Disclaimer: I own neither Howl's Moving Castle nor The Legend of Zelda.

"Link and the Moving Castle"

Chapter One: The Walking Temple

I saw it.

I was out of Hyrule limits in a field far away. It stomped through lakes as if they were puddles. The deserts were its sandbox. The legs were those of a cuccoo's.

How vile.

This secret dungeon had a face, as if it wanted me to destroy it. It's probably an inside job, I thought. Something this bizarre had to hold something good inside. Maybe I would get a weapon that could beat Ganon as easily as if I were shooting an ice arrow into the back of a skulltula. I was going to find out.

I thought about my past experience with locked doors and moving objects. As the meandering stronghold approached, I lit a bomb and chucked it in its path. The explosion was as loud as ever, and, just as I expected, the beast stopped. I ran around to the back in time to see the guard come out. I hid behind a bush. The guard looked as old as Koume or Kotake. I decided to be extra careful. It didn't look like she'd take prisoners.

There was a problem. I waited... but she didn't leave the porch. I pulled out my bow and found my quiver was empty. I set down my last bombchu to take her attention away from me for the moment. Then I, Link, the Hero of Time, ran.

Sophie could hardly believe her eyes when she saw a giant, multicolored mouse flee from a bush, cross her path, and explode.

I searched for another entrance. The dungeon seemed impregnable. But there - a way in! High up on a balcony with a clothesline attached to it . . . a scarecrow! I didn't hesitate to use my hook-shot. Instantly I was pulled up onto the platform.

"Thank you, my fellow music lover," I said to Pierre. He gave me a very queer look, and I do believe he had changed his clothes. I ignored him, and proceeded to enter the dungeon.

There didn't appear to be that many room choices, and the entrance hall seemed rather small. I don't like small entrance halls. Then again, they are to be expected when a side door is taken. I decided to tackle the room with the open door first. I wanted to finish this hall before I went downstairs.

The room was unusually small. The walls were whitish, and a large tub was in the middle. Everything was splattered with paint. There was only one reason for a room this pointless: it was a trap! As soon as I realized this, I turned around, but the door was already locked. Next thing I knew, I was being soaked and scraped by an unknown magical force bearing buckets, brushes, and a bubbly white substance.

Two hours later, I was finally released.

It was a harsh battle, and the field was smeared with paint. My hair felt weird, my skin felt clean, and whatever evil force that inflicted this cleanliness upon me had even the audacity to swab the eyes that had gazed upon Zelda. I noticed the mirror.

I looked good. My hair had never been blonder. No girl could resist my charm. Not Zelda, not Malon, not Saria, not Anju . . . Not Nabooru . . . not Impa . . . not Ruto . . . not the dog woman . . .

I scuffed up my hair, wrinkled my clothes, and rolled around on the floor.

As I finally escaped that chamber and entered the hallway, I heard people coming up the stairs. I ran into another room.

The chamber was filled with gold plated garbage, though the huge bed in the center of the room desired most of the attention. The chamber was silent, and I didn't see anything dangerous or trap-like, so I proceeded to listen to the conversation outside.

"CALCIFER! WHERE'S THE HOT WATER?"

"SORRY! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WANTED TWO BATHS!"

"Calm down! Howl, just wait in your room, and in three hours, you can take a nice, long bath."

"You promise?"

". . . Yes."

". . . Okay."

One of the speakers was coming. I dove into the wall of trinkets, which tolled me three hearts. The door opened as I squatted behind the collection. The bed sounded like a chorus of rats.

My three hour wait began.