That Boy is Trouble

Disclaimer: JK Rowling and Time Warner own Harry Potter, I don't. Please don't sue.

Set during the summer before Fifth Year...

Given Harry's stamina, it would not be a surprise if he had his way with Narcissa (and she with him) for several hours. With this in mind, Minerva, Poppy, and Aurora returned to Hogwarts Castle through the Floo, to report a successful mission to Dumbledore in his office.

"Wonderful news, wonderful," Dumbledore said with a smile. "I am gratified to hear that things are happening in our favor."

"Yes! It's an unusual feeling, Albus, and I dearly hope I will get used to it," Minerva said primly.

"And what of Harry? How is he?" Dumbledore asked.

"Very well off, Headmaster," reported Poppy with a smile. "He and Mrs. Mal... Ms. Black have hit it off. Miss Granger is seeing to many of the details."

"Excellent," Dumbledore said, leaning back in his chair. "I must admit, Minerva, I had some... Reservations but you have handled this situation as well as you've handled the school in my absence."

Pomphrey and Aurora managed to repress smirks. Minerva managed to resist the urge to hex them into next week as she kept a pleasant smile on her lips.

"Thank you Albus."

"Though I do have one question," Dumbledore said, raising a finger as he stood up. Minerva tried to keep her body language neutral, while Aurora stiffened and Pomphrey eyed the ceiling.

"Yes?"

"The Weasleys were invited to the will reading, were they not?" Dumbledore asked, pacing to the fireplace. That particular memory shot right to the front of Minerva's mind, and her eyes widened.

"Yes... And they didn't show," Minerva said.

"Very unusual," Dumbledore pointed out unnecessarily. "Shall we?" He asked as he threw some floo into the fireplace.

Minerva nodded. "Of course."

"Poppy, Aurora, would you come as well?" Albus asked. The two younger women nodded, and all four stepped into the fireplace, one after the other with the words "The Burrow" on their lips.

When they arrived... It seemed they'd fallen into a madhouse.

Mrs. Weasley was at the kitchen door, beating several grasping hands with a rolling pin. Fred and George were throwing pots and pans out the windows, Percy was breaking a chair down into pieces and adding them to a pile of debris his father was chucking out the window, Ginny was frantically flipping through a book that seemed to be made of human skin, and Ron was nowhere to be seen.

"Dumbledore! Thank Merlin!" Cried Molly, as loud, horrible moaning seemed to fill the house from all sides. "We've got a zombie siege on our hands!"

"Oh dear," Dumbledore said. "Haven't you tried magic?"

"We did! But the spell Ginny here cast that brought them up rendered them essentially immune to it!" Arthur said, scowling back at Ginny. The redheaded girl gulped and kept flipping through the book.

"I didn't know this would happen! The spell seemed totally harmless!"

"It raises the dead as flesh eating zombies, how could that possibly be harmless?" Percy shrieked at her. Ginny, disgusted, shoved the book in Percy's hands and picked up a chair leg.

"Fine, Mr. Smarty Pants! You look for the counter spell, I'll go be useful!" Ginny ran to a window where a zombie was forcing it's arm through. She smashed it over the head with the chair leg, and kicked him in the face. "TAKE THAT!"

Minerva and Poppy just looked at each other, and sighed. Aurora cleared her throat.

"Um... Question. Where is Ronald?"

"We sent him out in the car to get help!" Cried Molly. "Oh my poor baby, where could he be?"

The answer to that question came in the form of the roar of an engine. Minerva ran to one of the windows that didn't have a zombie blocking it, and spied the infamous Ford Anglia charging through the hordes of undead, flattening them or kicking them up over the roof. The car eventually crashed through the front door, depositing a still twitching zombie on the kitchen floor. Molly gaped, as Ron kicked open the door and came out with a grin.

"Hey everyone! Sorry I'm a little late. Didja know that in Muggle money gold is really-"

"Ronald Billius Weasley! Show some respect to our guests!" Molly shouted.

"It is a bit rude, son," Arthur contributed. Ron stared at Dumbledore, Minerva, Poppy and Aurora in bewilderment, and stammered out a greeting.

"Uh, h-h-hello Professors. Welcome to our home... Bit of a nuthouse, isn't it?"

"That would be putting it lightly, Mr. Weasley," Minerva said wryly.

"DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO HELP OR NOT?" Ginny shrieked.

"Oh! Right!" Ron said. He looked to the passenger seat of the car. "Luna?"

A slim, graceful looking girl slid out of the car, holding up a Muggle shotgun. "Right here, Ronald," she said, handing the weapon over to Ron. Ron nodded and grinned, turning and taking aim with the weapon as a zombie squeezed into the house.

