Author's Note: First of and foremost, this little (little? psh...yeah right.) goes to Bella'sExecutioner. She wrote me a lovely, fuck-awesome oneshot about me and Alec. It was one of the greatest things I've ever gotten for my birthday. So now I return the favor, writing a oneshot turned fic about a man who falls into another world. Welcome to the crossover of Twilight and the Army of Darkness. Now, if you haven't seen AoD then everything is fine because this story is hardly anything like it. I have a way of changing things up, quite a lot actually.

Special thanks goes to IChimpz who's been my muse and supporter during this thing that's still not finished. :) And also to my girls on skype, plus Chip..and Leon? I don't really count Leon, though. And to the people on twitter. Twitter people are the best.

Tip: The random italics are when things are back in present day. He's telling a story with two morons who need to question things.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, but I guess Ashward is mine. And this fucked up plot.

Warning: I'll swallow your soul!

Without further ado, I present you with a totally OOC/Parody/Humor/Crossover/Action-thingy.

It's sure to bring you some Bonefied Lovin' ;)

I am going to seriously spontaneously combust if those ugly ass kids keep looking at me. I'd never seen so much curls and curves on a chick before. She was like a fucking hybrid between a poodle and a prostitute; not a pretty image. And the guy? Do not get me started, please, I beg you. But anyways. They were eye raping me like two molesters who've just gotten out of an isolation cell and were free to probe me with whatever torture sex toys they had on them. The girl had dark hair that floated around her – it kinda looked like a nest. I wondered if any birds were in there.

Or bugs.

Gross.

But hey, bugs are a helluva lot better than a werewolf in heat.

Trust me.

And the guy - he looked like a bloated teenager surrounded by a wall of desperation and virginity. He was a strange shade of tan. It wasn't normal. Almost as if he dyed his skin a blotchy yellow-orange color. It was like he had gotten hugged by a cheese monster or some fucking make believe shit like that. Clearly this guy didn't know the difference between rinse and repeat. He looked like a hobo, just a little more rich.

Whoever these two ugly fuckers were, they were staring at me.

I do not like to be ogled at.

You wouldn't either if you were standing in front of ruthless and hungry vampires just waiting for a fresh neck to sink their teeth into.

I shudder at the thought.

But damn, I'd give anything to rip a cold, non-beating heart out.

It wasn't like I never had before.

Oh, how I loved her. Plus she was great in bed.

Where was I? Oh, yes. The fuglies and their stares.

I took a sip off my beer and set it down, hard enough to break it. But I didn't because I have control. I glared at the two, well, I'm not sure that's possible nowadays. Basically I narrowed my eye at them. It was the only one I had. Damn werewolf and its pussy ass clawing. Bastard got away with my eye, but that was all.

I nodded my chin at the two and then at the empty seats beside me. Their eyes widened. Boy were they slow. I motioned them over with my hand; they quickly yet very slowly came to where I was.

"Do you have a problem?" I asked them rudely. Well – I wasn't going to do it nicely.

The girl shook her head and the boy quickly did the same. He was whipped with a capital w-chh. Sucks for him. Letting a girl put that pretty little diamond studded collar on you is when you know that you have officially became an pet, not a person. Bastards and their needs to get fucked. If the girl wants you to hold her purse and be all romantic, and you're willing to do what she wants first is just…wrong. Men need to take charge. They need to be Alpha males. Not these prissy little punks that just want a glimpse at a side boob. Disgusting pervs. Too bad I'm one of them, but at least I have the decency to make the girl chase me – not the other way around.

I turned my attention back to the two. Seriously. In order for me to see completely I have to turn my head into certain directions.

It's fucking lame having one eye.

"Actually, me and my boyfriend wanted to know –" I held up my hand and cut her off. I knew what they wanted. I knew what they all wanted. It's never every day you see a young man with an eye patch. It wasn't every day you saw a man randomly carrying a shotgun around attached to an awe (don't worry, I got a permit). I made people curious; entranced. I was like a mother fucking unicorn shitting a rainbow.

