Morning came all too soon, and with it came rain. Roll call still commenced, and the prisoners eyed the gray clouds as they stood in line. The falling rain was light and intermittent, but they knew that it could quickly change into a downpour.

Klink came out of his office with an umbrella as Schultz counted the prisoners. "Repooooooort!" he shouted as he approached.

"All prisoners are accounted for!" Schultz exclaimed, as the raindrops went plink on his helmet.

"Good!" Klink replied. "You'll all be happy to know, that in light of the rain—and because I am a generous and fair Kommandant—I hereby cancel the work detail that you prisoners were supposed to do today!"

Some of the men cheered.

"What work detail, Colonel?" Hogan asked, puzzled.

"The one that you did not know about until now, Hogan," Klink replied.

*HONK!*

Klink looked around at the odd sound.

Hogan shot Newkirk a look, and the Englishman loudly coughed and cleared his throat to cover up the sound. "Sorry, sir, I think I'm catchin' a cold."

Klink looked at him oddly.

Newkirk coughed again, and Hogan spoke up. "Can we go back inside, Colonel? This rain isn't going to help him."

Klink nodded. "Disssssmissed!"

The prisoners headed towards their barracks, and Schultz ducked under Klink's umbrella. "How nice that was of you, Herr Kommandant, to cancel their work detail!"

Klink smiled. "There was no detail, Schultz."

The guard frowned. "You made it up? Why?"

Klink rolled his eyes. "Dummkopf!" he muttered, heading back towards his office.

Hogan and the others quickly filed back inside Barracks Two, where they found what they expected: Unger had come up from the tunnel.

"Are ya tryin' ta get everyone killed?!" Newkirk exclaimed. "Klink heard that!"

"I'm sorry!" Unger replied. "I didn't realize it until it was too late!"

"What are you doing?!" LeBeau suddenly exclaimed.

Everyone suddenly noticed that Unger was stirring the contents of the pot on the woodstove.

"Oh!" said Unger. "I smelled your porridge from down in the tunnel, and I came up to see if I could assist you in your endeavor!"

"My 'endeavor'?"

Unger nodded, still stirring. "It started out well, but you didn't put enough sugar or cinnamon—"

"I wasn't finished yet!"

Unger nodded. "That's all right, I added them myself. Here, taste!" he said, removing the spoon and holding it out.

LeBeau's face turned red. "Vous trompez!" he shouted. "Je suis un chef de cuisine français! Ne pas essayer de me dire comment cuisiner!"*

Unger threw the spoon back into the pot and dashed over to the bunks, hitting the latch and practically diving into the tunnel.

Newkirk smiled ear-to-ear. "Louie, that was bloody marvelous! Ya gave 'im the what-for!"

"What did you say to him?" Carter asked.

"That I am a French chef and not to tell me how to cook. The nerve!" LeBeau said. "The nerve of that swine!" He looked into the pot and stirred it, before taking out the spoon, sniffing the contents, and giving a tentative lick. His eyebrows shot up. "Humm…not bad."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Felix stayed in the tunnel after that.

The day passed slowly and it continued to rain, dampening many a prisoner's spirits, as well as the landscape.

Newkirk looked at his watch for the hundredth time, as nightfall approached.

"Gin!"

The Englishman looked at the table to see Carter's cards laid out. "On a winnin' streak, are we?"

Carter smiled. "Sure am, as long as you keep looking at your watch instead of the cards!"

Hogan, looking out the window, heard them. "Kinch, why don't you radio London and see if the sub will arrive on schedule?"

"Right, Colonel."

"An' find out why it's so quiet down there," Newkirk said, half-joking. "As much as I'm enjoyin' it, it seems a mite suspicious."

Kinch rolled his eyes and went into the tunnel. Not one minute later, his head popped out of the bunk. "Newkirk, LeBeau," he said. "You have to see this."

Immediately, all four men rushed over and climbed into the tunnel.

"Here's the reason for the quiet," said Kinch, leading them into the second room.

The Stalag Six escapees were calmly playing cards or reading books…while Unger sat, tied to a chair, with a gag in his mouth.

"Carter, quick!" Newkirk exclaimed. "Go get your camera!"

Hogan sighed. "Guys…" he said, going over to Unger and untying him, after removing the gag.

"That was not a nice thing to do!" Unger spat. "What have I done to any of you? What? Tell me!"