"Watch! It's just point, click-" BOOM! The zombie's head vanished in a blast of blood, bone and brain matter. It slumped over. George and Fred watched this in awe, and then grinned simultaneously.

"Got any more?" They asked.

"Several!" Ron enthused. "Luna was just looking through the local gun store for a story!"

"I wished to know if Muggle guns were really forged by dwarves as a means of maintaining the balance of power with the goblins," Luna said calmly. She pointed a handgun behind herself and fired several times, bringing down another zombie. "My research is a bit inconclusive, but Ronald is very willing to assist me in further investigation."

"Ronald Billius Weasley! You're saying you went and bought a load of Muggle guns to fight off zombies with?" Molly demanded. Ron blinked.

"Well... Yeah?"

"Good boy!" Molly said cheerfully, taking a shotgun herself and pointing it in the face of another undead monstrosity. "I was a little concerned about you, but here you are, bringing home guns and a car and a girl all on the same day!"

BOOM!

"Oh bother, it's very messy," Molly said while making a face.

"I'm very proud of you, son," Arthur said with a smile, patting him on the shoulder. Ron grinned back.

"Thanks Dad!"

"WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME?" Ginny screamed, as a zombie tried to yank her out of the house by her hair. Luna rushed over and slashed the monster's arm off with a machete.

"Oh... Wow... Thanks Luna," Ginny panted.

"You're welcome," Luna said with a smile.

"How can I repay you?" She asked eagerly. Luna hummed, and her smile widened as she handed Ginny the machete.

"You can join my harem. Ron's already going to be in it, as are the Twins but I thought I'd ask you first since we're best friends."

"Hahaha, sure Luna, anything you say!" Ginny laughed, patting her friend on the back. "Now, let's go kick some arse!"

"Wonderful," Luna said. "This will make things much easier."

"Language, Ginny!" Molly called, pumping lead into multiple zombies.

"Sorry Mum!" Ginny called back.

"Ah... Do you require any assistance?" Dumbledore asked, very confused.

"I think we'll be fine as soon as Percy deciphers the counter-spell!" Arthur called back, as the Ford Anglia pulled out of the kitchen and drove around, running over zombies. "Percy! How are you doing on that?"

"I think I can figure it out soon enough," Percy said.

Dumbledore pointed over Percy's shoulder at the necessary spell. The officious Weasley youth smiled gratefully up at him.

"Oh, thank you Professor! Yes! I've got it, it'll just take a few minutes to cast!"

"Then I guess we take this outside!" Arthur said, as Ron quickly explained how to load the gun with more ammo. "Good! All set? All right! TALLY HO!" He cried, charging out the ruined kitchen door.

"WAIT FOR ME, ARTHUR!" Molly yelled, right behind her husband with a shotgun in one hand and her rolling pin in the other.

"FOR GRYFFINDOR!" Bellowed Ron, Fred, George and Ginny as they rushed out.

"FOR MY HAREM!" Luna cried, following close behind.

As the Weasley family threw itself wholeheartedly into eliminating the undead menace, the visitors to the Burrow stared in some bewilderment.

"... I need a drink," Minerva decided.

"Me too," Aurora said with a shake of her head.

"Me three," Dumbledore admitted, much to the surprise of the others. Pomphrey sighed.

"Whiskey's in the hospital wing, and please? Leave me the bottle..."

Harry awoke slowly, blinking away sleep that stuck to his eyes. The world was a blur above him, but from the warm, feminine weight on top of him and the silk sheets against his back he deduced he was in a bed with a naked, unconscious woman on top of him.

Not an unexpected development, but a pleasant one all the same. He groped around for his glasses. When that didn't work, he groped for his wand and soon closed his fingers around the instrument in question.

"Accio glasses," he muttered, and a moment later his glasses shot into his hand. He pulled them on, and was granted the privilege of seeing a sleeping, drooling Narcissa Black on top of him, a peaceful smile on her face. He was right-She was very pretty looking without that scowl.

His stomach rumbled, and his bladder complained. Harry grimaced, and very slowly, reluctantly pulled away from her. She sighed in her sleep and cuddled up to a pillow instead, as Harry got out of the bed and examined his new surroundings.

He was in a cool, tastefully decorated bedroom with black curtains covering up tall windows, and a warm scarlet carpet decorating the floor. He found a robe lying on a chair, and pulled it on. He left, giving one last look at Narcissa before opening the door to search for a loo.

