Title: Uncertain Conversations
Rating: PG-13 (Sam swears… I know. Surprised me too.)
Originally published: April 22, 2006
Notes: Based on spoilers for Transition and originally posted before the episode aired.

.

"You know why I'm here, Sam."

Sam looked at his friend. He had never seen Josh looked so tired or… defeated, which was a strange word to use for someone who had just pulled of the greatest political upset since Truman creamed Dewey.

"White House Senior Counsel?"

"Actually," Josh responded with a slight smile. "We just hired Ainsley Hayes."

"Really? I thought she was with the… what was it? Harding Institute?"

"Hoover. And that lasted less than two weeks. She's with us now."

"Well, that's great," Sam said, wondering how someone had convinced Josh to hire a Republican. He shook it off to concentrate on the matter at hand. "So, if you're not here to offer me a position…"

"I am."

"Some sort of special advisor?"

"Deputy Chief of Staff."

"Josh, I've been out of that world for too long."

"So you've been on a sabbatical from politics. You've done that on occasion. It never seemed to hurt."

"Meg and I are getting married," Sam finally said and couldn't help remembering a similar conversation almost a decade ago on the streets of New York. But Josh's reaction was radically different from last time.

"When?" he demanded with a wide grin.

"Next year, sometime."

"I want to be there."

"You will be."

Surprisingly, Josh seemed to be willing to accept his upcoming marriage as a good reason to stay in California. Sam suddenly had the desire to return the favor and fix whatever seemed to be upsetting his friend.

"Santos. He's the real thing, right?"

"Yeah. He is." But Josh's tone was dull and apathetic. Sam lost himself in memories again, seeing Josh after he had returned from New Hampshire to stand, soaking wet, outside the conference room of Sam's law firm.

"Josh, what are you doing?"

"I honestly don't know."

"Having second thoughts about your guy?"

"No. I'm having second thoughts about the job, though."

"Why? What's wrong?"

"I'm alone in this, Sam. I never thought I'd be alone in this. I'm more alone now than when I was during the campaign. I had Leo and Donna and Toby… or Bob, I guess I should say. Now, I don't have any of them. I've got no one to turn to. I've got no one who I trust. Santos is going off half-cocked, all over the place, not listening to me for more than a five minute stretch at a time. Goodwin's transition team is the most half-assed operation I've ever seen. And just when I convinced Lou to take on Communication Director and allowed myself to think that maybe things might start getting easier, Donna tells me that she can't work with me again, which I really should have known but I couldn't bring myself to give up on the only thing that has given me a shred of comfort. And, while I'm still reeling, she tells me that we need to define what we are, because neither one of us has a clue and if in four weeks we still can't say for sure that means we probably were never meant to be in the first place."

"Wow. That was out of left field."

"No, not so much. And she's right. I mean, we should have had this conversation ages ago, but with the election and Leo and everything else…"

"Wait! Wait," Sam interrupted. "What's been going on?"

"Yeah, that's the question. I mean, is it a fling? Because I sure as hell don't feel anything remotely so transitory. But what if it is for her? 'Cause, Sam, the way she's been acting has me totally baffled. But when…"

"Wait! Hold on. Josh, I'm sorry. Back up. I can't process as fast as you do. You and Donna… happened?"

"Yes," Josh replied, relaxing for the first time since he arrived, the huge "I Saw The Real Thing" grin finally on his face.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Dude!"

"I know!"

"When?"

"Depends on what you count."

"Doesn't it always?"

"It does seem that way."

"So, what's the problem? I mean, besides Donna throwing around ultimatums."

"Donna doesn't give ultimatums. It isn't her style. She tells Truth… regardless of consequence. She was so gentle and sweet about it and so… Donna. She was acting as my compass point, guiding me through the muck to what's really important. She's always been able to do that. And we do need to define what we are, because I don't want something half-assed with her. And when I was all set to tell her that when I realized what declaring my undying devotion would mean when I became Chief of Staff in a few weeks."

"Why? What's the problem?"

"Sam, look at Leo and CJ! This job is pernicious to relationships! Leo's marriage didn't make it past our second year in office. CJ still had to keep Danny at arm's length even though she wasn't press secretary anymore. How can I ask Donna to commit to me when I can't even guarantee I'll even be around most of the time?"

"CJ and Danny?"

"Yes. Focus, Sam."

"Sorry. So, you're thinking of letting Donna go for the good of the country?"

"No. I'm thinking of letting the job go for the good of Donna. Of course, she'd kick my ass if she knew what I was thinking. And it seems so damn selfish. The President said he was counting on me. He and Leo. I can't let them down and I don't want to. But I can't let Donna down either. I've done that too much in the past. I just don't know how I can do both."

"Who says you can't?"

