Hello Everyone! This is my first attempt at a humor story. In large part it is inspired by "Pranks" by Smenzer in the Star Wars category. I laughed until I cried in many parts, and I hope this is at least half as funny. Rated T to be safe.

**********

Pranks 1: The Computer Prank

"Spock," said Dr. McCoy. "I'm concerned about the Captain. He's been so tense lately. He could use a shore leave but he refuses to take one. I've been trying to get him to loosen up, and I was wondering if you could do the same."

"Doctor, I am a Vulcan. I do not make people 'loosen up.' I do not understand his illogical behavior, and can be of no help."

"Damn it, Spock! We have to do something! Surely your keen Vulcan intellect can comprehend that! Or is humor beyond you? I bet you wouldn't recognize humor if it danced naked in front of you wearing a tea cozy!"

Spock raised an eyebrow in response. "I have no use for humor or dancing tea kettles."

"I knew it! Humor is beyond you, Spock. Just as helping the Captain is beyond you. Well, next time he needs help, I know not to ask you!"

"If you ask me, he is not the only one in a bad mood," mused Spock before he wisely made his escape. Sometimes humans could be so incomprehensible. Exactly 2.5 minutes and 402 steps later, he was back on the bridge, making his way back to his station.

"SPOCK! Where have you been?! There's something on our scanners and you weren't here to analyze it!" demanded the Captain.

"Captain, I was doing my routine physical examination with Dr. McCoy," replied Spock in a somewhat puzzled tone. Now that the doctor had pointed it out, Jim's behavior was even more obviously agitated.

"All right, Mr. Spock. Just get to your job!" snapped the Captain right back.

Spock turned back to his station with a slight frown. Although of course he had no emotions about this, it was admittedly somewhat inefficient on the Captain's part to have his emotions cloud his thinking to the point of making assumptions and forgetting facts. McCoy had said something about getting him to 'loosen up', or see the humorous side of things. Humor that was apparently beyond him. Well, there was nothing the computer couldn't solve. He would ask it tonight in his quarters what humans did to loosen each other up.

4.3 hours later, he sat at his computer console and addressed the computer. "Computer, give me the definition of "loosen up."

"Working. It means to become less tense, less formal, or less restrained and assume a friendlier manner."

"What are common things humans do to loosen each other up?"

"Tell a humorous anecdote or remark intended to provoke laughter. Act in a funny or teasing way. Engage in a ludicrous act done for fun and amusement."

"Give me an example."

"For instance, a prank. You could play a trick on one to make one laugh."

"What kind of trick?"

"There are many kinds of pranks. For instance, computer program pranks, whoopie cushions, the toilet paper roll prank, the - "

"Stop." The young Vulcan paused a moment, thinking. If the negative emotion equaled a certain negative number, and a certain amount of laughter equaled a positive number, then it stood to reason that if he provoked enough laughter out of his captain he would balance out to his normal self. How exactly did one pull a prank? That was a problem. He had the impression it involved some kind of deceit. He couldn't do that. Yet, humans enjoyed it. It was not logical. "Computer, is there a guide to pranking?"

"Yes. There is a PADD in the library. 'Pranks for Dummies.' It will tell you all you need to know."

"I am not a 'dummy.' Therefore it can not be for me. Tell me a PADD I can have."

"You can have this PADD. The term 'Dummy' is part of the joke."

Spock raised his eyebrow. The other one soon joined it, then he sighed lightly. It was all very incomprehensible, but he would try to solve this equation of the Captain's emotions. Without delay he set out and retrieved the correct PADD before sitting back down at his desk.

The first prank had to do with computers. Apparently, one programmed the computer to emit a burping sound at regular intervals on the intended target's computer. The harder it was for the target to get rid of the sound, and the higher the quality of the burp, the better the prank was considered to be. He did not foresee any problems with this prank, as the programming was simple and infecting the Captain's computer with it would be easy. However, he was aware that having his computer burp could be embarrassing for the Captain if someone else was around to believe it was him instead. So he would have to alter the programming so that it would only burp when the Captain was by himself with his computer.

Spock had the program finished within minutes and had it ready to infect the Captain's computer. Now all he needed was the sound. He needed to find the highest quality burp there was. Perhaps if he looked in the Guinness Log of Galactic Records, he would find something. He chose to listen to the audio recordings provided. The most recent record holder emitted a burp so loud, deep and long that he felt sure it could have only been made by a Klingon. He raised his eyebrow when it had finally ended. He was quite sure there was nothing of higher quality. Seconds later, the sound was attached to the program and activated in the Captain's personal computer. Spock hoped this would solve the equation. He would have to observe carefully to see how it all balanced out.

*****

Jim sighed with irritation as he left the bridge. Another boring day. Nothing interesting had happened in the past few weeks and his life was beginning to feel like a boring routine in between mounds of PADD work. Speaking of which, he had to get back on his computer to work on some more PADDs. Just the way he wanted to spend his evening. On days like this, being a Starship Captain just wasn't all it was cracked up to be!

He sat down with another grumpy sigh and started reading on his computer the latest changes in Starfleet Regulations. His eyes glazed over slightly. Watching paint dry would be more entertaining than this. He was in the middle of some minute and inane changes to dress code when a horrendous sound nearly made him fall out of his seat.