Where the heck am I? He thought, quite naturally. His last thought was of riding the former Mrs. Malfoy until she passed out in that classroom. He'd followed soon after, and frowned as the outside corridor gave him no more clues to where he was than before.

Suits of armor, paintings, a gawping Draco, black curtains... Harry trailed off and looked at Draco. The Malfoy scion looked even paler than usual, and was staring at him in a mask of horror and disbelief.

Harry stared back, and the two stood there in silence for a while... Before Harry spoke.

"So... Does this mean I'm your new daddy?"

Man, I never know what to say. Sure wish Hermione was here...

Draco twitched, his hand reaching into his robes for his wand...

"Stupefy!" Cried a familiar female voice, and a flash of red later Draco was face down on the floor eating carpet. Hermione rushed up, wearing only a towel, giving Harry a scowl through her wet hair.

"Really Harry?"

"Well... It was the first thing to come to mind," Harry admitted sheepishly. "How did you get here?"

"Magical contract, I'd imagine," Hermione said. "You can summon me in cases of negotiations and so forth..."

"That sounds more than a little farfetched," Harry admitted.

"Harry, it's magic," Hermione emphasized. "Remember? And why exactly would I be showering in Malfoy Manor?"

"Without me? Haven't a clue," Harry admitted. Hermione flushed, and hit his shoulder with a little grin.

"Prat!"

"Yeah yeah," Harry said. "Anyway, um... About this whole contract thing-"

"Oh relax Harry," Hermione said with a smile. "I've taken care of everything, really."

"You-You have?" Harry asked, blinking rapidly.

"Of course! It's me, right?" Hermione scoffed. "Essentially as your legal counsel, any negotiations, contracts or business agreements you enter into involving Ms. Black have me as your advisor. I'm entitled to 25 percent of the profits and have final authority on many different... Er... Negotiations."

"That's... A lot of power you have over me," Harry said. He frowned suspiciously. "Hermione, exactly what kind of transactions are we talking about?"

Hermione looked to the side. "Er... Well..."

"Hermione," Harry said warningly. Hermione looked back, sighed, and opened up her towel. Harry stared.

"You don't want to ask me any more questions," Hermione said in a smooth, silky voice. "Except how hard I want to get shagged... These aren't the droids you're looking for..."

"I have seen that movie, Hermione," Harry said flatly, though he didn't look away. Hermione pouted and closed her towel back up.

"Oh, fine... She's willing to give us information and assistance if you... Er..."

"Shag her rotten?" Harry asked, tilting his head. Hermione nodded, shrugging a bit.

"Yeah, pretty much... Among other things..."

"Are they sexy things?" Harry asked. Hermione stared at him with a wry smile.

"Well, considering how you two got along, what do you think?"

"I'm thinking this is looking better and better," Harry said with a broad grin. "Er... So... Miss Granger," he said, looking her up and down. "Would you care to enter into some... Aggressive negotiations?"

Hermione hummed thoughtfully, and then dropped the towel. She grinned at him.

"Of course, Mr. Potter... But only under my terms. To wit..." She flipped Draco over onto his side, and laid down in his line of vision with a grin.

"Shag me in front of Malfoy."

Harry blinked rapidly several times. "... Best girlfriend ever."

"Legal counsel too, don't forget," Hermione reminded him.

"That too," Harry said, as he pounced. Just before they got into the heavy business, however...

"Hermione?"

"Ahhh... Yes Harry?"

"Does this mean that every woman I have sex with will be part of these arrangements?"

"... Er... Don't think too hard about it, Harry."

"Hermione," Harry said warningly.

"For God's sake Harry, I'm a wet, horny and willing girl you love lying right in front of you who enjoys you shagging her in front of Draco Malfoy while he's helpless to do anything about it! What do you need, an engraved invitation?"

"So, less thinking, more shagging?"

"YES!"

"... When did we switch roles-"

"Stop asking questions and do me!"

"Yes ma'am!"

In the end, the repercussions of Harry's romps with the lonely neighbors were felt far and wide. Sirius Black and Remus Lupin had a drinking contest with Tonks that ended with them all going on Top Gear in the year 2012. How this is possible is difficult to determine but clearly booze and Sirius's poor judgement were both involved. Sirius humped the Stig in dog form, Remus wore goggles and made an ass of himself, and Tonks nearly killed James May by glomping him.

Emmeline and Hestia went bowling with Moody, which ended in disaster when Moody substituted his Engorged eye for a ball. There were many survivors who wished they were otherwise. Emmeline and Hestia made bail but Moody failed to and had to be bailed out by Dumbledore much later.