"Sam…"

"No, seriously, Josh. Who says you can't? I don't see how either scenario apply to you and Donna. Jenny McGarry was a tight-assed stick-in-the-mud who never seemed to like anyone very much, including either of her two husbands or her own daughter, and was never happy unless she was the center of attention. CJ and Danny had no relationship to speak of when she took the job. And you right. Donna would kick your ass if she heard you talk about giving up on something you wanted because you thought it would make things difficult between you two. I think you should have a little more faith. The real question is do you want to be Chief of Staff? Josh?"

"I thought I did. I've wanted to be Leo my whole life."

"What changed?"

"The realization that I wasn't Leo McGarry. That I was going to spend the next four to eight years fighting with everyone from the desk clerk to the President to get anything done. This isn't the Bartlet Administration, Sam."

"No it's not. And you're not Leo McGarry. You're Josh Lyman and God help anyone who gets in your way, especially Matt Santos. You've surpassed the promise you showed eight years ago. President Bartlet's legacy is safe in your hands, whatever you choose to do. You will honor them whether you're Chief of Staff, Governor of Connecticut or the next President-Elect."

"Heh. Now that's a scary thought. I can think of more than a few people, Democrat and Republican, who would consider that last scenario something out of their nightmares."

"Then they should have their heads checked. You'd be a brilliant President. The stuff of legends. And you will be a brilliant Chief of Staff, if that's what you want."

"I can't do it alone, Sam."

"Sure, you can. But… if you decided that you do want the job and still need a deputy, I'll think about it."

"You serious?"

"Just… I want you to do something for me."

"Whatever you need." And Sam knew Josh's promise had nothing to do with getting him to return to DC.

"I need you to take some time off. Take Donna someplace tropical and get sunburn."

"That sound like I'm doing something for me."

"You won't do it for yourself, but maybe you'll do it for me. You're my best friend and I hate to see you unraveling before my eyed. I won't allow it. You need a day were the biggest decision you have to make is whether you want to have a second slice of pie. You need a week of them. You need to be able to be alone with Donna someplace that doesn't have a decade's worth of history wearing down on you. You need to be able to have some distance from all of this shit, so that you can really decided if you want to be Chief of Staff without guilt or duty influencing you."

"Take away my guilt and sense of duty and I might not be able to figure out how to function," Josh laughed. "Ok, I'll do it, but I'll have to convince Donna first."

"I have faith in your powers of persuasion. Just don't tell me the details," Sam teased.

"Ha. This is Donna we're talking about. I've never been able to get her to do what she doesn't want to do. I may have to call you for back up."

"Josh, my friend, what you don't realize is that Donna will always want what you want."

"You know, Sam, for a smart guy, you can be pretty delusional at times."

"Yeah. I know. Right back at you."

.

.

"How did it go with Sam?" Donna asked as soon as Josh entered the door. She had been waiting for him at his apartment, per his request, but she still had no idea why.

"Went in a totally unexpected direction. He's getting married," Josh sighed, as he dropped his bag and shrugged out of his coat, which Donna took to mean that Sam wouldn't be moving to Washington anytime soon. "And he had a few choice statements about my personal life to share."

"Ok," she replied, unsure what that quite meant.

"Donna, we need to talk about work and we need to talk about us."

"Aren't they related?"

"Nope," he said as he tossed his discarded jacket and tie on a nearby chair and approached the couch Donna was sitting on. "For the very first time, probably since we met, they are not and I think that's actually a good thing."

"Alright. Then, Us. We should talk about Us," she said, steeling herself for what was sure to be a difficult conversation.

"Ok, good," he replied, sitting down on the coffee table so that he was directly in front of her. "We'll get the easy one out of the way first."

"The EASY ONE!?"

"Yeah. I loved you for longer than anyone would believe and deeper than I could ever imagine and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make sure you're with me no matter what the future may hold. See. Easy!" he replied smugly, leaving her shocked and breathless.

"It wasn't that easy when I tried to bring it up before," she finally managed to choke out.

"That's when I thought that work and Us were still connected," he replied, unconsciously adopting her inflection.

"And that makes a difference?"

"Yes, but that falls under the work conversation and we're not done with the Us talk yet."

"What else is there?'

"WHAT ELSE… How about do you feel the same way?" he demanded with a gaze so hot she felt scalded.

"Yes," Donna squeaked and cleared her throat. Josh stifled a smirk. "Yes," she repeated in a clear voice. "I love you, Josh. And I want to be with you."

"For the rest of our lives?" he asked, softly.

"Yes."

"Good. Me too," he said and grinned foolishly at her.

"Does this mean we're engaged?" she asked, with a matching grin plastered on her face.

"Yep."

"So, what now?"

"Well, either I drag you into my bedroom to celebrate or we have the work discussion."

"And then we head to the bedroom?"

"Definitely."

"Ok then, let's talk first. You have a job. I need one. When I find one, I'll have a job. End of story. Let's go."

