A/N: From the same twisted mind that bought you Suit Up!, It makes Sense!, Sakura's Harem, Eureka No Mahou Sensei, Raikiri Triken, and Tendo Akane, Master Detective…
I was going to do something about how you can't tell if a Hyuuga has a concussion because they have no pupils, but decided that wasn't funny enough. This also has absolutely nothing to do with Glee (I think the cheerleader coach person looks like an evil Ellen Degeneres). It actually comes from the episode of Batman Beyond where Terry takes Bruce to see Batman the Musical, with a touch of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog and Barney Stinson's Suit Song…
Enjoy!
- -
VENGEANCE! The Musical! The Story of Uchiha Sasuke!
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Chapter 1: 'Opening Night' or 'Sasuke's Wearing Leather'
Disclaimer: Naruto is not mine. I'm not claiming credit nor making money from it. Quite the opposite. Please don't sue me. Would you like to visit the TvTropes Crowning Moment of Funny page (tvtropes. org/ pmwiki/ pmwiki. php/ Funny/Fanfic)?
- -
The urban myth about it was pretty well known, and surprisingly accurate. Then again, considering ninja were the ones doing the passing on, it was no surprise someone at some point did the research. Besides, it gets weird enough on its own anyway.
The story is told that one day, not so long after the Uchiha Massacre, the Sandaime Hokage was seem forcibly dragging a bawling Uchiha Sasuke to see the therapist, since little Sasuke had not been attending his sessions. No one was quite sure what went on during those sessions, since therapists have that confidentiality thing, and the Hokage stayed in the waiting room, but Sasuke eventually admitted that it was during those sessions he'd get the idea for his show.
The story is also told that one day, little Sasuke was forcibly assigned by one of his teachers to participate in a dramatic recreation of how Konoha was founded. He'd sat around, watching the other children yelling at each other and getting at cross purposes until, apparently, he snapped and took over. He'd apparently set them straight, organizing them into groups and taking over the directing, choreographing and, eventually, the lead role.
It all started right there…
- -
It was a tradition. Kisame wasn't quite sure how it had gotten started. If Itachi remembered, he wasn't admitting it.
"Pocky?" he offered to his fellow disguised missing-nin with a wide smile. Getting into Konoha was relatively easy, since Itachi was so familiar with the holes in their system, and it was always a bit lax on the opening night of the season.
Itachi gave him a cold look. "No," he said in a barely civil voice, primly adjusting his grip on the umbrella that went with his disguise. "Must you keep reminding me of that incident? You were there when I swore off Pocky forever."
"It was only one pack of poisoned senbon…" Kisame said, but didn't press the point as he ate one. Ah, chocolate. It made waiting in line much more bearable.
And there was quite a long line to wait in. Vengeance! The Musical! Was the most popular musical stage show in Konoha, perhaps even in the continent. It was what had gotten people interested in live performances again, when it looked like the classical theatrical arts were dying in favor of Princess Fuun movies and TV shows about people who ate other people's brains to learn their Kekkei Gekai. They'd gotten their tickets from a scalper they knew, since it was too much of a risk to go up to the box office. Konoha had good security but they had nothing on private citizens with a butt-load of money to protect.
"I wonder what they added in this year," Kisame said conversationally as they got to their seats. "I particularly liked how you had a ghost army at your command two years ago. That was a very complicated piece of special effects."
"They say Sasuke-sama's going to be playing a starring roll again this year," the woman seated next to Kisame said.
Behind them, Itachi heard several rows of females let out a loud "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" like some kind of herd of vicious pack predators.
"Kisame," he said, most definitely not turning to glare at the swordsman next to him. "Why are we seated in the fangirl section?"
"Hey, the tickets were cheaper!"
"After this show, for the next 72 hours I am going to beat you to death with this umbrella."
- -
The population first became aware of things being plotted when the rumor got around that Uchiha Sasuke was gay.
"SAY WHAT?" was the response of the female half of the population.
"Hah! I knew it!" was the response of most of the other half.
"YES!!!" was the response of the rest.
And several months later, in some distant part of the continent, Itachi proceeded to get drunk as he considered that maybe he'd overdone traumatizing his brother. Orochimaru, meanwhile, was sprucing up and planning his approach.
Eventually, he'd snuck off to Konoha to see what exactly was going, since the rumors (Sasuke had bought an elephant, Sasuke had joined a theater group, Sasuke had gotten a boob job…) had been getting progressively more ludicrous and insane by the time they'd reached whatever end of the world he happened to be occupying. He'd snuck into Konoha as quietly as possible, and had wondered about how easy it was. He'd also wondered about all the people who were obviously tourists. There were pale people from Yuki, dark-skinned ones from Kumo, a few fishy-smelling ones from Ocean…
Itachi was just wondering if maybe he'd mistaken the timing and they were holding the chuunin exam when he turned a corner and stopped dead, staring at the giant billboard that can come into view. He stood there, trying to wrap his mind around the idea as people bumped into him, muttering about fanboys being worse than fangirls. He barely heard them, too traumatized by what he was seeing.
