Why yes, I am in fact alive! My first semester of college was wonderful, and I return in a few days. I've been writing a lot over my long break, including this random little idea that suddenly popped into my brain out of nowhere. This is dedicated to the lovely fish for ashes for her 18th birthday. :)

Warnings: swearing, AU, eventual boyxboy, and more than a little silliness.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Enjoy!

Mr. Wonderful
Chapter 1: Thanks, Mr. Postman

"This can't be happening," Sasuke groaned, head in his hands.

Itachi frowned, the worry that faintly creased his brow nearly indiscernible, but nonetheless present. "Sasuke…"

Sasuke shook his head slowly back and forth, hands still pressed tightly against his face, fingers biting into his temples.

Itachi looked down at him and sighed. "Melodrama doesn't look good on you, little brother. You're overreacting."

Finally, Sasuke's head reared up from his hands, too disbelieving to even properly cast a glare at his brother. "Overreacting? He cut me off, Itachi. Cut me off!"

"Still, you're overreacting. I know your foolish head may find this hard to believe, but this is hardly the end of the world," Itachi replied, settling himself down next to Sasuke on the shady steps of their expansive back porch and squinting out into the bright summer sunlight.

"That's real easy for you to say, asshole," Sasuke hissed. "They paid all your tuition. And for grad school on top of it. What the hell am I going to do?"

"I should think even people with a fraction of your intelligence would realize this means you'll need to get a job."

"I know that," Sasuke glared (but weakly, knowing Itachi was impervious to it and not wanting the pointless eye strain). "But even if I work as many jobs as I can fit into the time I'm not in class or doing schoolwork, try to take out a loan and sell any unnecessary internal organs, I'm still not going to be able to afford two more years at over fifty thousand dollars each, plus who knows how much for grad school…"

He sighed, dropping his head back into his hands. "Maybe I should just switch back to majoring in business after all."

"No," Itachi responded immediately, and the vehemence in that single word shocked Sasuke. Itachi's frown had deepened, but when he caught sight of Sasuke's widened eyes, his own expression calmed.

"Sasuke," he said evenly, "you're right. I never had to worry for a second about Father not paying for my education. Why would I have had reason to? I did everything that was expected of me. Went to college for business, got a master's degree in the same, accepted the position at Uchiha Corp. that had been waiting for me since birth."

"Well, you're the firstborn son, the perfect one," Sasuke sneered. "Of course you were expected to follow in Father's footsteps. Not stumble along after them like I always seem to do."

"Father had no different expectations for you than he did for me. The distinction is that you didn't follow them so blindly."

Sasuke opened his mouth, but Itachi waved him off with a hand. "Father loves you, Sasuke, though his present actions may appear to indicate the contrary. I believe he cut you off not to punish you or push you away, but rather to scare you a little bit, in the assumption—or perhaps simply the hope—that you'll recognize the 'error of your ways', so to speak. The path he wanted for you would lead to a lifetime of security, after all. And what more could a parent want for their child than security?"

Sasuke nodded resignedly.

Itachi actually chuckled, startling Sasuke for a second time. "Happiness, Sasuke. In his own stubbornness, Father's forgetting happiness."

Sasuke arched an uncomprehending eyebrow. Happiness?

"You're someone that values truth, Sasuke. That's why you want to be a journalist, is it not?"

He didn't wait for Sasuke to nod an affirmation to his rhetorical question. "For all our brilliance and success, there is one thing that we Uchiha often seem to not be so good at."

Sasuke stared at him.

"No, really," Itachi assured him. "And what I'm referring to is thinking for ourselves. But it's what you're doing right now. And I know I'm proud of you." He laid a hand gently on Sasuke's shoulder, just briefly enough for Sasuke to register it before he removed it. They were Uchiha and didn't do displays of affection, after all.

Sasuke managed a small smile.

"So go study journalism, or whatever you choose to do. Even if it doesn't bring you the security that our parents want for you, what you choose is what will end up bringing you the most satisfaction, the most happiness. And that's what's important."

Sasuke let his smile fade. "…Are you happy, Itachi?"

After a moment of thought, Itachi nodded. "I'm happy enough, yes. Though sometimes I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I had ever given myself the chance to consider doing something with my life that wasn't wholly expected of me. And that's what I'm trying to convey to you, Sasuke: you shouldn't have to only wonder."

With that he gracefully stood and turned to go back into the house.

