Hi ya'll its Dangotastic! Yes, I know you missed me. Basically, this little fanfic was created in the depths of my mind after being incredibly bored for the past few hours. It's anti Mary-Sue or OC. Don't take it personally, but I have yet to read any good female OC fics in the Batman section of ...or any section for that matter.
disclaimer: I do not own the Joker, Harley Quinn, or Batman. I also don't own any OCs.
[We see a bright room with white walls. A single, solitary lamp hangs in the center of the room. A medium sized table sits in the center with two chairs on each side. At one end sits a blonde, professional-looking doctor who is sporting some spectacular glasses. She is DR. HARLEEN QUINZEL otherwise known as HARLEY and she is awesome. On the other side sits a girl who is shaking spastically. She is wearing a yellow, orange and turquoise spandex jumpsuit with a matching jester cowl. She is also donning some Joker-eqse makeup on. HARLEY attempts to smile at the girl]
HARLEY: Hello my name is Dr. Quinzel. What's your name?
MARY-SUE: (lunging forward) Is the JOKER here!?
HARLEY: (calmly) Yes, he is. Why?
[The girl then proceeds to hyperventilate. Harley raises her eyebrows as the lunatic begins to squeal in a fan girlish manner and clap her hands.]
MARY-SUE: Oh, I love him! (The girl gasps, her liquid topaz and ruby eyes glitter with love and passion and other such bullshit.)
HARLEY: (skeptically) You know the Joker?
MARY-SUE: Oh, I know him!
HARLEY: Uh-huh. (she scribbles down some notes.) Does he know you then?
MARY-SUE: (narrowing her eyes) What are you implying, that I don't really know him?
HARLEY: That wasn't-
MARY-SUE: Well! (Stands up) He does know me! I'm his beloved Jester! (here she strikes a pose.) And he loves me with every fiber of his being!
[Harley snorts but quickly covers it with a fake cough.]
HARLEY: What is your name miss?
MARY-SUE: I told you, I'm the JESTER!!!!1!.
HARLEY: (in a false kindness-kind of voice)Oh, right. Sorry, what's your real name then
MARY-SUE: My birth name is Princess Ruby Topaz Sapphire Rachel Unicorn of the Glitter.
[Harley blinks]
HARLEY: Um, your real name?
PRINCESS RUBY TOPAZ: (indigently) That is my real name!
HARLEY:…Oh.
PRINCESS RUBY TOPAZ: Where is JOKER!?
HARLEY: I'll bring him in. (she calls to the orderlies.) Go get patient 4479.
[The orderlies go retrieve the JOKER]
PRINCESS RUBY TOPAZ: I just love Mr. Joker. I was nothing before, and now he's made me feel speshal!!!!
HARLEY: (dryly) I'm sure he has.
JOKER: (entering the room escorted by two large orderlies) Oh Dr. Harley!
PRINCESS SUE: (glances at the Joker and begins to have a conniption) ITS HIM!
[The JOKER stares at PRINCESS SUE, eyebrows raised. He glances back at HARLEY]
JOKER: Who's the crazy? (gestures to the spazing girl)
PRINCESS SUE: Oh baby doll, honey pie, sugar plum!
[She leaps out of her chair and lunges for JOKER, knocking HARLEY and her chair over in the process. Foaming at the mouth, PRINCESS SUE glomps a very confused JOKER. The Orderlies do nothing.]
JOKER: (blanches at the girl then glares at HARLEY) Is this some kind of new treatment, Harl?
HARLEY: (picks herself off the floor, and straightens her very professional looking glasses) No. She claims to be an acquaintance of yours.
[The JOKER looks at PRINCESS SUE, giggling to himself.]
JOKER: (to PRINCESS SUE) Uh, do I uh, know you?
PRINCESS SUE: Of course, sugar-lips. Don't you remember?
JOKER: Umm?
PRINCESS SUE: Cue the flashback!
[The flashback ensues. We are at the Bruce Wayne party from "The Dark Knight". Except, something is off. The party guests are wearing outfits that look like they were rejects for "Moulin Rouge". Also. Its bright and cheerful and animated using pastels. Suddenly, a purple and green horse trots into the middle of the room and 20 or so goons dance around it. The people 'oh' and 'aw'. Mounted on the horse is what appears to be the JOKER. Except that he is glittering and he has a genuine smile on his face. He leaps off his horse and pulls out a butterfly knife…in the shape of a real butterfly. He opens his mouth to speak.]
WTF JOKER: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight's entertainment.
[The people clap.]
WTF JOKER: Now, can anybody answer just one question: Where is Princess Ruby Topaz Sapphire Rachel Unicorn of the Glitter?!
PRINCESS SUE: (emerging from the crowd in her beautiful, shocking, amazing dress made of pure gold.) Here I am!
[The WTF JOKER eyes her, then unceremoniously seizes her by the waist and climbs back on his steed.]
PRINCESS SUE: (weakly) No. Help. Stop.
