Title: Things Unspoken
Author: Keithan
Disclaimers: Lord of the Rings and its characters belongs to their respective
owners.
Rating: PG-13
Series: 5/5
Warnings: This fic contains nothing graphic but involves certain matters,
such as male to male relationships, that some might find offensive. Thus, this
should be read only upon agreeing that one must proceed with an open mind and
could accept the things mentioned above.
Summary: Aragorn slowly learns once again of his feelings, pure and untainted,
for Legolas, who out of respect and love, stays clear off his path sacrificing
his own feelings for both the Man and Arwen.
THINGS UNSPOKEN__________
part 5: things unspoken
Blank.
Except for the numerous sounds and melodies that registered in my mind, and the images and visions that my eyes see, my mind was currently nothing but an endless white horizon, for lack of a better analogy.
Blank.
I had spent too much time brooding and thinking I was afraid my mind was already too tired of it. But I doubted it would forever remain that way.
Dusk had settled over the land and the sky was a palette of orange and red and purple and blue.
The crunches of leaves underneath my feet, which were heavier than those of an Elf's, were what occupied my attention now. Head bowed and eyes directed downwards, I mused on how one foot overtakes the other in order for one to walk. Funny how I never seemed to notice that before, when I noticed the slightest mark on the earth.
For years I had studied the ways of a Ranger, knowing and understanding signs upon seeing them. A bent or a crushed leaf may mean nothing to others but a lot to a Ranger such as myself.
Yet even with those knowledge, knowledge of the wild and knowledge that I had acquired for living more than eight decades had left me helpless in dealing with matters that concerned not only myself but other people too.
Being a Ranger couldn't help me now, could it?
Nay. I must face this as who I entirely was.
And the Ranger was merely a part of that.
I continued to walk aimlessly through the trees of Lothlórien. I had not seen Legolas much for he stayed among the natives of this land most of the time, often times bringing Gimli with him.
I missed him.
I softly kicked a stray stone in my path and watched it as it rolled forward.
...bouncing
...rolling
...rolling away from me
Truth be told, I missed him.
The stone stopped. It stopped its roll as the leaves blocked its path. Without me kicking it, it would remain unmoving unless another would apply enough force to move it. I wondered then if I had been the force that had been moving Legolas to act against myself.
I sighed. I had not heard his fair voice in the Company, whether in song or in verse, as often as before.
The wind blew softly and the stone I had my eyes upon was partly covered by some leaves that rested on the forest bed.
...obscured
...clouded
...vague
I felt the loss of his presence, just his mere presence among us.
...longing
...missing
...craving
I missed him.
I had not heard his laughter, which was very pleasant to listen to, for a long time now, not since we had entered Moria..
Or.. since he and I had talked during our first night here.
I closed my eyes wanting to forget the whole encounter. I hadn't meant to end it the way it did. I had lost all strength at that time it left me mute when words needed to be spoken.
...weak
...coward
...unworthy
I had let my emotions carry me away leaving all thoughts of logic and practicality behind.
I crouched down and let my hands just feel the ground. Did he walk this path too? Did he pass by here and left a mark? Probably. But I doubted it. Legolas' footsteps were light and were very hard to detect.
I owed him my apology.
Apology for loving him? No! No, indeed! For even if I found myself torn between, my love for him was never unwelcome in my heart. It had lived there for so many years.
How could one possibly not welcome the feelings that had resided in his heart? In doing so, he would deny a part of his existence in which that feeling had eventually evolved.
... a mask
... and endless pretenses
But I had to apologize for I had been forcing him to face me when I knew not for sure what I wanted from him.
I should be the one who was supposed to be turning away for my feelings were the one that needs clearing. I couldn't be any more selfish than what I already was by wanting him to talk openly to me, when I, myself, couldn't give him a conclusion to all this.
I wondered what he sees when he looks at me? Was he seeing me as nothing more than a selfish, fickle Man succumbing to his weak human heart? I would not be surprised.
Though selfish I might think myself to be, a human, I just was, moved by human emotions. I couldn't stop my heart from beating for someone, especially if it had been, as I learned, beating for that someone longer than I expected.
And my heart was calling for him and that call left me torn in between.
But I wondered..
I wondered if it would stay that way for long or if my heart would sooner learn the answer to Gandalf's riddle.
Even though it would pain me to discover that, it was the only remaining unselfish act I would have to do: learn where my heart truly lies and face it and not live denying my true emotions in the process hurting not only myself but both of them too.
The sun had already hidden itself yonder behind the mountains in the west. I must be heading back now.