Sasuke smirked. "I think you would've been great at psychology. At least, you've always been a master at mindfuckery."

(Thank you.)

Itachi allowed a small smirk of his own, and didn't reply. Just as he was heading back into the house, he paused and tossed one more thought over his shoulder:

"You and Father aren't nearly as different as you think you are, little brother. You are, after all, both very foolish."

Sasuke scowled.

*****

The afternoon sun was low on the horizon when Itachi stepped out onto the porch again, only to find Sasuke lying stretched out across the top step and staring at the ceiling.

Sasuke had been there for hours, feeling both unable to enter the house and completely at a loss of what to about the obscene amount of money he needed to somehow (legally) acquire in a very short period of time. The feelings of imminent doom had been somewhat soothed by Itachi's words, but his worrying had not slackened.

"Comfortable?" Itachi drawled, gazing down at him.

"Very," he deadpanned. "And it's not like I'm in a disastrous financial predicament that to which the only solutions that come to mind are robbing a bank or auctioning myself off on eBay, or anything like that."

"As much as I'm sure your fanclub would all but soil themselves with excitement at the mere prospect of the latter, I've just discovered the solution to your problem, little brother," Itachi remarked, holding out a seemingly ordinary piece of paper.

"You're welcome," he added tonelessly, as Sasuke reached up and snatched it out of his hand. "It came in the mail today. I was going to toss it with the rest of the junk mail, but then that caught my eye."

At first, all Sasuke could focus on was the line that read, "Winner receives a full college scholarship!"

And then he read the rest of the flyer, and barely restrained himself from ripping it to shreds or flinging it away from himself like a diseased animal (or both).

"No way in hell," he glared certain death at Itachi, who only seemed amused. "I mean it. No way would I ever… stoop so low, ugh. I'd rather sell myself on eBay. No way in hell, Itachi. You hear me? No. Fucking. Way."

Itachi merely smirked.

*****

"Right this way, young man!" a woman with a clipboard pointed him in the direction of another room, blushing as she did so.

Sasuke barely refrained from rolling his eyes and somehow managed to grit out a thank you before heading in the indicated direction, Itachi in step beside him.

"Nervous, little brother?" Itachi teased, not even trying to hide how much he was enjoying Sasuke's obvious discomfort.

"Have I told you lately how much I wish I was an only child?" Sasuke seethed.

"That's nice. There's no way they'll be able to resist that sparkling attitude."

Sasuke sighed as they reached the door at the end of the hallway. "Why the hell am I doing this again?"

"Because you're desperate," Itachi responded (in a tone that would have sounded downright merry on any human being capable of expressing normal emotion), going to lean against a nearby wall to wait.

"Oh. Right." Sasuke grit his teeth and pushed open the door.

Inside the room was a long, narrow table. Seated at it were five people with clipboards, all of them women. Their talking ceased the minute Sasuke stepped into view. The clipboard slipped out of one woman's fingers and slapped loudly against the table. Blushing, she didn't even reach to pick it back up.

A beat of silence passed in which the women looked at each other.

"YOU'RE IN!" they simultaneously chimed.

Sasuke did his best to force a smile and murmured his thanks, remembering how Itachi had repeatedly told him to be polite and make the best impression possible. (Though if the expressions on their faces were any indication, he didn't even need to try.)

One of the women fumbled to hand him a packet of information, which he took wordlessly. He left feeling very much like he'd been violated in some way…

Itachi turned to regard his brother when he exited the room looking even more miserable than when he entered.

"They rejected you?" he asked, in a tone that would have indicated surprise if Itachi was capable of being surprised.

"No, worse," Sasuke sighed. "They didn't."

Looking down at the packet in his hands, he felt his stomach drop to his feet in pure, unadulterated dread, something quite like panic churning inside of him.

Scrawled across the top of the packet, in large bold letters, was the header:

"WELCOME TO THE MR. WONDERFUL PAGEANT!"

A/N: "Mr. Wonderful" is the first pageant name I could come up with, and it was so stupid/cheesy I had to go with it. XD

I'm a sucker for good-older-brother!Itachi And, as usual, I enjoy torturing Sasuke immensely. ;) I also apologize for the lack of Naruto in this chapter, but he'll show up soon, I promise!

There should only be a few chapters total to this. I was hoping to have the whole thing written out before I went back to college and the new semester started, but unfortunately I did not have the time. I'll do my best to get the next chapter out as soon as possible.

Please tell me what you think of this silliness?