Dumbledore would wake up in Magic France with a hangover and a prize for winning First Place at a local battle of the bands. Minerva and Poppy went streaking at the Holyhead Harpies Nude Quidditch Charity game, which they took in stride over the following school year and even accepted a few modeling opportunities. Aurora found herself in Colorado, waking up in the bed of some Yankee archaeology named Daniel Jackson, with whom she's tried to stay in contact.

Snape would recover from his tremendous psychological trauma, but would write several letters to the voice actresses of Misato Katsuragi. They were returned with a restraining order each and Snape's depression has only grown worse.

Hermione Granger became quite the "negotiator" for Harry's affairs, and also his business transactions.

The Weasleys all survived their encounter with the Deadite Uprising and were able to pay for the repairs to their house by selling the tale in the Muggle and Wizarding worlds. It became a hit in the Wizarding world but would become the basis for the revival of the Of the Dead film series so needless to say it was a mixed bag.

Ronald Weasley entered a Rally car race with Luna as his navigator and would successfully place first with his loyal little Ford Anglia, after getting lost a record two thousand times. He would cheerfully recount his exciting summer to Harry, his best friend, who was very happy that for once his summer had been relatively quiet.

Luna was not kidding about her Weasley harem.

Ginny was happy to learn being part of Luna's Harem did not mean she couldn't also have relations with Harry, though negotiations with Hermione were a tad heated. Not that anyone minded.

After much deliberation, compromise candidate Vermin Supreme was elected the new Minister of Magic in a landslide. Despite the fact he was later found to not be a Wizard at all despite his mad dress sense, but in fact a Muggle hobo, he was allowed to finish out his term after restoring prosperity and security, opening Britain to foreign investment, and starting a project to seek out the extradimensional pony kingdom of Equestria. So far, there has been no success.

The various women Harry was involved with over the summer continued to be involved with him until he left for Hogwarts yet again in the fall, where Hermione used her new position to manage many, many negotiations between Harry and members of the opposite sex in multiple houses for intelligence, support, and other kinds of trade. Pansy Parkinson in particular became a veritable gold mine of information and other helpful resources. Unfortunately, not all of them got faulty pregnancy tests... Though Harry would not learn about this until the following summer.

Draco Black, despite his rage, was forbidden from harming Harry by his mother. He dutifully and grudgingly obeyed, due to being an absolute mama's boy. His fainting spells would become a regular occurrence, especially when Narcissa smugly told him he would soon have a new baby sister.

Dolores Umbridge and Cornelius Fudge would find themselves in Azkaban, sharing a cell with the infamous Death Buggerers.

The Crabbes and Goyles would make out like bandits in the economic boom following Vermin Supreme's election and the Seniors enjoyed positions as cabinet advisors to the minister. The Juniors continued to play their parts around Draco, but were able to speak more freely thanks to Draco's fainting spells.

And as for the Dark Wizard who marked Harry Potter as his equal...

"Uh, Master?" Wormtail asked, looking around the beach with a flush to his pale cheeks. "Are you sure we should be out in the open like this?"

"Quite sure, Wormtail," Lord Voldemort spoke, laying back on a sunchair as the sun beat down upon his bleach white body. "Muggles are foolishly accommodating, after all." He gestured to several nude French beauties sunning themselves nearby. "This, I feel, will be quite beneficial to me before we begin our war against Dumbledore."

"But Master, we've heard nothing from Lucius or any of the other Death Eaters," Wormtail said worriedly, feeling increasingly uncomfortable in only sandals. "What if trouble has occurred?"

"Wormtail," Voldemort growled, pulling down his sunglasses. "I'm quite sure that everything will be prepared for my arrival when we get back."

"Y-Yes Master," Wormtail squeaked.

"Now," Voldemort spoke, replacing his sunglasses. "Go frolic. Your nudity offends me."

"Yours isn't doing much for me either," Wormtail muttered, stalking off in a huff. Voldemort smirked and relaxed, enjoying the sun as a snake would sunning on a rock in the desert.

"Ah... Nothing can possibly go wrong now," he hissed.

THE END

Not what you were expecting? Probably not. But at least you can't say I didn't finish it.

Phew. It's been a long road but finally, this story is done. Is it perfect? Hell no. But was it fun? Hell yes.

I might return down Harry Potter's way someday, but for now, I have new pursuits in fanfiction. Still, what kind of an author would I be if I left my readers hanging forever? A lousy one, that's who.

And of course, if anyone thinks they can do better, consider "That Boy is Trouble" an open sandbox. Or my Harry and Pansy lemon to be a continuation, as I intend to add more onto that story in the future too.

So thanks again for reading. Hope you had a blast.

~Andrew J. Talon