With Gandalf already lost in our midst, but certainly not in our hearts, I was the one whom his responsibilities were now laid. Our grief of his loss and weariness of the quest had been nearly forgotten as days went by. Each day in this land slowly eased the pain and the grief that we felt.
Yet when the time would come that we must leave these borders, I would have to lead them. Wisely and knowingly, I must. Even now, I felt my hour drawing near and I didn't know if I should be glad about it or not.
Sounds of merriment and cheerful songs drifted to my ears and I stopped, entranced. The music penetrated my soul, bringing in happiness with its tune. And as if on a spell, my feet headed towards the sound.
As I was nearing, I saw the soft orange glow of a fire reflected in the tree trunks that surrounded it.
I briefly remembered the fire that always seemed to be burning in Legolas' eyes everytime I looked at them and find myself lost. A very passionate soul, pure and innocent, he had.
I took in the sight of Frodo and the others, clapping merrily with the tune all the while laughing. They were sitting in a circle in a small clearing, where a fire was lit in the middle. Some Elves on the other side had a leaf on their mouth, producing a sound that complimented each other, creating an interwoven melody along with the plucking of strings, stomping of foot and clapping of hands. Also joined in by musical voices once in a while.
I smiled, thankful for the cheer that the Elves brought to our company. Nobody had yet noticed my presence and I started to enter the clearing, intent on heading towards the others.
As I made my way, I turned my eyes to the center of the circle and, as if squeezed, my heart seemed to skip a beat and I stopped. My sharp intake of breath in surprise and awe was left unheard to anyone for it was covered by the cheerful sounds.
There in the middle was Legolas, in all his grace and majesty, wearing a white silk shirt, much like what most Elves of Lórien wear, with two other Elves wearing the same thing. All three were gracefully dancing around the fire in synchronized movements, probably an Elven folk dance. A chiffon cloth on each of their right hand, the Elves waved it above the fire repeatedly, as they danced around it, so fast that the tongues of flame weren't able to touch the soft and easily flammable fabric.
step...
sway...
turn...
Time slowed for me as my eyes take in Legolas and his graceful and smooth movements, as if it was the very first time I laid my eyes on him. From there on, all logical and coherent thoughts fled from me.
The music echoed and was but distant beats to my ears. I could tell my mouth was left hanging open but still I couldn't move my eyes away.
stomp...
clap...
whistle...
His hair was flowing behind him never tangling in its wake and always falling neatly behind his back or on his shoulders, only to be flipped back again as his movements followed the tune.
"Braided or not, you'll have an arrow pointed at your throat if you say anything more about my hair."
A smile was on his face, and the longing in my heart for that smile to be turned my way was only strengthened now.
"You are still stubborn as always, Aragorn."
Turning around, he, and the other two, twisted the fabric in both hands before releasing it again, wrapping it around their body, and pulling it slowly, letting the soft fabric caress their arms and waved it consecutively above the fire again.
"Don't dwell into things of both importance and unimportance right now, Aragorn."
The melody slowed and gradually became a menacing tune. The change of mood was reflected in the Elves' movements. The merry tune was then turned into a battle song.
"The darkness entails fear and anxieties to us all, and it is so great not even the brightest light can chase the shadows away."
The clapping stopped, the stomping of the feet became louder and lower. I watched on as Legolas took the hero's role, smile now gone, as the other two portrayed his foes.
"The borders of reality and fantasy are so faint one might miss it if he doesn't give a closer look."
He turned to where I was standing, then he raised his eyes and saw me there. And to me, there was only the sound of silence and him.
"I don't understand what you are saying."
No melody, no clapping and stomping, no singing. Just him, myself, and the silence of the night.
"Ruin not this night, I beg you,"
The fire highlighted his features, dancing its light in his face as he tensed, momentarily forgetting the dance.
"It was as real as the sun in the day and the moon in the night. And will continue to be real if you believe it to be so.."
My vision of him blurred and faded, and there was a sudden fear aroused in me of losing him.
"Maybe you are right, but you have a life ahead of you after all this."
No, I wouldn't let that happen. I wouldn't let such treasure slip away from me.
He was surprised in finding me there, surprised enough to stop in mid-movement. His face partly covered by the diaphanous cloth.
"As sure as the sun rises, it will also set. There are matters which best remain not to be talked about."
One of the two Elves, I could faintly see, came near to him, still following the beat, acting like the foe that he was, sword in hand, and said something to him, most probably reminding him of their fight dance.
He blinked and turned away, continuing his performance by drawing out the sword that hung from his hip. Movements as fluid as water and as swift as the wind, he stepped and turned and danced around the fire like a god and a fighter at the same time. The thin cloth followed him like a visible wind on his tail. The sword dance left me more in awe than before.