[BATMAN APPEARS]
BATMAN: What are you doing with my lover!?
WTF JOKER: She's mine now!
[A fight ensues. PRINCESS SUE eats a cocktail shrimp while watching the brawl with mild interest. BATMAN loses.]
WTF JOKER: LOL! She's mine! (He rides off into the distance.)
[Later, at the hideout.]
WTF JOKER: Now, you're going to do my bidding.
PRINCESS SUE: But, why?! Why don't you like society!?
WTF JOKER: Because society is EVIL! EVIL I say!
[The WTF JOKER looks at her. With LOVE in his eyes]
PRINCESS SUE: You're totally right, I'll do whatever you say! I love you!
WTF JOKER: I love you too!
[Then a montage plays. PRINCESS SUE is changing into a ridiculous outfit, slapping some face paint on, and donning a ridiculously large yellow, orange and turquoise hat while "Love Story" By Taylor Swift plays in the background.]
PRINCESS SUE: I am THE JESTER (she strikes a pose)
[End flashback]
PRINCESS SUE: And that's how it all went down.
JOKER:…..
HARLEY: That's more retarded than a parking lot full of short busses.
[PRINCESS SUE shoots a glare at HARLEY]
PRINCESS SUE: You're just jealous cuz Joker-Bunny Peaches and Cream really, really loves me!
[HARLEY rolls her eyes. JOKER however, is still in a catatonic state from watching the deranged flashback. His mouth is agape, his eyes wide, and his hands are slowly heading for PRINCESS SUE'S neck. However it seems as though he's changed his mind. He bolts over to HARLEY.]
JOKER: Hiya, doc. Ya wanna do me a favor?
HARLEY: Oh hell no, I read the comics. I'll never fall for your disturbing, strangely attractive charms!
[JOKER gives a knowing glance at the camera.)
JOKER: Is that right?
HARLEY: (unsure) Uh…yes?
JOKER: C'mon, you can't deny this face.
[He grins demonically, showing all of his yellow teeth.]
HARLEY: (thinking) Hot damn, he is sexy.
JOKER: Here's the thing, doll-face. (he pauses for dramatic effect) Kill the bitch, ok?
HARLEY: (morally distraught) I can't, I'm a doctor!
[The JOKER slaps HARLEY upside the head.]
JOKER: Have you learned nothing from our sessions!? Unleash the anarchy!
HARLEY: But I-
JOKER: UNLEASH IT! (he shoves a huge sledgehammer into HARLEYS arms.)
[Our slightly insane doctor has no idea what to do.]
HARLEY: (to herself) I have no idea what to do! Should I kill the bitch and continue a career as a psychotic henchwench or should I be a goody-goody and call the authorities!?
JOKER: You know, Harl, talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity.
HARLEY: I'M NOT CRAZY!!!!1!!!1 (foams at mouth)
JOKER: And, uh, that would be the second sign.
[HARLEY, in a mad fit of rage, takes her anger out of PRINCESS SUE. Blood sprays the walls, screams echo in the room, JOKER laughs and takes pictures.]
JOKER: (noticing a particularly good shot.) Oh yea, that's going on my facebook.
[PRINCESS SUE dies from the sledgehammer beating. HARLEY is twitching wildly and muttering incoherently to herself. JOKER giggles and takes some more pictures.]
JOKER: That was great, pooh.
HARLEY: (to herself) hehe blood, hehe not crazy, (giggles) cupcakes are delicious.
JOKER: Hmm, maybe I overdid the whole 'turning the shrink into a murdering psychopath' plan.
[JOKER shrugs, seizes HARLEY by the wrist and runs toward the exit. Upon opening the door however, they are met by an army of hideously clad jesters. All of them are shrieking as JOKER appears and many faint at the sheer sight of that sexy clown.]
ALL: JOKER!!!!111eleventyone!!!
JOKER: Um…what?
HARLEY: (giggles and begins talking to her sledgehammer.)
[BATMAN flies in.]
BATMAN: (in his growly growly voice.) JOKER! What have you done?!
JOKER: I didn't do anything. It was all Dr. Quinzy here. (he points to HARLEY)
BATMAN: You've brainwashed all these amazing, perfect women to do your bidding.
ALL: WE LOVE YOU, J!
JOKER: I had nothing to do with this!
BATMAN: Then how did they all get this way?!
[JOKER shrugs]
[Far off, in an undisclosed land, a teenage girl sits at a computer. She types frantically, grinning madly as she does so.]
GIRL: At long last, my fan fiction staring the ultimate, perfect, beautiful district attorney who captures the attention of JOKER, BRUCE WAYNE, and HARVEY DENT is finished!
[She sends her drivel out into the interwebs where it joins the masses of Mary-sue fanfictions. As it does so, you can hear the sound of JOKER, BATMAN, ANY MALE CHARACTER IN ANY FANDOM and other authors silently weeping.]
FIN
Yea, so kinda random, I know.
REVIEW!