"As much as I appreciate the sentiment, it's not that simple. For one thing, I'm not so sure about me having a job."

"What do you mean? Did something happen?"

"No. I mean, other than the fact that I'm a newly engaged man."

"Are you thinking about turning down Chief of Staff because of me?" she asked, horrified.

"I was. Sorta. Sam had a few choice remarks, not to mention a few disparaging comments about Jenny McGarry, to share on that subject," he smiled. Then, he grew serious. "Donna, we got to face facts, though. It's not going to be easy. You know how bad the job can get. I won't get home until late. Some days I won't get home at all. There will be times when I'll forget our anniversary because I'll have no clue what the actual date is."

"If you forget our anniversary, you can just make it up to me when one of the next ones come along. We seemed to have amassed a nice collection of them," she teased, causing him to smile. She then grew somber. "Josh, whenever I've needed you, you've never let me down. The diary. Germany. You dropped everything. Risked everything. For your assistant. Why would I ever think you wouldn't do the same for your wife?"

"You were as important to me as the job back then. Now, you're more important to me than anything that exists in this world or out of it."

"And that worries you? That your feelings might interfere with the job?"

"No. These feelings made me a better Deputy COS. They'll make me a better… whatever it is I decided to do."

"So, your still have your doubts about the Chief of Staff position?" she asked. His dark look was answer enough. She had eyes. She saw what he had been battling against since the election. She reached out to smooth his shirt, mostly so she could touch him. "Talk to the President. He'll support whatever you decide to do, but it will help to have his insight. Then, talk to the President-elect. Let it be his call. And, worse comes to worse, no one said you have to stay on until then end of the administration. You could leave after a year and no one could say anything."

"That's about the wisest advice I've heard. And Sam's was pretty much on the mark. Ok, enough about my job. Let's talk about yours. What do you want to do?

"I'm not sure, Josh. I've done nothing but think about it and I still don't know."

"If we never happened… or if I wasn't part of the administration… would you take the Communications position?"

"I don't know. A White House position is never easy to turn down. You provided a really good excuse. But I never wanted to be CJ… or even Annabeth. I only stumbled into this line of work thanks to Will. I asked for more and he shoved me in front of the press. I'm good at it, but it's not what I would have chosen for myself. I talk about using the Santos kids in a photo op and I want to take a shower afterward. But I do it because I know what a positive impact it will make for the campaign. Doesn't mean I have to like it."

"What do you like?"

"I like legislative affairs. I liked what we worked back then on as much as I liked working with you. I liked it when I worked with Angela Blake, who was so definitely not you. I like it enough to be willing to work with Amy Gardner, if she offered me a position. I think… I think the right choice would be to turn the Communications position down. But I'm not sure I would have had the courage without you."

"Sure you would. You braver than you give yourself credit for. What about the FLOTUS Chief of Staff?"

"Again, not something I had ever thought about or sought for myself. Helen Santos came to me and to have that on my résumé…"

"It puts you on the next level."

"And it keeps me in your world, if you stay on as Chief of Staff."

"That's not a good reason to take the job."

"But it's an advantage. Of course, the cutesiness of his and hers Chiefs of Staff is enough to give you tooth decay."

"And that's not a good reason not to take it. So, what are your reservations about taking this job? What were you toying with before Mrs. Santos approached you?"

"I was… I was actually thinking of going back to school and finishing my degree. Maybe even get a Master's."

"You don't need to. You've earned your credentials," he reminded her gently.

"I know, but my lack of degree will always be something that will get thrown in my face by people trying to score a cheap shot. And I want it for myself. And, let's face it, not having my degree held me back."

"I though I did."

"Maybe a little. The same way I held you back. Because we let work get tangled up with Us. And I had to paint you a little black in my own mind to…"

"Make the break?"

"Yeah. But that was about me leaving the White House. If I had my degree, I could have stayed. Charlie rose like a meteor once he graduated. It stands to reason you would have been able to promote me if I had done the same. You would haven't kept me around just for your burnt burgers, right?" She was trying to joke about it, but Josh could see a shred of insecurity remained. The fact that it was directed at her own abilities and not his faith in her prompted him to reveal one of the most spectacular failures of his career.

"I tried to line up something."

"What?"

"After the Inauguration, it looked like… like you might be willing to have me in you life as more than just your boss. So, I tried to… nudge along a job where you wouldn't be passed over because of your missing degree. But I totally loused it up by underestimating my opponent."

"Your opponent?"

"Abby Bartlet."

"You… She…" There was only one job that could involve Abigail Bartlet and the thought was too fantastical for her to even voice.