Story short - I was fucking incredible.

Yeah, I have an ego too. What did you expect? A fucking emo who was full of haunting memories and cried to his mommy over the phone? No, never. In fact, I didn't have a mom. I poisoned her with my illnesses and eventually she gave up and touched God's hand. If there was even a God. I didn't believe in one, fuck, I didn't even believe in the devil.

I just believed in life and death; that was it. That's all there was. Well, that and sadistic demons and mythical creatures. Don't forget sex, lots and lots of sex. And booze. And money. And music.

"So," I said to the two, kicking my feet up on the table. "You want to know my life story?"

The girl sat down, pulling her little puppy dog alongside her.

"Yeah, that would be-"

The boyfriend cut her off and grumbled, "Awesome."

I grabbed my carton of Camel's out of my shirt pocket and pulled out a cigarette. I placed it between my lips and flipped open my lighter, letting the hot flame give me all the release a horny man would ever need. One puff on that smoke and I was at peace. I blew a large circle of smoke into the direction of the two.

"Are you sure you want to know?" I asked them.

They both nodded, eyes wide like I was mother fucking Santa Clause about to give them their Barbie Dolls and racing cars.

I took a large inhale. "It all happened a month ago. It was a dark night full of romance and love…"

-:-

"When did you become such a romantic? Or are you just trying to get into my pants?" Rosalie asked me as we pulled up to my parent's cabin.

"Your pants, of course," I joked. She smiled at me and rolled her eyes.

"Look, I told you. No sex until our honeymoon," she said to me as we began to unpack the car. I felt myself groan like a child and pout.

"I can't wait that long!"

She stared at me in shock. "We're getting married in two days. You can wait."

"Grah!" I screamed as I pulled her into me, kissing her hard on the mouth. She pulled away, a wicked and smug smile on her lips.

"Don't even think about it mister," she stated as she walked inside.

"You're not that good with women, are you?" the brunette asked. I snapped my head into her direction.

"Just so you know women love me," I retorted with a wink from my good eye.

The boyfriend snorted, "Full of yourself much?"

I turned my eye on him, taking a sip off my fresh beer. "Why do you think your lady over there came over here?" The boy swallowed hard and turned his head to the Prostoodle. She was blushing badly.

We made ourselves comfortable inside the small cabin. Rosalie was constantly rearranging dust covered furniture, pictures, and knick-knacks. It was maddening to watch. Here we were. The both of us. Alone. In a cabin. In the middle of nowhere. And all she cared about was making the place look neat.

"Rose, baby?" I crooned.

"Edward, baby?" she mocked.

"Can we please do something a little more fun?"

She sighed and wiped her hands on her jeans.

"I suppose we can. I brought movies," she said to me.

"What type of movies?" I asked, both my eyebrows rose and I smiled widely at her.

She breathed in disgust. "You're a perv, you know that?"

"That's why you love me," I stated.

I got stuck watching some fucking lame-ass chick flick that put Rosalie in tears. Here she was crying with the sadness when she should have been crying for mercy in that unoccupied bed across the hall.

"I was bored out of my mind and decided to flee from the waterworks, making my way down to the study." I took a large sip from my beer, knowing I'd need to be fucked up in order to make it to the end of this tale.

The two stared at me, waiting. I eyed them both, unsure if all of this would even be worth my damn time.

"That's when I found it."

The boy's eyes grew wide; stupid. "Found what?"

Why don't you let me finish the fucking story so you can find out? I thought to myself, just begging to say it to him. But I didn't for some odd fucking reason.

Once in the darkened room full of books and only books, well, if you don't count the shelves and pictures and whatnot, there was a desk that was covered in beige papers and dust, but that wasn't what made me go towards it.

There was some type of black capsule on it. I'm a grabby-hand type of person so of course I wasn't just going to ignore it. I picked it up, feeling the crevasses and bumps on it. Clearly they were intentional and supposed to be there. They had to be markings of some sort. Maybe even a different language, fuck, I didn't know. There was a latch on it, clearly it opened something. I held the small yet wide tube in my left hand and snapped it open.