'Do me a favor and distinguish me from any of my kin.'
As the hold I had on his eyes left me, I wished to have it again.
...the darkness slowly lifted
and the clouds slowly cleared...
Then everything seemed to be clearer.
His laughter came to my mind, and his smiling face appeared in my vision.
As I watched him fight off the other two in a dance-like way, it finally, at long last, dawned on me.
"'Tis a truth that only your heart must and can uncover."
I loved him.
A deafening silence suddenly came to my ears.
No sound could be heard...
No sound save for the beating of my own heart in my chest...
"There are things that the eye can't see but the ear can hear, Aragorn, just as there are things that the mind couldn't comprehend, but the heart can decipher."
Crashing into me like a great flood of water, the depth of my feelings immediately became known to me. The world for a moment, spun before my eyes. I reached my hand to a nearby tree to steady myself or just to assure myself I wouldn't be losing my foot hold any time then.
He has loved him the moment his heart found yours
Hidden and tucked away in a corner of his heart,
Such emotion has blossomed only now,
Such a long time...
Long enough to cause him pain and suffering..
Bringing my other hand to feel the necklace that lies in my chest, I closed my eyes tightly. I inhaled deeply, trying to compose my otherwise unstable self.
How can one be so blind?
How can one nearly lose such precious treasure?
Let it just simply slip through his fingers?
Like crystal clear water...
The stomping of the feet seemed like hollow drumbeats to my ears. It suddenly became very loud that it covered the other sounds I was hearing.
Undómiel.
My lady, listen to this unworthy man...
*Boom, boom, boom*
Arwen. I had loved you, true and pure.
Yet 'tis a love that blinded him to a much greater love...
*Boom, boom, boom*
But hear me. I ask not for your forgiveness, for I am not worthy of it, but still..
But still, listen to such a noble confession, such honorable apology...
*Boom, boom, boom*
Three words. Three words that I know would close a door and open a new one.
Three words that would make him a brave man to have accepted and faced it...
*Boom, boom, boom*
My Lady, I am sorry.
Faced the fact that he had been weak, and had been swayed by his emotions...
*Boom, boom, boom*
I took a few deep breaths before I looked up, with a new light in my eyes.
Such brave soul...
The melody once again reached me, and it was now back to its merry tune, the danger had passed and the hero had triumphed. And finally, it reached its conclusion.
Legolas, after making a final wave with the cloth, stood still and the two 'foes' kneeled around the fire. The fabric in their hands was spread above their heads and fell on their back to the ground, looking like wings so thin I could see pass through, yet so ethereal too.
...to have searched for the truth and faced it...
The cool night breeze blew.
..Selfless, and not selfish...
He had fallen in grace, yet he had every right to be proud...
Legolas met my gaze and instead of me being lost in them, unable to move, 'twas I who pinned him now with my eyes.
"There are things when uttered brings nothing but more confusion."
If he believes that words between us would bring more confusion, then let them be reserved for later and let my actions reach out to his heart now.
I smiled at him.
...proud of his courage to have faced and accepted his weakness...
The darkness had slowly passed me by and the day was dawning on me once more.
...and the courage to let go...
His eyes widened in surprise and he blinked back the moisture, which I could vaguely see, that had suddenly welled up in his eyes. The faint glimmer the fire reflected in his eyes told me that was so.
My heart ached of the pain it had caused him and of the pain it would still cause to others. But I had seen my mistake and I had realized my faults.
...And for that, it made you worthy of their love...
And now I must do what my heart had been telling me to do all this time, to straighten the path from myself to him.
He didn't even give a sign that he heard the round of applause everyone in the circle gave them. And it was only until his other two companions stood up that he turned to them, smiling, exchanging remarks and laughing.
I closed my eyes briefly just listening to the musical sound that his laugh had created.
"Legolas!" I heard Pippin called, and I turned to regard our young hobbit. "Master Elf! Truly, you are a magnificent creature!"
He spoke words so true it brought a smile to my lips. I looked back at our Elf as he laughed again at the hobbit's comment.
"Indeed, 'tis true!" Frodo exclaimed, laughing and clapping his hands.
"You speak of Elves in general, young ones. 'Twas only a dance." He said, then let out a melodious laugh again.
"Non-sense, Legolas! The hobbits spoke true!" Boromir said laughing, bringing into words my thoughts. Although lacking the enthusiasm the four hobbits had, I could see that his grief and worries was laid to rest for the moment.
Legolas gave me a hesitant glance before heading towards our Company and even then, he was bombarded with non-stop comments and questions that I could not understand.