"Funny how things work out, huh? I figured I'd get Mrs. B so ticked off, she would think she was getting back at me by stealing you away. I hadn't factor on her crossing paths with my ex-girlfriend. After that fiasco, I figured that I better not meddle again. And look what happened. You were offered the exact same position on your own merits, by your own connections. It's a better job too. One you're tailored for. Helen Santos will need someone with media savvy far more than Abigail Bartlet ever would, as well as someone who was skilled in government operations. You'd be setting the pace and calling the shots."

"You think I should take the job?"

"I think you're already intrigued. Let's make some calls tomorrow and see just what it would take for you to complete your degree. That should help you decided one way or another. And as a wise woman advised me, no one said you have to stay if it doesn't turn out to be what you expect."

"Smartass. Are we done now?'

"Well, there is one piece of Sam's advice left that I need to run by you."

"Can't it wait?"

"Absolutely."

.

.

"Sir, can I have a moment?"

"Sure. Come in, Josh. Have a seat," Santos sighed. He really wasn't sure he had the energy to deal with the other man's edginess. But surprisingly, Josh looked calmer than Santos had ever seen him.

"I wanted to let you know, I'm going to go away for a couple weeks."

"Josh, you couldn't have picked a worse time!"

"You don't need me right now. Barry Goodwin is still heading the transition team and Lou is busy staffing Communications, even as we speak. It will effectively be up and running in a few days."

"Are you saying I won't need my chief of staff?"

"No. But, truthfully sir, I'm no longer sure that I'm the man you need for the job."

"Is this about Barry and the Speaker of the House again, because I have to tell you…"

"No, sir, it's not," Josh replied calmly. " Or rather it's because things like what happened with the Speaker of the House and what's happening now with the President, for that matter, will happen again only on a larger scale. It's because they've happened in the past. It's because we've been having this same conversation since New Hampshire. All this would indicate that I am not the form of counsel you need." Santos was speechless. For Josh address their problems in a such a straightforward manner was unexpected.

"Sir," Josh continued in the same reasonable tone. "You have a clear vision for the future of America. Now you need a vision for the future of your administration. Who you choose as your chief of staff is critical to achieving that. I'm not the only one who can do this job. I'm sure Goodwin and the DNC can produce a short list of highly qualified candidates in a matter of hours."

"I'm going to stop you right there, Josh. No one deserved this job more than you do."

"Frankly, sir, if you are only offering me this position because you think you owe it to me, I can think of all lot better ways to show your gratitude that don't involve 20 hour work days and very little time with my wife."

"Josh, you do realize you're not married?" Santos asked mildly. Josh didn't respond, but his mouth twisted into that smirk he'd get when someone said something that was debatable at best. Santos suddenly wondered just how much of Josh's personal life he had missed.

"The point is, sir, you choose the best man for the job. Not because you think he expects it. If I'm not it, you find someone who is. Now, I'm going to take my girlfriend to someplace warm and tropical and try to remember what it's like to function without stress. I've talked to Lou and the President already. They both approve and will be there for you while I'm gone. If you do need me, just call. Otherwise, when I get back, we can discuss what role, if any, you would like me to take in the administration."

"You have to realize that I value your counsel, Josh."

"I hope so, sir, and as long as you want it, you'll have it," he vowed. "But, believe it or not, that has very little to do with what makes a good Chief of Staff. People were surprised when President Bartlet named CJ instead of me. I wasn't. I may have technically been the most qualified, but I was the wrong guy for the job. My temperament is too similar to the President's. Anytime he went off on some noble, but foolhardy objective, I was right there on the ledge next to him. Which was fine. I was his Deputy Chief of Staff. I was allowed to be there. But a Chief of Staff needs to ground the President when that happens and push him when he is not reaching far enough. I would have been fighting my natural instincts just to keep the President in line and no one can work like that. I could only be an effective Chief of Staff to someone who I could balance."

"And you thought I was that guy."

"Sir, when I asked you to run, I wasn't thinking about my future. I was thinking about the country's. I couldn't imagine handing over the White House to a Republican, even one as honest and honorable as Vinick. I couldn't stand the thought of watching the Republicans spend the next four years tearing down everything we had worked to build. After we had that meeting, I realized that the only way to beat the Republicans' best and brightest was to pit him against our own, even if the packaging was a bit unorthodox. I never thought of having any further role other that being the "man with the plan." But when you asked me… When we first met, you reminded me of my best friend, who… compliments me, I guess is the best way to put it. And we do work well together, sir. We got you elected."

A knock door interrupted them, which reveled Ronna.

"Sir, Barry Goodwin is here and, Josh, your 4 o'clock is waiting for you in the conference room," she informed them. At Santos's nod, Josh moved to leave, but abruptly stopped and turned to face him again.

"I chose the right man. Now, you do the same," he charged.

"Josh, may I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"When did you acquire a girlfriend?" Santos asked, clearly perplexed. Josh had to grin. What ever he had been expecting the President-Elect to ask, it wasn't that.

"Depends on who you ask, sir." And with that, he was gone.