That's when some weird David Copperfield shit happened.

Thunder rolled through the skies and the power shut off. Fog or smoke leaked from the tube and spilled over, filling the entire room. I should have dropped the tube, but I was curious. How the fuck could a piece of plastic do this?

Rosalie's scream had me jumping five feet in the year, along with the sound of glass shattering. I ran out of the room, tube in hand (like I'm going to leave it, come on), and the other one feeling the darkness in front of me.

"Rose!" I called out.

I walked into the living room, feeling the stab of cold wind hit my face. A strike of lighting lit the room, letting me see the broken window, the glass, the red, and even a strand of blonde.

Someone had taken her. Or…something.

I felt the tube grow hot in my hand, mostly because of the worry I had flying through me.

"Fuck!" I shouted. My first plan: look for Rose. My second: get the power and my third; well…..possibly... jack off in the shower. Depends.

Out I went. Out into the coldness, the wind, the rain. But I wasn't going to go out with a weapon – I wasn't fucking retarded. The first thing I did was grab an axe from the trunk and a flashlight. There were no trails that could possible lead me to where she was.

That fucking sucked.

I was no cop. No beagle. I was just a horny guy with an axe.

"So? Did you find her?" the chick asked.

I snorted. "What the fuck do you think? Something busted a window to get her! She was gone. I even knew that, but I wasn't going to go without making an attempt to find her. I'm an asshole but I'm not a dick."

"Didn't know there was a difference," the boy-toy muttered.

I turned my head into his direction. He seemed to grow smaller suddenly.

"Anyways. I gave up about ten minutes later and went back inside. With the power on I could finally see what that tube was about without any interruptions…"

Once inside the cabin, I made my way to the couch where I sat down. I ignored the glass and blood; I could clean it up later. I peeked my eye into the tube, probably stupid thing to do, but curiosity killed the cat right? I saw something yellowish in it. I stuck my index finger in it, rubbing against something rough. I reached in and pulled something out. Paper of sorts. Actually, it was more like construction paper. It was rolled up like a scroll.

I un-rolled it, reveling a bunch of squiggles. Clearly they were words, just written in some type of language I didn't understand. I wasn't sure what it could be, but at the bottom were names. I couldn't read them that well, it was written in cursive – I couldn't read cursive. It was a shame really, but we all had our problems.

But out of the whole thing there was only one word I could decipher.

"Morte," I read out loud. That's when the David Copperfield shit happened again. The lighting and thunder went off in sync and it was like some horror movie. I had a sudden feeling that Dracula or Frankenstein were going to pop out of a closet and scare that shit out of me.

Nah, that didn't happen. But what did happen? Something evil. I never saw it as a figure or a being, more of a presence; a ghost, a shadow. It watched me and I was becoming a paranoid freak. I spent three days straight in that cabin. I was out of food by the second day. I stayed in the study. I only ever went out to grab all the food and to occasionally use the bathroom.

It was coming for me like it came for Rosalie. When? I wasn't sure. But I'd be ready. Hopefully.

-:-

Midnight.

It came.

It came with a fierce hunger and the need to fuck me for all that I had to give. I didn't even have a chance to fight back. The wall behind me ripped from its existence and spit it back up into a million pieces. It dragged out the books. It dragged out all my trash from the food I had eaten.

It was a mother fucking black hole.

I didn't even get a chance to hold on to anything. It sucked me up like a drunken teenager trying to satisfy her frat boyfriends needs to be fucked.

I entered blackness and felt as if my insides were about to be torn out of me, after all wasn't that supposed to happen when you get sucked into a black hole? You get chopped up into a million pieces? Well, I went in as I was and came out the same. The landing hurt like a bitch. You try dropping for a wormhole and then land on the hard ground and not tell me that you'd rather have a horse's dick up your ass.

To Be Continued...