I inhaled deeply and now I was set.
As a gust of wind blew, and the fire once more, danced and flickered wildly, and as my mind had cleared and my heart finally unburdened, I took the few steps around the circle, that seemed like a hundred, that separated myself from him.
Before anyone could say anything more to him about the Elven dance he just performed, I passed by Sam and Merry and stepped inside the circle and faced him. He was less than an arm's length away.
His gaze was set down and he sighed very softly, I barely heard it.
He knew.
He then looked up at me. I felt as if I was looking at a brave yet still fearful child that had lost its mother. But I could see it in his face that he was expecting me to back away and mutter a foolish excuse to go.
But do that, I won't.
'Legolas,' I whispered, so soft I was mildly surprised he heard it.
He breathed out in resignation and balled his hands into fists on his sides, clutching the thin cloth he still held on one hand. 'You look at me, Estel, with eyes clearer than the crystal from which I drink wine from back in my home in Mirkwood.' He said softly in the musical language of his kin, and slowly he was becoming guarded again, but not in the way he usually was. 'Somehow, although it brings tears to my eyes, I am fearing it.'
The fact that he and I were standing among a circle of Elves, four hobbits, a Dwarf and a man was forgotten.
He spoke surely, yet there was still a faint waver in his voice I didn't fail to hear. Once again, I chided myself for causing him such pain and fear.
'And yours, Legolas, for once, your eyes are partly unveiled before me.' I said equally soft and also in Elvish. 'You need not fear aught, dear one, for never had my mind been clearer and my heart been lighter.'
I was able to caught sight of the tears that threatened to make its way down as he heard the way I addressed him before he looked down and closed his eyes.
I longed to reach out my hand and caress his face in apology and to turn his face to look at me, but it was then that I noticed that despite the number of the ones present, Elves, Dwarf, Man and Hobbits alike, it was quiet. I then remembered we were standing in the edge of the whole gathering, but inside the circle nonetheless.
I gave them no more attention for I never turned my eyes from the Elf before me.
After what seemed like forever that was actually only a matter of seconds, he sighed and looked up again.
His eyes, which carried no more trace of tears, although a bit uncertain and still a bit apprehensive, bore a light of hope beneath all others and told me that he understood.
I smiled gently at him and although hesitant, I earned myself a soft smile in return.
He nodded once and without saying anything more, he walked passed me. I followed. Both of us were oblivious to the fact that we left with eyes upon our backs, leaving behind a quiet gathering.
He led the way and I silently walked behind him. And somehow, I knew that the steps I was taking would change my life thereafter. In what way, I was yet to find out.
The cloud of haze and confusion that I was trapped in had finally been blown away by the winds, also bringing the courage I had lost a long time ago back to my grasp.
We had reached a solitary and secluded place and as Legolas turned to me and my eyes met his, I knew I would never find myself again in the darkness of my own uncertainties and confusion.
The words that would leave my lips that night might not be the most eloquent words that would ever be spoken in Middle-earth.
And the simple action of taking tender hold of his hand might not be the sweetest gesture.
But as I look at him, I realized right at that moment, that some things could be left unsaid and still, its meaning was not only understood but also felt.
That night, two hearts beat as one as two souls were bounded by the unspoken promise of love and companionship.
By some odd way, I knew in my heart that someone, although grieving for what was and what could have been, was smiling upon us, happy for the treasure we both found.
...and indeed 'twas true, for she knew, yet understood..
...and like him, she would also let go...
I still wasn't able to say anything and I unconsciously tightened my hold on his hand fearing he would suddenly disappear, and such fear reflected in my face. But instead, when I blinked my eyes, I found him in the circle of my arms, his head beneath my chin and his face cradled perfectly in the crook of my neck, his arms encircled around me not as tight as my hold on him, but his fists that I felt clutching the fabric of my shirt was more than enough. Who did what, I knew not, but it didn't matter.
I knew that never again would I let such treasure slip like water through my fingers. I held him tight and held him close and thought to myself that... this was all that matters.
I need not speak anymore.
He knew the words my heart was saying.
And I, I who had caused him to back away and brought him pain and I who now looks at him with all certainty of love and care, knew his.
~END~
Author's Notes:
And thus, it all comes to a close. This is really one of the favorite works I have ever done, online or offline. This was my first Lord of the Rings fic, and I must say, this drained my brain cells, squeezed my brain to the point of writer's block and all that. I think I have never written something that takes so much thought on just one line, or one scene! Geez.. in writing this, I really have to be Aragorn in order to write something concrete. Well, my thanks for putting up with me. Until my next inspiration comes.
Thanks.