Before him as a large picture of Sasuke and a bunch of other people in various costumes. He seemed to be fighting a tall and rather evil-looking person who had the most cheesily evil smirk on his face. There where lines at the edges of his cheekbones and with a start Itachi realized it was supposed to be him. A small, compartmentalized part of him noted that at least part of his plan had worked: his beloved brother certainly had a highly villainous perception of him.
He hoped that was what the five-inch nails painted acid green, fangs and weird dress/armor with wings combo poster-Itachi was wearing meant, anyway.
Then again, poster-Sasuke wasn't much better, wearing a full-body leather outfit, enough belts and buckles for a thousand pairs of shoes, and enough black make-up to make any goth vampire-wannabe proud. Itachi had been gone from Konoha for a while, but he was sure it wasn't that long. His brother was still ten, right?
Then the rest of the poster came into focus, and he nearly went catatonic all over again. 'Vengeance! The Musical!' What the heck? He read the blurbs.
'…outrageously funny…!' – The Konoha Times
'…intensely vengeful and cathartic! A must for all members…!' –Traumatized Anonymous, Konoha Chapter
'…two thumbs up…!' – Jiraiya-sama of the Sannin
'…highly accurate depictions of human internal anatomy…!' Will of Fire GeneralHospital
'…highly accurate depictions of torture and human internal anatomy…!' – Konoha Torture and Interrogation
'VERY YOUTHFUL!!!!' – Jounin Maito Gai.
Itachi wasn't sure what it said about him that the last line terrified him the most. Probably that he was a normal person.
- -
The lights dimmed, and the music began to rise, putting the two's argument on hold. Flame-effects flickered, the curtains rose, and a theater full of women 'SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE'-ed as Sasuke appeared. Itachi was never going to get over that full-body leather outfit Sasuke wore. He'd somehow added more buckles this year, and there were chain bracelets now, and pendants, and an earring now. That was a new one.
"I stand here all alone," Sasuke sang, and there was more subdued 'SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE''-age. "Amidsts the ashes of youth, I am justice–"
"Justice! "cried the chorus.
"– I am vengeance–"
"VENGEANCE!"
"– I am the last man…"
"He so wants to call himself Batman," Kisame snickered.
Itachi rapped his umbrella on the shark-man's knuckles. He wasn't allowing anyone to ruin his brother's opening night.
- -
Itachi had needed to turn off his Sharingan at least twelve times in the first song of the opening act alone, the emotional stress was getting to him so badly. That couldn'tbe his little brother. Not this kid. His little brother was sweet and shy and charming, and he was pretty sure nothing he'd done could possibly change what his little brother was at heart. His little brother did notsing and dance in public, and he especially didn't do so while wearing a leather fetishist's wet dream.
He watched as Sasuke went through a 'dramatic' rendition of the death of their clan. He was absolutely sure that Sasuke had definitely not picked up a sword that had been lying around in the background during their confrontation– such as it had been– and proceeded to duel him with much acrobatic proficiency, dramatic background music, and all the while holding a conversation with him about his ingratitude and his lack of loyalty and familial love. And he couldn't quite remember what he'd shown Sasuke when he'd used the Tsukuyomi, but it certainly hadn't involved red-clad muscular men in pitchforks dancing in circles around is brother while singing to the accompaniment of drums. Or half-naked women draped all over him as he stood back and laughed, for that matter. And where had those back-up dancers been?
The intermission came soon after he'd traumatized Sasuke and left– and he certainly didn't remember his words being that long, or that eloquent, or him segueing midway into it to rap about how he was such a bad-ass– right after a kneeling Sasuke gave the crowd a long monologue about his feelings and the pain and anguish of betrayal, and about how he was going to get his revenge, and what he had for breakfast, interspersed every so often with songs about how injured he was. By the time the curtain went down, Itachi was absolutely stunned.
His little brother had gotten all A+ that year? Whoa…
- -
"I like last year's swordfight better," Kisame said as they bought refreshments during the intermission. "You know, the one where they used those foils and there were shadows in the background. Very dramatic. Though this year's fight with the lightsabers was good too," he hastened to add. Itachi could be surprisingly touchy about a play that went out of its way to villain-ize him.
"I miss the elephant they had on the first season," Itachi said.
"Hard to believe your brother's a ninja," Kisame said.
Itachi glared. "What do you mean by that?"
"He's so… theater. And he wears leather all the time."
"I see no problem with that. Besides, you always wear sharkskin."
"Well, of course, it's my skin!"
- -
- To be continued...
- -
A/N: The silliness will continue. I wanted to make this a one-shot, but decided not to.
Please review, C&C welcome.
Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.