"BURP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

His jaw dropped and his eyes bugged out. "What was THAT?!" he wondered out loud to himself with some alarm. That had been quite the atrocious sound. If he didn't know better, he'd say someone had let out the burp of the century. Seconds passed and he heard nothing more. He frowned. Perhaps he was tired and had merely imagined it? Shrugging it off, he went back to reading the paragraph on the altered color code of the Starfleet uniform.

He had just relaxed back into a sleepy stupor when he heard it again and fell out of his chair for real this time.

"BURP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Jim clutched at his wildly beating heart. He was sure he had not imagined it this time! Someone had let out the biggest burp he'd ever heard in his life in close vicinity to him! He was not sure who he knew that would be capable of such a sound. A Klingon, maybe, but he knew for a fact there were none on the ship. Spock would pick it up on his scanners and inform him immediately. What was it, then? He cautiously looked around his quarters. There really weren't many places to hide in his quarters so his search didn't take long. Nothing.

"Hmmmm....what could it be?" He stood there, deep in thought for a minute, before his musings were interrupted yet again.

"BURP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jim jerked around towards the burping sound that seemed to be more of an eruption than anything else. It was coming from his computer! "What in the world....? Why would my computer be burping? And not just burping! That is the biggest, deepest, longest burp I have ever heard in my life! It's like a volcano erupting!"

Jim sat down by the computer's speakers and waited. He wanted to verify one more time that it really was his computer before he took action. Sure enough....

"BURP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" came directly from his computer's speakers.

As his First Officer would say, there was now a logical course of action to take. "Kirk to Computer Programming. I am having a problem with my computer that I am unsure of how to fix."

"Yes, Captain. What seems to be the problem?"

"It's burping."

Laughter erupted on the other end before the connection was cut.

Well. The technician seemed to think he was joking. Oh well, he could always call Spock. He would take him seriously. For the first time, Jim felt appreciative of the fact that his friend did not understand jokes. "Kirk to Spock."

"Spock here," Spock replied. By his estimation, the Captain's computer should have burped four times by now. Was he about to see the result?

"Spock, my computer is burping and I don't know how to get it to stop."

"Captain, computers cannot burp. In order to burp, it would need lungs, vocal chords, the ability to breathe and expel air forcefully - "

"Yes, I know, what I'm saying is, it is apparently playing an audio track at regular intervals of someone burping. And not just burping! It's more like an eruption! I've never heard anything like it, it's monstrous!"

"Would you say it is amusing, Captain?" asked Spock innocently.

"Well, yes, I suppose it would be, if I weren't trying to get work done. Not that reading about the new dress code is all that exciting. Anyway Spock, could you please come down and see what you can do?"

"Yes, Captain, I shall investigate the matter for myself," agreed Spock. He cut the connection and frowned to himself. According to his prank book, the Captain should not be let off that easily. It needed to be more of a struggle to get rid of it, and be on the computer at least a couple hours. No more than a day, however, as the book warned that if a prank was overdone, it would get old and the amusement factor would wane. "A delicate science, this pranking is," he mused to himself as he pressed the buzzer to the Captain's quarters.

"Spock! Thank goodness. It just burped again about fifteen seconds ago. You'll hear it again in a minute or two."

"Yes Captain." So Spock sat down and waited. And waited. And waited. He realized the computer would not burp as long as he was there, because he had programmed it so it would not burp unless the Captain was alone. "Captain. I do not hear the computer burping. Perhaps it is finished?"

Jim glanced up at Spock. For a moment, he thought he caught something strange in his expression. It couldn't be guilt, could it? Never in a million years would Spock have anything to do with anything like this! Shrugging off the feeling, he replied, "Perhaps you're right, Spock. You may go back to your quarters."

Dutifully Spock got up and left. Jim watched him go and went back to work. Now he was reading the updated rules about the materials used for the metal plating on the Starship's exterior. Idly he wondered if they would ever find a substance like his carbomite that would make other ships hesitate to attack. He was lost in his reminiscence of his latest carbomite maneuver when he was jolted out of his thoughts again.

"BURP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Despite himself, he couldn't help but feel faint stirrings of amusement. This was truly a strange problem to have. "Kirk to Spock. My computer has not finished burping."

Spock heard a bit of a laugh in Jim's voice. He had succeeded. "Then I will examine your computer and see if I can get it to stop burping, Captain."

"Very well. Come to my quarters immediately. Kirk out."

Spock once again found himself standing in front of Jim's door. The book had been quite clear that the target of the prank should not know who pranked him. Therefore, he could not tell his Captain that he had infected his computer with the sound. He entered and sat at Jim's desk when Jim gestured to do so. Within seconds he found the program. "I have found the problem, Captain. It seems that your computer was infected with a program that played the recording of the record holder for the best burp from the Guinness Log of Galactic Records. It was set to play at selected intervals, but only when you were alone. Therefore, that it why it would not play for me."

"I wouldn't doubt it was the record holder! You should have heard it, Spock! But who in the world would infect my computer with that program? And why?"

"Unknown, Captain. However, it does seem to fall under the strange human custom sometimes referred to as a 'prank.' I do not believe it was malicious."

"A prank?" Jim considered this. "Well, no harm done, Spock. Thanks for fixing it. Have a good night."

"Good night, Jim," said Spock. He turned to go. Now he would observe and see if that had set things back into balance. If not, he would need to consult that prank book again for another idea.

As Jim sank into his pillows that night, his last sleepy thoughts were, "I wonder what that Klingon ate that made him burp so big."

**********

I hope that was funny! I do have more pranking ideas and hope to come out with several more chapters.