"You drive us insane!" one of the escapees said.

"We would never have let you come with us if we hadn't been threatened!" another man said.

"Threatened?" Hogan asked.

"When we planned our escape, the guys who weren't coming told us that if we didn't take Unger, they'd snitch on us."

The men of Stalag Thirteen were shocked…but then again, not.

"They did?" Unger asked.

His voice sounded so forlorn that his fellow escapees hesitated.

Unger sighed and closed his eyes. "Everywhere I go, I drive the people around me utterly mad! Why am I like this? Why?" He stood up from the chair with a look of resolve on his face. "From this moment on!" he said, raising a hand with his finger pointing up into the air. "I am a new man! No more will I regard cleanliness to be more important than the rest of humanity!" He turned to the men from Stalag Six, and stuck out his hand. "Hi! I'm Felix Unger! Nice to meet you!" he said, shaking each of their hands.

Some of the men chuckled.

Unger then looked at the men of Stalag Thirteen, and deliberately headed over to Newkirk, sticking out his hand.

Newkirk looked at him as if he were insane.

Hogan elbowed him, so Newkirk reluctantly shook Unger's hand.

"Felix Unger's the name! What's yours?"

"Ya already—"

*poke*

"Peter Newkirk."

"Aha! Nice name! So very British!"

"An' yours is so bloody German," Newkirk mumbled under his breath.

Hogan rolled his eyes. "Why don't we get ready to go? The sub will be here before we know it…"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Felix was on his best behavior as they crept through the woods. He didn't say a word, or make a single sound…making Hogan wonder if Newkirk and Carter had exaggerated the events of that night.

A sudden huge crash sounded, and they all turned to see Unger sprawled on the ground.

Kinch shook his head and hauled him to his feet with one yank.

"Sorry!" Unger said.

"Shhhh!" everyone replied.

"Okay, okay!" Unger said, softer, but not soft enough. "I just wanted to say sor—"

"SHHHHH!"

"I heard y—"

Newkirk clamped his hand over Unger's mouth.

No, they didn't exaggerate, Hogan thought.

The rest of the walk went more smoothly, and soon, they'd reached the designated spot, and Carter used a flashlight to send their signal.

The sub's periscope wasn't visible in the darkness, but seconds later, the huge underwater vehicle had surfaced. Hogan watched as a dinghy was launched to the shore, before he grabbed the arms of two of the men. "You two, run and don't look back, no matter what you might hear."

The men gave him an apprehensive look at his words, but nodded.

Hogan and his men looked around as well as they were able to in the dark, and didn't spot anything immediately suspicious. "Go," he said.

The two men dashed off.

Unger and the others held their breath, as if expecting to hear gunfire, but the two men arrived safely, and they all sighed with relief.

Hogan sent four others in sets of two, deliberately leaving Unger for last, should he somehow cause a commotion and reveal their location.

The others made it to the sub without complication, and everyone looked at Unger.

"What?" he said.

Hogan sighed. "Your turn. Do exactly what the others did." He looked at the other remaining man, as if telling him to keep an eye on the troublemaker.

The man nodded.

Unger's eyes suddenly got huge. "We're going home!" he said, as if only realizing it now. "Goodbye, everyone! I'll never forget you!" With that, he took off running, and the other man followed.

Suddenly, Unger stopped dead, turned around, and waved…in clear view of anyone who might be around. The other escapee almost trampled him, but managed to grab Unger's arm and yank him along.

Unger was caught off balance, and it was a miracle that he didn't land flat on his face.

LeBeau shook his head. "The prisoners still in Stalag Six must be so relieved that he's not there to annoy them anymore," he whispered.

"You almost ended up there, remember?" Carter said to Newkirk. "When Klink tried to transfer you that time?"**

Newkirk's eyes widened. "That's right! Blimey, if I 'ad ta deal wit' 'im every day, I'd attempt escape just ta get meself shot an' put outta me misery!"

They watched as Unger and the last man made it to the sub, and they all breathed a sigh of relief.

"Do you think that Felix really will stop driving everyone nuts?" Carter asked.

Suddenly, a familiar *HONK* filled the air, practically echoing through the night.

Newkirk shook his head. "Somehow…I doubt it."

THE END
So...did I do justice to the character of Felix Unger? LOL!

* French translation: "You fool! I am a French chef! Do not try to tell me how to cook!"

** Episode 'Sticky Wicket Newkirk'