"

"Let me give you an invaluable piece of advice, Fullmetal," the Colonel said lowly. "This particular piece of advice is at the core of countless life lessons, and I can guarantee that if you learn it well it will greatly help you in many times to come." Fullmetal leaned closer unconsciously, curious but trying not to show it. Mustang smirked. "Get Money. And besides," he added, trying not to laugh at the brat's taken aback expression, "the human body can last up to a week without food. At least you won't die. Probably."

Fullmetal jumped indignantly to his feet, arms waving wildly. "Fine! Fine!" he screamed. "I just won't eat! I won't earn money and I won't eat at all, and we'll see about your little starvation lesson!"

"I'm not trying to teach you how to starve. This is a lesson on awareness of funds and responsible spending," Mustang interjected, but Ed kept going as if Roy had never spoken.

"Mind over matter," he declared stubbornly, stabbing a finger at Mustang. "I just won't eat."

"Okay," said Roy, bemused. "Don't."

Fullmetal turned and stalked out of the office, slamming the door so hard behind him that the pens on Roy's desk jumped.

Roy surveyed the door for a moment, then shrugged and returned to his paperwork.